Affair with an older married man

[Depressedcanadian]

Why do you mean you can't understand why he persued you? You are young and fresh, and he wanted you. Easy. Men who are in positions of power are very likely to be hyper active sexually. They need to do something with all that monkey testosterone.

 

Now given that he abandoned you it is like he preyed on you. That's why I recommend you block him out of your life. Some guys are only into the conquest, and he ahdyou and he could have you. The interest is gone. He's giving you one liners to keep you calm and not blow his world up, that's all.

You can obsess over him all you want, but you need to understand that for real world purposes he's an opportunistic as and you need him out of your life. You can have good sex with someone else.

but you need to give yourself time to detach, and that requires no contact with him.

 

- Well I do understand on some level. However, what I have trouble understanding is how can someone just turn on/off that way? I am struggling with 'getting over' this guy while he clearly isn't.

So he told me I was the first person outside of his marriage he was with, plus he felt so connected to me and blah blah blah. It really sounded so genuine. I am not sure I understand how people can be that deceitful - if it was indeed that; or he really does just feel guilty.! Another question I always had is why did he feel guilty both times after and not before the sex!

I already do not feel the same for him; but, for me it is a quick slide once I see a text from him that even remotely is close to what we had before. I want to learn to be as stand offish as he is being to gain some kind of self respect and self worth back. I cannot go totally NC as stated before since I work in the same place as him and will for at least another 4 years until he retires..

[S2B]

Married men who cheat lie. They lie a lot to get what they want.

 

At times, after they get what they want = they aren't interested anymore...especially if it gets risky (especially if the OW gets attached and needy).

 

If you had any expectations - he may have decided you weren't the right OW for him.

 

Don't believe he didn't have others throughout his years. He lies, remember?

 

Hopefully you can do your work and cut him out completely from anything personal in your life. That way you make room for an available man.

[Depressedcanadian]

Married men who cheat lie. They lie a lot to get what they want.

 

At times, after they get what they want = they aren't interested anymore...especially if it gets risky (especially if the OW gets attached and needy).

 

If you had any expectations - he may have decided you weren't the right OW for him.

 

Don't believe he didn't have others throughout his years. He lies, remember?

 

Hopefully you can do your work and cut him out completely from anything personal in your life. That way you make room for an available man.

 

I never got needy; I never ever wanted him to leave his family and 3 kids. I wasn't ready to give up my relationship either and had let him know that. I never felt attached or needy until we actually 'broke up'. The issue still remains we have broken up but haven't really. He tells me he is just too busy - very senior position at work plus coaching he does for his kids sports teams; and his wife got diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago which is when we first 'broke up'.. Got back right into in within 3 days; and had sex after this as well.

Anyways, I do not want to continue down this path with him. What I need is to be 'busy' as well when he has the time. He seems perfectly capable of doing this on/off thing while I am not. I do start expecting those daily texts/calls then which happen sometimes and don't other times which confuses the hell out of me and leaves me feeling disgusted and used. Yes, I need to cut him out of personal stuff which I have to an extent; but, I get weak when he goes back to how things were! I am not pathetic, needy usually but I do feel I am behaving that way with this guy which is making me feel worthless!!!

Edited October 14, 2015 by Depressedcanadian

[S2B]

If you simply don't respond at all when he texts - he will get a clear message that you don't intend to participate anymore.

 

Responding tells him you are open to whatever crumbs he offers.

[Depressedcanadian]

If you simply don't respond at all when he texts - he will get a clear message that you don't intend to participate anymore.

 

Responding tells him you are open to whatever crumbs he offers.

 

that is exactly where i am struggling.. learn how 'not to respond'..

[veryhappy]

By NC I mean NC outside the absolutely necessary work interaction. No chit chat, no texts, no fiddling with your hair, no glances, no happy hours, no nothing. To the point, work related, keep moving and better yet avoid contact in person.

 

How you do it? You tough it out. You block him where possible, you put your hands behind your back and wait one month to reply. Yeah

you won't reply to hi baby afterone month. Eat more ice cream if you need to, but it just sucks in the beginning. You distract yourself, and after a long while it becomes normal and you won't have the same automatic response to reply.

 

As far as the on/off, affairs can leave people jaded, can make one question the nature of being human and trusting other people. Not much I can tell you there...life is certainly not a Disney park in perfect weather.

[veryhappy]

I believe you mentioned being tempted to get pregnant for the wrong reasons. Please don't. You can wait a couple of years, you still have time. Your future baby will need all of you.

[sandylee1]

that is exactly where i am struggling.. learn how 'not to respond'..

 

Block him, then you won't see the texts.

 

The guy has enough on his plate. Imagine how disgusted and hurt his wife would feel if she knew he was messing around with another woman 3 days after her cancer diagnosis. ......that's the man you are feeling in a tiz about?

 

If a man can treat his wife and mother of his kids this way.....he ain't worth the time of day. The sooner you realise that, the better.

[stillafool]

The reason he got over it so quick is because he isn't in love with you. He saw something he wanted, went for it, got it and now it's over. I can almost guarantee you aren't the first one and certainly won't be the last. If he's good looking and powerful he knows he can get who he wants. Especially if they have low self esteem.

 

What I'm having a hard time understanding is why you're upset that this MM is rejecting you. Why aren't/weren't you as concerned or more that your husband could not perform sex with you? That is rejection also. Why aren't you more upset about your husband.

[Depressedcanadian]

By NC I mean NC outside the absolutely necessary work interaction. No chit chat, no texts, no fiddling with your hair, no glances, no happy hours, no nothing. To the point, work related, keep moving and better yet avoid contact in person.

 

How you do it? You tough it out. You block him where possible, you put your hands behind your back and wait one month to reply. Yeah

you won't reply to hi baby afterone month. Eat more ice cream if you need to, but it just sucks in the beginning. You distract yourself, and after a long while it becomes normal and you won't have the same automatic response to reply.

 

As far as the on/off, affairs can leave people jaded, can make one question the nature of being human and trusting other people. Not much I can tell you there...life is certainly not a Disney park in perfect weather.

 

thank u for the response. yes it is hard. and i do think i am doing better; however, it seems like as soon as he sends a flirty text (which seldom happens anyways - like once in a week) I slide back down. I tried being a bit firm the one day and then he said something and I slid again. Yes, I need to tough it out and be more firm - which is insanely hard!! As for the getting pregnant part as well I think what you say is true as well but am confused there as well..Thank u for the input

[Depressedcanadian]

Block him, then you won't see the texts.

 

The guy has enough on his plate. Imagine how disgusted and hurt his wife would feel if she knew he was messing around with another woman 3 days after her cancer diagnosis. ......that's the man you are feeling in a tiz about?

 

If a man can treat his wife and mother of his kids this way.....he ain't worth the time of day. The sooner you realise that, the better.

 

I cannot block him as I stated before - he works in the same place as me.

[Depressedcanadian]

The reason he got over it so quick is because he isn't in love with you. He saw something he wanted, went for it, got it and now it's over. I can almost guarantee you aren't the first one and certainly won't be the last. If he's good looking and powerful he knows he can get who he wants. Especially if they have low self esteem.

 

What I'm having a hard time understanding is why you're upset that this MM is rejecting you. Why aren't/weren't you as concerned or more that your husband could not perform sex with you? That is rejection also. Why aren't you more upset about your husband.

 

i never was in love with him either; just got really attached somehow!!

i think over 5 years i got over that.. and now that part with my husband is fine..

[sidney2718]

@stillafool, @cutedragon

 

yes, i feel like a teenager the way I am behaving; finding excuses to text and the such while he doesn't seem to care. makes me feel extremely devalued. i realize after 24 years of marriage he must luv his wife - what i just don't understand if how/why he pursued me and then was with me twice and is done now? can't get into his and justify what he thinks - so will stop trying

for me i just feel like an idiot and cannot believe the way i have been behaving and continue to do so by finding silly excuses to text. will have to keep trying not to text! where is all my willpower!!!

 

What has probably happened is that your MM had as much trouble giving you up as you have in giving him up. But he realized that he had to give you up. So he distanced himself from you as best he could. That's why he seems cold and distant. He's hanging on to his detachment as hard as he can.

 

Your job is to do the same. Detach. Do it for him as well as yourself. After a couple of weeks it will get easier.

 

well, i am not sure. i almost want to get pregnant to fix this mess? realize it prob is the worst idea in the world; but i don't know what i think anymore..cannot understand what goes on through the OM mind.

 

What ever you do do NOT get pregnant now. You will regret it to your dying day. You have several large problems. One is your MM. The other is your husband. The third is your secret.

 

for example i didn't text him entire day last week tuesday and then he texts me wed evening and most of thursday the day pretending everything is all good and fine.. i mean it wasn't the same as texting before; but it was extremely friendly and teasing.. it almost seems like when he has the time i am his distraction..which i feel horrible being; but when he texts i can't stop myself.. and then i get used to the texting and keep expecting them - which doesn't always happen now.. used to before! he is helping me a bit with school; i am taking some masters classes for which he proof reads my assignments and all (he is at a very very senior level at the place i work) so i do not really want to offend him either.. also which is why can't really get rid of his #.. such a mess i have put myself into

 

Reread what I wrote above about your MM.

 

By the way, I suspect that you and your husband could use a good book on the techniques of sex for married couples. There are many ways for you to satisfy him and many ways for him to satisfy you.

 

I also recommend finding ways to increase the passion level. What you probably had with you MM during sex was a flow of energy from him to you and from you to him, flowing through your bodies to where every touch was erotic. You need to try to develop this with your husband. It is quite an animal response and quite natural and common, unless one blocks it out of shame or fear.

[sidney2718]

one of his kids is grown and out.. but the two younger ones are in high school.. anyways, yes i know he likely loves his wife.. he never really said he did not

i just cannot figure out why he pursued me.. he was the one who started the emailing and then the texting.. i avoided it for such a long time; but he would say such flattering things and i fell for it .. and it isn't like the guy isn't attractive which didn't help! anyways for now; i have to find it in myself to stop being obsessed and stop the initiation of texts atleast..

 

There are lots of reasons why an older man would pursue a younger woman. One is that at age 49 he's starting to realize that he's not 20 any more and can no longer do some of the things he could do back them. If this is the case you've been a godsend to him. Being able to really please a younger woman is a huge amazing turn on. In fact it is about as much of a turn on as it is for you to realize that you were able to give great pleasure to an older, important man.

[Depressedcanadian]

What has probably happened is that your MM had as much trouble giving you up as you have in giving him up. But he realized that he had to give you up. So he distanced himself from you as best he could. That's why he seems cold and distant. He's hanging on to his detachment as hard as he can.

 

Your job is to do the same. Detach. Do it for him as well as yourself. After a couple of weeks it will get easier.

 

 

 

What ever you do do NOT get pregnant now. You will regret it to your dying day. You have several large problems. One is your MM. The other is your husband. The third is your secret.

 

 

 

Reread what I wrote above about your MM.

 

By the way, I suspect that you and your husband could use a good book on the techniques of sex for married couples. There are many ways for you to satisfy him and many ways for him to satisfy you.

 

I also recommend finding ways to increase the passion level. What you probably had with you MM during sex was a flow of energy from him to you and from you to him, flowing through your bodies to where every touch was erotic. You need to try to develop this with your husband. It is quite an animal response and quite natural and common, unless one blocks it out of shame or fear.

 

thank u sidney for responses. Yes, I am trying to detach - really difficult though since we cannot go NC. I do think I am better since when this started though! I still get moments when I miss what we had - but it is definitely a lot better! Thanks for the suggestion on the books; will look into that..

Well who knows what went on in his head when he pursued me - I never even thought of him in that way since I never thought I was into older men (even the hot ones ). But, all the compliments and the incredibly caring behaviour did get me very very attached to him..