Trapped7 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 I've been with my husband for 5 years. Married for 2. He's a decent, hardworking, loyal man. But ........ For the past 3 years he's been working so much that I barely see him. Sometimes 16 hour shifts. His job is demanding & I understand how much he does. However, I'm really unhappy in the marriage. I feel lonely, abandoned & second best all the time. I've raised my thoughts & feelings with him on many occasions. He says he will cut back on work, but it NEVER happens. I'm getting fed up & tired. I try not to wait around for him & engage in social activities study & exercise. I honesty spend about 4 hours maximin a week with him & to me this is not enough. I go to bed before he gets home & he's up early & gone for the day before I wake up. He comes home from work exhausted & we occasionally spend an hour on the couch watching TV together so he can relax. He is too tired to talk & just wants to unwind. We don't have sex anymore. In the past 3 years I think we have had sex 6 times. He says he's tired. I feel like he's not interested in me anymore. I feel unloved & I'm struggling to hold myself together. I'm 30 years old & feel trapped. I gave up my career, house & life to move to be with him in the city when he got this new job. I feel like I have nothing left... I think about leaving him daily. Help !! Link to post Share on other sites
readynow Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 We don't have sex anymore. In the past 3 years I think we have had sex 6 times. He says he's tired. I feel like he's not interested in me anymore. I feel unloved & I'm struggling to hold myself together. I'm 30 years old & feel trapped. I gave up my career, house & life to move to be with him in the city when he got this new job. I feel like I have nothing left... I think about leaving him daily. Help !! 6 times in 3 years eh? Have you asked him if he's getting sex elsewhere? Is it possible that he's living a double life and spending his time with someone else? Seeing your husband for 4hrs every week is unnatural. Tell him you're unhappy and thinking of leaving him, see what he says. I don't buy his story of being at work so much that he doesn't make time to have sex with you or anything else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 6 times in 3 years eh? Have you asked him if he's getting sex elsewhere? My thought exactly. No man would enter a job which would cut down his personal life to the point that sex becomes impossible - chances are he's doing extra shifts with a co-worker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 You want to leave your husband because he works too much. Have you told him that? Once he knows your stance he may cut down. However, if he will get fired for working less, I think you need to be more understanding. Read a book called the Care & Feeding of a Marriage. Some of it is drivel like most pop psychology but it is about appreciation at ground. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trapped7 Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 My husband & I live in a boarding house which he runs. It's a school for boys & he's in charge of 86 kids plus staff & is also a full time teacher. It's hard to imagine that I spend 4 quality hours with him per week, but it's the truth. He works himself to the ground, the role is big & demanding. He's up at 6am ~ in bed by 11pm on a good night. He also works weekends & coaches sporting teams. When school holidays come around he's on school camps. However, Christmas holidays we do get to spend 2 weeks together. Living & working at the same place makes things so much worse. There's no time for him to really switch off. Aside from all of that, I feel like the lack of quality time together has made me feel disconnected. He's always saying yes to other people & putting his hand up to everything. He can't say no. I feel like he says no to me though. I have raised the sex thing many times & he says he's tired, which I find believable, but I feel rejected & it's seriously not healthy. I feel like I'm being pushed away.. I've told him it's taking a toll on me & he says he will cut back his hours, but I'm yet to see that. I feel like a nagging wife. I hate nagging for attention & to spend time with my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 I love how people just jump to conclusions that he must be having an affair. If he is running a school and is a teacher, I can see how he would be working such long hours. That sounds like an extremely demanding job. He may not be able to cut back much anyway. I wonder how long he can last doing it, let alone you. It doesn't sound sustainable at all. I think you need to have a heart to heart talk about the situation. No job is worth sacrificing your family and health. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 I can see similarities here with my recent marriage break up, except 'she' is the one who was too tired all the time for sex. She works in the city, leaves home early, gets home late etc etc. Worse thing is, she has to stay back doing several hours overtime at work every day and does not get paid for those extra hours. But this is the usual practice in Australia nowadays, we don't have worker rights anymore. Which is quite ironic really because there was a big debate over a policy called 'work choices' some years ago, and everybody fort against it to defend worker rights, but now i look around and i say "what worker rights?" What the hell did we defend? NOTHING. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Does he have intimacy issues? I mean, some people put work as a priority cuz they are hiding behind the work instead of spending time with family and/or loved ones... Why? Well, maybe they grew up in a home where they didn't get a lot of hugs and now that they married, getting hugs is something that simply makes them uncomfy. I put my career as a "priority" and I think I did that a lot to have an excuse to avoid making time for a RL, kids, marriage. I also seem to see that with my brother - who while married w/kids, he is a workaholic and I have to remind him to make time to just enjoy life with his wife and kids. He does it, but now even more since our dad died. So, maybe you husband isn't seeing someone else - maybe he has issues with closeness and intimacy and is sorta comfortable with being your "roommate"? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 I love how people just jump to conclusions that he must be having an affair. If he would have had a regular job - it would be a logical assumption. We weren't given that much information in the initial post. Since he puts all his energy in his job, and since it's also your home - maybe you can join him and get the work done faster (or at least spend time with him this way)? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 If you got a job, it would probably solve many of your problems. You'd be busy and he wouldn't have to work as hard to make ends meet. People who have been married awhile often lose sexual interest. You don't know if you still enjoy him when he's around because he's hardly ever around. But if you get a full-time job (doesn't matter what it pays really) and keep yourself occupied and then tell him he shouldn't work so hard because you'll take up the slack, maybe things will get a little better. Working that much, who's got time to feel romantic? Think of how it was for you when your children were babies and toddlers. Did you feel all sexy then? And if you don't have kids, well, then I guess you're a free agent, but aren't you going to have to go get employed in order to even leave? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 It sounds a very lonely kind of marriage and I don't blame you for feeling neglected. I expect you have probably asked him but have you asked him directly why he needs to work such long hours? Aren't there other members of staff who can take over certain shifts or turns? I can imagine he is very busy but he needs a better work-life balance. Should you leave him? That's something only you can know. If he is the only breadwinner, then it could be he feels he has to earn all the money and daren't give up any of the job because of the loss of income or possible loss of job. However, I think you two really need to talk. If he won't talk and just says he is tired when you try, then he's not really engaging with you in any sense at all. You could suggest marital counselling. If his response is to ignore that option too, then I think you would be justified in leaving him. It is not easy as a single parent so think very carefully about how you would manage if you did leave. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 (edited) It sounds a very lonely kind of marriage and I don't blame you for feeling neglected. I expect you have probably asked him but have you asked him directly why he needs to work such long hours? Aren't there other members of staff who can take over certain shifts or turns? I can imagine he is very busy but he needs a better work-life balance. Should you leave him? That's something only you can know. If he is the only breadwinner, then it could be he feels he has to earn all the money and daren't give up any of the job because of the loss of income or possible loss of job. However, I think you two really need to talk. If he won't talk and just says he is tired when you try, then he's not really engaging with you in any sense at all. You could suggest marital counselling. If his response is to ignore that option too, then I think you would be justified in leaving him. It is not easy as a single parent so think very carefully about how you would manage if you did leave. Also they did not invent the word 'workaholic' without good reason. I think it is just like any other addiction, such as drugs or gambling, and it can be just as destructive. I find workaholics have a very ignorant and stubborn mindset that completely gives me the ****s, and life with them is a total ****. If the OP's husband is one, then sadly, i have to recommend to consider leaving. Edit: a workaholics idea of heaven is to be sent back in time and be a slave on a cotton farm and then they will be happy. They have finally achieved the ultimate orgasm from proving life just to be about work and nothing more. Edited September 18, 2015 by mystikmind2005 Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 (edited) The next time you have some quality time with your husband you need to tell him that you need to talk with him about something extremely important that is affecting your marriage. Tell him that you cannot continue like this anymore, you are starting to feel neglected. At the same time express your appreciation for his sacrifice for your future, but there needs to be a balance. If he is only interested in sex 3 times a year that indicates that he's not happy either. Tell him you are commited to making things better, and offer your help in any way you can, but you will not tolerate him ignoring the issue any longer, and that you will be forced to walk away from the marriage if he chooses to ignore the issue and not start taking some clear steps to make things better. Edited September 18, 2015 by ManyDissapoint Link to post Share on other sites
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