What could all this mean? :(

[Donburi]

Ok, my boyfriend, well, ex-bf as of right now are on a break, or breakup, whatever you want to call it, due to the fact that he caught me and his friend being somewhat "intimate." It was a one-time thing, never happened before, and had no intentions of letting it happen again. I believe it happened because the "friend" befriended me, I was lonely and only had my bf, messed around with my insecure thoughts and told me what I wanted to hear and what I didn't want to hear relating to my bf. He was so charming and sweet that I did indeed have some feelings for him, but that wasn't the reason why I was his friend, I really did enjoy his company. Not an excuse at ALL, totally my fault for letting any of it happen. I'm taking the responsibilty and blame for everything, bf understands that. I have another post going into more details on the situation, so feel free to insult me on that one...I just have some questions right now...

 

 

I'm just going crazy right now because I don't know what is going to happen...and as much as I deserve to feel like this...I just gotta ask some questions...

 

BF says we're not dating right now. He has no desire to be with me right now. "right now". He always says those words. We had a break around last year because I was getting too clingy and he needed space and he also used those words. "I just want to be friends right now." And we ended up back together. So...should I take that as a sign? I know this is a completely different situation but I'm going crazy with my thoughts that I need to hear others opinions! I asked him one night why he couldn't just say he didn't want to be with me ever and he said he doesn't know how he is going to feel in the future, so he doesn't want to say anything for certain...

 

He is asking for no communication right now, he says it would be good for both of us. Is that a common thing to ask for in this situation? Does that mean he wants to work things out? I know its not an excuse for time to get over me and vice versa...I asked if us being friends was going to be the worst case scenario and he said yes. We haven't really been following the rules though, we sometimes text message eachother, and online we chat. Though I always let him initiate it. (the AIM convo's anyways, I'm guilty for the text messages)

 

 

He confided in two friends about this because he needed to talk about it, but somehow the whole "group" found out and he is very upset about it. He told me that he hates people knowing about it...does that mean anything? I wonder if he said that because he is afraid of looking like the chump or that he doesn't want people to know because we might very well work this out...One day we were at his Mom's house and I asked if he was going to tell her and he said no...I don't know what to think of that...

 

He told me the other night that he is surprised he is reacting the way he is and I asked well, what do you mean by that? He said he thought he would act not like himself, curse, scream, hit things and never talk to either one of us again. So, do you think thats his way of saying "there is no way we'll ever date again , you should feel lucky that I'm even talking to you!" ? When he told me that I said "So I guess you never would have thought that you would even consider taking me back huh" and he said yeah...

 

 

He was very good friends with this guy for a long time, but now he never wants to see him again. The night he walked in on us (not sex or making out, but him rubbing my crotch) the friend confessed right away that he had been messing around with my mind...and as much as BF is angry and hurt with me, he says he can sort of understand why it happened. So, he basically hates this guys guts.

 

He is going to Japan in three weeks and a video game convention this week and is very VERY excited about it, to the point where it doesn't seem like he has a single care in the world. I don't think he is trying to hide how hurt he is from me because he's expressed his pain...and I'm so happy he still has some pleasures in his life that he can enjoy...I just don't know how to take it...

 

 

He knows how badly I feel, and he says he believes me when I say I would never let anything like this happen again. But he says things could never be the same, which makes sense...but that doesn't mean he meant it as it can't happen, right?

 

He says he can't make any promises and that he wishes he could tell me anything concrete (I'm guessing good or bad). I asked him if we got back together wouldn't it bother you that all your friends would hate the girl you're with and he said no, I would be his gf, not theirs. He said the second he knows what he wants, whether to be with me or not, he would tell me.

 

I'm just so confused right now and the thing that hurts me more is that he is more confused than I am...sometimes he says things that are hopeful and other things not. I'm trying not to take anything too seriously but its so hard. The old me (before we took that break I mentioned last year) would be inconsiderate of his feelings and keep bombarding him with questions...and even though I did a horrible horrible thing, I feel that ever since that break I matured in some departments (he's noticed too) and I've tried my best to leave him alone for now. The way I got all the info I mentioned was when we would talk about this subject and he encouraged me to speak what was on my mind so I did.

 

Please don't think I'm a heartless person who thinks they deserve to get back together with the one they hurt so quickly...I'm gonna be honest, I still want to be with him, and if he takes me back I'll be the happiest girl in the world...but I understand I need to go through some pain right now, pain that I earned and deserve. It would just feel wrong to not have some kind of punishment. I told him that and also that if I go through enough pain maybe my slate can be clean again...and that the scars that I have will be a reminder of this experience and to never let something like this happen again. He said that was a good way to think of it. So, I understand that I'm not worthy enough of being with him right now...but my heart is aching to know what comes of the future. So I was just wondering if anyone could give me their advice or opinions on all the things I mentioned, whether it seemed like it was leading to a good thing or not.

 

Thank you.

[Marshbear]

I think he likes you very much and you hurt him and betrayed his trust in you. Now he needs to decide wither he can still have a relationship with you. He needs a break from you and the feelings he has to make a fair analysis of the future. He is truly thinking of being with you so I would give him the space he needs and wait for the outcome. Your input has been helpful to him and will weigh on his decision so if he asks you for more I would give him all he requires.

 

Peace...

[Merin]

Honestly I have no idea if he'll take you back and for real I wouldn't look at anything he says in a hopeful manner at this time.

 

My guess is he doesn't want anyone to know what You did because he feels embarrassed.. although the person who should feel embarrassed is You and his Friend.. it isn't uncommon for people to somehow take it upon themselves that the actions of thier SO are a direct reflection of them..

 

It also isn't uncommon when something like this has happend for the person who's been hurt to not want contact with the person who hurt them.. at this point I really would advise you to respect his wishes.. you disrespected him in a pretty serious manner and the least you could do IMO is to give him the time and space he has asked for in dealing with how he feels in the manner he see's fit.

 

While yes it is also true that if he chooses to take you back that you're his girlfriend and not his friends girlfriend it is also true that most people value the opinions of people who love them (family and friends) and to think for a moment that they have zero influence on how he feels is silly.

 

I do think in some ways that although you're saying you take responsibility for what happend I still see in your thread that you seem to minimize it and shift a lot of the blame on to his friend... while Yes his friend is responsible and it was a sh*tty thing to do, you were suppose to be not only his friend, but his Girlfriend know what I mean?

 

IF this were me and My BF said something like "We were KIND OF intimate" when what I saw was some girl rubbing his crotch I would be furious at him for trying to make it seem that it wasn't THAT big of a deal.

[Donburi]

Merin, I understand, I didn't mean to write off the situation so lightly, I know what we did was wrong, I just didn't know how to describe it since it wasn't "intimate" (I view kissing, making out, sex, those kinda things as intimate) but more of a physical thing. He touched me down there which lasted less than a min. Again, not trying to make it sound better...I just didn't know how to word it.

 

I know it seems like I'm blaming the friend more than myself...but I honestly do feel like s***, and it makes me feel like more s*** that I have the nerve to still want to be with my bf. I just can't help it though, I'm so drawn to him...and honestly, I feel that the friend used that to his advantage, he knew I how much I worried about my bf's love for me, etc, and told me things I didn't want to hear. Why I chose to believe it? I still don't have a clue. Bf and I are both fully aware of how weak and insecure I am. I'm trying my best to work on that. I guess when it sounds like I'm blaming the friend its just my anger talking towards him. I really thought he was my friend, he was the first friend I had in a long time, not counting my bf. I can't even begin to imagine how my bf must feel...

 

 

I'm so glad he still wants me in his life, though. I just don't know as what yet...

So, you don't think it sounds like the chances are too good? I came here for honest opinions, not just to hear what I wanted to hear so I appreciate your comment, thank you...

[Donburi]

Thank you MBear. As hard as it is, I'm trying to give him as much space and time he needs. And if wants to me to give input and talk, we'll, I'll gladly talk his ears off...

 

 

thank you!