She had an ONS, now she's "SOOOOOO" "remorseful" and wants to save the marriage

[fellini]

I agree. It seems highly unlikely that someone can have a ONS with a co-worker. An ONS usually implies a sudden meet up and hook up. Im not sure anyone can call working for someone, (or even going on a business trip), and ending up in the same hotel room with someone a ONS.

 

What you can call it is a ONT: One night thing. But this only suggests that and EA went too far, and only after the sex did one of the two decide it wasn't worth pursuing.

 

Doesn't seem to matter though, because OP is clear that he draws the line before the debate on EA/PA ONS ONT LTA. He draws the line at the point she decided to step out.

 

Wrong. Using only the information OP shared - that the OM is a co-worker - there is plenty of justification to seriously question whether this truly was a ONS. And of course, a ONS can occur between co-workers but that is not the typical case. When you are around someone on a daily basis and end up having sex with them there has been a lot of build-up leading to it. It's a strong red flag to me.

 

 

 

• 
  

[SummerDreams]

Did your wife know how strict your opinions against infidelity of any kind are and that an infidelity would lead to direct divorce?

 

If she did know, I am wondering if it would be better not to tell you anything since, as a mother, she should have prefered to keep the family together rather than release her guilt and destroying the marriage.

[drifter777]

I agree. It seems highly unlikely that someone can have a ONS with a co-worker. An ONS usually implies a sudden meet up and hook up. Im not sure anyone can call working for someone, (or even going on a business trip), and ending up in the same hotel room with someone a ONS.

 

What you can call it is a ONT: One night thing. But this only suggests that and EA went too far, and only after the sex did one of the two decide it wasn't worth pursuing.

 

Doesn't seem to matter though, because OP is clear that he draws the line before the debate on EA/PA ONS ONT LTA. He draws the line at the point she decided to step out.

 

Yes - all of this. The thing about the "ONT" with a co-worker is that while they can both agree it was a mistake and shouldn't have happened, that boundary has been shattered. They are just a smile, wink, and knowing glance away from doing it again.

 

In OP's current state of mind he is unable to tolerate any idea that another man had his hands & penis in his wife. We all know he is going to come down from his current state of blind-rage and begin to look at things more rationally. At that time I think he needs to know the whole truth in order to make the decision that's right for him and his WW. There are dozen's of scenario's that include her revealing the ONS to head off facts that are much more damaging.

 

And to OP: Why are you so ferociously angry with the OM? He just happens to be the guy she picked to cheat on you with. Repeat - the guy SHE picked. He's just a man who couldn't turn down easy, no-strings pus*y - making him pretty much like the majority of the male population. The responsibility for cheating is 100% on your wife. She made every decision along the way that brought her into bed with him. Don't take your eye off the ball.

[autumnnight]

Did your wife know how strict your opinions against infidelity of any kind are and that an infidelity would lead to direct divorce?

 

If she did know, I am wondering if it would be better not to tell you anything since, as a mother, she should have prefered to keep the family together rather than release her guilt and destroying the marriage.

 

Ummmm.is it just me, or would most people expect this to be a given if you are marrying someone.....

[SummerDreams]

Ummmm.is it just me, or would most people expect this to be a given if you are marrying someone.....

 

I would think so too but after the amount of people who choose to forgive and reconcile in this forum has made me doubt this "fact".

[autumnnight]

I would think so too but after the amount of people who choose to forgive and reconcile in this forum has made me doubt this "fact".

 

I would assume most of them, especially the BS, wouldn't find this comment as funny as you seem to.

[Tobin]

I would think so too but after the amount of people who choose to forgive and reconcile in this forum has made me doubt this "fact".

 

You aren't looking at a random sampling of betrayed partners who try to reconcile. The betrayed partners who kick the cheater to the curb don't typically post on forums like this one.

 

In other words, the population of forums like this is highly skewed towards people who are willing to tolerate cheating which is a small subset of the population in general.

 

I would assume most of them, especially the BS, wouldn't find this comment as funny as you seem to.

 

Agreed, the laughing smiley is in poor taste. A perplexed smiley would have been a better choice.

[autumnnight]

Here is my take. Cheating is a terrible betrayal that hurts every BS in ways that can't be described. However, when a BH is this firm in exactly what he wants and doesn't want, I tend to think divorce is the best option. Five years from now if his anger and feelings change and his WW has really changed, then they might revisit a relationship. A fresh start. But feeling compelled to reconcile and squash anger, in my limited observation, rarely works.

 

My opinion and 5 bucks will by a latte.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

But, what IS important here is how she felt afterwards. She obviously was remorseful and it broke her own heart to know she is capable of that. She is doing everything right NOW. So, at least take that into consideration.

It's not so obvious. She says she is remorseful. But who knows how she really feels? She may be panicking that her marriage could end and she could lose face among her peers when the details come out. You can't read her mind. Very presumptuous.

[Got it]

You aren't looking at a random sampling of betrayed partners who try to reconcile. The betrayed partners who kick the cheater to the curb don't typically post on forums like this one.

 

In other words, the population of forums like this is highly skewed towards people who are willing to tolerate cheating which is a small subset of the population in general.

 

 

 

Agreed, the laughing smiley is in poor taste. A perplexed smiley would have been a better choice.

 

I don't think the forums are filled with people "willing to tolerate cheating". Reconciliation isn't about tolerating it. Yes there are some that will rugsweep but I don't think it is fair to qualify reconciliation as tolerating.

[fellini]

it is quite clear where you stand on reconcilation. You don't.

 

But Ill tell you something that maybe you do not understand.

 

Reconcilation is a choice ONLY insofar as a majority real, betrayed, hurting and traumatised BS's, simply will not abandon 5 10 15 20 years of a marriage over a "position". So to say, in my case, for example, "I chose" to forgive sounds like I was making a decision which actually didn't really occur. In fact, that I entered into a process of reconciliation is about who I am more than some "choice" I actually made. Several of your posts here suggest that for you it's a competition between those who believe in reconciliation and those who do not. And I think it's more about discovering deep down just who we are when we face a crisis.

 

 

 

I would think so too but after the amount of people who choose to forgive and reconcile in this forum has made me doubt this "fact".

[Tobin]

I don't think the forums are filled with people "willing to tolerate cheating". Reconciliation isn't about tolerating it. Yes there are some that will rugsweep but I don't think it is fair to qualify reconciliation as tolerating.

 

Ok, perhaps tolerating wasn't the best choice of word.

 

Reconciliation with a cheater is more about.. hmm..

 

Accepting that the benefits of staying with the person outweigh the perceived benefits of leaving them. It's about compromise.

 

Better?

[fellini]

I disagree. HER decision to cheat on his marriage is 100% on her. The co-worker's decision to cheat on what he knew to be another man's wife with family IS 100% on HIM. The co-worker is NOT innocent to say the least. He knew exactly what he was getting into and STILL didn't stop himself EITHER.

 

 

 

The responsibility for cheating is 100% on your wife. She made every decision along the way that brought her into bed with him. Don't take your eye off the ball.

[fellini]

Perhaps you have a hard time defining it because you have never tried it?

 

No it's not a compromise. It's a committment. There is no "weighing" of benefits.

 

Ok, perhaps tolerating wasn't the best choice of word.

 

Reconciliation with a cheater is more about.. hmm..

 

Accepting that the benefits of staying with the person outweigh the perceived benefits of leaving them. It's about compromise.

 

Better?

[Got it]

Ok, perhaps tolerating wasn't the best choice of word.

 

Reconciliation with a cheater is more about.. hmm..

 

Accepting that the benefits of staying with the person outweigh the perceived benefits of leaving them. It's about compromise.

 

Better?

 

I think it has a LOT to do with how they handle the "after the affair". What do the do to help the BS heal, address their issues to how they got to that point, address and change coping mechanisms, FOO issues, communication and conflict avoiding skills, etc. Basically they are now fully focused on helping the BS heal as well as healing/addressing themselves to never be that person again and figuring out what allowed them to walk down that road and why.

 

I think the starting of it maybe the cost/benefit analysis but a true reconciliation requires far more.

 

But yes, it would be greatly focused on compromise as the foundation of it, staying with someone who cheated on you, would be the greatest compromising aspect but the actual reconciliation would be based on far more than just that.

 

Just my two cents.

[SummerDreams]

I don't think I'm getting understood. I asked the OP whether his wife knows how strict his opinions for infidelity are and another poster claimed that this should be a given in a marriage. But the reconciliation forum here tells me there are many stories where infidelity does not equal separation / divorce so it's not a given. Why am I getting accused of a smilie of poor taste for just giving my opinion?

 

(I won't use smilies anymore).

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

(((Update)))

 

I am not at home at this moment, so wife texted right now; she sent a longer text message/letter. To sum it up, the letter was basically about:

 

1.Remorse: she expressed once again her deep remorse about hurting, humiliating and inflicting so much pain on me. She told that if she'll get the chance, she'll dedicate her life to help me heal and get me rid of that pain.

2.Gratitude: she expressed gratitude not only for everything I have done for her in our twenty years of marriage but that I didn't left her immediately the moment she confessed everything; that I am still here. She said no matter what I decide, she's going to fight for me. She added that even divorce will not stop her from doing so unless I remarry someone afterwards. She used the military terminology, probably knowing I love it, telling that this might be her biggest fight in life and she'll better die in this war than to give up.

3.Determination to win me back and save the marriage: she told that she is basically willing to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING without exception to win me back and save the marriage. She said she knows it's her responsibility so she will give a detailed plan on how she's going to help me to restore my trust and love for her and that I am free to add anything I want and need

 

I did thank her and did not show her any signs of anger whatsoever. However, I don't know, it sounds crazy; I'm not sure but somehow it looks too good to be real.

Honestly, I think she is probably desperate and will say anything to maintain the status quo. She may even mean she will do "anything" but over time, that resolve usually wears thin.

 

I'm inclined to believe her (she is not lying about her resolve) but I don't believe that she can follow through over time (mostly because almost no one can).

[SummerDreams]

it is quite clear where you stand on reconcilation. You don't.

 

But Ill tell you something that maybe you do not understand.

 

Reconcilation is a choice ONLY insofar as a majority real, betrayed, hurting and traumatised BS's, simply will not abandon 5 10 15 20 years of a marriage over a "position". So to say, in my case, for example, "I chose" to forgive sounds like I was making a decision which actually didn't really occur. In fact, that I entered into a process of reconciliation is about who I am more than some "choice" I actually made. Several of your posts here suggest that for you it's a competition between those who believe in reconciliation and those who do not. And I think it's more about discovering deep down just who we are when we face a crisis.

 

Well I respect your opinion but I don't agree. If I do find myself cheated on after 5, 10, 15, 20 years of marriage I will evaluate at that given time LOGICALLY what I will do about it. For me it IS a decision, and if I do stay, it will BE a compromise. Why? Because the relationship as I used to know it, as it was when I made the decision to marry this person and the time we spent together as married couple will be something that will be destroyed forever. Things will be totally different. This person, the relationship, the situation, myself even, won't be the same anymore - how could we? If the list I make to decide whether to stay or leave will have more pros than cons of staying, I will stay and vice versa.

 

And I don't think it's "a competition between those who believe in reconciliation and those who do not". I just think that some people are too insecure, scared, weak, stubborn or whatever else to up and go. And I totally accept that I may be these things too if this happens. But I won't justify and sugarcoat my logical decision to stay with reconciliation nonsense. I will just admit to myself I'm staying cause I'm too weak to leave for X reasons.

 

Maybe I'm too strict, maybe I don't believe in second chances. But I do respect those like you who do and I truly wish you the best.

[Robert]

Thread reopened after review. 16 posts deleted and numerous infractions. Please remember to refrain from discussing other members and continue to post in this thread only if you are sure you are posting within our Community Guidelines. Thank you.

 

~6

Edited September 18, 2015 by Robert
reopened thread

[JS84]

Sorry you're going through this. Personally I think it sounds like you're handling things pretty well. It also sounds like you have a legitimate remorseful WW on your hands, which is pretty rare. Not including the fact that she confessed when it sounds like she didn't have to say anything.

 

I do understand if cheating for you is a deal breaker however. One night stand or long term affair, different people handle different situations differently.

 

I also don't think divorcing or reconciling in and of themselves necessarily demonstrate strength or weakness.

 

I've seen people stay in relationships suffering from cheating due to strength of character, determination, love for their family, etc and I've seen people stay simply because they were too weak, terrified, or insecure to leave. The same goes for those who have left the relationship after cheating occurs. So reconciling or divorcing doesn't necessarily say anything about you personally as much as how you go about it does.

 

It might not be the worst idea to get some space away from her however if your anger towards her is still burning hot. Like someone else said, I don't care how civil you're being to her your, going by your posts, I'm sure your kids are definitely picking up it. I think maintaining some distance would have a less detrimental effect on the children than the underlying anger and strained interactions they're picking up between the two of you in the long run.

 

Hope things work out.

[road]

Perhaps you have a hard time defining it because you have never tried it?

 

No it's not a compromise. It's a committment. There is no "weighing" of benefits.

 

 

 

 

The first step to deciding on recovery or divorce is exactly weighing of the benefits. Dating myself, Ann Landers, the original one, said many times to the BS: ask yourself will your life be better with or without the WS.

[drifter777]

I disagree. HER decision to cheat on his marriage is 100% on her. The co-worker's decision to cheat on what he knew to be another man's wife with family IS 100% on HIM. The co-worker is NOT innocent to say the least. He knew exactly what he was getting into and STILL didn't stop himself EITHER.

 

Look - you are probably right. It's my experience that guys don't pass on pus*y that's there for the taking. I really can't blame a guy for being a guy. But really - I know that this is just my view.

[BeholdtheMan]

OP...keep in mind that the ONS story is only her version of the events.

 

She claims she is confessing out of guilt...but there mighg be other reasons motivating her...like fear of being outed somehow.

[fellini]

The first step to deciding on recovery or divorce is exactly weighing of the benefits. Dating myself, Ann Landers, the original one, said many times to the BS: ask yourself will your life be better with or without the WS.

 

 

Personally, having been through a Dday, I can say that the "thinking rationally" as one poster put it, the "deciding to R or D" or the "weighing of which is better" and this, perspective do sometimes occur, but what occurs BEFORE is a recognition that DEEP DOWN I didn't want to leave. And in spite of what an earlier LS poster suggested, that this was merely a weakness on my part, that we BS's make our decisions to stay out of Fear, weakness, whatever, the truth was that it was a STRENGTH of COMMITMENT to my feelings FOR my WW, regardless of what she did to herself, to me, or to our marriage. It took enormous courage to LISTEN to my genuine feelings and not what I had been brought up to be expected to do in the moment.

 

I imagine that most BS's who went through the process of "deciding whether to R" will verify that BEFORE that question, in their GUT, in their heart, they already were open to R. It may have surprised them, it may not. But DDAY put to the test their "belief" that infidelity was a deal breaker .

 

For some people that it is a deal breaker outweighs any thoughts of R. And I get that. And it makes sense. But to think that reconciliation is a distorted reaction to a black and white situation is to completely DISMISS, which is actually a form of disrespect, what many people do. Many people embark upon R immediately. Some people actually talk about being out the door and during a process of discussion or allowing initial reactions to settle down, make an unexpected decision to try one more time. To reconcile. These stories deserve respect. These are not stories of dormats. They are stories of survivors.

 

They deserve the same respect and acceptance as those who walk away from a marriage after 20 years and 6 kids over an ONS. That cannot be an easy thing to do either.

 

The thing that hurt the most is recognizing that R was going to be a very expensive gift to the marriage, and in the spirit of the Merchant of Venice, was going to extract a pound of flesh.

 

One of the hardest things to accept beyond my WW's A was the change in me, and coping with my knowing my marriage was, in spite of the prevailing expectation, not anywhere near finished. Reconciliation was already written in my DNA before she cheated, and certainly more clear when I discovered.

Edited September 18, 2015 by fellini

[lolablue17]

let's talk about you for a second, not about her.

 

You said that you trusted her completely for many years, until D-day. Well, you were wrong, didn't you? Not her - YOU were wrong! You shouldn't have trusted her blindly. So after it's been proven that YOU made a mistake by being too naive with "trusting her completely", are you going to learn something out of it?

 

Lesson No 1: Nobody's perfect.

Lesson No 2: You can never trust anyone blindly for ever.

 

So if you're planning to have a relationship with another woman at some point, It's best that you'll remember those two lessons...

 

I don't really know, but based on what you wrote here, you didn't catch her, and the only reason you know about it is because she couldn't continue lying to you. She is not the regular opportunist type. It's going to be very hard to find a woman that is more honest than her.

 

You, mistakenly thought that the world is perfect. Now you know that it's not. You prefer to gamble with a woman who has made mistakes, hurting other men. as long as it's not you.

 

I have a surprise for you. You can't even be sure that you won't cheat in the future. I'm not implying that you will, but i've seen too many stories about people who thought that the will never "do something" but eventually they did. just a thought.