Affair with an older married man

[Depressedcanadian]

Hi everyone, I am a married 27 year old and I had an affair (lasted 3 months) with a married 49 year old who is in a very senior position at the place I work at. Basically it started with innocent emailing from his part one day which led us to exchange phone #'s and we started texting ALOT. This texting started in June. Then he was off for a lot of the summer - 5 weeks; we continued texting and went for a few drives during my lunch hours (I was still working when he was off for the summer). Fast forward to August and his coming back to work during one of our lunch drives somehow we ended up making out. Soon things progressed and he was at a conference and said he cannot concentrate; drove the whole night came back to the city we both live in a asked to see me the next day - he did not go home - went to a motel instead. So things progressed from there; we became physical and I was with him twice. The second time a day before my birthday in early Sep; after we are together he starts crying and telling me he feels incredibly guilty and fears he is setting an awful example for his kids (he has 3 kids; I have none). He tells me I am somehow able to separate 'Us' and our realities; but he isn't and feels this cannot go on. So we drive back and it is over obviously. This was on sept 4 since then he has initiated no contact - I have texted him a few times during this time when it becomes to hard to deal with and I miss him a lot.

Now a little about my husband - he is the most amazing, caring guy who loves me a lot. We have been together 10 years and married for 5. We had never been intimate though; I had never been with anyone before we got married since I wanted to wait; and after whenever we tried he couldn't perform since he said it was too much pressure on him. Anyways, somehow we never got to being intimate. I let this OM know my situation and he said he will support me and totally take care of me; and he really did. Now I am so so depressed - from texting, talking on the phone every morning going to work and leaving from work, being together during lunch a few times a week and being intimate with him twice it has gone to no contact from his side. I haven't texted him since yesterday (Tuesday) either. I did kind of go looking for him on last Friday and 'bumped' into him and he asked me how school was (I am taking some classes) and he seemed so happy and relieved which really bothered me as well; since i did not think I was so attached to him but apparently i am. Today again I tried bumping into him but talked myself out of it.

I do want to stay with my husband; since i know I love him a lot too and since breaking up with the OM - I have tried and initiate being intimate with him again (I had stopped 2 years ago since it never 'worked'; but obviously since I had been with someone else it worked with my husband now. However, I did not feel attracted and connected to him like I did to this OM. I find myself checking my phone constantly like an idiot hoping he has texted. I feel guilty, depressed, used, dishonest, stupid. I really really want to get over this OM - and want to not throw up every time I see him at work. And I want to be attracted to my husband. I am trying to initiate intimacy with him often and it is working - just doesn't feel right to me though - and I'm worried I'll get pregnant for all the wrong reasons as well. Please help

Edited September 16, 2015 by Depressedcanadian

[Got it]

Depressed, have you and your husband sought therapy/medical help for his issues? I can't imagine a marriage that has never had sex in it. I am sure there are some that exist but it would hard to maintain and continue to thrive. Did you know about these issues with him prior to marriage?

 

I am not sure what to advise you as I am not sure what you are trying/able to save here. Mourning the affair will take time and you may want to seek an IC to help with it and your marriage.

 

I am sorry you are in pain and hope you find some peace.

[GorillaTheater]

I let this OM know my situation and he said he will support me and totally take care of me; and he really did.

 

Even though the above is just one sentence you posted out of many, I think it may be the most important sentence.You're in a sexless marriage, and thought the OM was an escape hatch. Now that he's gone, maybe you feel trapped again, that you have to reconnect with your husband because you no longer have options.

 

Thing is, you do. A sexless marriage is a perfectly legitimate reason to divorce, and you are your own escape hatch. Approach this with dignity and integrity and make a life you can be proud of.

[warshaw]

whenever we tried he couldn't perform since he said it was too much pressure on him.

 

Why is he so pressured by sex?

 

Was the matter ever addressed in ways other than him saying he felt too pressured, and you saying "ok maybe we will try again another time"?

 

Did you ever wonder why hubby is so pressured by something that millions of men do every day and actually find it as a means to RELIEVE pressure?

[Depressedcanadian]

It was a sexless marriage - no longer is. Since the breakup I iniated sex once again and this time it worked for my husband - which gave him confidence I suppose. So we are having sex fairly regularly since the breakup with the OM. My dilemma is I still miss the OM and know fully well there is no future with him since he is a lot older and has kids. I want to forget the 3 months of this OM and feel happy and normal again. I am usually a very positive person and this is just making me depressed and I feel like I cannot focus on anything except missing this OM

[Depressedcanadian]

He had some family issues to begin with and talking to my counsellor this Monday I also think since I was a virgin he was afraid of hurting me - I know makes no sense at all. But that is how it was. Yes we consulted a doctor - who did all the tests and basically said it was in the husbands head and only he could fix that. So am not sure what the answer is there. That is however no longer the case since sep 4 since I iniated contact again and we have been regular after that.

[Got it]

Okay, so, my honest answer? If you want to stay married I would confess to the affair. If you are not looking to divorce then I do think transparency is absolutely in order and you should tell him so you two can work through it. If not it will be a barrier between you two. Talk to your counselor about, tell them about the affair, and seek their guidance as well.

[Depressedcanadian]

I just had one appt with my counsellor yet on Monday. My next isn't till next Wednesday (a week from today); I will discuss the confession theory with her then. However whatever I have read online so far seems to suggest that dumping ur guilty conscience onto an unsuspecting partner maybe a selfish thing to do . I do not want to leave my husband and do not want to see him get hurt. I just want to forget this OM and the past 3 months and reset my brain

[Got it]

I just had one appt with my counsellor yet on Monday. My next isn't till next Wednesday (a week from today); I will discuss the confession theory with her then. However whatever I have read online so far seems to suggest that dumping ur guilty conscience onto an unsuspecting partner maybe a selfish thing to do . I do not want to leave my husband and do not want to see him get hurt. I just want to forget this OM and the past 3 months and reset my brain

 

But you can't. Yes that is definitely one line of thinking. It will be up to you. But I think you can see how it is very hard for you to be committed to this moment of time with your husband as your OM continues to be forefront in your mind.

 

Talk to the therapist and get their advice. I am not sure how well people recommit with out confessing, maybe google some other sites/resources to see. I think most will advise to confessing. If you choose not to confess you need to really start focusing on your husband and really focusing on the relationship. Is he open to MC?

[Depressedcanadian]

My therapist told me in my first session 'an affair is like an addiction' and it'll take time for it to pass; but just keep with no/little contact and it'll pass. I do not know what to think/feel anymore. I absolutely know there is no future with the OM and my husband and I have worked to build a home over the past 5 years (yes there was no sex, but I really love him and cannot bear to break his heart). I know I will never 'forget' what I have done. But I need to find a way to move past it and stop thinking about this OM. He seems to have done it perfectly well since whenever I have seen him around work (which isn't often; since we work in different areas) he has seemed perfectly normal, happy, relieved while I am struggling

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm a little bit confused on the part about the sexless marriage. If I am reading your posting accurately, you did not have sex prior to marriage and then were unable to consummate the marriage because your husband couldn't perform. Now, 5 years into the marriage, you approached him to initiate sex and he was able to perform? did you talk with him about what was different this time? Why is he able to perform regularly now when before he felt pressure?

[Depressedcanadian]

Yes he will be open to MC however without a valid reason as far as he is concerned it'll b awkward to go into couples counselling when I am not sharing

[Depressedcanadian]

I think as I talked to my counsellor we thought it was because he didn't want to hurt me. We did try - it just never happened properly (If that term makes sense). And now since I have been with the OM - he is able to since my being a virgin is no longer an issue (he doesn't suspect - coz we have tried before)

[Got it]

Yes he will be open to MC however without a valid reason as far as he is concerned it'll b awkward to go into couples counselling when I am not sharing

 

To work on deepening and strengthening your marriage. But if there are actually no other issues (which seems to be a high level of disconnect) not sure how you would handle it. I am just questioning the level of intimacy between the two of you.

[Got it]

I think as I talked to my counsellor we thought it was because he didn't want to hurt me. We did try - it just never happened properly (If that term makes sense). And now since I have been with the OM - he is able to since my being a virgin is no longer an issue (he doesn't suspect - coz we have tried before)

 

But he didn't know you weren't a virgin any longer as he doesn't know about the affair. Right? So he thinks he took your virginity...

 

Hasn't he every wanted to discuss with you your feelings on no sex in the marriage? No emotions, conversations, etc tied to that? Have you ever been honest to him about your dissatisfaction with it?

[Depressedcanadian]

There never was any intimacy between us during the past 5 years; other than that we were a normal couple. I know intimacy is a big part of a relationship and we did talk about it off and on but it never just happened. I really don't know how we went without having sex after being married 5 years. Extremely bizarre but that is how it was. So the very first time we 'tried' I bled (sorry TMI) but the act was never completed - he stopped; so yes he thinks he is the first one to b with me (which technically I guess is true); but I also bled a fair bit with the OM and he actually finished (so it was a complete act). I know everyone seems to b focusing on this lack of intimacy - which seems to b why I was with the OM; but I was ok with no sex - I was happy with my husband until I connected such a lot with the OM and now to disconnect from him is what I am struggling with.

[Grapesofwrath]

I think as I talked to my counsellor we thought it was because he didn't want to hurt me. We did try - it just never happened properly (If that term makes sense). And now since I have been with the OM - he is able to since my being a virgin is no longer an issue (he doesn't suspect - coz we have tried before)

 

Did you lose your virginity to the OM? Since your H doesn't know about your A, how does he know you were no longer a virgin? I don't mean to sound judgmental, so please accept this remark in the spirit in which it is intended: When a man takes a woman's virginity--especially if they are married and have been trying unsuccessfully to have intercourse for years--I would think this would be a reason to talk intimately about sexuality. It's a big deal. It doesn't sound like you and your husband have open communication on that topic.

 

Also, may I inquire where you live and the cultural context of your marriage? You may have cultural mores that are different than many of us here.

[Depressedcanadian]

I'm Canadian and live in Canada - but i still was one of those who wanted to wait till I got married to lose it. Anyways so I'm not sure who took it since I bled a bit both times (with my husband and I trying for the first time - and after that it was more kissing and playing around - he never really tried to enter again; and I also bled with the OM; but that was a complete act and happened multiple times over 2 different occasions). I understand the questions in regards to this; But I am looking for a way to get over and heal with regards to this OM. My husband and I talked about this over the years - but u r right it was usually me prodding and he avoiding he topic - just saying it'll happen when it does and it is not the most imp aspect of a relationship.

[Depressedcanadian]

Also I have been with my husband for 10 years - we dated for 5 before getting married, we met when we were 18 and since I never wanted to before we got married he was ok to wait. And after somehow things ended up being a mess. I should mention here his parents didn't really like me before we got married - and we eloped; so that disapproval plus the fear of hurting me (acc to my therapist) were his fears I think

[ShatteredLady]

The OM knew you were a virgin. Took your virginity & dumped you!

 

I know it's all really confusing & watching a MM shed crocodile tears can be very powerful. Focus on my first line. Think about the difference between his words & actions. For some guys taking a woman's virginity is a big one on the fantasy list. I don't understand it but I know it exists.

 

Take care of yourself. Let the fog clear & try to see the truth.

[oldshirt]

My advice is to defer the disclosure to H for now and keep riding your H like a stolen horse.

 

You were in a sexless marriage for a decade (which is a whole other issue) and when you hooked up with OM you were flooded with all those horny feel-good hormones.

 

Those hormones are telling you that the OM is the man for you, but those hormones are like a drug and people's brains don't work right on those hormones/drugs.

 

And of course your OM was better in the sack as your H just had sex for the first time in a decade.

 

But if you keep doing it, he will get better and eventually he will give some orgasms and then you'll get hormones for him that flush out your OM hormones.

 

If you disclose your affair now, it will shake up your H so bad he'll never touch you again and he'll never get it up again. His confidence will be shot so bad he'll never be able to perform.

 

Most of the people on this board have been cheated on before and have a passionate belief that BS' s always need to know the full truth. The reason they need to know the full truth is so they can decide whether to kick the WS to the curb or not.

 

If you disclose at this juncture, your H skill go back to being a timid limpy boy afraid of his own shadow and you will be 100% guarenteed of never having a happy, healthy marriage with him, whether that be by divorce, or him going back to countless years as a eunuch.

 

If you want to divorce him now and move on, that's your prerogative and in many ways may be the "right" thing to do.

 

But if you want to stay married for now and want to try to work things out with your H, you will need to keep this to yourself for now.

 

I'm not saying never to disclose, but to defending for now untill you have a more clear head and a better idea of which way you want to go.

 

Right now you have options. If you disclose, you want have options. Your H will go back to being a limpy and may very well divorce you for being an adultress.

[Depressedcanadian]

Well we were together again after the first time he 'took' it. He really is a nice guy! Just feels guilt because of his kids. Anyways my point here is exactly what u mentioned - how long till the fog clears? Any suggestions on how to clear this fog and focus on me and my husband and feel attracted to him like I did with the OM

[Depressedcanadian]

Yes I am not going to disclose for now - maybe not ever. It was my mistake and I need to fix it. What u have suggested is exactly what I have been doing. Being with him and much as we can - almost every night since the break up. I am waiting for this OM fog to clear though - and waiting to forget him and be happy again.

[oldshirt]

I will also offer that you were never attracted to or had any desire for your H. You married him for the comfort and security.

 

The OM was able to flip on your desire switched and activated your horny circuits for the first time. The reason you and your H Have now been able to have sex is you had some leftover horny hormones (thank you OM!!) and that was able to arouse your H enough to get hard and enough to get you wet and loosened up.

 

There is a possibility this newfound sexual energy can continue and grow between the two of you.

 

There are no guarentees of course but if your H can get his sexy on and you can hold on to your mojo long enough to start feeling some attraction and desire for him, this might work.

 

You are both very naive though. I do think you should keep working with your counselor to help sort out all of your issues and maybe come up with some plans on how your H can stimulate your desire more and for you to become more attracted to him.

 

That is why I think you should defer from disclosing the A at this time.

 

IMHO this is one of the rare cases where it's best to let sleeping dogs lay.

 

Many will disagree but this is my opinion and why.

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm Canadian and live in Canada - but i still was one of those who wanted to wait till I got married to lose it. Anyways so I'm not sure who took it since I bled a bit both times (with my husband and I trying for the first time - and after that it was more kissing and playing around - he never really tried to enter again; and I also bled with the OM; but that was a complete act and happened multiple times over 2 different occasions). I understand the questions in regards to this; But I am looking for a way to get over and heal with regards to this OM. My husband and I talked about this over the years - but u r right it was usually me prodding and he avoiding he topic - just saying it'll happen when it does and it is not the most imp aspect of a relationship.

 

I agree that it may not be the MOST important aspect, but it is a key aspect to formulating intimacy with someone. When you are married, and being monogamous, your spouse is the one person on earth with whom you can share this precious, intimate, closeness. If it is fully absent from the relationship, that changes the tone of the connection. If you share it with others, outside the relationship, that also changes things, as many here will attest.

 

Gently put, it makes a lot of sense that you will feel this intimate bond with the OM because you have been sexual with him. To complicate matters further, women usually feel a particular closeness with the "first" so it makes sense that you are hung up on him. These feelings are primarily to do with the physical intimacy you shared, are chemical in nature, and they will evaporate in time if you let them.

 

I would suggest that you have a conversation with your husband about sex. Ask him his feelings on the matter, his likes and dislikes, how you can make it better for him, and then share your feelings as well. Without getting too personal....are you having orgasms with him? Is he with you? This is a big component because during an orgasm is when your brain releases the "bonding" hormone (oxytocin). If you can get that part going, you'll find yourself craving more closeness with your H. Maybe a MC can facilitate this conversation. If the two of you cannot share that level of intimacy, it will be difficult to keep the marriage going for a lifetime.