I regret breaking up with my ex boyfriend?

[Tobin]

you don't love someone a minute and feel indifferent the other...or do you? I am out of here, this is pointless... keep pampering her... she doesn't deserve the pain anyhow

 

You can love someone but realize you aren't on the same page and that you're not right for each other. That causes confusion and conflict.

[Samuel_22]

You can love someone but realize you aren't on the same page and that you're not right for each other. That causes confusion and conflict.

If you love someone you can never let that person go...no matter what...specially for a girl...it is like a nightmare....and yeah if you love someone, you do anything to be with that person...or is it not the definition of love? or love has changed its own meaning altogether? You love someone, you stay with that person forever...no ifs and/or buts about it...you don't, you feel confused, you betray that person, you leave that person t explore, to find better, richer, more handsome scum-bags....and when you see well you are out of options...regret hits you...I hope you understand

[Tobin]

If you love someone you can never let that person go...no matter what...specially for a girl..

 

I guess it's all about your definition of love.

 

You pick up 10 Hallmark cards in a card store and you'll get 10 different meanings.

 

If define love as completely unconditional then sure, a girl who loves a man would theoretically never leave him, even if he was a physical abuser, or a drug addict, a murderer, or sociopath. "I love him but every day he smacks my face or bashes my head against the wall and it's starting to hurt and I cant handle the constant headaches" or "I love him but he's been with 3 other girls this week and the pain is just too great" . I wish I could leave him but I love him so I can't...

 

Others might say "you can love someone but realize you MUST leave the person because it's just not good for your continued health and well being".

[Samuel_22]

I guess it's all about your definition of love.

 

You pick up 10 Hallmark cards in a card store and you'll get 10 different meanings.

 

If define love as completely unconditional then sure, a girl who loves a man would theoretically never leave him, even if he was a physical abuser, or a drug addict, a murderer, or sociopath. "I love him but every day he smacks my face or bashes my head against the wall and it's starting to hurt and I cant handle the constant headaches" or "I love him but he's been with 3 other girls this week and the pain is just too great" . I wish I could leave him but I love him so I can't...

 

Others might say "you can love someone but realize you MUST leave the person because it's just not good for your continued health and well being".

You fail to realize that the conditions you have put forward, are way different from what she has done with her ex...she admitted the guy truly loved him...but she thought she could do better, or maybe she was a gold digger like my ex...so she decided to leave...now that she can not find any other one, she wants him back, and if she found the guy, she would leave him again...you see it is so simple...I don't know why you resist logic... This is not the definition of love...was her ex an addict, was he an abuser, did he smash her face to the wall everyday? NO...he loved her, but she started seeing her self better than him, she forgot it was him, who gave her so much self confidence... ok ok...it was a mistake....everyone is prone to mistakes.... right now She has to live with it... let her go out and find the better guy she was looking for...And I can't get over how much I like her ex...especially if she crawled back, and he said to hell with you, then I would find this guy and dedicate him a gold medal

Edited September 17, 2015 by Samuel_22

[Tobin]

You fail to realize that the conditions you have put forward, are way different from what she has done with her ex...

 

I was responding directly to your post which addressed love in general, not in this specific instance.

 

You stated that if a woman loves a man she will never leave him.

 

I was disputing that rather questionable statement and providing numerous examples as to why it is false.

 

Whether the subject of this thread loves her ex or not, I have no clue. But I will maintain that just because she broke up with him does not mean she does not love him.

[Samuel_22]

I was responding directly to your post which addressed love in general, not in this specific instance.

 

You stated that if a woman loves a man she will never leave him.

 

I was disputing that rather questionable statement and providing numerous examples as to why it is false.

 

Whether the subject of this thread loves her ex or not, I have no clue. But I will maintain that just because she broke up with him does not mean she does not love him.

When you break up with someone you don't love that person...unless there is a serious condition like those you put forward...she played him, she betrayed him, she cheated on him...and although she tries to make up excuses, to ease the guilt...there is no way to erase the guilt...and yet she is so selfish, she wants to drag him back to the same crap....and just when she knows, he is happy...well I congratulate all the users who sympathize with her, and support her...You do have big hearts people...You do have big hearts

Edited September 17, 2015 by Samuel_22

[Blanco]

You fail to realize that the conditions you have put forward, are way different from what she has done with her ex...she admitted the guy truly loved him...but she thought she could do better, or maybe she was a gold digger like my ex...so she decided to leave...now that she can not find any other one, she wants him back, and if she found the guy, she would leave him again...you see it is so simple...I don't know why you resist logic... This is not the definition of love...was her ex an addict, was he an abuser, did he smash her face to the wall everyday? NO...he loved her, but she started seeing her self better than him, she forgot it was him, who gave her so much self confidence... ok ok...it was a mistake....everyone is prone to mistakes.... right now She has to live with it... let her go out and find the better guy she was looking for...And I can't get over how much I like her ex...especially if she crawled back, and he said to hell with you, then I would find this guy and dedicate him a gold medal

 

More projecting.

 

Just because you love someone doesn't necessarily mean you're a great fit or should be with each other for the rest of days.

 

I loved my ex when I left her and I think she probably loved me, or at least still cared about me a great deal. But it was obvious we weren't a good fit and we were going to always have chronic periods of being totally out of sync with each other.

 

Moreover, despite being the same age, we were at different stages of our lives and wanted different things. She has two children. She had reached the conclusion that she didn't want more. I loved her children as if they were mine, but that only made me realize I wanted one of my own. Neither of us was wrong. She didn't care if she got married. In her mind, she had her kids, so marriage wasn't really a big deal to her. I felt I probably wanted to get married some day, though I never really thought about it with her. Again, neither of us was wrong, but we wanted opposing things.

 

Maybe if we had met years ago, we would've stood more of a chance. But we didn't. And that was no one's fault. We still care for each other, but our lives were not heading down the same path, and that overrides pretty much everything else.

[Samuel_22]

More projecting.

 

Just because you love someone doesn't necessarily mean you're a great fit or should be with each other for the rest of days.

 

I loved my ex when I left her and I think she probably loved me, or at least still cared about me a great deal. But it was obvious we weren't a good fit and we were going to always have chronic periods of being totally out of sync with each other.

 

Moreover, despite being the same age, we were at different stages of our lives and wanted different things. She has two children. She had reached the conclusion that she didn't want more. I loved her children as if they were mine, but that only made me realize I wanted one of my own. Neither of us was wrong. She didn't care if she got married. In her mind, she had her kids, so marriage wasn't really a big deal to her. I felt I probably wanted to get married some day, though I never really thought about it with her. Again, neither of us was wrong, but we wanted opposing things.

 

Maybe if we had met years ago, we would've stood more of a chance. But we didn't. And that was no one's fault. We still care for each other, but our lives were not heading down the same path, and that overrides pretty much everything else.

Yeah a dude I am a psychopath...haha...well you too can ease your guilt by rabbiting on about what you wanted...and then say she wanted the same thing too...how do you know, because she had the decency in herself to tell you ok I agree? or did she do so tl ease your guilt herself...selfish people...I am a psychopath alright...at least I am not egomaniacal...projecting...BS...so that's why you are supporting her, your hands are red too?

[mightycpa]

I don't know.. on the cheating scale, what she did was not really so bad. I've done far worse, and had far worse done to me.

 

And as for breaking his heart, I think you guys are projecting. To hear her tell it, he packed it up and walked away pretty much unscathed, and he seems to be happy with the new girl. It sounds like she saved him the trouble.

 

She's the one who has regrets, but something tells me she wouldn't have regrets is the guy she kissed was as smooth as she thought he would be.

 

That's just the way it goes. You roll the dice, and you don't know whether you're going to win or lose until they land on the table.

[Samuel_22]

I don't know.. on the cheating scale, what she did was not really so bad. I've done far worse, and had far worse done to me.

 

And as for breaking his heart, I think you guys are projecting. To hear her tell it, he packed it up and walked away pretty much unscathed, and he seems to be happy with the new girl. It sounds like she saved him the trouble.

 

She's the one who has regrets, but something tells me she wouldn't have regrets is the guy she kissed was as smooth as she thought he would be.

 

That's just the way it goes. You roll the dice, and you don't know whether you're going to win or lose until they land on the table.

He did it, because that was what he had to do...I have never cheated anyone myself, and I will never do...It's dirty, animalistic...rolling a dice is not a love affair, it is for gambling... so your example is moot...

[bluefeather]

Read most of it but had to skip the Tobin and Samuel bickering.

 

Hey xoxoheather, you know what, it really sucks what you did. A lot of us here have been on the other end of what people like you did. So hey, there's a lot of hate on you for that. But to attempt to be fair, I will try to assist since that is what you came here for, right?

 

You probably felt like you were missing out on something, so you did something really stupid and cheated. You should have just ended it before that. Anyway, now you left him and he was thankfully able to pick himself up rather quickly. THAT'S A GOOD THING. Would you prefer he be destroyed? If you would rather that, then you are a very pathetic person. Hopefully you are not.

 

So here is some clarity for you: the grass is not greener on the other side. Now you know. What will you do with this knowledge? That is up to you. People make mistakes in life. Sometimes that is the best way to learn. Sometimes it is the only way.

 

 

 

All the people out there who came at her, I totally feel you, and I'm even glad that you said what you said because you said it for me and people like me too. But maybe you can now take note of this in a calmer way. She has presented an interesting example of regret from the other side. It is a nice change to hear a story like this instead of constant "this person left me and I feel like crap and can't get over it."

[Oregon_Dude]

Heather, you seem like a nice person who made a mistake. It happens. The fact that you have the capacity for regret and introspection speaks volumes for your positive future. Not everyone is able to admit their mistakes.

 

You lost him, so that sucks. Now your only option is to leave him alone. You're bound to find someone else again later on. When you do, make sure to hold onto him. Good people are rare these days.

 

I'd make sure to tell the ex how sorry you are and how wrong you were. It likely won't make a difference to him, as he's happy in a new r/s, but at least you can say you gave it your all.

 

Be easy on yourself. You will learn from this experience.

[Blanco]

Yeah a dude I am a psychopath...haha...well you too can ease your guilt by rabbiting on about what you wanted...and then say she wanted the same thing too...how do you know, because she had the decency in herself to tell you ok I agree? or did she do so tl ease your guilt herself...selfish people...I am a psychopath alright...at least I am not egomaniacal...projecting...BS...so that's why you are supporting her, your hands are red too?

 

My goodness, what are you even rambling about anymore? I'm supporting her? How? Because I'm not jumping down her throat telling her what a horrible person she is? The only post I made regarding her situation was telling her she needs to live with the decision she made. Some support!

 

My hands are red? How? Because I didn't stay in a relationship that wasn't making either party a better person? She was no longer happy with it and neither was I. And a driving force behind this was we were realizing that we wanted different things in life. And no, she didn't tell me these things to "ease the guilt." She wasn't in the habit of telling me something because she thought it was what I wanted to hear.

 

My overarching point is that you can love someone but realize, for various reasons, you cannot continue a relationship. It happens and it doesn't make either person wrong or a bad individual.

[warshaw]

My overarching point is that you can love someone but realize, for various reasons, you cannot continue a relationship. It happens and it doesn't make either person wrong or a bad individual.

 

This is true. Sometimes relationships have to end and it has nothing to do with how much love there is between the people.

[Simon Phoenix]

Some of you need to calm the f--k down. Seriously.

 

The OP did a really crappy thing by cheating on her ex. No question there -- it was a terrible, immature way to act and there's no debate on that. Hopefully she's learned to just be an adult and take care of stuff in a mature, responsible way instead of doing slimy things behind the scenes.

 

That being said, those of you who say that she has no right to break up with him because he loved her are out to lunch. If she is not feeling the relationship and does not think it will work over the long term, it's definitely within her right to break up. Not only will it allow her to find a better match, but it will allow her ex to find someone better (which he seems to have done already). There are few things worse than a couple that shouldn't be together who are staying together out of fear or obligation. It's not as if they have children together, so stop jumping on her for breaking up with him. Stop projecting your situations on to her.

 

But to dump on the OP again, you are well within your right to break up, but once you do, you lose all rights to have any say, input, or anything in his life. I'm sorry your ego can't handle the fact he isn't chasing after you, but sometimes that happens. Just because you didn't find what you thought you'd find and he found something that he likes does not mean you deserve sympathy for that. This is the choice you made, and these are the consequences of that choice. Live with them. You don't actually want him back, you want validation that he'll have you back. Whatever you do, do not interject. If you actually care about him at all as a person, then let him do his thing and you figure out your own.

 

You are an adult. Part of being an adult is making decisions. Sometimes decisions don't work out the way you planned. Instead of feeling bad about a situation YOU created, learn from your mistakes so the situation does not repeat.

[xoxoheather]

Thank you for all your replies.. Well for those who actually offered some decent input.

 

I have learned my lesson. I should have fought harder for the love we had but in the end I knew he wasn't the one for me as much as I tried to deny it and make it work. Despite everything I still loved him deeply. It was hard to let go and even harder when he moved on so fast. I just expected him to be more upset because I was so heartbroken when I initially broke up with him.

 

And for all those people who say I'm a horrible person for cheating, he wasn't the best partner either. He quit trying. I did so much for him and he just wasn't putting the same effort in. That's why I let that guy kiss me. He was giving me everything my boyfriend wasn't. I don't think I would have cheated if my ex wasn't a lazy stoner without a job or car. But I learned my lesson and hopefully if I ever get in another relationship I'll know how to handle what I'm feeling in a more mature manner. I never intended to cheat but that's what happened. It opened my eyes that I needed to end things. I thought he deserved someone who loved him more; someone that wouldn't second guess the relationship. And in the end, he did find that someone, as much as that hurt me. I just wasn't expecting to be replaced so fast. It just hurt.

Edited September 18, 2015 by xoxoheather

[ManyDissapoint]

Thank you for all your replies.. Well for those who actually offered some decent input.

 

I have learned my lesson. I should have fought harder for the love we had but in the end I knew he wasn't the one for me as much as I tried to deny it and make it work. Despite everything I still loved him deeply. It was hard to let go and even harder when he moved on so fast. I just expected him to be more upset because I was so heartbroken when I initially broke up with him.

 

And for all those people who say I'm a horrible person for cheating, he wasn't the best partner either. He quit trying. I did so much for him and he just wasn't putting the same effort in. That's why I let that guy kiss me. He was giving me everything my boyfriend wasn't. I don't think I would have cheated if my ex wasn't a lazy stoner without a job or car. But I learned my lesson and hopefully if I ever get in another relationship I'll know how to handle what I'm feeling in a more mature manner. I never intended to cheat but that's what happened. It opened my eyes that I needed to end things. I thought he deserved someone who loved him more; someone that wouldn't second guess the relationship. And in the end, he did find that someone, as much as that hurt me. I just wasn't expecting to be replaced so fast. It just hurt.

 

First of all. Stop trying to remove your accountability. You didn't cheat because the other guy 'kissed you'. You are not a passive presense in the act of cheating, but an actor. Nor did you cheat because of how your ex boyfriend treated you or didn't treat you. Take accountability for your actions, its what grownups do.

 

Second of all, it's very clear to me that you lost respect for your ex boyfriend. My guess is that if he was getting high all the time, had no job or car, deep down he felt like he was failing you in the relationship. That feeling of failure is devastating to a man--especially in our culture where men are treated as success objects the way women are treated as sex objects.

 

The way you describe your ex boyfriend now really seems like you still don't respect him or appreciate him, so it really sounds like sour grapes on your part since he is happily moved on and your fling didn't work out. He was the depressed one! He should be messed up, not you! It could be that he just got lucky--who knows.

 

I really doubt that you tried to work on the problems in the relationship. It's a very subjective thing to say that you gave everything and he didn't. Did you really try EVERYTHING to make the relationship work? Usually people use that as a cop out because no one is going to call the relationship police to verify that you in fact tried everything.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thank you for all your replies.. Well for those who actually offered some decent input.

 

I have learned my lesson. I should have fought harder for the love we had but in the end I knew he wasn't the one for me as much as I tried to deny it and make it work. Despite everything I still loved him deeply. It was hard to let go and even harder when he moved on so fast. I just expected him to be more upset because I was so heartbroken when I initially broke up with him.

 

And for all those people who say I'm a horrible person for cheating, he wasn't the best partner either. He quit trying. I did so much for him and he just wasn't putting the same effort in. That's why I let that guy kiss me. He was giving me everything my boyfriend wasn't. I don't think I would have cheated if my ex wasn't a lazy stoner without a job or car. But I learned my lesson and hopefully if I ever get in another relationship I'll know how to handle what I'm feeling in a more mature manner. I never intended to cheat but that's what happened. It opened my eyes that I needed to end things. I thought he deserved someone who loved him more; someone that wouldn't second guess the relationship. And in the end, he did find that someone, as much as that hurt me. I just wasn't expecting to be replaced so fast. It just hurt.

 

Dude, please don't justify cheating. No one said he was perfect, but that's no excuse for doing what you did. You basically took the low road and became the a--hole in this situation. There is never an excuse for cheating -- just end it like a decent person. Your post here makes me feel like you haven't learned and you don't realize how disrespectful cheating is.

 

And you can't be "hurt" by something you created. That's not cool. If anything, you should be happy if you actually cared about him.

[xoxoheather]

FYI I tried for months to make it work. I tried for months to get him to step up but he didn't. He was comfortable where he was. And I'm not justifying cheating, I'm just saying I wouldn't have cheated if our relationship was what it once was in the beginning. Kissing that guy (mind you I did not sleep with him or keep in contact with him my behind my ex's back) just made me realize that I need d to end the relationship. All I'm saying is I wouldn't have kissed that guy if I was happy in the relationship. Regardless, I still regretted breaking up with him. I thought I should have tried harder to make it work. He was still a great, loving guy, he just lacked ambition.

Edited September 18, 2015 by xoxoheather

[Blanco]

Please stop. You're going to end up making the people who didn't throw you under the bus look stupid.

[Simon Phoenix]

FYI I tried for months to make it work. I tried for months to get him to step up but he didn't. He was comfortable where he was. And I'm not justifying cheating, I'm just saying I wouldn't have cheated if our relationship was what it once was in the beginning. Kissing that guy (mind you I did not sleep with him or keep in contact with him my behind my ex's back) just made me realize that I need d to end the relationship. All I'm saying is I wouldn't have kissed that guy if I was happy in the relationship. Regardless, I still regretted breaking up with him. I thought I should have tried harder to make it work. He was still a great, loving guy, he just lacked ambition.

 

This is justifying cheating. No one wants to hear the "yeah, but" justification. No one cares about your reasons for cheating -- there isn't a good reason, so stop typing them. Unless you want people jumping down your throat again, of course. But you're really killing any sympathy people might have you by spinning it. You screwed up and did a bad thing. End of story. Own it, don't explain it.

[xoxoheather]

OMG I have had enough of people on this website. I was just trying to explain why I cheated because some people made it seem like I committed a heinous crime. I cheated and regretted it. I broke up with him because of it and regretted it. I've been miserable for the past three months over it so I think I'm getting what I deserve for being such a horrible girlfriend to him.

[Blanco]

OMG I have had enough of people on this website. I was just trying to explain why I cheated because some people made it seem like I committed a heinous crime. I cheated and regretted it. I broke up with him because of it and regretted it. I've been miserable for the past three months over it so I think I'm getting what I deserve for being such a horrible girlfriend to him.

 

What we're saying is that it doesn't matter WHY you cheated. Even if the guy is a scumbag, you end it and then pursue something else. I think people were too hard on you, but there's no justification for cheating. You made a mistake. You regret it. No need to elaborate on why, because explaining your reasoning IS justifying the action.

[Simon Phoenix]

OMG I have had enough of people on this website. I was just trying to explain why I cheated because some people made it seem like I committed a heinous crime. I cheated and regretted it. I broke up with him because of it and regretted it. I've been miserable for the past three months over it so I think I'm getting what I deserve for being such a horrible girlfriend to him.

 

Stop explaining. You cheated, it was bad, accept it and move forward. Stop digging a deeper hole. There is no reason to ever cheat on someone. If you're miserable, break up with them. If he's being a douche, break up with him. Don't fight his douchery with backstabbing and betrayal.

 

Just stop explaining it. It's not a good look. Accept that you screwed up by doing that and leave it be. Stop explaining it -- there is no acceptable explanation. That's all.

[Simon Phoenix]

What we're saying is that it doesn't matter WHY you cheated. Even if the guy is a scumbag, you end it and then pursue something else. I think people were too hard on you, but there's no justification for cheating. You made a mistake. You regret it. No need to elaborate on why, because explaining your reasoning IS justifying the action.

 

Exactly. The more you elaborate, the more it looks like you are trying to spin your inappropriate behavior. Just accept that you screwed up. That's it.