He's poorer than me... Can it work?

[Helly]

My bf and I have been together nearly 3 years, we're both in our 30s and want to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

but every now and then I worry about the future because he earns very little and never seems to ever get any nearer to doing what he really wants to do workwise (he wants to work as a film-editor and currently does various arts jobs: working in galleries, cinemas etc). I'm worried that we'll always be struggling, we'll never be able to afford a decent place to live and not be able to afford to have children. None of those things are essential to me but I suppose I would like them eventually. And if we were better off financially right now, I'm sure that we would be married and trying for the kids that we talk about having...

 

I earn alot more than him but not enough to support a whole family and, no matter how much he means to me and how much I love and admire him, I sometimes think that maybe I could find someone else who's just like him but on the same page as me financially...

 

Should I go with my instincts and stay with this wonderful man? Or should I be practical and realistic?

[Merin]

IF you cannot accept him "As is" right now then end things.. you can't change him, he may never change and if this is going to be a deal breaker better to do so now then later.

[HokeyReligions]

Well, I followed my heart and married a man who has never been able to do what he wants for a living and has been miserable---going from job to job and the burden of support has always fallen on me. I love him. I'll stay with him -- we've been together over 20 years -- but as the saying goes, if I knew then what I know now.....

 

I have been challenged to go further in a professional career than I ever really wanted, working at jobs I do not find fulfilling in order to afford a nice home and a middle-of-the-road lifestyle. I love my lifestyle and wouldn't change it even if I had more money, but after 20 I get tired and the pressures are wearing me down. If I could go back I might accept the heartbreak of losing him for the security of someone who will do what is needed too and not just not work if its not what they want to do. Or be alone and still have the pressures but only for myself.

 

But that's today and this weekend is one of my "down" weekends, where some resentment has built up. I'm just really tired. Most of the time I wouldn't trade him for anything and he does help me with my mom (who lives with us) and taking care of my dogs and running errands and killing bugs . Those contributions are very important and I don't want to down-play them.

 

Can you accept a lifestyle where you might have bouts of resentment? Is it his income potential or his work ethic and attitude that are the cause for concern?

 

As for a family, well---if everyone waited until they felt they were financially ready there would be fewer children. People find ways to afford their children.

[Helly]

Yes, I think I know what I'm letting myself in for if I follow my heart. My bf is a v special man and no one compares to him but I'm scared that 'll end up worn out and resentful and with too much baggage to face starting my life again.

I was just hoping that someone could tell me that they lived happily ever after and that love can conquer all - maybe I should go to the movies for that kind of ending?!

I realise that I'm a v lucky girl but is it wrong to want more and to aim for more in your life?

[NatoPMT]

Hi Helly! It’s been a while…

 

When I was in a relationship for 7 years and was unhappy without even realising it, I used to dream if having more money thinking my life would then be ‘perfect’. In retrospect, it was something else missing and it seems so glaringly obvious now. I never dream of having money now, but that’s because I am genuinely happy with my partner, but it took being genuinely happy to realise money wasn’t the final piece of the jigsaw. And my current partner isn’t working so I am in that position.

 

If it really is the practical aspect that’s the only concern, people do get by. If that feels like condemning yourself it a lifetime of drudgery and hand-to-mouth existence, and you are scared of the resentment you may feel in the future towards him, then you have to talk this through this with him. You have obviously discussed the future including marriage and kids, but did you discuss your concerns with him, what might actually stop that future happening?

If he’s not aware of the effect his apathy towards his career then he has no way understanding what your needs or fears are. He’s unlikely to ever be a high earner, unless his drive for making you happy is stronger than his lack of work ethic. He might surprise you – he might not, but he has to know what the concerns are. You might want to work out with him how much you need as a minimal to get by at the standard of living you find acceptable, and see if you can arrange a solution together, rather than putting the whole additional earning issue in his court. Marriage is a partnership whereby you both work to the same goals and support each other, you might find a fantastic man with a lovely big salary to find he’s made redundant 2 years after you get married. Ever the optimist.

 

Good luck – BB (also still unmarried and barren)

[Helly]

Hello Ms Belm!

Yes, it's been a while since I've been here (surely a good sign that my relationship is a happy one?!)

 

I think you're right. I might sit down with him and do the sums so we both know in black and white where we need to go...

 

You're right that when you're happy, you don't worry about money And mostly I feel glad and happy bout my life? Maybe I need to work out why I'm starting to worry about the future? Maybe, we're just not really that compatible? Or maybe we're just going thru a bit off a down stage in our relationship? As Hokey suggests, without him, I only have myself to support and worry about but surely that'll be a lonely ol' life?

 

Does anyone know how to figure this one out?

[mymojo]

You need to think about the long hard road ahead of you.How will you feel 5-10 yrs down the line if you need to limit the size of your family or cannot afford to have kids at all ? How will you feel if his ambitions slip even lower and you find yourself the sole breadwinner much or all of the time?

 

How will you feel at work when other women are talking about their lives and they live MUCH better than you do because their husbands are working ?How will you feel being the object of rude gossip and speculation concerning your giggilo husband.

 

How will you feel dragging home after a long day at work to somebody who's most stressful task might have been cooking dinner or lying outside sunning himself? How will you feel if he minimizes your contributions to the relationship

and acts as if it's no big deal that you support everybody ? How will you feel after a decade of minimizing your achivements in order to bolster his ego?

 

How will you feel if, in addition to working the bulk of heavy cleaning/household chores still falls to you ? How will you feel if he becomes threatened by the fiscal power imbalance and decides to control/ration sex,fun outtings and every other pleasurable activity other couples enjoy ? How will you feel if he becomes passive/aggressive and acts in ways to sabatoge your chances at career success?

 

How will you feel if 10 yrs down the road he expresses his hatred of you because your success makes his career shortcomings loom large in his mind

and he feels like a failure?

[Helly]

Hello mymojo!

 

Of course that'll never happen! Right?

 

Is that what you thought? and then, 10 years down the line you realised it had happened?

 

I can't see my bf lying around doin nothing (he's quite driven and motivated) and I feel that alarm bells would ring and I would do something about it/ get out of the situation if things started to get like that.

 

but I do find myself bolstering his ego, not doin stuff that I could afford to do if I wasn't with him etc - isn't that what being in a loving, supportive relationship is about? I suppose I'm happy to do that when things are good and when things aren't great is when I might feel resentful. Hmmmm?

 

I came here hoping for some happy ever after stories to reassure me that love can conquer all and that love will prevent resentment and bitterness from ruining the relationship... Maybe that really only happens in the movies <sigh>

[NatoPMT]

If ever I end up in the situation Mojo describes, put me out of my misery. Worst of all, I think that description describes the dynamic of a larger proportion of unhappy couples than id care to imagine. In my opinion, love CAN conquer all. But that love has to be real genuine love – the kind that doesn’t judge, is respectful, honest and based on mutual communication. Not a combination of lust, history and circumstances with a pile of insecurities thrown in.

 

If you end up all of those things, then its because you ignore the obvious and hope everything will work out, then become resentful if it doesn’t go your way. That’s not what happens in marriage, it doesn’t fall in your lap (apparently) - you talk to him. Its being assumed he wont pull his finger out – that’s not yet known because you haven’t discussed it with him yet. He’s being condemned without having a chance to answer his case.

 

‘Maybe I need to work out why I'm starting to worry about the future? Maybe, we're just not really that compatible? Or maybe we're just going thru a bit off a down stage in our relationship? As Hokey suggests, without him, I only have myself to support and worry about but surely that'll be a lonely ol' life?’

 

I think you are right to be AWARE of the future, you don’t need to actually worry until you have spoken to him and he’s denied there’s a problem and runs off singing la la la im not listening. That’s not going to happen is it?

 

Worry happens when you face this alone, and you have no control over the outcome because you are worrying about something he needs to sort out. Keep your problems to yourself and try to second guess what he’ll do then of course you will worry. When you talk, you KNOW what he will do and then you accept it or create a plan together to get where you want. The with-holding of your worries could be creating the downstage in your relationship single handedly. Is handedly a real word?

 

Why do you say you may not be that compatible? Is this the same guy that you ended things with once? The one with big brown eyes?

 

BB

[tokyo]

BigBelm is right, you should give your boyfriend a chance to know what your concerns are and to work out a solution with you. He may think that you're happy with your situation as it is now, thus not really trying very hard to change anything, why improve something when it's working so well?

 

Right now, you're not including him in your decisions and that's why facing the future seems so tough. You're carrying his and your burden alone. Let him participate in your relationship and if you don't see him sharing the same concerns for you, then maybe then let go and find a better partner.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Helly

I was just hoping that someone could tell me that they lived happily ever after and that love can conquer all - maybe I should go to the movies for that kind of ending?!

 

Yes, because you almost certainly won't find it in real life. That's why such movies are popular - escape.

 

 

I realise that I'm a v lucky girl but is it wrong to want more and to aim for more in your life?

 

That would be the influence of advertising. And the consumer culture promoted by your bf's chosen profession

 

 

Yes, I think I know what I'm letting myself in for if I follow my heart. My bf is a v special man and no one compares to him

 

Don't underestimate the value of this.

 

You say he's dynamic. Not a problem of laziness or lack of drive.

 

So I agree with previous posters that you should talk to him. Express your concerns. Check out his gameplan. A good compromise could be that he tries for a certain time to break into the film editing thing. But if it doesn't work in the longer term, he accepts this and moves on to something more lucrative.

 

Who knows? A few of us are lucky enough to actually land that dream job. And your guy may become the next Stephen Spielberg. But the odds are against him, so you need to carefully consider the consequences of failure. Will he live out a long midlife crisis? Will his mind always be elsewhere, reliving the disappointment? Or living in unreal hope? Will he blame you? Or look for a woman who can help him break into the industry?

 

Just some thoughts.

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree that you should talk to him but in reality, he kinda needs to grow up. I'm not meaning to be harsh here. Everyone has something that they would LOVE to be able to do besides taking a job they do not like. Few people are 100 percent happy with what they do, and make a living and get by. Everyone has dreams.

 

Dreams do not usually pay the bills. Where would he be and how would he support himself without you?

 

When you become a grown up you do what you have to do. Especially once you have children. You sacrifice. Some people work jobs that they hate just to have health insurance. I thank God I've never had to, but you get the picture.

 

If you can live your life not knowing whether or not he will ever grow up and accept responsibility, then I say it's the life for you.

 

I worked with a girl, her hubby had been a baseball player- semi pro. Of course his dream was to go to the majors. They moved all over the country for years so he could try and achieve that dream- but he just wasn't the majors material. She finally got tired of it and they moved back home where they were from. He had to get a real job. He stays depressed and acts immature because he simply cannot accept his dream didn't work out. He's jealous and insecure and they barely make enough together to pay the bills. He had to take a second job so they could buy much needed furniture- which caused more resentment on his part.

Now they have a child and more responsiblity- and he cannot go back and pursue baseball with a baby to support. A midlife crisis waiting to happen at 25!

 

Be very careful!

[amerikajin]

Love's kinda like a game of black jack. We're always asking for that one last card, hoping we don't go bust.

 

If you gotta drop him, then drop him....but what if you never find anyone else like him ever again?

 

I agree with the others, talk it over and voice your concerns. But be prepared, 'cause he might have a few concerns of his own.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by amerikajin

Love's kinda like a game of black jack. We're always asking for that one last card, hoping we don't go bust.

 

Frighteningly accurate.

[Lil Honey]

This IS a most excellent post!

 

Originally posted by BigBelm

Hi Helly! It’s been a while…

 

When I was in a relationship for 7 years and was unhappy without even realising it, I used to dream if having more money thinking my life would then be ‘perfect’. In retrospect, it was something else missing and it seems so glaringly obvious now. I never dream of having money now, but that’s because I am genuinely happy with my partner, but it took being genuinely happy to realise money wasn’t the final piece of the jigsaw. And my current partner isn’t working so I am in that position.

 

If it really is the practical aspect that’s the only concern, people do get by. If that feels like condemning yourself it a lifetime of drudgery and hand-to-mouth existence, and you are scared of the resentment you may feel in the future towards him, then you have to talk this through this with him. You have obviously discussed the future including marriage and kids, but did you discuss your concerns with him, what might actually stop that future happening?

If he’s not aware of the effect his apathy towards his career then he has no way understanding what your needs or fears are. He’s unlikely to ever be a high earner, unless his drive for making you happy is stronger than his lack of work ethic. He might surprise you – he might not, but he has to know what the concerns are. You might want to work out with him how much you need as a minimal to get by at the standard of living you find acceptable, and see if you can arrange a solution together, rather than putting the whole additional earning issue in his court. Marriage is a partnership whereby you both work to the same goals and support each other, you might find a fantastic man with a lovely big salary to find he’s made redundant 2 years after you get married. Ever the optimist.

 

Good luck – BB (also still unmarried and barren)

 

 

I think that you need to tell your boyfriend how you feel. If you can't communicate with each other now, you won't suddenly find the ability when you walk down the aisle or give birth to that first child.

 

If your man is as good a guy as you think, he will be willing to do his part. At this point, your situation sounds a lot like my daughter's (see the Parent forum, "What's a Mom to do?"). As Mz. Pixie said, he needs to grow up. I don't know anyone who is doing what they dream of doing. Most of us are doing what we HAVE to do to survive in the world.

 

Don't allow him to take advantage (any longer) of the fact that you are so willing to work and support him.

 

Also, take a good look at how each of you spends money. There may be ways to revamp the budget and get more bang for your buck.

 

Lil Hon

[Caidy]

Hon...if there is ANYTHING you don't like about him, don't get engaged to him...and above all, don't marry him. It's such a bad idea.

 

Merin is so right, you can't change anyone. Don't try. There is no point, it will only cause you pain in the end.

[kkat]

The New York Times has been running a series over the past weeks on the issues of differences of economic class and income and how it affects relationships.

 

Suze Orman consistently points out how differences in philosophies and goals about money are the biggest factors in divorces.

 

You and are fiance appear to have different philosophies and goals about money.

 

You: Willing to work in a job that pays well enough to give you a chance at financial stability, the money to have a home and pay for the expenses of having children.

 

He: Prefers to work in jobs that are somehow related to his ideal life pursuit (film directing) even though those jobs are not financially very rewarding NOR actually in his desired field, but simply related.

 

Your values, priorities, goals and philosophies appear quite different when it comes to money, finances, and the like.

 

I don't think either of you are right or wrong, but I do think it's an incompatability that could be a big problem down the road.

 

I think raising the issue with him openly, honestly and without judgement is the first step. Good luck!

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by Helly

Should I go with my instincts and stay with this wonderful man? Or should I be practical and realistic?

 

Both. He should find a job with a better income. He might need to start from a scratch in another working field or even re-educate. Arts are a very ungrateful field money-wise. As much as they fulfill you with pleasure they usually don't bring money unless you're big or lucky to find a job in some big company.

Some dreams don't come true. He will have to choose between career and family. Help him find the best compromise. He can find another job and keep trying to succeed as a film editor. It's not that easy to pursue your dreams. Too many people in the film/TV industry; too few jobs.

[tiredofbeingtheother]

there are some things more important than money. i would rather spend my life in a trailor with my soumate than live in a mansion with a "breadwinner". life is too short, be happy.

[UltimateZen]

What it comes down to is this:

 

Do you want to live your life in a fantasy book or in the real world? Remember you are with a man whom you are deciding is the best you can do for you and your future children. People/movies/society say love is everything and it will conquer all....but love does not pay the bills and provide for a comfortable life...unless your a call girl or jigalo. But money isn't everything either. You need to make the judgement as to whether your love for this guy is strong enough to tough it through the real world. Will you always be the supporter? Will he always be in search of a dream that might never happen? After 3 years it is safe to say what he is capable of accomplishing....so is it realistic that he will be in a position to provide for a family? the answer may be yes....but then again you wouldn't want to wait 10 years for this to happen. Nobody can see into the future; but you can tell a lot by a person in their actions. Actions always speak louder than words.