Gone in an instant

[bluefeather]

Thank you for sharing your words, Edgygirl.

[Draper]

That means a lot coming from someone with a good insight into whats going on with her, thank you

 

It's just sad that she threw it all away. I really miss her, despite how angry I am at her. I miss her family too, which sucks.

 

You're right though, I need to live my life. I can't waste it holding onto something that she let go of so easily.

[edgygirl]

You're welcome. Just trying to make sense for you guys going through this, of a thing that just doesn't make sense from the outside.

 

My sis in the other hand got married at that age, she didn't have GIGS and she's almost 50 and super happy. I wish it didn't happen to some of us, it ends up working against us if this serves as consolation.

 

To this day I am not sure why I felt this way. Maybe it has something to do with those of us who are anxiety / depression prone.

 

Thank you for sharing your words, Edgygirl.

[edgygirl]

I mean, I'm giving you my perspective, maybe she had other reasons, but from the looks of it it sounds familiar to me.

 

Let her heal, if you have a chance, show her that you're a good hearted guy who cares - my ex did that throughout the following years and we ended up getting together later again, as he didn't act "crazy", but caring and friendly.

 

I know it hurts Maybe you guys will have a chance again as you're quite young. But she has to value you and realize how great you are first. Let her, give her time. Meanwhile, go out there and meet other people and try to move on - that's the best way to have a chance in the future. Being on your feet again and recovered from the mess.

 

Good luck <3

 

That means a lot coming from someone with a good insight into whats going on with her, thank you

 

It's just sad that she threw it all away. I really miss her, despite how angry I am at her. I miss her family too, which sucks.

 

You're right though, I need to live my life. I can't waste it holding onto something that she let go of so easily.

 

[Draper]

Yeah, it's a really sad that it happens honestly. But if you don't understand it yet, I guess I never will

 

I know there's nothing I can do now but move on. If nothing else, I can at least move on knowing I did everything I possibly could. It hurts a lot but it's getting better everyday, I'm beginning to accept it for what it is and that there has to be a brighter future ahead.

 

Thanks for everything

Edited September 19, 2015 by Draper

[edgygirl]

I think it's something that only therapy can tell you. Some people also think they want a real relationship but have deeper issues going on that they don't even realize that lead to them being unknowingly commitment phobic. It's like when everything is awesome (you guys had a nice trip together, etc), the person suddenly does everything to sabotage the relationship finding excuses that don't make sense.

 

Ah if it was all so easy to understand... loveshack wouldn't be here

 

Yeah, it's a really sad that it happens honestly. But if you don't understand it yet, I guess I never will

 

[Draper]

Yeah that's what it seems like She is going to therapy so maybe she'll come to terms with it.

 

Lol im sure glad loveshack is here, though, you guys have given me a lot of strength through this mess. I'm forever in your debt

[bluefeather]

I don't know you, Draper, but I can say with pretty close certainty, that your're an awesome person. It's not an issue with you. People have problems. It's just a part of life. I have problems of my own too. Mine that I am working on, deal with being scared ****less from being left. I am using the word "left" here instead of "abandoned" in order to show that you are not alone. You are not really abandoned. I believe the word abandoned means to be left completely and utterly alone. You have family. You are not abandoned. And for those who don't have family, if you are here, you have us.

 

You are not abandoned.

 

So back to my "issue." I would put up with the most crappy forms of love just to keep a person by my side. One time someone left me, it didn't make me mad, it like, tore a piece of me out. I fell apart. Do you know how pathetic it feels to literally drop to your knees and beg for someone not to leave? I have been able to realize this issue and have learned so much to be happy with myself. Maybe that was a root of the problem. I was not happy with myself. Maybe I had to seek affection of others in order to validate myself. So I gave affection like crazy. This would make certain people enjoy being around me because I could make them feel like the center of the universe.

 

^That there was a sign of codependency, along with a couple of other issues, I would bet.

 

Fast forward to another relationship. A person I was once with, was so infatuated with me, and I with her. Though one day we had a fight, and she left. I couldn't really make sense of it, but at that time, I was learning to be ok with being alone. This one, I let go with respect. A few days later, she called me back and said that she loved me so much, and wanted me back. That the feeling of "love" (I use quotes because it was a fearful kind of love - the only kind of love that she could feel or express - corrupted) was scaring the crap out of her. She did not know how to react to the emotions that she was experiencing for me, and she ran away. I later came to understand that she feared being left just as I did, but where as my method of dealing with not being left was to keep them there by pleasing them in any way possible, her way of dealing with being left was to leave me before I had a chance to leave her.

 

"I'll hurt you before you hurt me." The sad irony in that relationship is that with my way of coping with that fear, I would have never left her. In a sick way, it would have been a perfect arrangement for her.

 

We are all struggling in this world to deal with ourselves, our personal "demons," while in search of love. It is a world of chaos. Thousands of people kill each other over who's god said what, or who's government. Smoking one particular plant is ok, but another is not. The legality of exchanging money for consensual sex is legal only depending on what piece of ground you are standing on. In my opinion, hardly anybody knows wtf they are doing. The fact that there are actually people out there in successful, loving relationships is amazing.

 

I do not say this to be cynical. The world has enough of that. With the shape our world is in, it shows how great the power of true love really is. For if it can still appear in states of consciousness like this, imagine what awaits humanity when we finally start to figure things out.

 

So basically, what I mean to say is, we're all at least a little bit crazy... But it's ok. I think you're doing fine. It's going to hurt, until it doesn't.

[Draper]

Thanks blue. You're right about abandonment - I do have a family that would be there for me if I let them, but I've always kept feelings to myself. Until I met this girl, of course, I shared everything with her. So I guess the 'abandonment' I'm feeling is that the only person I let in, wanted out.

 

I feel like I can relate to you a lot. I too am the of person that would put up with anything to keep someone by my side, as evidenced by the cheating ****. I know how pathetic it can feel - that's what I felt when I was standing in a restaurant bathroom vomiting at the thought of losing her. And I suppose I often did seek validation because at the end of the day I do have insecurities about being hurt and probably some self esteem issues.

 

The thing is - I think she was that type of person too, seeking validation. Scared to love. When things first got serious with her she said she told me she was terrified of love, but that I was different. She told me she could tell I wasn't any other guy, and she let me in. Looking back, I think she was seeking validation a lot of the time too for the same reasons - insecurities about herself. Unhappy with herself. Maybe that contributed to everything.

 

The world is a mess, and 'love' in today's society isn't what it used to be. With social media and cell phones making it so easy to contact anyone at anytime, it's just not what it used to be. A good portion of people are likely 'cheating' on their partners via their phones without even realizing it. Not necessarily saying that's what happened in either of our cases, merely that societies perception of love and relationships in general has gone the wrong way.

 

I'm trying my best. I miss her and it hurts like hell not having her by my side. Knowing she had it in her to walk out. At the end of all this I know I'll be fine, perhaps even better than before, but I'd still do anything to go back in time to hold her one last time. No matter how angry I get, I still love her. I suppose I always will, in some way, even after I find it in myself to move on. I dreamed about being this girl for years before it happened. Then it came, and then it went.

 

When all is said and done, we're definitely all a bit crazy. Add love on top of that and you're even crazier. People live for love, fight for love, kill for love, and die for love. We can't even measure it but we know it's one of the most powerful things in the world.

[rebel]

Dude, nice to know I'm not the only one that stress vomits after a massive break up with the mrs!

 

These relationship things are tough. I kinda had a similar situation... Head over heels in love for a year, then in ends kinda out of the blue and she doesn't want anything serious. Some girls at that age, just don't. Some people need to be alone at different stages in their lives and perhaps she does right now (bit ****ty that she hooked up with another dude though...)

 

I see that you are going to the gym, thats awesome. Plan on doing any travel? The best thing you can do after going through something like that is to do loads and loads of different things that you werent doing when you were with that person. It helps you to subconciously move on as you brain experiences other changes in your life.

 

I taught english for a year overseas and it was fantastic. Just do lots of different thngs, keep NC and who knows... Your paths may cross in several year when she has matured, or you may never hear from her again. You just have to look out for numero uno.

[Draper]

Hey rebel, thanks for the reply - glad to hear I'm not the only one as well. Yeah it's crazy, I mean when I say out of the blue I mean literally out of the blue. It came out of nowhere. Anyway, I'm feeling decent today. Pretty much done dwelling on what could have been, I'm beginning to accept it. Although I spend a lot of time wondering if she's hurting, or if she's thinking of me.

 

Not going to be doing any travelling for the time being as I'm in university but I'll definitely be trying to keep busy. My birthday is on Wednesday, so I'll certainly be hitting the bar for wing night.

 

And it's like I said in this other guys thread - you can't hold onto hope that they come back. It could take months, years, or they may never come back. At the end of the day you can't put your life on hold waiting for someone who walked out to walk back in.

[Draper]

Kind of ****ty day... Day 6 of NC. I don't really have any urge to break it, I just keep asking myself a lot of questions in my head.. Like what is she doing, what's going on with this other guy, what was a lie and what was the truth, does she even think of me anymore?

 

Just one of those days I guess.

[Brokenmech]

A lot of women (and men) will use any excuse to break up with someone rather than the truth to save them from being "hurt". The problem is that when you eventually find out the truth (as you have) the hurt is tenfold. It appears this has what has happened in your case I'm sorry to say.

 

Although it's very hard I would move on and find someone else, there's no point in hanging around someone that is not 100% sure they want to be with you. You could be setting yourself up for more hurt in the future if you do, and don't forget it doesn't appear she has been honest with you which is never good in a healthy relationship.

 

Hope things get better for you soon.

[Draper]

Yeah see where your coming from. It just sucks being lied to, and left feeling almost used. You know, I did everything I could for her up to the very end. I guess the most troubling part of all of this boils down to wondering how she could not only walk out so abruptly, but how could she do it with such little respect for me after everything.

 

It's sad to see her go down this road, and it's sad to leave her behind. Tomorrow is another day, though, I'll be one day closer to leaving all this in the past. One day closer to finding what the future brings, and hopefully one day closer to being a stronger person.

[Draper]

****, made the mistake of logging onto facebook. The 'other guy' changed his profile picture to a photo of the the two of them (him and my ex). **** man. It really starts to sink in when you see something like that.

 

All I want to do is send her message asking how the hell she could look at me and tell me she sees a future with me, if she was planning on doing this? Of course this would be a bad idea, so I'm holding back. How could she look me in the eyes and tell me she loves me just days before it happened? How could she let me buy her **** on the vacation and all that? God I just feel so used, discarded.

 

The thing stopping me from going mad and messaging her, is PaperCranes line: 'She doesn't deserve communication with you.'

[Oregon_Dude]

I don't know why you're still friends with her on FB (if you are). I don't know why you're cyber-stalking the other guy. I don't know why you're reopening the wound.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. But you're not doing enough to protect yourself.

 

FB is just lies anyway, man. They have to broadcast themselves to the world; you don't. FB is the worst thing to happen to relationships in a long time.

 

Stay off it.

 

Just because she's with someone else, that doesn't mean anything negative about YOU. Internalize that.

[Oregon_Dude]

PS. Unfriend, then BLOCK.

 

I am SURE my ex has photos up with someone else. SURE of it. I'm just not gonna see it.

 

Ignorance is bliss until you're healed. REALLY healed. Like, a year or two.

[Draper]

I don't know man I felt like it was stupid or childish to unfriend her at the time. It's hard close it off when there's so many unanswered thing. I know getting answers to them won't make me feel better, they'll probably make it worse, and I know I won't have 'closure', but there so much. I want to know when she started talking to him again. When she decided I was no longer enough. You know?

 

I definitely agree with you on FB being the worst thing that's happened to relationships. As I said the other day, FB, texting, snapchat, whatever - it's all made it so easy to go outside the bounds of your relationship. I hate it. I just wish I knew what happened that made her go to someone else.

 

Edit: I blocked them. I also got rid of everything I had on my profile, like pictures and ****. It just makes it so real seeing stuff like that. Rips my heart out to think someone who I thought loved me so much could turn on a dime.

Edited September 21, 2015 by Draper

[Draper]

I just feel so ****ty the past couple days now that I know for sure there is something going on between the two of them. I know I don't have right to be 'pissed' seeing as we aren't together, but I can't forget that this almost certainly started to take shape while she was with me which pisses me off, as that means she lied basically throughout our entire relationship.

 

I just can't understand. It sucks, it makes you feel like you weren't good enough, like it's your fault. I think I just need some tough love to get me to see her for what she is and be grateful she left.

[Oregon_Dude]

I think I just need some tough love to get me to see her for what she is and be grateful she left.

Alright.

 

She's an emotional cheater who never really loved you, at least not in the way you loved her. She has emotional problems that are, as I recently heard it put, way above your paygrade. If you stayed together, she would have consistently put you through hell and played with your mind and your heart. She's jumped to this guy, will tire of him, and will repeat the cycle indefinitely. She won't ever get 'caught' or have to pay for her treatment of men, because there will always be another lonely sap looking to bang a hot girl.

 

You're a man of quality who simply dated the wrong person. There is nothing you could have done. You have gotten a lot of good responses in this thread, a surprising amount, tbh. This girl is basically just a player, and you let her mess with you a little too long, because you have sucker tendencies.

 

Best thing now to realize you are a man who will not tolerate being second best. Cut her out of your life and heart now, primarily using anger. Truth is, she's not worth the time spent agonizing over her. You'll never figure out why she left you, and that's because she left you on impulse, having seen a new shiny thing. She's not wife material; she's not even GF material. She's an immature user. You got used. Get over it and learn to spot the signs, and HEED them, earlier on.

[Draper]

Yeah, that's about what I was looking for. Thank you.

 

I guess the fact is, she told me she loved me just days before dumping. She let me give her everything I had emotionally, physically, and financially right up until the end. She came on our vacation with my family and let me buy all this stuff for her, then walked out the day we got back. She told me months ago that this guy she is know hanging out with was nothing. She professed her undying love for me and told me she would never speak to him again. Not two weeks after she dumps me, they're hanging out.

 

You see, I know there is so much evidence telling me that I'm better than this. I'm better than moping around refreshing this forum while she's out not giving a ****. You're right. She's not worth agonizing over. I miss her family, I have a ton of respect for them and in time I think they will help her to see what a terrible mistake she has made.

 

Of course, everything I just said is a lot easier to write than it is to do. I hope I'm ready. After today, I don't think it can get any worse. I can't let her keep me down when in reality she isn't worth the air I miss out on by sooking inside all day. I just wish I could fast forward to a time where I don't give a **** about her.

[rebel]

Yeah... dont break NC or go on facebook. I just did tongith and I saw things and heard things that made me feel ****... so FYI, dont do it lol.

[PaperCrane]

Facebook is literally ****ing up relationships and normal routines.

 

That one little blip when you're feeling halfway normal just picks you up and Hulk smashes you back to square one so hard you feel like your chest just caves in.

 

Good news is, that's normal. Better news is, is that while she's off cavorting around with this guy, she's shutting down the chance for her to experience single life. Single Life will be the person she breaks up with him for, because she jumped in so fast.

 

Meanwhile you'll be busy having fun and being independent.

 

People will say and do anything before a breakup. My ex and I, like I mentioned, was talking about getting married and even kids when she hated kids. I thought everything was peachy keen. It wasn't.

 

You have a right to feel pissed, you have a right to feel everything you're feeling because they're your feelings. Do you have a right to blow up at her about it? Not so much. Two autonomous people can do what they'd like. Relationships are voluntary, and really it's almost like religion. You cannot know what they're thinking or planning but they say or do certain things and you have faith in what they say, because that's all you can do. When it all turns out to be a lie you feel devastated because you trusted them. You made yourself vulnerable to them and they abused that gift.

 

Part of the anger is that as a man, you're seeing your 'territory' being taken by another. Look at it this way. She's shown herself to be a manipulative liar to you to get her way. To blame you for everything. Imagine your life is this big old kingdom full of different areas. The area you thought was this amazing place turns out to be barren and full of sand worms. Sand worms are bad ****ing news. This dude comes along and claims it as his. In reality he just did you a big favor because serfs getting eaten by those sand worms was becoming a huge problem. You miss hearing about how awesome that place could have been and you're sad because now it's different than your expectations, but you're free from it now and know the truth.

 

Her actions have no reflection on your value, so don't let anything you saw bring you down.

[Draper]

Good to see you again, Crane. I know I don't have the right to answers or whatever, as she did leave me before she started hanging out with him, but it pisses me off to think that they most likely started talking again while we were together.

 

After the cheating thing, she knew if I ever found out she was talking to him again I'd be gone. Granted I should have been gone in the first place, but still. It just hurts to know that everyday since the day I found out about the cheating, she has been lying to me and herself that it didn't mean anything.

 

If relationships are like religion, than surely she is judas.

[Draper]

Today, I actually felt good. I felt like I had a little more power of my emotions. I still had a couple of down moments but I'm getting good at expelling those quickly.

 

I just keep thinking 'she's not worth hurting over'. It's been 7 days of NC now. Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my birthday so there's a chance she might message me, although it might be somewhat enlightening if she didn't.

 

Basically where I'm at looking at this situation: I still find it hard to believe she left, especially to be with someone else. It scares to me think she could do that honestly. But I know I need to focus not on understanding it, but accepting that I will never understand it. As someone else put it, the girl I fell in love with is dead. Gone. I don't deserve to be anybodies backup plan or 2nd choice, so **** her putting me in this position.

 

She couldn't even be bothered to be honest with me about it, which I'm starting to find almost laughable rather than upsetting. I know there's gotta be a better one out there for me. I just need to let her go. Lose the addiction. I told someone today that we have this image in our mind of who this person that we love is and what kind of life we want to live alongside them. For a faithful and devoted partner, that image is their compass. However, when our ex's pull this kind of thing on us, it's as if they torch that image. And your left on your own to find your way back to the track.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this, I think, is one of the hardest things I've gone through in my life. But I'm not going to let it win. This girl lied to me, cheated on me, used me, took me for granted, and treated me generally ****ty despite me doing everything I possibly could for her and our relationship. I can't let someone who did that to me keep me down.

 

I have a hard time believing she'll be happy for long. I hope she gets the help she needs with her mental issues and stuff, but the way she has treated me isn't acceptable. She has every right to be with whoever she wants but lying, deceiving, and manipulating people that care about you is beyond me. Maybe I'm too loyal. Maybe I'm affectionate.

 

No matter what I am, there has to be someone more worth suffering through a broken heart than this girl. Sorry for long message, I just needed to write this somewhere.