I can't make any decisions. Constantly need parents' approval?

[mlxy]

I'm 24 years old, and I can barely ever make any decisions for myself.

 

My parents are immigrants and they've always had a very bad perception of what happens in 'the west'. Although I was born in the West, I've always struggled with feeling like I have two personalities. One personality is full of self-doubt, constantly seeking validation/approval from my parents/others, feeling indecisive, confused, unable to understand myself. The other part of me knows what I want, what I feel - but because I'm so shaped by cultural notions and what my parents think, I usually do what I am expected to more than what I want.

 

I remember in middle-school, I wasn't allowed to go to school trips after grade 5 because my dad thought this would lead to me going on multiple day trips with boys. When I entered high school, I had to come home for lunch everyday because I was told 'kids do bad things during lunch, and go to the mall.' When I was got into university, I couldn't choose the major of my choice because my family/relatives didn't think being a dietitian was something to be proud of. So I went on to do a major I hated but made my family 'proud.'

 

The first relationship I ever got into was with a great guy, but my parents didn't approve of him. Despite trying to persuade my parents, they didn't listen. I broke up with him and made the mistake of getting into a rebound relationship - which although my parents approved of - it failed miserably.

 

So most aspects of my life suck, and no matter what decision I have to make (even small as purchasing an item/clothes etc. I'm calling my parents to ask what they think) Before making an choice, I always find myself putting myself in their shoes, and making decisions based on what THEY think.

[Tayla]

Well lets see, you made a decision to come here and post. Score One point for self initiative! If you keep that pattern going, you may find it easier to openly decide for yourself. Some folks are late on the train for self actualization and independent thinking. The good news is you recognize it and are willing to allow yourself the ability to think and do for yourself.

 

Sadly some folks then go about their lives being guilted for NOT listening to their parents or going against their parents wishes. Thats where being a responsible adult comes in. Balance of taking good suggestions from others and weighing them against your personal objective goals.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think more and more young people these days have a hard time breaking away from their families. Heck the average 24 year old lives at home now, whereas a couple of generations ago the average 24 year old had their own family.

 

Obviously some cultures promote the close family values more so than others (which isn't a bad thing). But you still need to "grow up" and start to make your own choices and decisions. Your parents may be wise people but the life they grew up with, is probably very differently than your life, and the choices they have had to make, may not be applicable in the same ways to the choices you need to make.

 

Obviously when it comes to major decisions (buying a house, changing careers, who to marry) you should consult people you trust like your parents for advise. But it's YOUR life and you need to make the decisions.

 

They don't go to work for you, live in your house, or spend their life with your husband...

[Maggie4]

I'll tell you something that may surprise you: your parents don't really care what you do. Now on the surface, they might appear to tell you what to do, because they are supposed to, as your parents. But they are human beings, and they have their own lives, worries, dreams.

 

You need to stop bothering them with decisions of what clothes to buy. You already occupied them for over 24 years. It's time you quit pestering them!

 

This goes for other relatives and friends as well. Whatever they say, about your major, doesn't mean that much to their own lives. They don't really care, cos their lives don't revolve around your major. They care what happens to themselves. And they can also change their mind and change their comments at any time. So now why would you base your life decisions on that?

[BlessYourHeart]

I'd first like to say that I don't believe that you've been pestering your parents for 24 years, you are their child, and I'm sure they would love to have you in their lives for another 24 years. However, you are now an adult, and it's time to act as one. You do not need approval for your own choices, and you are now free to define who you are.. wear your clothes, your major, your life choices..It's time for you to stop second guessing yourself and do what you wish to do. Your parents are people too, they also have lives of their own, so I'm sure it doesn't bother them nearly as much as it bothers you.

[turnera]

mixy, this is just one of those things you have to fake it til you make it, as a therapist would tell you. It doesn't come naturally to be independent, especially if your parents overshadow you. My daughter's 25 and I've been having to push her to get out and act like an adult. I mean, I'm always there for her, but I try to make her make her own phone calls and handle problems with stores and things like that, so she can start feeling like an adult. I'll tell you, though, that even though I was on my own as soon as I turned 18, I didn't really start feeling like a legitimate adult until I was about 30. It's just something you have to keep doing...until it becomes second nature.

[Els]

I come from a similar culture as yours, OP, so I know how hard it can be.

 

However, you are now 24. Presumably you are already financially independent from your parents. Thus, it's time for you to start taking steps towards becoming truly independent from them. You can start small if it feels too overwhelming to do it all at once. Consciously make the choice NOT to ask them for approval about small things. Advice is different from approval and it's okay to receive advice, but you have to weigh it and make the choice whether to take it or leave it - the decision still lies with YOU.

 

Once you get yourself in the habit of that, you'll slowly find yourself evolving into an adult with a mind and life of her own. It's not easy, especially as you still have to balance it with being respectful and loving towards them. For instance, when I go off on vacation I consider it's respectful to let them know, because I would like to know if they went traveling as well, just in case anything happens. But I just tell them I'm going, I don't ask their permission to go.

 

I'm still in the process of getting this balancing act right, and I agree that it's a lot harder for those of us who are from conservative cultures. But the sooner you start the better it will be for you.

 

Also, if you haven't already moved out, do so ASAP. That contributes a LOT to your journey into adulthood, you will have a radical change of perspective when you do. Best of luck!

[Ronni_W]

mlxy,

My mom is almost 84...and she is still doing this very same thing. (Except, of course, it's no longer her parents' approval that she's desperate for, but her children's or her friends' or whomever else.)

 

The underneath issue is that she is afraid; she cannot deal with the responsibility of making a mistake or a perceived "wrong" choice/decision -- it would crush her sense of identity. So, she's spent her whole life as a passive bystander, and thinks she can blame everyone else for her own decision to act like that. She tells herself that she's only being "nice" and "considerate"...but that's just the excuse to stay uninvolved in her own life.

 

You ARE making a decision when you just live by everyone else's standards and opinions, and repress and suppress your own thoughts, feelings, desires and self-expression in the process. That IS a choice; the choice that you've thus far decided to make for your own self and your own life.

 

How do you feel about learning and growing through making (your own) mistakes? For you, are consequences and 'fault' the same things? What are you most afraid will happen, if you make what OTHER PEOPLE will see as a "wrong" choice? Will YOU be okay, even if you have to make a new decision, or change course midstream, or correct some aspect of whatever you're striving for?

(These are the kinds of self-explorations needed, to not end up like my mom.)

 

Best of luck.