Long Term Girlfriend Cheated.

[Draper]

Yeah I'm a university student, just started back on my second year. I have a pretty easy schedule so I still have a lot of time on my hands which kind of sucks, but my birthday is coming up next week and I'll be legal then (I'm Canadian) so I'll probably start hitting the bars with friends.

 

Being in school is kind of depressing me now because last year I had such a routine with her.. My university is only 45 mins away from home and I have a car so I can travel whenever I want despite having a place here. My ex works back home so last year I'd finish classes for the day and get my car and drive home. Sometimes not until late at night, just so we could sleep beside each other. Just 3 weeks ago the plan was that I'd get started at school and she'd move down with me as soon as she found a job. Hell, I even went with her as she passed out resumes and applications. That's how quick it all changed.

 

I'm on Xbox one.

[sbk24]

I am also going to back to University next week. If you don't mind me asking but did she cheat or is she already seeing someone else?

 

We just have to keep thinking we deserve better, someone who will actually appreciate us.

[Draper]

Good for you, focus on the studies is a good way to distract. I can't say for sure she's seeing someone else, but I think so. She might not want to be with someone else but she definitely wants to go wild and do what she wants.

 

Yeah I try to remind myself that someone who walked out in an instant after everything I did for her isn't worth my time grieving about. I was a good man and I treated her like gold, I guess at this point she lacks the emotional capacity to see that. I'm not cocky but I know in this case she is the one who will lose and be hurt in the end,.

[thejabberwocky]

It will be hard. I keep forgetting that my ex and I broke up and going to text him. We spoke every day for 6 years! But it's for the best, and for your sanity.

 

 

At this point, you're trying to fill the time during NC, because after 60 days, it should be a lot less painful. Make a list of books you want to read, movies to watch, goals to accomplish, etc. Pick up a new hobby. You're basically running out the clock bc time is all that can help with this kind of heartache. But IT DOES help. Don't think you'll feel this way forever.

 

When my high school bf cheated on me after a year together, I was so heartbroken. I couldn't get over it, I was obsessed with him. I spent the next 1.5 years getting back together and breaking up with him. I could not get past his betrayal. I thought I could change him. I thought nothing would ever make me feel better, but eventually, I was so miserable with our arrangement (and felt so pathetic) that I finally went NC. And that's when I started seeing him as he truly was and I realized I didn't really like him very much. He wasn't a good person. Somehow, NC had taken the sting out of it and I didn't feel emotionally attached anymore. I walked away and met my most current ex.

 

That guy did try to get me back, a couple months after NC. I had zero interest and it was actually very satisfying to deny him, when I had once been so pathetic and followed him around. We're from a small town as well, so I still hear about him. He's cheated on every gf he's had since and at least once a year, he'll call me trying to get us back together. I dodged a bullet, too!

 

NC will help you through this! Stay strong!

[purpledooze]

I'm going to share the experience and POV of someone who's been in her shoes somewhat.

 

I met my first boyfriend in college. He was handsome, nice, smart, comes from a wealthy family. He was there for me when my parents split, when I had to drop out of college because I couldn't afford to anymore. We were together for 4 years. During which I managed to land a good job and worked my way up to senior management.

 

I had everything going for me. Career. Relationship. Friends. Colleagues who respected me. Our relationship seemed to perfect. One of those "sure" things people talk about. I even thought we'd get married someday.

 

I started feeling "it" on our 4th year. Friends and family would tease me asking when the wedding would be. That our kids would be cute. Add to that the fact that since I travel a lot due to work now, he would call me everyday that I'm out of town to "check up on me." He'd call me his "princess." He'd make me breakfast. Drive me to work. Basically at some point I felt smothered. And I felt that this can't be as good as it gets. The next step was to settle down, start a family, grow old.

 

But I stayed in the relationship because I felt it was the right thing to do. I was supposed to be loyal. And maybe this was just a blip in our relationship.

 

This feeling caused me great stress at work and at home. It reached a point where I quit my job because I wanted to move to a different city. I met new friends and started becoming interested in another man who encouraged me to apply for a job in a big city. I never took my relationship with that man to the next level because I had to be loyal to my boyfriend. When I quit my job, my boyfriend was disappointed at my "reckless" decision and broke up with me.

 

I cried for one night only. The next day he came back and tried to take me back but I told him the truth: I felt more relieved about the breakup than devastated. We had sex, but I just didn't feel it anymore. I let him go. He came back a week after and cried outside my door. I cried too. Letting go of your first relationship sucks. But the relationship for me was already turning into a "leash." I started going out, partying, learned how to put makeup on, traveled after the breakup. People thought it was just a phase. Friends assured my ex I'd be back after the phase was over. My mom assured him I'd be back. But it wasn't a phase. It was me deciding to take a different path in life.

 

Yes I was selfish. But I was staying in our relationship for the wrong reason. Because of the security, the normality, because I was expected to be loyal.

 

I never regretted breaking up with him. People say that once a girl experiences GIGS, someday they come back. Five years later, I was single again. He invited me to dinner to catch up. He admitted he was waiting for me all this time we had no contact. I told him the truth: that I don't want him back and he deserves to be with someone who wants to settle down with him.

 

Even after I got my heart recently broken, I don't consider my first boyfriend as one of my "options."

[Draper]

That's a helpful insight and I think it's probably similar to what my ex is feeling (not to hijack sbk's thread). Hell, her mom even told me the same thing, the she'd come back to me. I think there's a 50/50 chance she comes back, but the odds of me getting back with her if she does are much smaller than that.

[purpledooze]

Addendum:

 

What really sealed the deal for me after we broke up was how he acted. I still loved him. It wasn't the begging that turned me off. It was because he somehow played victim too much.

 

I told him about the man I was developing feelings for but I gave my rationale: I was feeling vulnerable towards him because he was supportive of my decision to switch jobs and move. My ex interpreted this to mean I was emotionally cheating on him before the breakup. And this is what he told our common friends and even my mom.

 

Also, he told our close friends that "he should've knocked me up" so that I wouldn't leave. What he didn't know was that even if that happened, I still would've pursued my decision.

 

He felt that I owe it to him to stay and try because he's done so much for me and treated me well. He told my mom I didn't appreciate his efforts. As a matter of fact, I did appreciate his efforts. I just couldn't reciprocate them the way he wants me too. I wanted to be single and independent and unattached.

[purpledooze]

That's a helpful insight and I think it's probably similar to what my ex is feeling (not to hijack sbk's thread). Hell, her mom even told me the same thing, the she'd come back to me. I think there's a 50/50 chance she comes back, but the odds of me getting back with her if she does are much smaller than that.

 

My advice is don't wait on her. But if you feel that you really do love her, move on but don't let go. My ex waited for me for 5 years despite me insisting I really dont want to pursue a relationship with him anymore - thinking it was just a phase. I've met better guys, worse guys, but it never crossed my mind to get back with him. My friends and family, until now, keep telling me: "You had a good thing going with Xxxx," "if you had married him, you wouldn't be heartbroken now," "if you hadn't left xxx, you'd probably be happy now." On my end, if I had settled, I may be secure now, but I doubt I'd be happy. He deserves better than a one-sided relationship. It wasn't because I was a commitment phobe; I just didn't want to be committed to him at the time.

[sbk24]

Thank you for your POV it was very interesting and good to see a view from the other side.

 

I think with me it is very different as I know 100% that I cannot get back with her due to her cheating and the way she has done things. As I will be secure and I can honestly I deserve better.

 

Do not get me wrong, after 8 years I will probably always love her but at the same time I hate her. Hopefully that will go overtime and I will not hold a grudge, it just seems the only way to cope at the minute.

 

Draper how are you getting on?

[Draper]

It's going, slowly but it's going. The worst is at night going to bed. I'm not really 'missing' her that much at this point, but keep wondering things like whats going on with this other guy, what was a lie and what wasn't.

 

Like you said, I love the hell out of her and probably always will despite there being a part of me that is 'very angry' with her. I don't know, sometimes I catch myself hoping she comes back despite knowing it's for the best if she doesn't.

[sbk24]

Thanks good my friend. Everytime I feel like I am getting somewhere I always get set back. Like today was going great then I get a message from friends who didn't know that we had broken up that it was Facebook official of my ex and her new lover.

 

I just found this completely disrespectful and that there is no need. They could have done this privately. I am in NC and I have blocked them and their close friends but it is such a small town it is so hard. I just feel like I'm stuck in a hole!

[Draper]

Thanks good my friend. Everytime I feel like I am getting somewhere I always get set back. Like today was going great then I get a message from friends who didn't know that we had broken up that it was Facebook official of my ex and her new lover.

 

I just found this completely disrespectful and that there is no need. They could have done this privately. I am in NC and I have blocked them and their close friends but it is such a small town it is so hard. I just feel like I'm stuck in a hole!

 

Jesus man, you sure we wain't the same person? 20 minutes ago I made the mistake of logging onto facebook. The 'other guy' has changed his profile picture to a photo of the two of them (him and my ex) at some event this past weekend. It really sinks in when you see something like that.

 

I'm also in a small town, so it's hard to eliminate everything. Seeing that just made it so real - I actually got left for someone else. Worst feeling in the world.

[goodguy1]

Thank you so much for the advice and support. I actually do agree with Diezel, that I have dodged a bullet as I guess it would be much worse if we were married and have kids etc.

 

I just keep dwelling on to what kind of person she has turned into in only a matter of weeks. I just know its not her and surely it cannot be possible to change completely just like that?

 

We do have friends in common and they all have said that she is changed and it is just awkward now between them as they do not know what to say.

 

I have been in NC for a few days now and oh my gosh it is extremely difficult. Over the 8 years, I cannot remember one day I have not spoken to her. It is fascinating how attached we can become to people and things.

 

Thank you all for supporting me as it honestly does help talking.

 

Hey my friend i am going through the exact same thing you are going through and its only been about a month since it happened to me and its not something thats going to be easy to get over. I was with my gf for 5 1/2 years and i was going to propose to her last month when i found pictures and messages of her cheating on me and carrying on a relationship with someone she had just met. I was blinded and forgave her and tried to work it out and literally within a week she cheated again and left me for the guy. My ex turned into someone i didn't even know anymore and keep in mind this just happened and i graduated from college and haven't been able to even find the passion to pursue my career right now.

 

I know you still love your ex like i love mine and its not going to go away overnight, i still wish she'd wake up and realize what a mistake she made and that she'd come back to me but all that wishing and hoping is doing is keeping me from healing. The one thing we both need to realize is the women we fell in love with all those years ago died. They no longer exist and we no longer know the women they are anymore. She chose another guy over you like mine chose over me and I'm going to tell you something and i hope you take it to heart. You are no ones second choice! Never settle for that. You deserve to be with someone who will treat you right and respect you enough to be honest with you. You deserve to have someone who will be faithful to you like you were to your ex. We're at a time in our lives when we're at rock bottom and thats great because the only way we can go from here is up. We both have so much of our lives to live, explore, and find love again so do all the things you never thought you'd be able to do with you ex.

 

NC is one of the hardest things you will ever experience in your life and it takes extreme will power and I'm on week 3 and what i find that helps is anytime i feel like talking to her i either post on here or i call a close friend or my brother and talk to them about how I'm feeling. Doing that and distracting yourself from making that call, text, or email to her will do wonders for you and help you from future pain.

 

Cheating isn't a mistake its a choice. I've been completely hammered drunk to where i was blacking out and i still managed to remain faithful to my ex. Being drunk is no excuse, there is absolutely no excuse to cheat. She had a choice to cheat on you and she could have stopped herself and could have been honest to you but she chose not to and chose to cheat. It sucks to hear but its the truth.

 

My ex kept hanging out with this guy and i told her i was really uncomfortable with her hanging out with him and she kept telling me he was gay but I'm not a stupid and felt like she tried insulting my intelligence. When i saw the messages between them the whole "he's gay" thing was their way of seeing each other and they planned on keeping their relationship secret for months until they felt they we're ready until i blew the lid off of the situation. They painted me out to be the bad guy in the end when all i did was remain faithful and ask her family for permission to propose. This has definitely not been easy for me to get over and i still have dreams of her and flashbacks of the images of them too but I'm working on it. Find ways to distract yourself, go to concerts, hangout with your friends and family, and above all be spontaneous (doesn't mean go and sleep with every girl in sight) <--- you might not even be ready to talk to another girl in a sexual way, but like myself after all this happened i decided that i'm not going to let her and the cheating stop me from living my life so I planned a trip for myself and will be going to New Zealand and Europe next year (still gotta save up) but i am determined to go on that trip.

 

Keep this in mind "The best revenge is massive success." So go live life, be successful and maybe one day it'll drive her crazy that you're happy and experiencing so many things without her but if that ever does happen it'll be at a time in your life when you moved on. It'll only takes one great experience in life to allow us to find happiness within ourselves and the world so go find your great experience.

[bubbaganoosh]

What you have to do is take control of your own life. Don't worry about hers and her problems. You have enough on your plate as it is.

 

Look. she took your heart but you can't let anyone take your self respect. If some guy tells you that he saw her with another guy then tell him that it's the other guys problem now but don go running and hiding. You didn't do anything wrong she did.

 

Make yourself a better person. If she has some of your personal items at her place go get them but leave the rest of the gifts not matter how expensive they were because all they will do is bring back memories and you want to move forward not back. Focus on yourself.

[sbk24]

Wow goodguy1, it does look like you, Draper and myself are going through similar situations.

 

I have read your post a few times as every time i have read it, it makes me feel stronger and everything you have put seems so true.

 

Obviously yesterday was a bad day due to people telling me it was "officially on facebook" that she was in a relationship with a new guy. I found this disrespectful and heartless. However, at the end of the day it was going to hit me anyway. So better off now whilst I am at my lowest. Now I think to myself nothing else can get any worse (touch wood, unless she all of a sudden got pregnant or engaged, which is unlikely). It just seems like every time I seem to progress I get pushed back by a stupid mistake she does.

 

Today was a weird day. I had to drop off belongings and sign some paperwork to close our joint account. I saw her and I felt numb, just I could tell she was not the same person I fell in love with and that the person I did fall in love with had died. The ex looked different, as if she was on drugs, she dressed differently and even talked differently. It felt weird but it felt like closure as she has become a person who I detest and do not want to know anymore.

 

I do struggle still as I get flashbacks of the best memories. However, it is more like a grieving process I am guessing. We DO deserve better and we do not deserve to be hurt no longer.

[goodguy1]

Wow goodguy1, it does look like you, Draper and myself are going through similar situations.

 

I have read your post a few times as every time i have read it, it makes me feel stronger and everything you have put seems so true.

 

Obviously yesterday was a bad day due to people telling me it was "officially on facebook" that she was in a relationship with a new guy. I found this disrespectful and heartless. However, at the end of the day it was going to hit me anyway. So better off now whilst I am at my lowest. Now I think to myself nothing else can get any worse (touch wood, unless she all of a sudden got pregnant or engaged, which is unlikely). It just seems like every time I seem to progress I get pushed back by a stupid mistake she does.

 

Today was a weird day. I had to drop off belongings and sign some paperwork to close our joint account. I saw her and I felt numb, just I could tell she was not the same person I fell in love with and that the person I did fall in love with had died. The ex looked different, as if she was on drugs, she dressed differently and even talked differently. It felt weird but it felt like closure as she has become a person who I detest and do not want to know anymore.

 

I do struggle still as I get flashbacks of the best memories. However, it is more like a grieving process I am guessing. We DO deserve better and we do not deserve to be hurt no longer.

 

 

I'm glad my post and my story helped you in whatever way it did. I completely understand about how the Facebook thing made you feel. I get text and messages from people till this day telling me about my ex and her new "BF" and how their relationship says they got together before she even left me. Them showing the world that their in a new relationship is disrespectful to us because they're essentially discarding us like we never mattered to them and showing the world that they're "happier" with someone else.

 

Don't worry about being pushed back, it happens, this isn't an easy thing to go through. Take it as a take one step forward two step backwards kind of process. Once we accept what has happened and begin to find what makes us happy then we'll be able to move on a lot quicker. And your ex is essentially a different person because you really don't know her anymore just like i don't know mine. My ex completely changed and became more of an alcoholic when she got back from her time abroad (a week before everything went down) and she used to be someone who despised drinking because members of her family have suffered from extreme alcohol abuse, she talked differently, had a different sense of humor, and in a way she became a lot dumber or naive for a better sense of the word.

 

The flashbacks will come and go, i still think of the good times but i mostly get flashbacks of the images i found of her and the other guy and they've been slowly eating away at me but you're right this is a grieving process because we are mourning for a life we wanted to have and a love that we have loss. Take some time to yourself and heal and i assure you one day sooner or later we're both going to find someone who deserves us. Keep in touch i'd like to hear how you progress through this stage of your life and it honestly helps me a lot talking to people who are going through the same thing i am.

[Draper]

Yep, it sounds like the 3 of us are pretty much in the same boat. Goodguy, your posts provided a lot of good insight. I'm impressed with how well your dealing with it just a month after it ended, you got a lot of strength and you should be proud of that.

 

Yesterday when I saw the picture of my ex and her new 'friend' on facebook, it was probably the lowest I've been. Everything became more real, almost like reality finally overtook the denial I was going through. You know what though? Today I feel better because, like goodguy said, the I girl I fell in love with is dead. Gone. Don't know how or why, but she isn't the same person anymore. The quicker we come to grips with the fact that she isn't the same, the quicker we move on.

 

They chose to cheat and lie to us. Nothing can excuse that. It's hard but you just you have to tell yourself you deserve better and let go. A lot of the time I wonder how she could say she loved me or tell me she see's a future with me, but as time goes by the more I start to accept that I'll never understand how or why she did what she did. Hell, she might not even due to her immaturity and general naiveness.

 

I get the flashbacks a lot of the time too. The worst is probably in the car, I'll be driving and I'll just start thinking of a time we drove down that road. Or I'll picture her curled up sleeping while I drive. They're vivid and they hurt, but they will fade.

 

At the end of the day we had this image of who she was and the life we wanted to live alongside her. That image was our compass. It's as if she came and torched that image, and now we have to find our own way back on track. I'd like to keep in touch with the two of you as well, it does make things a lot easier.

Edited September 22, 2015 by Draper

[Draper]

Oh and about the Facebook stuff - I agree sbk, it really disturbs me that they have such little respect for us that they put all that crap on facebook so quickly. Obviously they're free to do what they want but you would think if they had any ounce of love for you or remorse for what happened they would be a little more discreet.

[sbk24]

People keep saying just do the stuff you really enjoy, at this moment in time I really do not enjoy anything as everything just seems grey. I used to enjoy making money but even now it just hasn't got the same type of feeling and my heart and soul is not into it.

 

However, we just have to wait and just brave everyday. I really did not understand depression or heartbreak before but it is really there and not a nice thing at all.

 

How are both you actually coping? Do you feel like you are making progress?

[goodguy1]

People keep saying just do the stuff you really enjoy, at this moment in time I really do not enjoy anything as everything just seems grey. I used to enjoy making money but even now it just hasn't got the same type of feeling and my heart and soul is not into it.

 

However, we just have to wait and just brave everyday. I really did not understand depression or heartbreak before but it is really there and not a nice thing at all.

 

How are both you actually coping? Do you feel like you are making progress?

 

Hey the things you enjoyed are most likely not going to seem fun because they're probably things you did with her which is understandable.

 

I have my good days and my bad days with coping todays actually a good day which is amazing cause i really needed it. I feel like i am making progress with NC and what i felt has helped me is i tend to go on long walks while blasting music i could call my own through my headphones. It's relaxing and just clears my head for however long I'm doing it. Try learning something new also, i just took up guitar lessons so thats interesting and i have been helping a close friend of mine out with a falling out in her relationship.

 

Everyone has their own way of coping you just need to try different thing until you find something that takes her off your mind. Hell find a tv show that you haven't watched with her and binge watch it, it will do wonders because you'll feel like it belongs to you if that makes sense.

[Draper]

I know what you mean man

 

Everything I do lately reminds me if her in some way. Even something as simple as playing video games can remind me of her.

 

I'm having a lot of ups and downs. I feel like I'm making a bit of progress but very slow. Like I'm feeling alright now but I know the hurt will come back tonight when its quiet, and im still pretty shook up after seeing that photo yesterday.

 

How are you doing man? Do you feel like your climbing out of the hole? If nothing else take comfort in the fact this likely the most pain we will experience for a long long time.

[sbk24]

I have my ups and downs like u both too. I try to keep my schedule busy every day with University, work and seeing friends and family. However, it is draining me of money and to be honest I am tired, but if I am alone your mind wonders.

 

I do think I am getting out the hole very slowly. It does take time believe me. What I found that works is writing down what they have done to hurt us and their flaws. Then I write down what I supposedly deserve. It helps reading it when you feel down as it brings you back to reality instead of feeling for that last bit of hope that we all desire.

 

I do believe that now I am having less bad days and I am having better days. However, mornings are still a struggle as I still get nightmares which i cannot seem to get rid of.

[EgoJoe]

Make new memories and realize that the betrayal, selfishness, shoddy rationale and dishonesty you experienced is typical behavior for females under thirty.

 

You have to check any of this behavior and be ready, willing and able to walk sooner or it will keep happening.

 

Take this time to learn about Emotions, Women and what other Men have gone through.

 

Find yourself without lying to others.

Edited September 22, 2015 by EgoJoe

[Draper]

I have my ups and downs like u both too. I try to keep my schedule busy every day with University, work and seeing friends and family. However, it is draining me of money and to be honest I am tired, but if I am alone your mind wonders.

 

I do think I am getting out the hole very slowly. It does take time believe me. What I found that works is writing down what they have done to hurt us and their flaws. Then I write down what I supposedly deserve. It helps reading it when you feel down as it brings you back to reality instead of feeling for that last bit of hope that we all desire.

 

I do believe that now I am having less bad days and I am having better days. However, mornings are still a struggle as I still get nightmares which i cannot seem to get rid of.

 

It is tiring man. I'm in the same situation with University, and let me tell you getting up for class in the morning isn't easy when a part of you feels like there isn't anything to get up for. You know what I mean? I just try to remind myself it has to get better from here.

 

Mornings and nights are tough. I have a really hard time sleeping. I hate that she can effect me right down to a basic necessity like sleep honestly.

[sbk24]

Yes Draper, I completely understand what you mean. This morning I woke up and felt like I honestly did not want to live.

 

I think my main problem is the sleep as obviously sleep plays a big part of how we function. I keep getting nightmares and it is honestly chipping away at me every night.

 

I have tried sleep pills and anti anxiety meds. I have also tried natural remedies but none of them seem to help.