She had an ONS, now she's "SOOOOOO" "remorseful" and wants to save the marriage

[TX-SC]

I would recommend the following:

 

1) Talk to your wife: Do so calmly (if possible) and let her tell you exactly what happened, what was going through her mind at the time, and what her plans are to fix it. Also explain calmly that this is a line in the sand that you cannot cross.

 

2) Consult a divorce attorney and figure out what divorce will look like for you. How would the children be cared for. How much time would you get with them. How much money will you have left over after child support, etc.

 

3) Consider your living conditions: If you divorce, what will your standard of living be? Can you afford to pay for an apartment/house? If not, how will you handle it?

 

4) Ask yourself this: What could she do to fix this? Before you even talk to your wife, think about this for a while. Knowing what you know, if she will do ANYTHING to fix it, what would that look like? Do you want a revenge affair? Do you want to act as a personal PI, following her every social move for the remainder of your marriage?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

Have you had all your kids tested for DNA results?

 

 

I doubt this is her first time. Just seems odd, maybe it's happened before but you didn't have her confessing.

 

 

Something at work must have triggered her to tell.

 

 

Either way, I hope you make a decision that's in your best interest.

 

This is my very favorite post....

 

Why would you take a man who has been crushed and bring up ridiculous crap like this?

Get your 4 kids dna tested...they are probably not yours...this is probably not her first time

 

Let me ask you something....where in this story would you draw those conclusions? And why would you project them into this man?

 

Sometimes I just shake my head in disbelief.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

Winteria

I don't agree that her advice was bad. She was merely trying to say that may-be his behaviour is what contributed to it...

This is not unheard of, not something out of line, and more than that, it is usually the case!

People often cheat for no reason, but more often than that they cheat because they are not happy in their relationship. Maybe she told him and he didn't hear her... We don't know it.

 

Put my case aside, people cheat because they have no morals, because they are selfish and because they don't want to invest in their marriage but leave something only for themselves. They also cheat because they have no boundaries and coping skills whatsoever. This is the rule and everything else is blame shifting and gas lighting. You are unhappy, leave the marriage and be a decent person. If I didn’t hear, she could speak louder; I would hear it for sure, I always did. Taking her needs always inti consideration, I would have for sure listen to her as I always did. Mistake are no ground for cheating, yet cheating is not a mistake but a ground for divorce. And if I missed something completely and very rarely and you can't handle it, so be a deent person and talk again. However, you even put words in my wife's mouth, hence she never claimed that. By the way, I never heard someone telling a betrayed wife the same thing. Probably, this is true only for men hence we come back to the Gender bias. Sorry, both of us, as everyone else is not perfect. I had many possibilities to cheat but never come close to it. I even cut friend who encouraged me to do so. She did it anyway. Why? Because of the reasons mentioned above.

[Horton]

So married mothers of normal healthy kids can pick up random dudes at the bar but mothers of special needs kids can't???

 

I know that not what you're saying but I don't think the fact of special needs kids has any bearing on this other than it may add a layer of complexity to the post-divorce childcare plan.

 

My point is mother's of special needs kids are not going to be any more or any less horny, any more or less responsible, any more or less prone to get drunk, or do anything more or less dumb while drunk.

 

In other words mother's (or fathers for that matter) of special needs kids are not fundamentally "different" than any other mother or father.

 

What she did was crappy, but no more or less crappy than if the mother of 4 kids without special needs did the same thing.

 

I understand where you're coming from, but I respectfully disagree. You said that fathers and mothers of special needs kids are not fundamentally different than any other mother or father, which may be true, but their children ARE different and the typical issues that kids face are made even more complicated due to the child's condition. Something relatively minor that most kids would brush off after a few minutes has the potential to disrupt a special needs child's entire day. So the breakup of their family is gonna have added layers of difficulties that most families dealing with divorce won't have to face.

 

I equate it to a spouse who has no children having an affair compared to a parent having an affair, they're both guilty of doing something awful, but one of them affects 'only' their spouse while the other also affects children. You also have the fact that the betrayed parent is now in the position of staying and being miserable or leaving and feeling guilty that their kids lives are being disrupted. So that is an added layer that a childless betrayed spouse does not have to worry about. That doesn't mean that they're any less a victim, just that they're the only victim they have to worry about since they don't have to factor in what's best for the kids into the equation. It's the same principle when comparing a family that has special needs kids and one that does not IMO.

[TX-SC]

I understand where you're coming from, but I respectfully disagree. You said that fathers and mothers of special needs kids are not fundamentally different than any other mother or father, which may be true, but their children ARE different and the typical issues that kids face are made even more complicated due to the child's condition. Something relatively minor that most kids would brush off after a few minutes has the potential to disrupt a special needs child's entire day. So the breakup of their family is gonna have added layers of difficulties that most families dealing with divorce won't have to face.

 

I equate it to a spouse who has no children having an affair compared to a parent having an affair, they're both guilty of doing something awful, but one of them affects 'only' their spouse while the other also affects children. You also have the fact that the betrayed parent is now in the position of staying and being miserable or leaving and feeling guilty that their kids lives are being disrupted. So that is an added layer that a childless betrayed spouse does not have to worry about. That doesn't mean that they're any less a victim, just that they're the only victim they have to worry about since they don't have to factor in what's best for the kids into the equation. It's the same principle when comparing a family that has special needs kids and one that does not IMO.

 

Well, he did say that it adds a layer of complexity to the issue. But, I agree with oldshirt in that the two people involved (father and mother) are fundamentally the same. Parents of special needs children are indeed still only human and subject to the same emotions and behavior of any other human. I think what he is saying is that the special needs aspect of this should not be the major driving factor for the OP.

[S2B]

This is my very favorite post....

 

Why would you take a man who has been crushed and bring up ridiculous crap like this?

Get your 4 kids dna tested...they are probably not yours...this is probably not her first time

 

Let me ask you something....where in this story would you draw those conclusions? And why would you project them into this man?

 

Sometimes I just shake my head in disbelief.

 

I never said they probably aren't his. I stated to have DNA tests done.

 

She's cheated. He didn't expect that of her. Now it's only smart to obtain all info he needs considering he knows she is capable of cheating when he thought she never would.

 

 

I never said they probably aren't his. I said to gather evidence so he knows what their history really may be. Part of that is understanding IF the kids are biologically his own.

 

Not that it changes whether or not he would raise them - it's info for what's real vs what's not real.

[Mrs. John Adams]

GFR....I asked the op the question...it was direct. I was not asking for other opinions as to why he is he. My post was very direct. But thank you for sharing your opinion with me.

 

I see no reason for people to jump on this thread and fill it with their speculations.

 

He made a post..he told us what happened...he vented...he told us his plans.

 

the only question he asked was This

Have anyone experienced that **** in this way or is it only me? That is maybe what I am seeking to hear.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

Ask yourself this: What could she do to fix this? Before you even talk to your wife, think about this for a while. Knowing what you know, if she will do ANYTHING to fix it, what would that look like? Do you want a revenge affair? Do you want to act as a personal PI, following her every social move for the remainder of your marriage?

 

Look, I want to be honest, as it seems she WOULD DO ANYTHING. Yet, who can tell me sje would not do this just to drug me into a state of mind, where I put my defense down just to hit once again. I DO NOT TRUST HER and am not SURE I WILL BE ABLE TO DO SO NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES.By the way, I am sure the kids are mine. She offered to do anything, poly, DNA and so on. Maybe I am naive, but I don't think so. I still can't trust her in regard to the future and there are things more than this. Actually, she's remorseful WW "by book" and even more. I don't know the whole situation is insane.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I never said they probably aren't his. I stated to have DNA tests done.

 

She's cheated. He didn't expect that of her. Now it's only smart to obtain all info he needs considering he knows she is capable of cheating when he thought she never would.

 

 

I never said they probably aren't his. I said to gather evidence so he knows what their history really may be. Part of that is understanding IF the kids are biologically his own.

 

Not that it changes whether or not he would raise them - it's info for what's real vs what's not real.

 

He said he is divorcing her...it doesn't matter at this point if she screwed a zillion times or 1.

[Horton]

GFR....I asked the op the question...it was direct. I was not asking for other opinions as to why he is he. My post was very direct. But thank you for sharing your opinion with me.

 

I see no reason for people to jump on this thread and fill it with their speculations.

 

He made a post..he told us what happened...he vented...he told us his plans.

 

the only question he asked was This

Have anyone experienced that **** in this way or is it only me? That is maybe what I am seeking to hear.

 

GFR is the OP.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My bad....I stand corrected..and I apologize

 

My gut tells me something is not quite right...as though...well...let's see how this plays out....

Edited September 16, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[oldshirt]

Well, he did say that it adds a layer of complexity to the issue. But, I agree with oldshirt in that the two people involved (father and mother) are fundamentally the same. Parents of special needs children are indeed still only human and subject to the same emotions and behavior of any other human. I think what he is saying is that the special needs aspect of this should not be the major driving factor for the OP.

 

Yes ^^^^^^

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Winteria

I don't agree that her advice was bad. She was merely trying to say that may-be his behaviour is what contributed to it...

This is not unheard of, not something out of line, and more than that, it is usually the case!

People often cheat for no reason, but more often than that they cheat because they are not happy in their relationship. Maybe she told him and he didn't hear her... We don't know it.

 

Put my case aside, people cheat because they have no morals, because they are selfish and because they don't want to invest in their marriage but leave something only for themselves. They also cheat because they have no boundaries and coping skills whatsoever. This is the rule and everything else is blame shifting and gas lighting. You are unhappy, leave the marriage and be a decent person. If I didn’t hear, she could speak louder; I would hear it for sure, I always did. Taking her needs always inti consideration, I would have for sure listen to her as I always did. Mistake are no ground for cheating, yet cheating is not a mistake but a ground for divorce. And if I missed something completely and very rarely and you can't handle it, so be a deent person and talk again. However, you even put words in my wife's mouth, hence she never claimed that. By the way, I never heard someone telling a betrayed wife the same thing. Probably, this is true only for men hence we come back to the Gender bias. Sorry, both of us, as everyone else is not perfect. I had many possibilities to cheat but never come close to it. I even cut friend who encouraged me to do so. She did it anyway. Why? Because of the reasons mentioned above.

 

Cheaters cheat because the want to. It's that simple. Good marriage, bad marriage; doesn't matter.

 

I wrote the quote down but now I can't find. The lady was talking about why people cheat. It went something like this: "When a spouse cheats they are not trying to find another partner, they are trying to find another version of themselves." In general people cheat because something is broken within themselves, not within the marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was really amazed at her impertinence thinking that I would give her any second chance, consider reconciling with her and stay married to that evil tart.

 

Considering you have a 20-year "good" marriage, I disagree 100% with this position.

 

And yet, knowing how infidelity affects each person differently, I support 100% your right to feel this way. This is like abortion in its intensely personal nature and your stance is your stance, no justification needed.

 

I'd only caution you to be careful in absolute and/or unfiltered statements to your wife. Your feelings may evolve or they may harden, you want to keep your options open either way.

 

Keep posting, it's one of the few ways you have of blowing off steam...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

This wasn't a ONS if she's behaved oddly for a month, it was an affair. She had a whole month to stop it but didn't. This has nothing to do with some "evil co-worker took advantage of my wife", it's "my wife opened the door and the first guy sensing that took the opportunity". And it's perfectly alright if that's a dealbreaker for you, it would be for me as well. Hope you'll sort yourself out ASAP.

[Bufo]

No law says you must reconcile. No law says you must divorce. You have to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not. Your first job is to get an accurate time line from her. She was out of sorts for awhile and therefore I suspect this A may have been more than a one time event. You cannot forgive if you don't know what you're forgiving. It may help if you tell her if she tells the whole truth now, it won't add to your negative feelings. You'll have to be cool calm and collected in that discussion.

On a practical note, see a lawyer or two to get a feel for what D brings. It will help you make a rational decision.

[fellini]

It's Esther Perel on "Why happy couples cheat":

 

When we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become,"

 

But given the complexity of analysis of Perel, I don't think see how this OP is going to gain anything from reading Perel. He does not seek answers to his wife's cheating so much as he seems to need, if the survival of the marriage is on the table, to get himself to a place where he can accept.

 

 

 

Cheaters cheat because the want to. It's that simple. Good marriage, bad marriage; doesn't matter.

 

I wrote the quote down but now I can't find. The lady was talking about why people cheat. It went something like this: "When a spouse cheats they are not trying to find another partner, they are trying to find another version of themselves." In general people cheat because something is broken within themselves, not within the marriage.

[Dutchman1]

Cheaters cheat because the want to. It's that simple. Good marriage, bad marriage; doesn't matter.

 

I wrote the quote down but now I can't find. The lady was talking about why people cheat. It went something like this: "When a spouse cheats they are not trying to find another partner, they are trying to find another version of themselves." In general people cheat because something is broken within themselves, not within the marriage.

 

I think it was the wise Katie Lee in Noirek's last thread.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[oldshirt]

 

Your first job is to get an accurate time line from her. She was out of sorts for awhile and therefore I suspect this A may have been more than a one time event. You cannot forgive if you don't know what you're forgiving. .

 

I would agree with this if Foregiveness and reconciliation were on the table and were being seriously considered as an option.

 

I'm not sure GFR is at that point yet. He seems pretty adamant that divorce is his primary consideration at this point regardless of what kind of rabbit she pulls out of her hat.

 

I think if he learned more details of a more in-depth or a more repetitive affair it would just push him over the edge more.

 

IMHO physical separation and giving the dust a chance to settle and allowing cooler heads to prevail seems the wiser option than delving head first into digging up more dirt.

 

If the smoke clears, and the dust settles and once the fire is out and the bleeding stopped, at that point if he is undecided on whether to offer a second or not, then yes at that time he will need to find out the true depths of the affair and the true nature of her actions before he can make an informed decision with a cool head on what to do.

 

At this point if she said the OM had cute earlobes it would probably put him over the edge and he would be at risk of making a rash, knee-jerk decision.

[oldshirt]

 

It may help if you tell her if she tells the whole truth now, it won't add to your negative feelings. You'll have to be cool calm and collected in that discussion.

On a practical note, see a lawyer or two to get a feel for what D brings. It will help you make a rational decision.

 

 

Even a BS shouldn't offer promises they can't keep. At this point I don't think it is even possible for him to hear more details of the encounter(s) and not have it result in more "negative feeling." That is simply unrealistic.

 

It's fair game to offer that if you don't get a complete and and factual timeline and details of the affair that there will absolutely be a 100% chance of divorcing, whereas if the come completely clean on everything, there might be a 1% chance of saving the marriage. That's fair.

 

At that point the ball is in the WS's court as to if they want to disclose everything for that slim chance or whether they just want to want away now with their secrets intact.

 

I do agree that he should get a lawyer ASAP and start finding out what his legal rights and responsibilities are and what a post divorce life would look like for him.

[drifter777]

GrandFunkRailroad - My wife had a ONS with one guy and shacked up with another guy for a few weeks. Both hurt just as bad. I regret every single day of my life that I came back when she begged me to come home. Every single day. I did it for my young son but mostly because I was afraid of being alone and just wanted the hurt to stop. Worst mistake of my life.

 

Those here that say a ONS isn't "as bad" as some other type of cheating just don't get it. It's not about them - it's about you and how you perceive her disgusting behavior.

 

I totally understand your anger. She acted like a common slut and in addition to the disrespect, pain and anger she has caused - you have to be humiliated for her. I mean, how many people at work know that she whored herself out for this guy? All of those people think that the woman you have loved and trusted for all these years is a slut and see you as a fool. Believe me, I get it.

 

I think you should leave the house immediately so that your anger doesn't boil over into violence toward her. No matter how much you believe you would never physically hurt her, you are not yourself right now and getting away is safe for both of you.

 

For you your marriage is over. You might begin to change your mind because of the children or finances or guilt but none of those are reasons that your true self will accept. Leave her and file for divorce. You are, clearly, not the kind of man who will ever be able to get past this. You will always see her as tainted.

 

Recognize that you will be co-parenting with her for years so you need to learn how to be civil to her for the sake of the kids. But no one should expect you to get to that point overnight. It usually takes counseling and a certain amount of healing before you will be able to have a constructive conversation with her about the children or anything else.

[qubist]

GrandFunkRailroad: first of all sorry about the ordeal you found yourself in. I just want to point out 2 remarks you said:

Using the time after her confession to read almost an un-endless number of site and forums I must say that I have exposed my-self to the pathetic "reconciliation and recovery industry". It is really beyond my mind how a self-respecting man (as well as woman) can accept and give such woman a second chance.

\

3 years years ago I didn't know the "reconciliation and recovery industry" existed. i was just like you, but a lot went on my life that made me change my stands. you have every right to leave and offer no second chance if you feel that's the only path you can manage, but you should also know the path of R does exist too. you should really hold on to any rational decission till you calm your anger down considering 3 factors

1-her remorse; you admitted she is so remorseful and willing to do all what it would take to get you back.

2- she isn't in any fog , she actually confessed everything to you while we've seen other cheating spouses go out of their way to not confess.

3 you kids: your kids need both of you.

 

but she self insists on that saying she doesn't know what got into her (bull****, in my mind she knows exactly what it was), that it is not my fault but only her **** (which make me want to flee ASAP) and reassuring all the time that she doesn't blame me but only herself (blah, blah, blah cause if it was so good why was it so bad.

\

believe it, her infidelity didn't necessary have anything to do with you. I actually applaud her for taking full blame, that's not what we normally see from cheating spouses

[drifter777]

I think if he learned more details of a more in-depth or a more repetitive affair it would just push him over the edge more.

 

IMHO physical separation and giving the dust a chance to settle and allowing cooler heads to prevail seems the wiser option than delving head first into digging up more dirt.

 

If the smoke clears, and the dust settles and once the fire is out and the bleeding stopped, at that point if he is undecided on whether to offer a second or not, then yes at that time he will need to find out the true depths of the affair and the true nature of her actions before he can make an informed decision with a cool head on what to do.

 

At this point if she said the OM had cute earlobes it would probably put him over the edge and he would be at risk of making a rash, knee-jerk decision.

Yeah shirt - this is right on target. Let's add that the chances that this was really a "just" a ONS are not good. When a cheater admits to something it is often just the tip of the iceberg. They hope that by admitting to something so terrible that the BS will not dig anymore to find out the really horrible stuff. Not saying it has to be this way - admitting to a ONS is pretty serious - but the fact that it is a guy from work rather than some dude she didn't know is a red flag.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I think you should leave the house immediately so that your anger doesn't boil over into violence toward her. No matter how much you believe you would never physically hurt her, you are not yourself right now and getting away is safe for both of you.

 

 

I agree with this. This is still a volatile situation and no-one is themselves or thinking with clear heads. Your wife is at as much risk to go off and overreact to something as well. It would be best for everyone to let the dust settle for awhile before making any decisions or taking things any further.

 

Actually I agree with much of what Drifter said. He knows what he is talking about.

 

The only thing I'd add to what he said is see a lawyer ASAP and start working with him/her and follow the lawyers guidance.

 

Give yourself some time to clear your head and arm yourself with facts before making any major decisions. That may take weeks or even months.

 

Don't give your wife any false hopes or expectations. Don't make any promises or declare any intentions until you have reached a decision and are taking action towards that decision.

 

She did this. She can wait till you have a plan of action in place.

[TX-SC]

Again, your call. Take your time and think it through.

 

I do not know your wife or her motives. But, if I were a betting man, I would lay money on the fact that she would never do this again. She confessed immediately, shows a lot of remorse and pain, and has seen how much it hurt you.

 

There is a scene in the movie "The World According to Garp" where they are with a realtor looking at a house to buy. While they are looking, a small plane runs into the side of it. He says "We'll take it!" "The chances of another plane hitting this house are astronomical! It's been pre-disastered!"

 

Your marriage has been disastered already. I seriously doubt she would really do this again.

 

Honestly, I'm not making light of your situation and it just simply may be that you cannot overlook this. I happen to be in the minority hear that thinks I could overlook a drunken ONS much easier than a full on affair. Your wife needs to stop drinking and she is already in therapy. Take your time here.