Does he really sound like a player? or is there something else going on?

[HansonGirl]

i am finding out that this guy i know goes out on a lot of dates with different women he meets on online dating. But thus far, I would NEVER have any idea of that. He was completely free on new years eve and had no plans, i invited him along. he's often available. He's never tagged in any pictures with any girls, he never posts any pictures with girls. and he's often available to hang out. he's also pretty awkward. He also organized his own birthday dinner and NOBODY outside of our group showed up. I would have thought at least ONE of his other friends or girls he was seeing would be invited.

 

Our mutual friend painted him as this serial dater / player, and I still am so confused at this guy. i mean, maybe it's TRUE - but you'd think he'd have some plans on NYE. you'd think he'd have some other people - whether it be the current girl he was seeing or just a friend - show up at his birthday dinner.

 

I am not asking this to judge him, but i was interested in him until i found out that he does serial date and he dates a lot of women, and goes on one date and is already looking for the next date- sometimes even BEFORE he goes on one date, he's already planning the next one with somebody else. this gives me pause. I don't have that lifestyle so I don't understand it. And part of it just does not seem to match my PERCEPTION of him. i mean how was he like, unable to find something to do on NYE? and had nobody to bring to his birthday celebration? and always hangs out with us without bringing anybody? does he have a secret double life? i mean maybe he's not looking for anything and he's not a wise choice!

Edited September 17, 2015 by HansonGirl

[d0nnivain]

Serial daters & players are not the the same thing.

 

A serial dater is somebody who doesn't have a lot of gaps between one date & the next. Perhaps it's unhealthy & a compulsive inability to be alone, possible a touch of GIGs but it's not mean.

 

A Player is somebody who manipulates others, basically lies to them to get them into bed / or make them fall for him/her & is out the door once the conquest is made.

[mrldii]

Many serial daters don't like to have dates on "special occasions" (i.e., their birthday, NYE, a holiday, a friend's wedding) because of the social significance others have a tendency to place on those days/events.

 

I've known men who date a LOT but refuse to make dates for Friday and/or Saturday nights. Not only are those the prime days FOR finding (more) single ladies, but - according to them - women would think the date/relationship was more serious than it really was, because of the day of the week.

 

A couple of the men I've dated made sure to let me know how *special* I was and how *serious* they were, because - after all - our dates WERE always on Saturdays!

 

[HansonGirl]

Serial daters & players are not the the same thing.

 

A serial dater is somebody who doesn't have a lot of gaps between one date & the next. Perhaps it's unhealthy & a compulsive inability to be alone, possible a touch of GIGs but it's not mean.

 

A Player is somebody who manipulates others, basically lies to them to get them into bed / or make them fall for him/her & is out the door once the conquest is made.

 

What is GIGs?!?!

[HansonGirl]

Many serial daters don't like to have dates on "special occasions" (i.e., their birthday, NYE, a holiday, a friend's wedding) because of the social significance others have a tendency to place on those days/events.

 

I've known men who date a LOT but refuse to make dates for Friday and/or Saturday nights. Not only are those the prime days FOR finding (more) single ladies, but - according to them - women would think the date/relationship was more serious than it really was, because of the day of the week.

 

A couple of the men I've dated made sure to let me know how *special* I was and how *serious* they were, because - after all - our dates WERE always on Saturdays!

 

 

I just would have thought either he would already have other plans on nye or would at least have a FRIEND (at least) to join us at dinner. He's notnew in town. He took agroup photo on his birthday and said he was going to send it to his mom to show her he has friends.

[d0nnivain]

What is GIGs?!?!

 

Grass is always greener syndrome. It means that especially on OLD which is practically a buffet of "available" people to date some people can't chose to be with just one person because they mistakenly have the idea that the next person who pops onto their potential match queue is going to be perfect for them & even better than the perfectly nice person they went on a date with yesterday.

 

If you don't know an acronym you can always check here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand

[HansonGirl]

Grass is always greener syndrome. It means that especially on OLD which is practically a buffet of "available" people to date some people can't chose to be with just one person because they mistakenly have the idea that the next person who pops onto their potential match queue is going to be perfect for them & even better than the perfectly nice person they went on a date with yesterday.

 

If you don't know an acronym you can always check here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand

 

 

so i guess this is someone i shouldn't let myself get interested in, right?

[d0nnivain]

so i guess this is someone i shouldn't let myself get interested in, right?

 

You & your friend seem to have a negative opinion of him & how he treats members of the opposite sex. You think he uses them in the short term then tosses them away. If that is how you feel why would you voluntarily set yourself up for this treatment? You can't go into this thinking that you are the woman who will change him. If you can go on a few dates, maintain an emotional distance & simply enjoy the time for what it is -- a happy distraction now -- go on a date with him but do not give him your heart because he's not going to safeguard it.

 

I think he's a shy guy & a good bet. I think your friend is mistaken & you allowed her misinformation to adversely color your perception.

 

Without seeing your interactions in person to read all the subtext I can't say for sure. But from this and some of your other posts I get the sense that you are relatively young, possibly inexperienced in the ways of the world & perhaps a bit naive. Accordingly, I find it difficult to advise you to trust your own gut because I don't think you have developed good instincts yet, but my perception may be way off because you really can't tell much about a person through an internet message board.

[HansonGirl]

You & your friend seem to have a negative opinion of him & how he treats members of the opposite sex. You think he uses them in the short term then tosses them away. If that is how you feel why would you voluntarily set yourself up for this treatment? You can't go into this thinking that you are the woman who will change him. If you can go on a few dates, maintain an emotional distance & simply enjoy the time for what it is -- a happy distraction now -- go on a date with him but do not give him your heart because he's not going to safeguard it.

 

I think he's a shy guy & a good bet. I think your friend is mistaken & you allowed her misinformation to adversely color your perception.

 

Without seeing your interactions in person to read all the subtext I can't say for sure. But from this and some of your other posts I get the sense that you are relatively young, possibly inexperienced in the ways of the world & perhaps a bit naive. Accordingly, I find it difficult to advise you to trust your own gut because I don't think you have developed good instincts yet, but my perception may be way off because you really can't tell much about a person through an internet message board.

 

 

yes i am rather inexperienced.

but i don't understand, are you saying in the second paragraph that you don't agree with what you are saying in the first paragraph? you are saying that that's my (and my friend's) view of him, and you don't think it is accurate? She said that he goes on "a LOT" of dates, and you (or someone else) said a serial dater has GIGs and doesn't want to ever be alone. if he's got GIGs and is going to look for somebody else right away, then i definitely would not want to be involved. But then it sounds like you are saying you DON'T think he does? because me and my friend are wrong?

 

sorry can you just clarify what you mean?

[d0nnivain]

You understood what I said but . . .

 

Just because he goes on a lot of dates is NOT necessarily a bad thing. I would need more context then you can supply to determine if he has a GIGs or is a commitment phobe. All I know (because it's all you know) is that your friend said he goes on a lot of dates. We don't even know how she came by that information or if its accurate.

 

Because these alleged other women didn't come to his party, I think he is a guy with clear boundaries. He dates outside your social circle for a reason but if he's willing to date you -- inside the circle -- he may be more open to a relationship then you have painted him. I can't tell from my side of this computer screen because I don't know him. Since I can never meet him, I have to base my opinion on what you are telling me. But since I have no faith that your perceptions are accurate because they aren't even based on your personal observations, it's hard to give you a definitive read.

 

Do you know if he ever had a serious relationship? Do you know if he wants one? IMO, a genuine player would have had plans on NYE, or at least would have hooked up that night & he would have had a ton of women at his party. So from your observations, he seems like a good guy. Your friend is telling you he's a bad guy but without more, that remains a shaky conclusion.

[Dutchman1]

Dear HansonGirl,

 

 

A serial dater is almost always an insecure type, who is searching for someone he doesn't know.

 

 

Confusing?

It doesn't always have to turn out for the worst, but take it from me, a serial dater does not know what he/ she is looking for.

Sometimes people like that are just insecure, sometimes they are needy, or even players.

 

 

I would advise you to have fun, get to know each other, keep your panty's on for now.

I'm aware interactions are different , ( I'm old) but honesty and keeping your dignity are priceless assets further in live are still very valuable, even in these days.

 

 

Enjoy being young, have fun, always take your brain and common sense with you.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[HansonGirl]

You understood what I said but . . .

 

Just because he goes on a lot of dates is NOT necessarily a bad thing. I would need more context then you can supply to determine if he has a GIGs or is a commitment phobe. All I know (because it's all you know) is that your friend said he goes on a lot of dates. We don't even know how she came by that information or if its accurate.

 

Because these alleged other women didn't come to his party, I think he is a guy with clear boundaries. He dates outside your social circle for a reason but if he's willing to date you -- inside the circle -- he may be more open to a relationship then you have painted him. I can't tell from my side of this computer screen because I don't know him. Since I can never meet him, I have to base my opinion on what you are telling me. But since I have no faith that your perceptions are accurate because they aren't even based on your personal observations, it's hard to give you a definitive read.

 

Do you know if he ever had a serious relationship? Do you know if he wants one? IMO, a genuine player would have had plans on NYE, or at least would have hooked up that night & he would have had a ton of women at his party. So from your observations, he seems like a good guy. Your friend is telling you he's a bad guy but without more, that remains a shaky conclusion.

 

indeed i knew something wasn't quite adding up!