Affair with an older married man

[oldshirt]

Well we were together again after the first time he 'took' it. He really is a nice guy! Just feels guilt because of his kids. Anyways my point here is exactly what u mentioned - how long till the fog clears? Any suggestions on how to clear this fog and focus on me and my husband and feel attracted to him like I did with the OM

 

My opinion is to keep riding him like a big white horse and take him to PoundTown every day.

 

And it is important for you to have orgasms with him as Grapes has mentioned above. Orgasms fill you full of bonding hormones and will help flush out the OM hormones.

 

Work on what will help you orgasm. I'm assuming since this is the first your H has had sex, he's probably only lasting a short time. You may need some extra stimulation to help help you reach orgasm so he may need to use oral and his fingers etc so you may need to show him how get you off.

 

Vibrators and such may help too.

Edited September 16, 2015 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

And another critical component here is pregnancy. Get a pregnancy test today and if you are negative get some reliable contraception ASAP!!!!!!!!!!

 

Your H is probably squeamish enough that if you get pregnant, he'll be right back to being a limp noodle again.

[Got it]

There never was any intimacy between us during the past 5 years; other than that we were a normal couple. I know intimacy is a big part of a relationship and we did talk about it off and on but it never just happened. I really don't know how we went without having sex after being married 5 years. Extremely bizarre but that is how it was. So the very first time we 'tried' I bled (sorry TMI) but the act was never completed - he stopped; so yes he thinks he is the first one to b with me (which technically I guess is true); but I also bled a fair bit with the OM and he actually finished (so it was a complete act). I know everyone seems to b focusing on this lack of intimacy - which seems to b why I was with the OM; but I was ok with no sex - I was happy with my husband until I connected such a lot with the OM and now to disconnect from him is what I am struggling with.

 

I did not mean intimacy to just mean sex. I mean intimacy in the relationship, a bare bones, transparent, humbling, exposing your deepest darkest secrets and sides, no hold back intimacy. The ability and openness to discuss concerns, likes, dislikes, fears, etc.

[Depressedcanadian]

Thanks for all the advice. I will keep working on it with H

[Got it]

Yes I am not going to disclose for now - maybe not ever. It was my mistake and I need to fix it. What u have suggested is exactly what I have been doing. Being with him and much as we can - almost every night since the break up. I am waiting for this OM fog to clear though - and waiting to forget him and be happy again.

 

Depressed, if you aren't going to disclose really make sure you understand what you did. This wasn't a "mistake" this was a long set of conscious decision that you made to do and say that pulled you away from your marriage instead of bringing it up with your husband and being vulnerable with him. You didn't drop the milk. You engaged in an affair.

 

I hope you see the difference in this. It is one of the most disrespectful thing you can do in a marriage so really own that part. You guys are definitely different than others so I will defer to oldshirt's advice as I really not sure which way to go. Just get to the root of why you did it and how you will make sure you won't do it again.

[Artie Lang]

how long will you keep stringing your husband before telling him you had an affair? it's not really progress if you attend marriage counseling and omit this from your discussions; your whole counselling sessions are basically a sham as long as you withhold this information.

[sandylee1]

My therapist told me in my first session 'an affair is like an addiction' and it'll take time for it to pass; but just keep with no/little contact and it'll pass. I do not know what to think/feel anymore. I absolutely know there is no future with the OM and my husband and I have worked to build a home over the past 5 years (yes there was no sex, but I really love him and cannot bear to break his heart). I know I will never 'forget' what I have done. But I need to find a way to move past it and stop thinking about this OM. He seems to have done it perfectly well since whenever I have seen him around work (which isn't often; since we work in different areas) he has seemed perfectly normal, ushappy, relieved while I am struggling

 

I wouldn't confess, because your husband will just blame himself and his lack of performance. Continue with the therapy and realise that this affair would have terrible consequences for all involved .

 

I IS a bad example for his kids and it could break up his family....don't be a part of that.

[Adoraxx]

I won't comment on your marriage and it being sexless for such a long time, because my marriage has been pretty much sexless as well because of H's performance in bed so to say... It was always over in 1 minute and I got no satisfaction out of it at all so that's when we stopped having sex except for when we wanted a baby... Anyway, like I said, I don't really want to comment on that much.

 

I just wanted to say that I understand how hard it must be for you to see this MM, to see him look all happy and satisfied whereas you are hurting so badly . I know all about that... My (x)MM is much older than me too and he is my neighbor. All I can advise you is to stay away from the MM as far as possible... Don't run into him on purpose because it won't do you any good anyway to see him look so happy if you do run into him...

Otherwise I don't have much advice really... I just hope you'll get over him SOON. I know how difficult that is . Do you think you can avoid the MM completely?

[Depressedcanadian]

Hi Adoraxx, Sorry did not check this post for a while. Was just too overwhelemed with all the suggestions on a confession. Anyways how are you doing? I feel so much for you as well

No, I cannot avoid the OM completely since we work at the same place; we do work in different areas though since he holds an extremely senior position in the place I work. I am still texting the OM off and on . It is so so hard to lay off completely - I find myself making up excuses to text him and then sometimes I will get back normal replies (like everything is ok between us) and then other times I will get one liners back. I feel I am losing confidence in myself and feel like an idiot for finding excuses to text. I hate myself for putting me in a difficult situation where I am being vulnerable to hurt and self doubt. As for my husband - things are ok there; we have sex fairly regularly now. However, needless to say it isn't like it was with the OM. I realize he has about 20-25 years of experience on my husband. I still keep missing the OM it is a little better - but I don't think this feeling will ever completely go away

[Adoraxx]

Hi Adoraxx, Sorry did not check this post for a while. Was just too overwhelemed with all the suggestions on a confession. Anyways how are you doing? I feel so much for you as well

No, I cannot avoid the OM completely since we work at the same place; we do work in different areas though since he holds an extremely senior position in the place I work. I am still texting the OM off and on . It is so so hard to lay off completely - I find myself making up excuses to text him and then sometimes I will get back normal replies (like everything is ok between us) and then other times I will get one liners back. I feel I am losing confidence in myself and feel like an idiot for finding excuses to text. I hate myself for putting me in a difficult situation where I am being vulnerable to hurt and self doubt. As for my husband - things are ok there; we have sex fairly regularly now. However, needless to say it isn't like it was with the OM. I realize he has about 20-25 years of experience on my husband. I still keep missing the OM it is a little better - but I don't think this feeling will ever completely go away

 

Step one: STOP texting him. Stop initiating anything contact with him. I know that's hard but it will truly get easier. If he really wants contact, he knows where to find you... And if he doesn't contact you, it tells you exactly where you stand. Once I stopped initiating texts/ emails it truly took some of the anxiety away. Hugs!!

[Depressedcanadian]

Step one: STOP texting him. Stop initiating anything contact with him. I know that's hard but it will truly get easier. If he really wants contact, he knows where to find you... And if he doesn't contact you, it tells you exactly where you stand. Once I stopped initiating texts/ emails it truly took some of the anxiety away. Hugs!!

 

Yes! I do need to stop texting him

I did it again today - I feel so damn powerless and I have never been like this. I do not know how to stop though - I have tried everything from putting my phone away, to turning it off, to texting a friend

Anyways I guess yes, I have to keep trying!!! I have gone a max of a full day with no texts..Yuck I hate myself for being so reliant on texting this guy!!

Thanks for ur support and words of wisdom!

Hugs to u as well..

[stillafool]

Well we were together again after the first time he 'took' it. He really is a nice guy! Just feels guilt because of his kids. Anyways my point here is exactly what u mentioned - how long till the fog clears? Any suggestions on how to clear this fog and focus on me and my husband and feel attracted to him like I did with the OM

 

As your counselor told you it is going to take time to get over him. One thing is to stop yourself from chasing him. Don't go looking to run into him just to see him. Out of sight, out of mind. Stay focused on your job, not seeing him, and having as much sex as possible with your husband.

[stillafool]

Well we were together again after the first time he 'took' it. He really is a nice guy! Just feels guilt because of his kids. Anyways my point here is exactly what u mentioned - how long till the fog clears? Any suggestions on how to clear this fog and focus on me and my husband and feel attracted to him like I did with the OM

 

They all use the kids as an excuse to stop. The truth is he loves his wife (but he isn't going to tell you that) and even if the kids were grown and out of the house he still wouldn't leave.

[veryhappy]

First off, use condoms, will you? It's unlikely to get pregnant when using contaception correctly all the time.

 

 

Secondly, this guy of yours is an ahole. He just had a good time and now he pretends it never happened. What a low form of life.

 

On the confession idea: no! Men don't get over their women being with someone else, add the virgin layer to it and he'll never shake it off. Confessions are good for men because it sends the wives in a frenzy of desire and rebuilding. Men just don't get over it, read the infidelity forum.

 

Last, do you need the om's phone number in your phone? Burn your bridges! If you do, you will notice a significant change in your addiction to him after one year. Sounds like a long time, but time does what time does...it passes by.

[GunslingerRoland]

You were with your husband for 10 year? 5 of which through marriage and never had sex? How can he blame you for having an affair at that point?

 

What a messed up situation.... you need to be honest and get some marital counseling. Sounds like you and your husband might not be right for each other in the first place though.

[Bendy_willow]

Yes! I do need to stop texting him

I did it again today - I feel so damn powerless and I have never been like this. I do not know how to stop though - I have tried everything from putting my phone away, to turning it off, to texting a friend

Anyways I guess yes, I have to keep trying!!! I have gone a max of a full day with no texts..Yuck I hate myself for being so reliant on texting this guy!!

Thanks for ur support and words of wisdom!

Hugs to u as well..

 

Eek. When I read your intro I almost thought we had the same story. I was 26 and he was 48 and extremely senior in my company. I never slept with him, but we were intimate. Lots of passionate kissing and every now and then I'd let him go down on me. So I think there was some sort of emotional bond from being physical. We texted a bunch, talked on the phone and FaceTime when we were both traveling, and saw each other once a week or so. He is very good with words and showered me with compliments. Even said he loved me and all that good stuff. I was never close to loving him, but I think eventually his words had some sort of effect on me that got me attached. I mean, just because I didn't love him doesn't mean I can't be infatuated with him.

 

We had a good flow going and all seemed under control. Then, I think the flow changed somehow and it wasn't as "easy" to communicate with him. He would take longer to respond and it wasn't like a back and forth flow that I was used to. I then noticed that I started getting anxious and agitated due to this change. In retrospect, I can see why he started distancing himself and was probably starting to feel torn about continuing our A... But irrelevant to my point and I don't care to psychoanalyze him.

 

I know the feeling you have and it sucks. You probably feel very anxious and have extreme highs and lows with his texts. And when you get an unsatisfying text back you probably feel even more anxious and desperate for more. The thing is you can chose to never feel those negative feelings again if you chose to NC. I'm very prideful (not including other feelings of shame and guilt that was affecting me), so I cut him off and made a clean break. I'm also very arrogant in my thoughts - I am the player. I don't get played. And for an old man with a dad bod to even think about playing me and look the fool? B!tch please. Out of your damn mind.

 

All jokes aside, but that should be your attitude. It will be tough for the first week or so but you'll find that with each added day you'll feel determined to continue adding up those days instead of starting back at zero. You'll get the "routine" out of your system and start a new routine without him in your life.

 

I'm one month out of NC and it truly works. I was a sad puppy for weeks 1-2, but now it's whatever. And guess what? It was MY decision. Not his. But MINE. TAKE THE POWER BACK (as well as your dignity). I still think of him, but I definitely don't long for him. I don't even remember what our communication routine was. I just know that when I wake up, get dressed to the T and continue my day like a BO$$ - I think, "I'm always going to be the smart and beautiful one that got away." Needless to say, I'm at a very good place right now and even grew as a person from this experience.

 

I believe in you. Just love yourself so you'll do what's best for you.

[Depressedcanadian]

@stillafool, @cutedragon

 

yes, i feel like a teenager the way I am behaving; finding excuses to text and the such while he doesn't seem to care. makes me feel extremely devalued. i realize after 24 years of marriage he must luv his wife - what i just don't understand if how/why he pursued me and then was with me twice and is done now? can't get into his and justify what he thinks - so will stop trying

for me i just feel like an idiot and cannot believe the way i have been behaving and continue to do so by finding silly excuses to text. will have to keep trying not to text! where is all my willpower!!!

 

well, i am not sure. i almost want to get pregnant to fix this mess? realize it prob is the worst idea in the world; but i don't know what i think anymore..cannot understand what goes on through the OM mind. for example i didn't text him entire day last week tuesday and then he texts me wed evening and most of thursday the day pretending everything is all good and fine.. i mean it wasn't the same as texting before; but it was extremely friendly and teasing.. it almost seems like when he has the time i am his distraction..which i feel horrible being; but when he texts i can't stop myself.. and then i get used to the texting and keep expecting them - which doesn't always happen now.. used to before! he is helping me a bit with school; i am taking some masters classes for which he proof reads my assignments and all (he is at a very very senior level at the place i work) so i do not really want to offend him either.. also which is why can't really get rid of his #.. such a mess i have put myself into

[Depressedcanadian]

Eek. When I read your intro I almost thought we had the same story. I was 26 and he was 48 and extremely senior in my company. I never slept with him, but we were intimate. Lots of passionate kissing and every now and then I'd let him go down on me. So I think there was some sort of emotional bond from being physical. We texted a bunch, talked on the phone and FaceTime when we were both traveling, and saw each other once a week or so. He is very good with words and showered me with compliments. Even said he loved me and all that good stuff. I was never close to loving him, but I think eventually his words had some sort of effect on me that got me attached. I mean, just because I didn't love him doesn't mean I can't be infatuated with him.

 

We had a good flow going and all seemed under control. Then, I think the flow changed somehow and it wasn't as "easy" to communicate with him. He would take longer to respond and it wasn't like a back and forth flow that I was used to. I then noticed that I started getting anxious and agitated due to this change. In retrospect, I can see why he started distancing himself and was probably starting to feel torn about continuing our A... But irrelevant to my point and I don't care to psychoanalyze him.

 

I know the feeling you have and it sucks. You probably feel very anxious and have extreme highs and lows with his texts. And when you get an unsatisfying text back you probably feel even more anxious and desperate for more. The thing is you can chose to never feel those negative feelings again if you chose to NC. I'm very prideful (not including other feelings of shame and guilt that was affecting me), so I cut him off and made a clean break. I'm also very arrogant in my thoughts - I am the player. I don't get played. And for an old man with a dad bod to even think about playing me and look the fool? B!tch please. Out of your damn mind.

 

All jokes aside, but that should be your attitude. It will be tough for the first week or so but you'll find that with each added day you'll feel determined to continue adding up those days instead of starting back at zero. You'll get the "routine" out of your system and start a new routine without him in your life.

 

I'm one month out of NC and it truly works. I was a sad puppy for weeks 1-2, but now it's whatever. And guess what? It was MY decision. Not his. But MINE. TAKE THE POWER BACK (as well as your dignity). I still think of him, but I definitely don't long for him. I don't even remember what our communication routine was. I just know that when I wake up, get dressed to the T and continue my day like a BO$$ - I think, "I'm always going to be the smart and beautiful one that got away." Needless to say, I'm at a very good place right now and even grew as a person from this experience.

 

I believe in you. Just love yourself so you'll do what's best for you.

 

oh gosh thank u so much for this @Bendy_willow.. i cannot believe i fell for someone who could be my dad!!! with the dad bod part - well i fell for him i guess coz he doesn't have that .. he goes to the gym regularly and does have an incredible body even at 49..lol.. and being a man 'aged' really well!!! that is exactly what he did with me.. showered me with all sorts of compliments and sweet words.. i know i do not love him; but i am definitely attracted, attached and infatuated with him.. and i have tried the NC - Last tuesday did not text him at all all day and guess what come wednesday late afternoon i start getting texts from him again which continued in thursday all day including 'naughty' texts.. and when he texts i simply can't resist even though i try.. i tried on Thursday when the naughty texts started and he goes 'ah well my touch isn't what it used to be ' and damn i melt!!!!! and then don't get any texts friday - so i text him and find out he took the day off and went golfing.. we have stopped texting during weekends anyways now (monday was a stat holiday here in canada) so today i just itch to text him and so i did just good morning and stuff to which he was civil but again very stand offish.. the way he flip flops - just drives me crazy; i do not know what to expect! yes, u r right i to be incredibly strong and stop texting..! my problem also stems though when he starts texting once i don't.. ugh what a damn mess.. so ur MM doesn't try and text u once u initiated no contact? i do not want to also offend this guy because of his position and all .. and i cannot avoid him totally since i sometimes need to get in touch with him for work and/or school..

well tomorrow is a new day and i will work again on not texting..!

[Depressedcanadian]

You were with your husband for 10 year? 5 of which through marriage and never had sex? How can he blame you for having an affair at that point?

 

What a messed up situation.... you need to be honest and get some marital counseling. Sounds like you and your husband might not be right for each other in the first place though.

 

well we had sex.. but it was like 4-5 times in 5 years.. and it was more like we tried to have sex but could never make it work! i do not know what the issue was tried talking to him numerous times; seems like he had scared himself up in head me being a virgin; the other issue was i think (he denies) his mom didn't like me..anyways, since the affair though we are fine sexually.. but i cannot get the OM out of my head.. i try; i think it is getting a bit better but the worst is when i am at work and when most of our interaction and texting was.. i do not miss the intimate part with the OM as much as i do the constant connection we had..

yes messed up situation!!! i am in therapy which i am hoping helps me overcome this mess..

well as for being right for each other - he is incredibly supporting and amazing in every other way. and i cannot imagine life without him.. the OM is an infatuation i realize and can never work out anyways (he is 21 years older than me).. i am attracted to this guy's experience, intelligence, charisma etc.. i know all the right things, just have to find it in myself and somehow get back my will power and stop being so dependent on someone else..!

[Depressedcanadian]

They all use the kids as an excuse to stop. The truth is he loves his wife (but he isn't going to tell you that) and even if the kids were grown and out of the house he still wouldn't leave.

 

one of his kids is grown and out.. but the two younger ones are in high school.. anyways, yes i know he likely loves his wife.. he never really said he did not

i just cannot figure out why he pursued me.. he was the one who started the emailing and then the texting.. i avoided it for such a long time; but he would say such flattering things and i fell for it .. and it isn't like the guy isn't attractive which didn't help! anyways for now; i have to find it in myself to stop being obsessed and stop the initiation of texts atleast..

[Depressedcanadian]

First off, use condoms, will you? It's unlikely to get pregnant when using contaception correctly all the time.

 

 

Secondly, this guy of yours is an ahole. He just had a good time and now he pretends it never happened. What a low form of life.

 

On the confession idea: no! Men don't get over their women being with someone else, add the virgin layer to it and he'll never shake it off. Confessions are good for men because it sends the wives in a frenzy of desire and rebuilding. Men just don't get over it, read the infidelity forum.

 

Last, do you need the om's phone number in your phone? Burn your bridges! If you do, you will notice a significant change in your addiction to him after one year. Sounds like a long time, but time does what time does...it passes by.

 

yea; he has no idea! which is why i kept thinking why would i go ahead and confess and hurt him incredibly.. no one at all has any inclination except this OM, me and my therapist.. we were very careful - never showed anything out of the ordinary at work.. so no one ever knew or suspected anything..

[Depressedcanadian]

I wouldn't confess, because your husband will just blame himself and his lack of performance. Continue with the therapy and realise that this affair would have terrible consequences for all involved .

 

I IS a bad example for his kids and it could break up his family....don't be a part of that.

 

yes! exactly my thoughts.. he is incredible in every other way and would blame himself.. and he has no idea at all.. no one does except the OM, me and my therapist.. why would i put him through all the hurt and pain for something I did..

yes, a bad example for his kids is what he told me.. and i am not out to break his family or mess my relationship.. just need to figure a way to stop obsessing.. i was fine before this affair; just need to get back to where i was

[Bendy_willow]

I blocked him so I don't know if he texted or not. And quite frankly, I don't care. The more you engage, the harder it will be for you to get out. Some of these people have been in As for years and years. Think of how much longer it'll take for them to get over it. If you're only a few months then if you get through the initial anxiety and sadness, it'll be very easy afterwards. Aren't you sick of being on this roller coaster on a daily basis?

 

You shouldn't worry about offending him. He's old enough to know what he's doing. He has twice the age on you and probably can smell your ignorance. I think you like his high ranking position at work - I sure did. It felt awesome that I was close with someone above my boss, my boss' boss, my boss' boss' boss, my boss' x3 boss... Shall I continue?

 

But honestly he's using that as leverage. Would you be into him if he was lower on the chain? Like idk, a 40 something still in a cube? You don't need him to help you with school stuff. You can find other mentors who will actually help you and won't take advantage of you sexually (like trying to sext you) because you can learn from anybody around you with slightly more experience. My MM approached me by offering to be my mentor as well. But guess what? In the end it became less about actual mentoring and more about him trying to be all over me. I don't need someone like him to be successful. I can do it on my own without someone dangling a carrot (for success) above my head.

 

You will realize this once you get out of the fog.

[Depressedcanadian]

I blocked him so I don't know if he texted or not. And quite frankly, I don't care. The more you engage, the harder it will be for you to get out. Some of these people have been in As for years and years. Think of how much longer it'll take for them to get over it. If you're only a few months then if you get through the initial anxiety and sadness, it'll be very easy afterwards. Aren't you sick of being on this roller coaster on a daily basis?

 

You shouldn't worry about offending him. He's old enough to know what he's doing. He has twice the age on you and probably can smell your ignorance. I think you like his high ranking position at work - I sure did. It felt awesome that I was close with someone above my boss, my boss' boss, my boss' boss' boss, my boss' x3 boss... Shall I continue?

 

But honestly he's using that as leverage. Would you be into him if he was lower on the chain? Like idk, a 40 something still in a cube? You don't need him to help you with school stuff. You can find other mentors who will actually help you and won't take advantage of you sexually (like trying to sext you) because you can learn from anybody around you with slightly more experience. My MM approached me by offering to be my mentor as well. But guess what? In the end it became less about actual mentoring and more about him trying to be all over me. I don't need someone like him to be successful. I can do it on my own without someone dangling a carrot (for success) above my head.

 

You will realize this once you get out of the fog.

 

You make so much sense! I am honestly going to go back and read your posts here when I get the urge to text him tomorrow. Yes, you are absolutely right; being only a few months in it will be easier. However, having slept with him is making it difficult

Yes, I am attracted to his power for sure I am. Plus he is incredibly intelligent and easy on the eyes for sure . But, you come across people like that on a daily basis and do not end up sleeping with them. I do not really know how this happened! A lot of pursuing on his part for sure; and I obviously just loved all the attention.. I have usually been an incredibly confident person; which is why I am having such a hard time with his so called 'rejection' and also with the fact that I am not able to 'get over' him as easily as I thought I would. Yes, I do have my dad to help me with school and all as well - he is incredible with that stuff as well. I do not think it is entirely possible to totally cut him though - since we work at the same place; and will for atlas another 4 years ; which is when he hopefully retires! For now I just need to somehow find the strength and not initiate the texting and if he does again learn to answer in one liners like he is at the moment. I just feel disgusted at the amount of power he seems to hold over me right now!

[veryhappy]

Why do you mean you can't understand why he persued you? You are young and fresh, and he wanted you. Easy. Men who are in positions of power are very likely to be hyper active sexually. They need to do something with all that monkey testosterone.

 

Now given that he abandoned you it is like he preyed on you. That's why I recommend you block him out of your life. Some guys are only into the conquest, and he ahdyou and he could have you. The interest is gone. He's giving you one liners to keep you calm and not blow his world up, that's all.

You can obsess over him all you want, but you need to understand that for real world purposes he's an opportunistic as and you need him out of your life. You can have good sex with someone else.

but you need to give yourself time to detach, and that requires no contact with him.