Gone in an instant

[Draper]

My girlfriend and I were together for 6 months. Not a super long relationship, but we were deeply attached and I felt as if it was going somewhere. And so did she. We often talked about how perfect we were for each other - her family loved me, mine loved her. We didn't fight much, and we were simply there for each other. In the last couple months of the relationship, I'd say we were just as close if not closer than ever. I was sleeping at her place nearly every night and it was very seldom we went a day without seeing each other.

 

The relationship had it's challenges, though. She struggles with depression and anxiety related to PTSD from an accident she was in awhile back. A month or two into the relationship she was feeling some stuff and decided to go back on antidepressants. She sat me down and we had a talk about the side effects they might have, etc. I simply assured her I would be there no matter what and that seemed to mean the world to her.

 

Now, antidepressants have a very weird effect on people. At first it was fine, but slowly you could she was becoming sort of numb. Then later, the sex drive started to disappear. I initially took this as her pushing me away but, in fact, she wasn't - she wanted me beside her in bed every night, she just had hardly any will to have sex which I can only assume is because of the medication since we always an exceptionally healthy sex life.

 

This is where things get complicated, though. A few weeks ago she came on a family vacation with my family and I. It was great, we did a lot of activities together and shopping, etc. It went well - I remember I attempted sex on the first night and when she declined I was a bit pouty about it. Knowing I was sooking, she put her hand on mine in the bed and looked at me and told me she loved me.

 

Fast forward a few days. We get home from the vacation. They very same day we get home she tells me she thinks we should take a break and not see each other for awhile, as her depression is worsening and she just isn't okay to be in relationship now. She took a couple days to think and then we met up. When we met, she essentially told me she wanted to take a temporary break to figure out her depression, she said she was going to see a therapist and wants to get off the medication. She said things like 'couples get back together all the time' and 'i do care about and see a future with you, im not saying its forever just for now'. And so, there was little I could do but accept it. In a matter of days I lost everything I had worked and been so devoted to.

 

Here is where things get messed up. I was starting to come to terms with it - accepting the fact that she needs to get better and that maybe we have a shot once she improves. Then she goes and does something that really doesn't sit well with me. At one point in our relationship (when she just started the medication), she went to the bar one night with her girlfriends and ended up kissing this dude. I was a wreck about it and extremely upset but we worked it out. She assured me it was one stupid, drunken mistake and that she 'wasn't that kind of girl'. She promised to stop talking to him.

 

So I log on to facebook the other day and I see this guy, the one she kissed, has tagged her in a post asking her if they can go to this event that's over a year away. She comments on it 'YES!'. Not two weeks after she dumped me, she is making plans and talking to this guy. I was a mess last night and I confronted her about it. She basically said 'I can have guy friends and honestly i can do what i want' and said she just wasn't ready for a long term relationship. She said she was sorry, that i deserved some who would 'treat me a hell of a lot better than i could' and that she wants to be by herself and alone.

 

And now I'm a mess. I feel like she has dumped me for someone else. I don't know for sure - maybe they are just friends but it seems awfully strange that she just magically becomes friends with him right after we break up. I can't help but feel like she used the depression almost like an 'excuse' when she dumped me. I know that may sound cruel. I just don't how to get past it. I tried to go out to breakfast with a friend a little while ago and I literally had to go to the bathroom and vomit in the middle of my meal because i was so consumed by the thought of her leaving me for someone else.

 

I'm sorry for this novel, I just feel vulnerable and weak and helpless. I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing but thank you if you do.

[mightycpa]

Welcome to the club. Most, if not all of us, have been through something like you've just been through, and we've all felt probably exactly like you're feeling - in despair, in disbelief, like the whole world turned upside down while we were asleep.

 

You wrote this:

 

She basically said 'I can have guy friends and honestly i can do what i want' and said she just wasn't ready for a long term relationship. She said she was sorry, that i deserved some who would 'treat me a hell of a lot better than i could' and that she wants to be by herself and alone.

 

Believe every part of that, except for the bolded part. First, everybody is ready for a long term relationship, at any moment. They just have to meet the right person, and boom, they're in. Next, she does not want to be alone. She may or may not want one boyfriend. She might want to see more than one guy, but she has no intention of being alone. But she is done with you, and you need to come to grips with that. Don't go confront her, don't go ask for explanations, don't talk to her or even look at her. Figure out how to live your life without her in it at all. You don't want to hang around and watch a parade of guys with her, or to watch her fall in love with someone else. So disappear from her radar, and make her disappear from yours.

 

The formula for doing that is simple to understand, but extremely difficult to execute:

 

1. Stop all contact with this girl. Ignore her at all costs.
   
2. Believe she's gone in your mind.
   
3. Then make your heart believe.
   

Good luck, you're going to need to be strong.

[PegNosePete]

She said she was sorry, that i deserved some who would 'treat me a hell of a lot better than i could'

In my experience, when someone says that, they are usually right. You deserve better than how she is treating you.

 

She has quite clearly shown you where she stands. She does not want to be in a relationship with you. Has she dumped you for someone else? Most likely yes but who cares? It makes no difference whether she has dumped you for someone else, to be alone, to take a one-way trip to Mars or to fly off on her magic carpet to see the Pixie king. The fact is that the relationship is over.

 

I am sorry but I see little option here but for you to move on. NC will help you a lot.

[PaperCrane]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

Regardless of her issues or anything else, just put those on the shelf right now, she acted in a way that was not okay. Drinking doesn't make you a different person it just makes more of you and what you want come out without much of a filter. I hate to say it man but she wanted to kiss this other man. She cheated on you and lied to your face.

 

Antidepressants can reduce sex drive but it won't just disappear. If she just cut you off...90% of the time it's because of someone else.

 

Your gut instinct is most likely correct. And I hate to say that.

 

On the upside...this girl is bad news for you. Would you really want to be with someone who would cheat on you and lie to you? No, you wouldn't. She did you a huge favor by leaving and letting you go find someone who actually respects you.

 

It'll be tough but it's time to 110% cut her out of your life. On every front. In every way. Do not communicate at all about anything. She doesn't deserve communication with you.

 

Take time if you can to readjust to your new lifestyle. It will shock your system because routines will change. You'll be going through a chemical withdrawal similar to quitting a drug. To grow from this each time you feel weak you should call a friend and tell them you're having a weak moment and you need to be talked out of doing something dumb; drinking heavily, contacting her, etc etc.

[Tobin]

And now I'm a mess. I feel like she has dumped me for someone else. I don't know for sure - maybe they are just friends

 

You feel like she dumped you for someone else because she dumped you for someone else, who is not a friend, and you know this to be true because they kissed.

 

Sorry dude but she's gone, you've got some denial going which is completely understandable, but the truth will start to sink in and the pain will increase- but then it will start getting better.

 

The good news is that you weren't with her "that long". Yes I know, it was long enough to hurt but it could have been much worse.

[Draper]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

It really angers me that she would sit there and tell me that she doesn't want to end things forever. The day we met up and officially broke up, I asked her point blank "Do you still see a future for this" and she said "Yes, I do honestly". Of course, if she saw a future she wouldn't be talking to this guy. Even if she didn't have something going on with him, she knows damn well how I feel about him so for her to throw things around on facebook with him is a complete slap in the face to me.

 

It's so hard to believe this is happening because despite our relationship only being 6 months, leading up to that was much longer. We've run into each other different times over the past year or two and there's always been a sort of flirting between us. Her mom even told me once that was constantly talking about the cute guy she see's at work all the time (this would have been last summer). Things finally get started for real and she throws it all away. I can't help but think the depression and medication may play a hand, and I certainly think she's going to regret this going forward when/if she gets the help she needs. I can't see myself ever being able to forgive her for treating me like this though. She comes on a family trip with us one week and lets myself and parents spend all this money on her, then breaks up with me the day we return, then she starts whatever is going with this guy. Yeah, I don't think I'll ever get over that as much as I do care about her.

 

What Pete said about me deserving better is starting to sink in. I have so much love for her that it blinds me from her faults but I'm starting to see it - I mean I treated this girl the best I possibly could. I was the one she wanted waiting for her at home when she got off work. I was the one that bought her dinners, movies, gifts, flowers, etc. I was the one that was always there when she needed me. And for all that I did, the way she handled everything that happened was disrespectful to me.

 

It's hard for me to talk to other people because I don't have a lot of close people in my life that I can talk about these things with. In fact, she was the only person I shared my deepest thoughts with. I have friends, but not on the level that I can talk to about this stuff and seek advice. Family is essentially out of the question too. Which is why I have turned to a place like this, so I really appreciate everything you guys have said (even the harsh realities!). I will never understand how someone can tell someone they love them 5 times a day and then completely shut them out overnight.

 

I know I need to just cut her out, and it's gonna be hard. I want day one of NC to be today though. I know she works tonight so I'm going to send a message to her mom later and see if I can drop by her place to pick up my things. I'm gonna return her things too, including the keychain with our initials and date we started dating engraved on it that she gave me just a few weeks ago.

 

It's terrifying to be facing this alone. This morning in that restaurant was the first time I've ever experienced something like what I can only assume was a panic attack. I literally had to get from my seat, go to the bathroom and vomited, I could barely breath. When I calmed down and look in the mirror, all I could think was how the hell did you let her do this to you.

Edited September 16, 2015 by Draper

[bluefeather]

It doesn't sound like there was anything you could have done to prevent what happened. The moment you are dealing with someone who has a mental condition, you are dealing with someone who will not act in a way that is considered "normal" unless they get serious help to improve their condition. She sounds like she has a long road ahead of her towards becoming a healed person. Wish her well, and let her go.

 

I've been there too. And it hurt a lot. But that person needs therapy. All the love I could give would not be enough. It helped to realize that.

[Draper]

Yeah I've been trying to accept the fact that I'll never fully understand whats happening. There's loads of stories out about people being put on these medications, pushing people they love away, and then they get off them and realize they screwed up. Will it happen in my case? Who knows.

 

I have a feeling that after a bit of NC, I won't have any desire to return to the relationship anyways. It's weird I can see that the best thing for me is to leave her behind, but I'm stuck with such a profound sadness that she's no longer in my life. On top of that, I've always been insecure about other guys and **** and now I imagining her seeing someone else is eating away at me.

[sly_fly1]

My girlfriend and I were together for 6 months. Not a super long relationship, but we were deeply attached and I felt as if it was going somewhere. And so did she. We often talked about how perfect we were for each other - her family loved me, mine loved her. We didn't fight much, and we were simply there for each other. In the last couple months of the relationship, I'd say we were just as close if not closer than ever. I was sleeping at her place nearly every night and it was very seldom we went a day without seeing each other.

 

The relationship had it's challenges, though. She struggles with depression and anxiety related to PTSD from an accident she was in awhile back. A month or two into the relationship she was feeling some stuff and decided to go back on antidepressants. She sat me down and we had a talk about the side effects they might have, etc. I simply assured her I would be there no matter what and that seemed to mean the world to her.

 

Now, antidepressants have a very weird effect on people. At first it was fine, but slowly you could she was becoming sort of numb. Then later, the sex drive started to disappear. I initially took this as her pushing me away but, in fact, she wasn't - she wanted me beside her in bed every night, she just had hardly any will to have sex which I can only assume is because of the medication since we always an exceptionally healthy sex life.

 

This is where things get complicated, though. A few weeks ago she came on a family vacation with my family and I. It was great, we did a lot of activities together and shopping, etc. It went well - I remember I attempted sex on the first night and when she declined I was a bit pouty about it. Knowing I was sooking, she put her hand on mine in the bed and looked at me and told me she loved me.

 

Fast forward a few days. We get home from the vacation. They very same day we get home she tells me she thinks we should take a break and not see each other for awhile, as her depression is worsening and she just isn't okay to be in relationship now. She took a couple days to think and then we met up. When we met, she essentially told me she wanted to take a temporary break to figure out her depression, she said she was going to see a therapist and wants to get off the medication. She said things like 'couples get back together all the time' and 'i do care about and see a future with you, im not saying its forever just for now'. And so, there was little I could do but accept it. In a matter of days I lost everything I had worked and been so devoted to.

 

Here is where things get messed up. I was starting to come to terms with it - accepting the fact that she needs to get better and that maybe we have a shot once she improves. Then she goes and does something that really doesn't sit well with me. At one point in our relationship (when she just started the medication), she went to the bar one night with her girlfriends and ended up kissing this dude. I was a wreck about it and extremely upset but we worked it out. She assured me it was one stupid, drunken mistake and that she 'wasn't that kind of girl'. She promised to stop talking to him.

 

So I log on to facebook the other day and I see this guy, the one she kissed, has tagged her in a post asking her if they can go to this event that's over a year away. She comments on it 'YES!'. Not two weeks after she dumped me, she is making plans and talking to this guy. I was a mess last night and I confronted her about it. She basically said 'I can have guy friends and honestly i can do what i want' and said she just wasn't ready for a long term relationship. She said she was sorry, that i deserved some who would 'treat me a hell of a lot better than i could' and that she wants to be by herself and alone.

 

And now I'm a mess. I feel like she has dumped me for someone else. I don't know for sure - maybe they are just friends but it seems awfully strange that she just magically becomes friends with him right after we break up. I can't help but feel like she used the depression almost like an 'excuse' when she dumped me. I know that may sound cruel. I just don't how to get past it. I tried to go out to breakfast with a friend a little while ago and I literally had to go to the bathroom and vomit in the middle of my meal because i was so consumed by the thought of her leaving me for someone else.

 

I'm sorry for this novel, I just feel vulnerable and weak and helpless. I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing but thank you if you do.

 

Hate to break it to you. But 6 months isnt very long. I know you liked her alot. But take a step back and look at your situation everything she told you is an exuse. She started falling for another guy and your relationship went sour. Dull. Maybe you were missinf traits the new guy now has. Shes no woman. Shes a girl. Missing her is normal. N it hurts to be left forsome one else. Double punch to the stomach. Ive been there twice. Second time i got back together n stayed together. Be ALONE for a while. Play video games. Until your ready. Stay away from contact . She will miss you. But does not mean youll get back together. Keep your head up. Theres over a billion women n shes only one of them. My personal advice in a relationship. Biuld your life seperate before you do it together

[Oregon_Dude]

Hey Draper (good handle, btw),

 

it sucks, dude. And I know it hurts right now. My ex pulled something similar on me about 6 weeks ago, and while I'm getting over it, I went to bed last night analyzing my own actions, wondering if there is anything I could have done differently. Well, yeah, I could have waited around to see if she was going to change her mind, but living in a state of anxiety about whether or not I was in a r/s was not something I was willing to do.

 

Anyway. I think you're giving too much attention to the fact that your ex recently got on AD's. Mine did too, and while I guess those brain chemical changes can sort of contribute to one's actions, they in no way excuse them at all. She pushed you away because at the time, she didn't want you. It's painful, but you also have to remember that what a young woman wants changes literally almost daily. She was incapable of valuing your six months together, and instead chose to disregard that time and find greener pastures. That is her choice. From your perspective, it's the stupid choice, but we are not young women and we don't get what's going on in their heads. Most likely, neither do they. They often act on impulse.

 

Will she regret it? Maybe, maybe not. If she does, and come crawling back, your goal should be to have emotionally progressed so far at that point that you would not take her back even if she tried.

 

Stop checking up on her FB, dude. Block her. The less you know the better. You already know enough to have hurt yourself - these interactions with another guy. So, cut it out.

 

Lastly, I feel like I can tell a lot about people by the way they write. You seem like an educated, smart, really stand up guy. A good BF and all that. So, while people say "it's their loss" a lot to the point of cliche, I really do believe in this instance that this girl breaking up with you will be her loss and your gain. The right partner doesn't just throw you away when they're bored or whatever. They value your presence in their life and would do anything to keep you.

 

Take care amigo.

[Draper]

Thanks for the kind words. (I assure you I'm nothing like the real Draper as far as relationships go )

 

6 months isn't long, no, but we were very attached. It's missing the small things that is the worst for me. Like who am I going to go see this movie I want to see with? Who am I going to go out for dinner with? And as pathetic as it is, I sometimes have to wonder who will tell me that they love me?

 

The more I think about it, the more I think she desperately needs help whether it be counselling or whatever. A couple of days ago, her mom messaged me on facebook. She told me that they all missed having me out there and that she hoped we worked it out. She went on to say 'She told me she didn't want it to be forever so time will tell'. I guess she is lying to everyone. Perhaps herself included.

 

I definitely need to stop with the FB stuff. I'll probably deactivate it or block her. I'm heading out to her parents house soon to collect my things. I planned it around her work schedule so she won't be there. I also collected all the things of hers that I have and plan to drop them off. I took all the pictures of us I had on my phone and buried them in my external hard drive, then deleted them off my phone. Figured I might regret deleting them all together.

 

Further adding to the surprise of all this is that you're right in your analysis of my writing - I don't like to compare myself to others but I do have my **** together. I'm a university student, come from a good background, and I like to think I'm a pretty good guy as far as morals go. Loyalty is the number one thing to me. I would never betray someone, but unfortunately that doesn't protect me from being on the receiving end.

 

I know I need to walk away from this for my own wellbeing. I've never felt weaker than when I have to go throw up in the middle of a meal with friends because of her. I can't let her do that to me. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do it but somehow I need to shake the feeling that I need her.

[PaperCrane]

Dude it's okay.

 

I threw up too, it sucks. You'll find your footing soon enough. In the meanwhile you will be hurting so bad that you will find yourself wishing the ceiling will just fall in. You're not a weak person because of it.

 

Part of loving someone is allowing that person the ability to tear you to shreds but hoping that they won't. Vulnerability like that, when given to someone you love, is a virtue rather than a hindrance. When looked at from the overall scheme of things you got to experience something very real that many people guard themselves against because they simply lack the internal fortitude to handle the aftermath.

 

She walked away from a good man and it sounds like she did it because she's approaching that 'quarter life crisis' where people sometimes feel the need to go explore without having a relationship that's overly serious. They see this thing that's real and they can have it if they want (you with the marriage and the kids and the dog) or they can try and have this idea of a life where they can go be free and wild. Sometimes called GIGS.

 

Often times they will come to regret their decision. They'll come back usually. The problem is, is that while you probably thought of this too you chose this other person over the idea of something out there for the real thing you spent time and effort building. You will probably not want her back when this time comes around. In all honesty you shouldn't welcome it either.

 

Spend some time mentally letting go of things. Just tell yourself to forget it. Go work out or go hiking or anything. Exercising helped me so much through my failed LTR. Gosh we even talked about marriage and kids before she up and left.

 

Keep us up to date on your progress.

 

Do me a favor though, if you can, right now go and block her on FB and block her cell # from texts/calls. After you do that and drop off and retrieve your belongings, I'd block the family as well. It's not out of spite, it's to let you heal. Seeing their updates involving her and other things will be like ripping out stitches and you have to start all over.

[Draper]

God that was hard. I forgot how much I had come to care for her family, and the same for them to me. I ended up sitting down with them and chatting for a bit. I was hoping to be in and out but these people have been so good to me.

 

Her mom told me that she 'has my back' and that she was trying her best to help on her end. It took a lot of strength to hold it together. A part of me honestly wanted to straight up tell her that I want nothing to do with her daughter but I couldn't. God damn. How the hell can I still care about someone so much when theres a good chance they're already with some other dude?

 

I'm ashamed to say I went immediately from her house to the convenience store to grab some tobacco. I've already turned to pot the last couple weeks but I gotta be careful with tobacco, I've had to kick it before. Obviously this is a terrible and unhealthy coping mechanism but if there were ever a time it was warranted it would be now. However, a friend who works at the gym/goes to the gym a lot told me he had lots of free passes if I wanted to go with him and try it out so I think I'm going to do that. Blow off steam. I just feel completely hung out to dry by her. I don't know to explain, I don't know how to forget it.

 

I just can't bear to think she loves someone else, I can't.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Draper

[PaperCrane]

I mean shoot, are you me? I had such a similar experience. I've been smoking now since the breakup. I turned to it as a crutch for stress. Let me tell you, this second time quitting after kicking it 10 years ago is hard. Very hard. I'm over the breakup but this habit is balls.

 

I hate it. If anything chew gum. The urge lasts 10-15 minutes. If you can hold off for that long for 3 days the physical draw goes away.

 

Don't let weakness consume you. Think of yourself 4 months from now and looking back on how well you handled everything. Be someone you can be proud of.

 

The best revenge is living as well as you can. You're young, bright, and driven. Don't let someone bring you down that doesn't even deserve your respect. You'll always care. You'll always remember. That doesn't mean it has to be in the present though.

[Draper]

Don't mean to spam this but wanted to give a quick update as to where I'm at. I find posting here helps so don't mind me if I keep repeating the same bs.

 

Going to get my stuff earlier was hard, but I held it together. It took a lot of strength for me to go there and sit down and have a conversation with her family without breaking down, because I do love her family. They've aways welcomed me into their home, and they've always respected me for how I treated their daughter. Her father once told me that. So as I sat at the house I spent so many nights in, it was bitter as hell knowing I'll probably never be back. I do feel accomplished in that I made it there and back without losing my cool. When I got back to the security of my apartment, I was in bad shape. Puked. Tried to eat (hadn't eaten since breakfast earlier). Puked again.

 

This a mess. I'm a mess. But I know there's only one way out of it. Right now, I have the will to go with the no contact but what terrifies me is how am I going to feel in the morning? I know I'm going to be thinking of her, and I worry I'll cave in and break it. I'm trying not to dwell on the past but I will never understand how someone can look you in the eye and say they love you, and break up with you to be with someone else not 5 days later. I find it greatly disturbing that I share such fond memories and feelings with someone capable of doing that.

 

One thing that keeps resonating with me is when said 'you deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better than this'. What the hell does that mean? I see it as a half-ass guilt ridden attempt at some sort of an apology. You know, she did treat me like **** and I was too naive to see it until now. I suppose it's my own fault for letting her walk all over me but im inherently not confrontational so I didn't often speak up about what pissed me off. She has the audacity to come on a family trip with me and allow me to buy her **** and cater to her and tells me how much she loves me, yet she probably had it planned the whole time to end it as soon as we returned.

 

When I dropped her stuff off at her place, I put the keychain she gave me a few weeks ago right on top. It had our initials and the date we started dating engraved on it. It was either give it back or throw it in the trash, so I figured I'd give it to her. Maybe it will remind her of what she once was. Maybe it will let her know that I'm done hanging on to this ****.

 

I started this post asking myself how I will succeed at no contact but after what I just wrote, I just feel anger and pity for her. I just need to commit to no contact, erase her from my life and mind and focus on my own wellbeing. My birthday is coming up next week so I reckon she will try to message me then. It will be hard to ignore, but you guys have given me strength. I don't really have the option of getting a friend to talk me out of texting her so I will rely on the things you guys have said to keep me knowing that I don't deserve to be treated like this.

[Draper]

I mean shoot, are you me? I had such a similar experience. I've been smoking now since the breakup. I turned to it as a crutch for stress. Let me tell you, this second time quitting after kicking it 10 years ago is hard. Very hard. I'm over the breakup but this habit is balls.

 

I hate it. If anything chew gum. The urge lasts 10-15 minutes. If you can hold off for that long for 3 days the physical draw goes away.

 

Don't let weakness consume you. Think of yourself 4 months from now and looking back on how well you handled everything. Be someone you can be proud of.

 

The best revenge is living as well as you can. You're young, bright, and driven. Don't let someone bring you down that doesn't even deserve your respect. You'll always care. You'll always remember. That doesn't mean it has to be in the present though.

 

Yeah I'm going to set some limits for myself. I don't want to fall into the trap and get hooked on it again, but it was either this or drinking and I can't drink like this. If I do, I know I'll end up breaking NC.

 

Thank you for your kind words. You've been more help to me than you probably realize. I'm just going to try to focus on me. I'm gonna start hitting the gym with my friend I mentioned earlier, and I'm making plans to go to this university event thing this Friday. I'll probably try to stay away from booze for the reason mentioned above, though.

[bluefeather]

Keep coming back here as much as you need to. It really does help. That's why I'm here too.

[Draper]

It does help. Being around people who know what your going through makes the world of difference. I've come to think that more often that not, it takes some outside perspective to see when your being mistreated. Love blinds us unfortunately and sometimes we just need a reality check.

 

I'm still left with so many questions, though. Yesterday I asked her if something was going on with this guy the whole time and she said "No. I literally can't believe you just asked me that", as if it were so unbelievable. She never actually admitted anything was going on now, either. There's a part of me that doubts she has feelings for this guy, I just don't know. I've never taken her to be someone who could look me in the eyes and say shes see a future with me if she didn't mean it.

 

I'm trying to move on here but nothing is worse than imagining someone you love with someone else.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Draper

[PaperCrane]

5 Stages of Grief:

 

1. Denial and Isolation
   
2. Anger
   
3. Bargaining
   
4. Depression
   
5. Acceptance
   

 

You will go through all of these. Probably multiple times and may even flip flop.

 

Your goal is to get to #5 and stay there while not spending as much time in 1 through 4. The other goal is to try and skip #3.

 

It's okay to feel what you are right now. You're in denial that someone whom you thought you loved and loved you back could act that way. The truth is, they're a whole other person and they can change on a dime. That's okay too, and you can't blame yourself for someone elses actions.

 

Go ahead and be angry. In fact, get mad as hell. You can vent so much of this pain through properly managed anger. Use to fuel workouts. Use it to propel yourself through the day and to feed your pride that this won't keep you beaten down.

 

Do not under any circumstances start to think "If I only...". Those will lead to closed doors you may try to open with her and her family again. Those doors will only open to a very short hallway filled entirely with pain and you'll be at square one all over again.

 

You'll go through depressive patches. A lot of it has to do with what your mind is going to expect rather than what it gets from reality. You expect that person to be there or have that comfort. When reality is the opposite of all these things you're expecting, you're going to feel rather ****ing sad. That's fine too. It will get better, trust me.

 

After all this. Multiple times. You'll wake up one day and simply not give a ****. Hell, you may even walk down the road one day or be at the mall and you may even see her. When you do, you'll be surprised at how many ****s you simply do not give. And you will be happy for it.

 

I've been in your shoes and it was like I was dying. I wanted to rip the walls down and scream until my lungs exploded. I wanted to offer anything to her to take me back. I stopped talking to my friends and I felt like crap on most days. One day I looked at it all, like I was watching myself do these things and I asked myself: "What kind of man have you become, that you'd let this girl who doesn't even know what she wants do this to you? How can you allow it?"

 

So then I went out and proved I was better than that.

 

If you can, avoid rebounding into a relationship, it'll stunt your ever so important healing from this. More girls right now are not the answer to the problem caused by one.

 

Take care.

[Draper]

Yeah definitely swinging around those stages. Not bargaining though, as I do believe I did everything I could. The only thing I sometimes think I could have done differently is not complain about the lack of sex, but sex is an important part of a relationship and if me asking why we don't have it is so frustrating for her then whatever.

 

Is it denial to think that sometime in the future she is probably going to come crawling back? I genuinely want to be at the point where I can tell to **** off if she does, but I fear if it happens to soon I will cave. I don't doubt that she did love me. She had big plans to move to a city a couple hours away to live with her friend at one point, but she gave that all up for me. She was the one that initially brought up the idea of living together. I have to believe she will realize who and what she gave up, even if I don't want her to.

 

I also know that even if she did come back, I'll never be able to forgive for reconnecting with that guy anyway. She could come to me tomorrow and say she made a mistake and that nothing happened between them, but to spit in my face like that just a week or so after we broke up - no I will never forget that.

 

I don't have much worry about rebounding. This was only my second girlfriend, in fact I pretty much consider her my first because of how young and stupid I was with the first one. Although I suppose I was just as stupid letting her treat me like dirt in this one.

 

On the bright side, yesterday was day one of NC and today will be day two.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You probably never had anything real to begin with. I was in the same boat - the depression and meds part. This is what I learned from my post break up analysis: actions speak louder than words & someone in love with you, only has eyes for you.

 

 

I bet if you objectively analyze your relationship, you will see plenty of signs of it not being a healthy relationship & it has nothing to do with the depression meds. My guess is she fell out of love with you very fast or never really was in love to begin with. Your & my mistake was staying after being cheated on. I will never let that happen to me again.

[Draper]

You probably never had anything real to begin with. I was in the same boat - the depression and meds part. This is what I learned from my post break up analysis: actions speak louder than words & someone in love with you, only has eyes for you.

 

 

I bet if you objectively analyze your relationship, you will see plenty of signs of it not being a healthy relationship & it has nothing to do with the depression meds. My guess is she fell out of love with you very fast or never really was in love to begin with. Your & my mistake was staying after being cheated on. I will never let that happen to me again.

 

I don't know. There's signs that it wasn't healthy and that it was, both before and after the cheating thing. She was just all over the place. The meds/depression could of contributed to it but at the end of the day I think the main cause was her immaturity. Regardless, I realize it was bull**** and I never should have put up with it.

 

We say we'll never let it happen again but it's harder to do it. Hell, I told myself that once before but when it comes down to it takes a damn strong man to walk out the door when you love someone.

[Draper]

On a better note, I'm feeling alright today. I miss a lot of things and I still find myself wondering what the hells going on and asking myself a lot of questions but I don't really have any desire to speak to her. I'm focusing on becoming content with the fact that SHE threw it out the window, and it's not my job to go pick it up.

 

My parents decided they're going to come down (I live an hour or so away) and take me out to dinner. I haven't talked to them about whats going on, but I assume they have pieced things together. I'm hoping they don't ask questions but they probably will, and it will be hard for me to hold it together.

 

Just gotta keep my NC going. My first real test will be my birthday next week if she sends me a message. I'm starting to feel pretty pathetic about allowing someone to make me feel the way I do.

[Oregon_Dude]

I'm starting to feel pretty pathetic about allowing someone to make me feel the way I do.

This isn't helpful or productive. It's negative self-talk. You're going to feel how you feel. It's fine to feel those things. What's NOT OK, though, is to start feeling ashamed of how you feel.

 

All of these emotions are 100% normal and in fact, there'd be something wrong with you if you DIDN'T have them.

[Draper]

This isn't helpful or productive. It's negative self-talk. You're going to feel how you feel. It's fine to feel those things. What's NOT OK, though, is to start feeling ashamed of how you feel.

 

All of these emotions are 100% normal and in fact, there'd be something wrong with you if you DIDN'T have them.

 

Thank you. Everyone has been helpful here but you and PaperCrane in particular have given me a lot of strength and hope.

 

I'm so glad I found this place. Not just for the help you have all given me, but trying to give my help to others is not only distracting but also somewhat fulfilling.