Long distance relationship with no future plans

[A-M]

Hello all,

 

We are a couple looking for advice. We are currently in a long distance relationship with no end in sight. Both of us live in Europe, about 2000km (1200miles) apart. We met online and have never lived in the same country. We're in our early 20s, and have been together for 3 years (and known each other for about 9 years). In the past three years we have been together, we have seen each other about 15 times, sometimes just for a few days, sometimes for a few weeks. Recently we have been thinking whether or not we should break up since we do not exactly have any future plans together, and we're looking for some outside perspective.

 

While we’re mostly thinking about breaking up due to having no solid plan for the future that would include both of us, we also worry whether we’re even a good match. We get along great (mostly) but we have never dated anyone else before, and since we are each other's only relationships, we don't really have a frame of reference. We match in a lot of ways, have fun watching series together, talking together, playing games and visiting new places together. But we also have our differences. The boyfriend likes to be out in the nature every once in a while, while the girlfriend already gets the creeps thinking of the bugs. In general, the boyfriend is slightly more physically active than the girlfriend. The girlfriend prefers to stay inside with a good book.

 

Our current situation is the following:

 

The boyfriend is pursuing his master's degree in his home country (will finish in 2017), and the girlfriend is pursuing her second bachelor’s degree (finish in 2017), looking to follow up with a master's degree (finish in 2019). She is currently studying in her home country, but the master she wants to pursue is in another (third, also European) country, where she would only stay for the duration of her education.

 

The boyfriend, as a part of his current degree, would be able to study at a university in the girlfriend's city next year, for about four months. While we would not be able to really live together (she lives with her parents, and he will be assigned to live in a shared student apartment), we would be able to see each other on a frequent basis for a longer period. In addition, he would get to learn her native language better (he has already studied it some, up to level A2-B1).

 

Both of us feel like we quite haven't figured out our own lives yet, what we value and what we want to do with it. We currently lack a long term plan (which is why we are also considering the break-up), since the girlfriend will be studying for at least 4 more years (of which the last two in a country we do not intend to settle in) and the boyfriend will start working after getting his degree.

 

As we see it now, we have the following options:

• The boyfriend moves to the third country to work there, while she does her master’s there.
  
• The girlfriend doesn't pursue her master’s and we find a country to settle down.
  
• She does her master, he works in his home country, we stay long distance for four more years and then find a country to settle down.
  
• We break up.
  

 

We don’t really know what we should do. Any help would be appreciated.

[emi]

Do you love him? I dont feel you do when i read this. If so, better break up

[Els]

Honestly, most people's lives do not follow a strict route and timetable the way you are describing. Things change, plans change, people change. I know the usual rule is that 'LDRs need a concrete plan to close the distance', but IMO that is beneficial but not always necessary right from the start, and especially if both of you are still in your early 20s and students.

 

If you had asked me in Year 1 of my R (penultimate year of college) what our plans for reuniting were, I would have had, at best, only vague answers (none of which would have even come close to what the actual solution was). Yet when I graduated I was a different person from the one I was two years back, we did have a temporary plan, and the temporary became permanent. We've been together IRL and quite happy since.

 

I think the boy should just take the opportunity to study where the girl is when it arises next year and see how things go from there. That is, if you feel it's worth staying in the LDR. If you don't feel it's worth it then go your separate ways.