Gone in an instant

[greenleaves54]

Reading your thread was very helpful to me, Draper, since I'm in a similar situation right now.

 

My ex (who's younger than me) broke up quite suddenly as well, wanting to "explore life" and I suspect she's now dating someone else. She also expressed how much she loved me just a couple of days before breaking up. It's interesting how a person can be hyped for marriage, children etc. one month and the next they panic about "missing out on life". I guess the "honeymoon-chemicals" in their bodies started to wear off.

 

I'll manage though. It's their loss. We have to accept that girls in their early 20's usually aren't ready for a truly serious relationship. They have some growing up to do first.

 

The only tip I can give you is to make sure there isn't any way possible for you to get any updates on her life. I didn't block all social media at first and I can tell you it's a 100% negative experience. They moved on. We should as well!

 

We're in this together

[Draper]

I'm glad it helped somehow

 

It is their loss, and im sure sometime they will look back on this time and regret running away. It still bothers me a lot to think she could be with someone else, despite all the things she said about seeing a future and just wanting to be alone, etc. She's free to do as she pleases but it sucks when you feel like everything you know is a lie.

 

Yes - I deleted her. We're hurting now but we know that at the end of the day it will be them hurting.

[Draper]

Well, I'm feeling fairly good today. Which is a good thing, as it is my birthday. Had a pretty average day, and plan on going to the bar to celebrate tonight.

 

I keep asking myself if she's going to send me a message or something.. she hasn't up until now. Perhaps she noticed I deleted her on FB, which would likely piss her off. Her family wished me a happy birthday, her sister said "Happy Birthday, we miss you :(". SO yeah, I thought she might send me something, doesn't look like it's happening. Wasn't planning on replying anyways.

 

I wonder if she has any idea how much it hurt me to see pictures of her and this guy up already. Do you think she cares about how that made me feel? I know it's not worth wondering these things but honestly I'm not upset about it right now. Actually, I'm sitting in class (loveshack > poli sci) as I write this and I have this sense of calm that I don't think I've felt since it all went down.

 

I've re-read this entire thread countless times. It helps a lot. Thanks everyone. I love her, I miss her, and yeah, I wish things were different - but, thanks to you guys, I can see with a fair amount of clarity that 1) The way she treated me was not 'OK' and 2) I'm not going to let my life slide into free-fall just because a girl couldn't appreciate the time we spent together. I'm better than that.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Draper

[Draper]

Well, never ended up with any message from her.. I guess thats how much she cares...

 

I guess I was holding onto a last shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, she gave a ****. I don't even know what I think of her anymore. She was dishonest with me, she played me for a fool, I feel like she used me, and then she just takes off. I mean what kind of person can do that? One kind of person can lie to the face of someone that they claim they love?

 

I mean, ****, what kind of society do we live in? I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I'm not sure who she is. I'm not sure how she can be so cold towards me. I've been nothing but good to her, and I'm not just saying that. The one thing she can say against me is that I complained about the lack of sex - but who isn't going to complain when their girlfriend wants them to sleep beside her everynight, just not have sex.. for like 3-4 weeks... yeah.

 

I'm pretty wasted right now and I miss the **** out of her. I miss the **** out of her house, her family, her car, everything. I wish to god I was with her right now. I'm not, however, and the chances of me ever being with any of those things again are slim to none. I just wish I could walk away and not look back, but I always look back..

Edited September 24, 2015 by Draper

[bluefeather]

You gotta stop asking those questions because you're not gonna get the answers. If someone has mental issues, you can't always look for logic in their actions. It sucks but it's true and I say that from experience. I'm not gonna say this to give you hope, but I will tell you that if you pick yourself up and seriously get over her, she might actually come back around to you. Think about that for a while. That actually happened with me very recently. But I am not biting on that bait anymore. And if I decided to, it will be on my terms, out of free choice, not out of desperation.

[Tobin]

I'm pretty wasted right now and I miss the **** out of her.

 

You really need to stay sober. Whether it's drugs or booze, it's never a good time to get "wasted"- everything in moderation, but especially now when you are in an emotional crisis.

 

Whatever it is that you're taking in an attempt to dull your emotions, get rid of it. It's not the way to handle it, and as you may have already figured out, it magnifies the problems, and makes it more difficult to cope, both mentally and physically.

 

One of the problems is that she left the door open a bit by saying that "it's not forever". You must realize that she said that only to dampen the blow.

 

She's not coming back. The sooner you realize this and the sooner you start focusing your thoughts on things other than her, the better off you're going to be.

[Draper]

Thanks blue and I'm sorry for asking the same questions, I just can't understand why she would go to this guy

 

It's hard to forget you know? I just have this constant feeling as if I wasn't enough. I don't know what to do

Edited September 25, 2015 by Draper

[Draper]

Actually, I could really use someone to talk me out of texting her and asking if she's ready to admit she left me for this guy ....

[Oregon_Dude]

Do what you want, dude. As long as you look to her for answers, you fail. She'd feed you a load of sh*t, anyway.

 

Do you really think she has any idea what she's doing, or knows what is good or bad? Get your head around this: she's flying by the seat of her pants. You are BETTER than her.

 

Edit: although if you keep playing HER game (wondering, obsessing), then you are NO better than her.

 

Let the ones that want to go, GO.

[Draper]

I know you're right, Oregon. I got bombed tonight, hit the pub to get my mind of things. It was a good time and I'm glad to have hung out with some buddies for a change. I guess it just hit me on the walk home. Someone had said to me earlier in the night "So I take it your not with ____ anymore, I seen some pics of her and _______ on FB". That was tough, and thats what led me to make the above posts.

 

I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to tell myself I'm better than this, but the feeling that you weren't enough is hard to overcome I'm trying to think about this rationally, and while I know I did everything I could to be the best boyfriend out there, I have this weird feeling of un-appreciation and sadness. I'll be OK.

[PaperCrane]

You will never be enough for the person who is not right for you.

[Draper]

I suppose it doesn't seem like anyone will ever be enough for her in her current state. The buddy who brought the FB pictures up to me last night said 'Well, at least you're normal cause he definitely isn't' (referring to the other guy). I guess that made me a feel a bit better, lol.

 

It's a strange feeling, I picture this life we had and we were building with the two of us and with her family and I think of someone else doing that instead of me. It's pretty devastating to feel like someone else is living your life, but realistically I know that life is only full of problems that now belong to him.

 

Thanks guys, and sorry for losing my cool last night - went off the deep end a little bit.

[sbk24]

Hi Draper,

 

I swear that we have the same problems at the same time. I had a bit of bad one too, but you just have tell your friends that you just do not want to hear anything about the ex. If they are true friends they will understand.

[virgo83]

Hi Draper,

 

I'm going through some **** myself but if there's one thing I learnt over the past year, it's that only you can make yourself feel better.

 

I suggest cutting down on alcohol for a while or keep it to special happy occasions.

 

The best remedy for me was to exercise. It somehow helps to take away the negative thoughts.

 

If you need to talk when you're feeling down, we'll be right here.

[Draper]

Ahh **** man sorry to hear something similar happened to you

 

It's kind of strange how similar our stories have been and how often things have happened at the same time. That's good though, we're in this together.

[Draper]

Hi Draper,

 

I'm going through some **** myself but if there's one thing I learnt over the past year, it's that only you can make yourself feel better.

 

I suggest cutting down on alcohol for a while or keep it to special happy occasions.

 

The best remedy for me was to exercise. It somehow helps to take away the negative thoughts.

 

If you need to talk when you're feeling down, we'll be right here.

 

Thanks Virgo, I hope everything works out for you, whatever it may be. One thing she said to me that actually makes a bit of sense to me is 'How can I expect you to love me when I can't even love myself' - I think the same can be applied to me. Love with someone else has to begin with loving yourself, not depending entirely on the other person which is the way I was.

 

I know it's not a good coping mechanism but going to the bar is distracting, but yeah I don't want to end up screwing up or breaking NC because I'm drinking so I ought to be careful. I was really messed up last night. On a good note, I just applied online for a 14-day trial membership at the gym. My friend has been going for a couple years so he's going to show me the ropes.

 

I will be feeling down, and i'll come here. There's so many great responses in this thread, I find going back and reading them sometimes helps. Thanks again.

[virgo83]

Thanks Virgo, I hope everything works out for you, whatever it may be. One thing she said to me that actually makes a bit of sense to me is 'How can I expect you to love me when I can't even love myself' - I think the same can be applied to me. Love with someone else has to begin with loving yourself, not depending entirely on the other person which is the way I was.

 

I know it's not a good coping mechanism but going to the bar is distracting, but yeah I don't want to end up screwing up or breaking NC because I'm drinking so I ought to be careful. I was really messed up last night. On a good note, I just applied online for a 14-day trial membership at the gym. My friend has been going for a couple years so he's going to show me the ropes.

 

I will be feeling down, and i'll come here. There's so many great responses in this thread, I find going back and reading them sometimes helps. Thanks again.

 

That's great. I actually bought a squat rack at home. Been using it on and off lately but I'm planning to get back to it regularly now. I was actually reading your post while resting.

[Draper]

Good man. People like you that turn the awful times in life into something positive give me hope. Good luck

[BriNyc82]

Yeah I've been trying to accept the fact that I'll never fully understand whats happening. There's loads of stories out about people being put on these medications, pushing people they love away, and then they get off them and realize they screwed up. Will it happen in my case? Who knows.

 

I have a feeling that after a bit of NC, I won't have any desire to return to the relationship anyways. It's weird I can see that the best thing for me is to leave her behind, but I'm stuck with such a profound sadness that she's no longer in my life. On top of that, I've always been insecure about other guys and **** and now I imagining her seeing someone else is eating away at me.

 

Medication or no medication, it doesn't excuse her from her behavior. Don't let that be an excuse. She led you on and blindsided you. Chances are she probably felt this way the entire time. I'm sorry. You don't want to hear that but it's probably the case. It sucks but it sounds like you are a really great bf and you will no doubt meet someone deserving of you. the pain you are feeling is insurmountable. Physiologically and mentally. But the good news is it does get better In time (ugh I know). I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

[ty10]

Hey Draper, I've read this forum over the last few months to help with my BU and there are staggering similarities in both of our stories - sadly the only outcome for both of us is hurt and rebuilding.

 

What helped me through my darker times was an older female friend who quite simply told me some hard truths with her experiences. She had been the girl who was left by a guy for someone else who was just a friend and she had left a guy who in her words was perfect but she didn't want to settle down at 23.

 

Quite simply the girl you were seeing was far too immature for a serious relationship. GIGS as some call it.

 

The thing that made me realise my self-worth and helped me get back on my feet was not over-analysing the relationship as a whole, and boy did I do that a lot, but was looking at aspects of the relationship that I wasn't 100% comfortable with.

 

Mine were...

 

The girl I fell for, like yours, was never eager in bed - a key aspect for any realtionship IMO. The ex who supposedly used her and cheated on her was still her 'friend' something that I wasn't comfortable with (and I think it was no coincidence he was back in the country 2 weeks after we broke up). She never put pictures of us up together, rather activities we did. She always had an excuse when we were supposed to meet each others friends, again something of a red flag I missed because I was so smitten. Most notably of all her best friend from university said she didn't do relationships but i was 'different'.

 

Actions speak louder than words and my ex's actions like yours don't warrant us giving them time or attention - I suggest you look at what was lacking from your relationship with your ex and focus on that because I suspect, just like me, the next girl will have those qualities.

[greenleaves54]

Yeah, like "Oregon dude" said, you have to understand that she has no idea what she's doing. She's just following her emotions.

 

She's doing what every girl in their 20-24s are doing when they've been in a 1-5 year relationship: panicking. Very few people are enough sure of themselves and willing to do the hard work of building a serious relationship in that age after a couple of years into it, when the chemicals of love in their brains begin to disappear. Building a true relationship is no easy thing. It takes work. If you're in your early 20s there are countless of boys who shows interest, interesting educations, exciting travels and other opportunites everywhere. You have to be 2000% sure of your relationship to risk skipping everything else in life. The fact that most people aren't ready for that is actually very understandable. Just by reading your thread here it's easy to see how many people are going through the same situation right now!

 

I've accepted this. That establishing a true relationship in your early 20s is almost impossible. I also realized that while I'm 26 years old there are still many things I'd like to explore in life before settling down. I will be doing a lot of studying and travelling in the years to come. It will be pretty good to do that as a single man!

 

So it's not about you not being enough of a boyfriend! You probably were the greatest boyfriend! I was a great boyfriend too, I know that! But the timing for you two was wrong. She will probably panic again, and again. Panic over her new relationship, panic over getting used by some guy, panic over breaking up with you, etc. But when we dumpees are done grieving we will be ready to move on and face the world with lots of new useful experience in the bag. Our exes need to go through this phase, or it will come back to us at a later time and then it will be worse. So in a way I'm thankful that my ex broke up with me now when I'm 26 instead of when I'm 30, because I doubt I would have had the balls to break up myself.

 

Sometimes I feel like us dumpees really got the better end of the deal. We learned so much about girls, relationships and ourselves. We get a golden opportunity to focus on the awesome person that is ourselves. When love comes around the corner next time we'll be ready. Our exes however will probably face a lot more confusing thoughts of what to do and who they want to be with, if they've done the right choices etc.

 

These are my conclusions two weeks after getting dumped anyway The inital feelings of shock, sadness and that feeling of emptiness in the stomach are getting lesser every day. Keep up the good work mate! The future is bright!

Edited September 26, 2015 by greenleaves54

[bluefeather]

greenleaves, what you said is so true. that is kind of where I am too, feeling overall very good about myself. that's a really interesting idea you have about the dumpees getting perhaps a better perspective than the dumpers.

[Draper]

Thanks guys, I've been feeling a lot better over the past couple days. I've been at the gym the past two days and I'm really trying to focus on coming out of this a better person. Am I still pissed that she lied and stuff? Yeah, I hate when my trust for people is broken, because frankly I don't trust many people.

 

Anyways, I know that I did everything I could as her boyfriend. I put everything I possibly could into our relationship. In a way, as I start to let it all go, I almost feel bad for her because I know her, and you're right - she'll panic. She'll realize what she gave up and the life she could have had.

 

You're also right that the dumpees learn a lot through this process and the ones that have the strength do so always come out as a better person. Case in point is my last breakup (not this one) - I let this chick string me along for awhile after we weren't together, she wanted me as a friend and an occasional bang when she was bored. This went on for months until one day I woke up and realized what the hell I was doing. In fact, since that day, I haven't spoken a word to that ex to this day. My point is that I knew I couldn't let that happen again this time around, and that's why I'm proudly at 12 days NC

Edited September 27, 2015 by Draper

[sbk24]

Hi Draper,

 

How have you been getting on today?

[Draper]

Heya sbk,

 

I'm doing pretty good today - just another day really. I miss a lot of the small things, but I know I'll find someone else to do those things with when the time is right. For now it's all about me and the finer things in life.

 

How about you?