Gone in an instant

[Draper]

****, I just had dinner with my folks. Nobody brought anything up but it was hard. The last time I saw my parents I was with my ex on vacation in Toronto. That was about 2-3 weeks ago now. Christ.

 

How can she go from what seemed like happiness when we were on that trip to this.. I'm getting consumed right now by thoughts of her hanging out with this other guy and ****. I don't who she is, or what she's become but this isn't the girl I fell for. This isn't the girl I had a crush on for years. No, she's become cold and honestly a part of me worries for her but right now I'm really angry, and feeling pretty down.

 

Seems like that sadness is kind of slipping back. It's the questions that are driving me crazy. The wondering. Going to try to get my mind off it before I drive myself mad.

 

Anyone who can look someone in the eyes and say they love you, tell you to your face that the breakup isn't forever and that there is a future for us, and then go run off with some dude deserves a VIP reserved table in hell as far as I'm concerned.

[Nolan 93]

Hey draper, I have been in your shoes, and it's hell in the beginning and it sucks.

You are askin how can she lie about love and just leave? Beacuse she never loved you that's how, I thought mine did and she dumped me for ex. Looking back I saw a lot of red flags but I loved her, but she didn't love me back the way I wanted. Honestly now that's fine beacuse I moved on, and so will you.

 

It's been practically 12 months since we broke up and man that tells you how much she loved me lol. People are right you will find someone who will do more than your last ex. I found one and man does she do more stuff for me than mu last ex and I never ask for much. Do I miss my ex yes, but I have a new gf and she treats me right and would I go back to my ex who left me? No beacuse there's nothing to go back to

 

What I did for a few months was hit the gym hard

, worked a lot of hours and got tatted. Just stay busy and keep NC, the pain slowly fades. Who knew it would be 12months already in NC, have to stay busy.

[Draper]

Yeah you're probably right. I guess part of my worry is it took me so long to find a girl to be with. I'm not hugely social so I've never really met a lot of girls. My first relationship was when I was really young (grade 9/10), I hardly even count that because I was just young and stupid. First serious relationship was this one that just ended. I worry I won't find someone else. It seemed like fate brought us together - it just came out of nowhere.

 

I was fine by myself before I met her. I just did my thing and I was perfectly happy. But now that I've felt the love and become so attached to this girl, I'm scared to be on my own. I'm terrified thinking of her with someone else honestly.

[bluefeather]

Yeah you're probably right. I guess part of my worry is it took me so long to find a girl to be with. I'm not hugely social so I've never really met a lot of girls. My first relationship was when I was really young (grade 9/10), I hardly even count that because I was just young and stupid. First serious relationship was this one that just ended. I worry I won't find someone else. It seemed like fate brought us together - it just came out of nowhere.

 

I was fine by myself before I met her. I just did my thing and I was perfectly happy. But now that I've felt the love and become so attached to this girl, I'm scared to be on my own. I'm terrified thinking of her with someone else honestly.

 

These sound like personal issues. But that is a good thing. By that, I mean that many of these issues you listed, sound like problems that you have the power to improve.

 

Fear of being alone. Insecurity. Maybe even some low self-esteem. You have been able to pinpoint the areas where you can improve. You may not realize this, but you are intelligent to have been able to find these. Many people cannot even get this far!

 

You say it seems fate brought you together. I might still agree. Everything for a reason. When I found this one girl, I thought she was a gift from God. And I mean that literally. There was a night I broke out in tears, fell to my knees, and privately thanked God for sending her to me. That was how strongly I felt for this girl. Several months down the line, she left me and immediately jumped into an other relationship with someone else. Now how about them apples?!

 

It hurt a freaking BUTT load. However, shall I blame God? No! Nor shall I go back on my belief that she was, indeed, a gift from God. Although I will admit, she might not have been the exact gift that I thought, lol... What have I to learn from this experience? That is my question. I will not let pain of betrayal consume my thoughts and emotions. I will use this opportunity to become a better person.

 

She was sent to me to pick me up from a bad time in my life, to show me how to have true... unconditional love for an other. For even though she hurt me, I will bless her. And finally, she was sent to me to allow me to see faults of my own to improve. And these faults are like yours: Fear of being alone. Insecurity. And maybe even some low self-esteem. =)

 

I will not say that this is an easy process. But I have enough trust in life to know that I am becoming a better person throughout it. And, to quote an awesome poet, "that has made all the difference."

[Draper]

Yeah, throughout this whole thing I've become increasingly well aware of my own vices. Definitely have issues with trust and insecurities about myself.

 

The way you felt about that girl being a gift from god is pretty much how I felt. After being alone for so long, all of the sudden she was there. I became so dependant on her. I didn't have many close friends, I didn't go out much. All I wanted was to be with her. She just made me feel loved and at the end of the day I think that's what I'm most scared of losing.

 

It definitely hurts a lot. More than anything I've ever felt. See someone leave when you know you treated them right, ****.

 

While we're sharing quotes, here's one I rather like:

 

"If you don't let your past die, your past will never let you live"

[bluefeather]

My advice to you is to not close yourself up. Do not be afraid. This kind of betrayal... I will say this: it is not the first time I have had my heart broken. Yet still, I will point to the stars and say, "My angel is waiting for me." Any person who I am in a relationship with and has struck me down has only helped me to raise my standards. The next woman I find will be better in so many ways, and she who finds me will have such a better man than I was before, so help me Goddess.

[Draper]

Thank you, you sound like a good man. I know I deserve better. I know I'll become a better person at the end of it, it's just going to be a hell of a time getting there.

[lwalter]

Most of us has gone trough something like this. It is heartbreaking. I suggest that you ACCEPT what has happened and ALLOW yourself to be sad. Be home in your room for a week if you need to. Then you have to keep going with your life. Everything is going to be just fine.

[Draper]

Thanks walt. I've basically been by myself in my apartment since it happened. I just have to get used to everything all over again. Last year I'd finish class for the day, get in my car and drive to see my love. I have to adjust to the fact that now I finish class and go home to an empty apartment.

 

It sucks. I was fine being alone for so long before this and then she enters the picture, and everything is great. I was happier, I had more ambition, and I felt like the bond we had would never be broken. Now it's gone and I feel a thousand times worse than I did before her. And for what, 6 months? I'll always cherish the time we had together but her throwing it away so easily makes it seem like a real ****ing waste.

[Oregon_Dude]

And for what, 6 months? I'll always cherish the time we had together but her throwing it away so easily makes it seem like a real ****ing waste.

Would you rather have had the r/s, or not?

 

I will always choose the former. Pain and all. Because life is all about sharing fun times with others. Love is a huge part of that.

 

Be grateful for the time you had. Not sad that it's over. Many people NEVER have fun r/s's. We are the lucky ones.

[bluefeather]

You're not alone, Draper. We're all here and many have been on similar boats (myself included). I suggest reaching out to people. Go out and try to make some friends. Hang out around people. Sometimes I put my headphones on and just take walks. I can be pretty anti-social, but even observing people from a distance can help me. Treat yourself to something nice. If you are going to isolate yourself (too much can be unhealthy - being outside occasionally is good for you), use that time alone to improve yourself in various ways of mind and body. If you are spiritual, talk with God. If you are not, might be helpful to consider it.

[madde]

Hello, Draper! I deeply understand what you are going through now. It is hard and for some time it won't be easy. But don't give and keep going step by step, day by day. Next week is your birthday and so is mine - I hope it will be wonderful despite everything that is now in your heart. My relationship also was 6 months long, and this experience is one of the hardest in my life, so I give you advice - don't look at the terms, keep going forward on your terms and you will go through this hard experience and be better person. For me it is 2 months after breakup - there is hard days, but better days are more and more. Yes, maybe it was short relationships, but you gave your heart and it is all that matters. It hurts because it mattered. It shows that you are person with open heart and with ability to trust someone. Best wishes to you!

[Draper]

In time, maybe I will be able to be grateful for what we had - but it's pretty hard at this stage. I've got a bit of anger going on and feels like being grateful for the time i had means im grateful for being tossed to the curb. Maybe that sounds cynical but it's just hard to look back at myself being so happy when I now feel like the person I shared it with wasn't the person I thought she was all along.

 

I try to focus on myself and growing stronger but it's horrible knowing she's out there doing whatever, and probably hasn't thought of me since she walked out. It will fade in time but for now my mind if pretty broken.

 

Thanks for the wishes madde, you have a great birthday too! I agree, despite it only being six months, I was so invested in it emotionally. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I gave her everything I could possibly give her out of myself, my 100%.

[Draper]

God I just wish I could understand what was going on. I wish I knew what she was thinking. Why did she come on this trip with my family and make great memories and let me buy her **** if she was going to walk out the door?

 

I never thought she was that bad of a person.. And then when she does dump me says over and over that it's just for now and that it's not going to be forever, and that she sees a future with me but wants to work on her depression. Then she ignores me for like a week.. the next time we talked she said she had my stuff packed if i wanted to get it. Then she ignores me for awhile again, until I saw that facebook post and called her on it. What an awful feeling going from thinking your ex is working on her depression to thinking she's already seeing someone else.

 

I just feel betrayed. Like the title says, it happened in an instant. Literally one night on that vacation she puts her hand on mine and says she loves me. Next thing I know, it's over. And all she basically has to say is 'you deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better than this'. Well obviously but why the **** would admit it.

 

If you couldn't tell, I got a bit worked up here. I was good most of the day but I'm feeling really ****ty now. Gonna try to distract myself.

[justsounsure]

It's terrifying to be facing this alone. This morning in that restaurant was the first time I've ever experienced something like what I can only assume was a panic attack. I literally had to get from my seat, go to the bathroom and vomited, I could barely breath. When I calmed down and look in the mirror, all I could think was how the hell did you let her do this to you.

 

I'm so so sorry. It definitely was a panic attack. I remember the first time I had that feeling, the first time someone I was in love with totally betrayed (first of many, unfortunately ... lots of sh*tty people out there). Every system in me let loose. I vomited, I had an unexpected bowel movement ... I didn't even know what was happening (and I'd HAD panic attacks ... hell, in high school I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder ... I had Xanax, knew how to stop them, the whole 9 yards). But nothing would stop this level of attack. It was an all out system attack. Totally crazy. Took me a good 4 months to recover from just that moment.

 

That feeling has happened to me again a few times since, but each time the feeling is weaker; doesn't hit as hard. I'm unsure if I'm partially numb now, or have just come to expect it. I have found that every single time I have felt that, in hindsight, my body was telling me DANGER. GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON. Each time, my body was spot on. The feeling happened twice over the course of 3 years with one partner, and that person didn't care one bit about me, come to find out. Happened again twice with another; same type of personality. Very narcissistic partners I had. I have had ex's that have hurt me, but when it comes to the feeling of complete betrayal (that sudden vomit feeling), man do I believe that is your intuition telling you to run. And don't think if you run, that person will be happily ever after without you. I find any person that is capable of doing something that induces that sudden vomit feeling, is not someone that is going to be good for ANYONE.

[justsounsure]

Thank you, you sound like a good man. I know I deserve better. I know I'll become a better person at the end of it, it's just going to be a hell of a time getting there.

 

It will be. We are here for you.

[Draper]

Thanks for the reply, I'm glad to find someone that can relate to the whole panic attack. Definitely a first for me and it was an awful experience. I definitely agree with you, I think it's your body trying to tell you - hey, no matter how much you love them what they did was unforgivable.

 

I don't think she'll live happily ever after. I think she'll grow up a bit and get the help she needs with her depression and realize what she walked out on. Hell, her family even told me they'd do anything to change her mind. I have no doubt she'll come to regret this.

 

Thanks again

[justsounsure]

God I just wish I could understand what was going on. I wish I knew what she was thinking. Why did she come on this trip with my family and make great memories and let me buy her **** if she was going to walk out the door?

 

I never thought she was that bad of a person.. And then when she does dump me says over and over that it's just for now and that it's not going to be forever, and that she sees a future with me but wants to work on her depression. Then she ignores me for like a week.. the next time we talked she said she had my stuff packed if i wanted to get it. Then she ignores me for awhile again, until I saw that facebook post and called her on it. What an awful feeling going from thinking your ex is working on her depression to thinking she's already seeing someone else.

 

I just feel betrayed. Like the title says, it happened in an instant. Literally one night on that vacation she puts her hand on mine and says she loves me. Next thing I know, it's over. And all she basically has to say is 'you deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better than this'. Well obviously but why the **** would admit it.

 

If you couldn't tell, I got a bit worked up here. I was good most of the day but I'm feeling really ****ty now. Gonna try to distract myself.

 

I'm here for you tonight. Your story makes me think of not my recent ex, but the one before that. She really put me through the ringer for 2 years, but it all started 6 months in, when she told me "it just isn't there" with us. But then she proceeded to tell me how much she loved me and to stay with her. It was insane. About 18 months in, I initiated the 2nd break up (there were 3), and she completely agreed. She said we would be together, she was sure of it, just needed that time to "find herself". I was shocked to learn that "finding herself" meant going on a date within a week, and within 3 weeks, I caught her at a bar making out with someone. I also got "you deserve so much better". I really can't stand that line. Who would say that? I sure wouldn't. I'd be like "you WISH you deserved me!" But, then again, that line in itself might better explain the type of personality you are dealing with. Would you honestly say that to anyone, no matter what the circumstance? I always think about that, and what kind of lost soul someone must be, to tell others they deserve better than them. So crazy.

 

Also, don't be jealous that my relationship continued after that first 6 month break up (I know you are, because I was always jealous hearing posters say that they got their ex back, etc). No no. No jealousy needed. All I "won" was 18 more months of roller coaster, culminating in me proposing, her saying yes, and 8 days after that, she left one day and I never saw her again. True story.

Edited September 19, 2015 by justsounsure

[Draper]

No jealousy here. Honestly I have a hard time believing she won't try come back at some point, but I won't be sitting around hoping or waiting for her to. Further, I know I'd never be able to fully come to terms with or accept what she's done if she did come back. I hope to be at the point where it doesn't even phase me, if it does happen.

 

But yeah that deserving line.. **** that. 'You deserve to be treated a hell of a lot better than this, but instead of treating you the way you deserve I'm going abandon you.' Thats the line that makes me the most angry. The second worst on is 'i see you a future with you, i mean that', since clearly she didn't.

[Draper]

I'm actually feeling better today. It was ****ty when I woke up this morning, but after that it's been okay. Things have been slipping into mind but I've been doing a decent job of removing them, or remembering that I was treated poorly and she's not worth being upset over. Although I still get pretty shook by the though she might be with another guy.

 

Today is day 5 of NC and I have no desire to speak to her, no desire to see her. I think I'm going to head out in a bit and grab a new pair of running shoes, then go for a run. Next week I'll start at the gym and celebrate my birthday by getting smashed at wing night. Without her.

Edited September 19, 2015 by Draper

[bluefeather]

"You deserve someone better." I've been told that at least twice. You know what though, I gotta believe them lol... At least in that point, they are honest. When different people say this at different times, well there might actually be some truth to it. If someone says that to me again, next time I'm just gonna be like, "Oh snap, you're right. Thanks for wake-up call!"

 

Seriously, it sounds like they value themselves so little, that they put people on these really high pedestals and feel guilty for being such ****ty people. Even if it went an other way like, "you deserve someone much better than me, but I'm gonna try to stick around," it sounds like a setup for disaster because no matter how you are with them, they will never see themselves as good as you see them.

 

Sometimes, "It's not you, it's me" is a line people say to let others down easily, but in cases like this, it sounds so true. It is some deep-rooted problem that they have with themselves. You can tell a person, "I love you" from now until forever, but if they don't love their self, they will not be able to receive it properly, nor will they be able to give it. Anything that comes out will be a corrupted version.

[Draper]

I think you hit the nail right on the head there. I don't know, I think she's got some insecurities and issues with self-esteem on top of her depression and whatever else. She said things that proved that like 'How can I expect you to love me when i can't even love myself'.

 

The day we met up and officially ended it she used the it's not you, it's me on me. She said it had nothing to do with me, and that I treated her like gold. At least I know she was right about that part. It's so confusing though because if all this were true, why would she be talking/hanging out with this other guy... I guess that's where the corrupted version comes in?

 

I feel ****ty about the fact that she does have legitimate mental illnesses, but at the same time it's not an excuse to wake up one morning, walk out on the person that cares about you most, and start talking to some dude immediately.

[edgygirl]

Draper, I haven't read all the posts, but let me ask you. Is she in her 20s?

 

I did that to my most important ex at that age. In Loveshack they call it "Grass Is Greener Syndromme". Look it up. I don't know what is it about girls after college, but sometimes we have the perfect guy there (and you seem to be an awesome guy) and we start to take it for granted, feel suffocated and look around and think there might be something better out there... It's idiotic and irrational and to this day I still regret doing it to my college sweetheart. I wish my adult self could go back and fix the immature things I did back then.

 

I hope you find some peace, and I am so sorry this is happening to you and that we girls can be so idiotic sometimes. Believe me, there's a huge chance she will one day regret losing you and being so stupid. But it will be too late cause a good guy like you is hard to find and you're going to be snatched quickly

[Draper]

Yup, she's 20. I think grass is greener definitely played a part, it's hard to understand though because she was (or seemed to be) just as excited about our future as I was. I know it doesn't mean much, but she'd often go on about how I'd finish school, we'd settle down and get married. Hell, I once mentioned her moving in with me in a casual half-joking kind of way. A couple weeks later she asks if I meant it and then tells me how ready she is to be serious with me.

 

That was all just a couple months ago. I suspect 'being serious' started to scare her and then GIGS kicked in. It sucks, but thank you for kind words. I have to believe that if she was so ready to be serious with me, the day will come where she regrets this. I don't know about being snatched up quickly though

[edgygirl]

I was her I am ashamed to say. In one hand, I was sincere, I looked at him and did see a future. In the other hand, as I said above I started to take him for granted and feel suffocated. I also thought I was too young and perhaps should be experiencing other things and other people before making such a commitment. As a side note, I also always struggled a bit with depression.

 

Unless she is lucky to find a good guy like you again, she will regret it. I don't think I found someone as good and dedicated as my college sweetheart. I wish I had stayed with him. The sad part is you only realize these things when you are older and been through enough shyte.

 

If you manage to move on, yes, you will be snatched, believe me.

 

Maybe I am going against my own kind, and not being very romantic, but I advise younger guys to hold off a bit and try to keep a girl on her toes. Not saying to be playing games, but there's something about being in your 20s and in a serious relationship that feels a little suffocating for many of us. So feeling that the guy won't be there for you if you treat him badly helps maintaining the focus. Seeing your guy has self esteem and won't take bad behavior from you also helps.

 

From what I read, you did everything right, you were a great boyfriend, and treated her well, and she is the one who has demons and issues she has to deal with. Let her do it and for now live your life. If she comes back, it means she learned something. If not, she hasn't yet. And you won't want to be with someone who can leave you in the drop of a hat anyway.

 

Yup, she's 20. I think grass is greener definitely played a part, it's hard to understand though because she was (or seemed to be) just as excited about our future as I was. I know it doesn't mean much, but she'd often go on about how I'd finish school, we'd settle down and get married. Hell, I once mentioned her moving in with me in a casual half-joking kind of way. A couple weeks later she asks if I meant it and then tells me how ready she is to be serious with me.

 

That was all just a couple months ago. I suspect 'being serious' started to scare her and then GIGS kicked in. It sucks, but thank you for kind words. I have to believe that if she was so ready to be serious with me, the day will come where she regrets this. I don't know about being snatched up quickly though