Gone in an instant

[Draper]

Yeah, in that sense we're certainly lucky. It's a little hard for me to see right now but I expect in the future I will be able to see more clearly that she actually did me a favour by rolling out when she did.

 

With the amount of time, energy, money, and all the other things that I put into the relationship - I am thankful that it ended now rather than later. My bank account in particular feels much better as of late. And your right, it would been all the worse if we had gone through with more commitments like living together, marriage, kids.

 

Another thing I try to do when I'm feeling down is consider the fact that there are people out there, even as I'm typing this, going through a hell of a lot worse things than I am. I lost someone that I at least thought I loved, sure it hurts, but in the grand scheme of things there are people suffering a whole lot more than me.

[Royals550]

Nice! Putting things in perspective already. So true, only if we all could incorporate that way of thinking in all facets of our lives we would be much more happier. You nailed it, right now people are dying of illnesses, and children are struggling to find a meal... makes our troubles less troublesome.

[Draper]

Yup, there's whole lot of suffering going on in the world. It does make problems like mine or years feel a little less significant when you think that way.

 

You're right though, we got hurt but it could have been a hell of a lot worse if it didn't end now. I also feel kind of good about learning something from this..as in, I'm never going to let somewhat treat me like she did again.

 

Anyway, thanks for replying today Royals, it always helps to hear from someone who went through it.

[Royals550]

Anytime man! Happy to help! It's such a win/win with the NC.

I just wish others would have more self respect and do the same. I'm by nature a people pleaser so NC doesn't come easy, but it sure is rewarding once implemented. It's time to look out for us, it's not selfish. Took me a very long time to get that through my skull. Best of luck to you, there are a lot of amazing women out there, that I know.

[Draper]

Certainly doesn't come easy to me either. Especially when your used to talking pretty much 24/7. I mean, hell, the only time we weren't talking over the course of the past couple months was when we were sleeping beside each other. So it's a big shock to your system when you have to cut it off - your brain expects one thing, gets another, and sends you into the ****s.

 

I let my last ex string me along as a backup plan for months in the hopes of getting her back until finally I snapped out of it. When I finally realized it, I stopped her replying to her and never spoke another word to her to this day. With this one, I never really did any of the begging or pleading but I spent a couple of days trying to get answers and then when I stumbled on this website, I knew NC was the only way to go. I wish I had just done it from day 1, but I'm happy it only took me a few days to figure it out rather than weeks or months like some.

 

For now I just have to weather the storm - I'm not over it, but I'm getting a little closer everyday.

[Royals550]

You'll get to a point where you can look back and smile, even the crappiest of situations. I'm in my mid 30's and seriously I'm glad I've had so much heartbreak, I've learned so much. You'll always have a spot for her in your heart, that's just the way it is. The catch is, she'll never be able to repair the damage to where it used to be, it sucks how someone can just ruin a good thing. Self sabotage (fear of engulfment) is quite common for a young lady figuring out her way through life. Never get caught up in what they say, actions are key...but you know this. You seem strong willed, it's a great trait.. Don't let a woman ever cross that boundary and take that away. I probably shouldn't say this but it's true, she'll be back...but you won't want anything to do with her. How old is she again? If it's 20-25, this isn't to uncommon, that Gigs thread is legit. Straight gold.

[SoThatHappened]

Our stories are similar, Draper. You're doing well. It takes a long time when:

 

- You're in love

- They seem to be in love with you

- You're completely blindsided (even worse when cheating is involved)

 

I found out my ex moved in with the guy who she cheated on me with (within 4 months) and got engaged 4 months later. She was living with the guy and engaged 8 months after cheating on me.

 

I didn't find that out until after 15 months of NC. It set me back for a good month.

 

I say this to hopefully persuade you to remain in absolute NC until you are indifferent.

 

You'll get there, and you're doing well in the meantime.

[Royals550]

As far as getting answers, you'll have a hard time getting any from someone who's emotionally unavailable. The ice queen can really drive the dagger deep in the heart of someone who's a logical thinker, people pleaser. It hurts the worst. But guess what, closure is something we tell ourselves we need, but we really don't. Once they want out, the reason is pointless. Ghost...

Edited October 29, 2015 by Royals550

[Draper]

You'll get to a point where you can look back and smile, even the crappiest of situations. I'm in my mid 30's and seriously I'm glad I've had so much heartbreak, I've learned so much. You'll always have a spot for her in your heart, that's just the way it is. The catch is, she'll never be able to repair the damage to where it used to be, it sucks how someone can just ruin a good thing. Self sabotage (fear of engulfment) is quite common for a young lady figuring out her way through life. Never get caught up in what they say, actions are key...but you know this. You seem strong willed, it's a great trait.. Don't let a woman ever cross that boundary and take that away. I probably shouldn't say this but it's true, she'll be back...but you won't want anything to do with her. How old is she again? If it's 20-25, this isn't to uncommon, that Gigs thread is legit. Straight gold.

 

Yeah, she's 20. Like you said, she'll never be able to repair the things the has broken. She may or may not come back, who knows, I've posted this same general message in many other peoples threads where they were hoping for their ex to come back, and I've come to believe it and try to live by it myself:

 

They very well may come, and they very well may not. There's no way for us to tell, and all we can do is operate under the assumption that we will never hear from them again. It's the only way to move on, because if you get stuck actively hoping and waning for them to come back - you'll never let go. If they do show up at your door someday, you cross that bridge when it comes. Until that happens, this person is simply someone you used to know.

[Draper]

Our stories are similar, Draper. You're doing well. It takes a long time when:

 

- You're in love

- They seem to be in love with you

- You're completely blindsided (even worse when cheating is involved)

 

I found out my ex moved in with the guy who she cheated on me with (within 4 months) and got engaged 4 months later. She was living with the guy and engaged 8 months after cheating on me.

 

I didn't find that out until after 15 months of NC. It set me back for a good month.

 

I say this to hopefully persuade you to remain in absolute NC until you are indifferent.

 

You'll get there, and you're doing well in the meantime.

 

****, that must have been a big punch in the face. I have a hard time believing engagement after 8 months in a relationship that began on the premise of cheating will ever amount to anything good for either them though, not that it matters.

 

But yes, I still have a road ahead of me but I've made too much progress to turn back now. It won't be me that reaches out and hopefully if she ever does I have the strength to tell her shove it.

 

I think it's the 'They seem to be in love with you' that gets as all hung up on these things. We're left wondering how they could do it but the reality is we'll never know, hell most of them probably don't have the answer to that themselves.

 

It's fine though. I don't need answers, I'm just a point now where I want to put this behind me. You know, wake up one morning and just feel nothing. I've been going out on weekends which I find helps a lot, spending the night with another girl was probably the best I've felt since the whole thing happened.

 

 

Anyway, no persuasion needed, NC is here to stay.

[SoThatHappened]

Punch in the face, gut, and heart for sure. She was 22 when she cheated.

 

I keep hearing (and honestly believing) the same thing: their relationship won't last after moving on so quickly from a foundation built on infidelity.

 

But, as you eluded to, it doesn't matter.

 

And yes, as with you, my story was "how could she be saying and showing how much she loves me and then cheat on me?" You can only entertain that question for so long until you realize, again... it doesn't matter.

 

Glad you know that NC is permanent for you, at least until you get over her. You have a good head on your shoulders. It's just the damn heart that's the problem. Your brain will regain control soon enough.

[Draper]

Thanks,

 

The heart is a tricky thing and, as you said, I can't wait for the day my brain gets full control again. I try to remind myself that she threw away the life she could have had and it's her loss that she won't get to experience, but shouldn't stop be from experiencing it.

 

It really is helpful hearing from people who have been through this.

[Draper]

Damn guys, I've been having a rough time lately and it just got even worse. Found out she's dating and now living with the guy she cheated on me with way back when. Feels like I got hit by a truck and I have this urge to just text her and tell her what ****ty person she is but obviously that will get me nowhere.

 

I don't know what to do though, as this just hurts. Makes me feel like im EVERYTHING was a lie and she never gave a damn. I mean why tell me the breakup was about her depression and why tell me that she wanted a future with me if she knew damn well she wanted him? I can't understand that but it really makes me hate her. She moved in with the guy about two months after she dumped me.

 

I mean, where do I go from here? I really just don't want to feel like this anymore and I have to get rid of this urge to talk to her because logicallly I know thats a terrible idea. I haven't broken NC since I started this topic so it's been over 3 months. I thought I was making progress but the past couple weeks ive been thinking about her a lot and now today I find this out. Its so demoralizing, knowing I just wasn't good enough or something.

Edited December 29, 2015 by Draper

[sbk24]

Hi Draper, I know your pain but you have to stay thinking logically. If you did speak to her your emotions will become wild and would probably would regret some things that you may say.

 

My ex moved onto the guy she cheated on me with literally day after. It hurt like mad. I even said to her what kind of human being are you to have no respect after an 8 year relationship and she just had nothing to say.

 

Believe me it really does get better. I know you have stuck to NC like I have and stick at it! No peaking at her Instagram, Facebook, Twitter as it will just hurt. I think I have made a lot of progress as at the end of the day we are going to be stronger out of it, as they just don't know how to be happy single. They seek happiness from somewhere else and will continue searching.

 

I do know how it hurts. It is probably one of the worse feelings that we can have. The feeling of rejection and disloyalty. You have to remember that if you fell in love once, you can do it again!

 

At the moment i am speaking to a few girls. It just takes some effort and time. I do admit that none of these girls, who are lovely people, are just not my type but it is good to have female company.

[Stressed_26]

Damn guys, I've been having a rough time lately and it just got even worse. Found out she's dating and now living with the guy she cheated on me with way back when. Feels like I got hit by a truck and I have this urge to just text her and tell her what ****ty person she is but obviously that will get me nowhere.

 

I don't know what to do though, as this just hurts. Makes me feel like im EVERYTHING was a lie and she never gave a damn. I mean why tell me the breakup was about her depression and why tell me that she wanted a future with me if she knew damn well she wanted him? I can't understand that but it really makes me hate her. She moved in with the guy about two months after she dumped me.

 

I mean, where do I go from here? I really just don't want to feel like this anymore and I have to get rid of this urge to talk to her because logicallly I know thats a terrible idea. I haven't broken NC since I started this topic so it's been over 3 months. I thought I was making progress but the past couple weeks ive been thinking about her a lot and now today I find this out. Its so demoralizing, knowing I just wasn't good enough or something.

 

 

There is no end to cruelty and dishonesty of people in this world. I know this is like kicked back to day one but that also means you have to start like you did from day one. Do all that you did all these days, and yes disconnect from social media.

Well my ex left me for another guy and start sleeping with him from the very next day. She proudly mentioned it to all the mutual friend. She changed her phone number so I didn't even get the final conversation or so, neither will get it. I know how you feel. There is nothing we can do. When you open your heart it is also opening up for potential hurt.

Since you have 3 months NC experience you will get on track faster than us.

 

You will get better, you will have to do it for yourself.

 

take care

[Draper]

Thanks for the words SBK, im kind of calming down now I just needed to get that out. I don't know, it hurts like hell but maybe in the long run I can use this as a catalyst to moving past this part of my life. I must say I still had this tiny ripple of hope in the back of my mind all this time, thinking she would realize what she did and come back. It's safe to say that hope is gone now and maybe that in itself is a good thing.

 

I don't know, I don't think not being with her is the hard part anymore - it's dealing with the betrayal, getting passed the lies and the disrespect, and eventually moving forward. Does it ever make you feel sort of inadequate though? I know it wasn't my fault and I do think I was a truly good boyfriend but sometimes you just feel like you weren't enough.

[Draper]

There is no end to cruelty and dishonesty of people in this world. I know this is like kicked back to day one but that also means you have to start like you did from day one. Do all that you did all these days, and yes disconnect from social media.

Well my ex left me for another guy and start sleeping with him from the very next day. She proudly mentioned it to all the mutual friend. She changed her phone number so I didn't even get the final conversation or so, neither will get it. I know how you feel. There is nothing we can do. When you open your heart it is also opening up for potential hurt.

Since you have 3 months NC experience you will get on track faster than us.

 

You will get better, you will have to do it for yourself.

 

take care

 

I'm sorry that it happened to you too, I guess you really know how it feels. It sucks. I didn't get much of a final conversation either - the last real talk we had was when she broke up with me, which as I know now was full of lies so not much closure there. Anyway, we have to create our own closure and move on.

 

like you said, not much we can do. I just want to get rid of the feelings and hopefully learn something. I'll tell you one thing, the next time someone cheats on me whether its a drunken kiss or a sober bang, I'm out. It simply isn't worth trying to fix someone who is clearly broken and I got burned big time in this case.

[Stressed_26]

. I'll tell you one thing, the next time someone cheats on me whether its a drunken kiss or a sober bang, I'm out. It simply isn't worth trying to fix someone who is clearly broken and I got burned big time in this case.

 

 

Truly said, and don't believe when someone says they will not do it. What matters is their action not their assurances

[Draper]

Truly said, and don't believe when someone says they will not do it. What matters is their action not their assurances

 

Yup, she did the usual crying that it was a mistake and never happen again and all that. Actually, funny enough, she trashed the guy trying to convince me it didn't mean anything by saying he was a mess and she could never have a future with someone like that. I never really got over the whole thing and as the months went by and I brought it up at different times, she made me out to be some crazy jealous boyfriend who was overreacting over one mistake. Evidently, I was right all along.

 

On the bright side, Im pretty sure this is as painful as it gets and I must go forward from here.

[Draper]

Sorry for spamming this thread today, just wanted to say that I've calmed down after the initial shock earlier today when I found out. Felt like crap the most of the day but im on a mini-vacation with parents right now so I tried to say strong and brave through it.

 

Anyway, of course I wish I never found this out but it's not like I can erase it from my head. I know now, and I have to live with it. There is still all the questions about what i couldn't give her and why it happened, but over the past month I've come to believe those questions will never be answered. Knowing what I know now will obviously set me back a bit in that it re-opened the wound, but I don't think it will be too bad. I'm trying to look at it as the definitive end to this chapter of my life.

 

With my one other ex before this, I one day simply grew tired of being hurt and decided "this is the last day". I never spoke to that girl again and truthfully I never hurt after that day. i'm not sure why, I guess something just snapped. I don't think I'll wake up tomorrow and be over this, but I do hope that knowing it is 150% lost-cause will help me get over it. I was making decent progress overall before this, I think. It just feels like its gone on for long enough.

 

Over this time, I've come to realize that I have my own demons to work out and that is what I will focus on. As bluefeather said way back on pg 3 or something, insecurity, codependant tendancies, even some self-esteem issues. Ive been still going to the gym but honestly im not all that sure what else to do - i know that kind of change has to come from within, and I also know it's the only way i will recover fully from this/prevent it from happening again.

 

Overall I just don't want to be the guy that falls so far down after a breakup again. It will always hurt, but through this I've realized that real happiness only comes from loving yourself and thats where I hope to get to.

 

P.S. I re-read this whole thread today when I was feelimg down. I can't thank enough all of the people who have given me their advice and support.