Would anyone stay in a marriage for the sake of children?

[blu3]

I'm in a dilemma situation if I should forgive my WH for his EA (he claimed it was) with his colleague or should I move on with my life with my 2 years old daughter.

 

After months of separation, only now he tries to persuade me to think of our daughter's future and rethink if we should get into the divorce route. He emphasized that our daughter doesn't need to have siblings bearing different surname. What has really upset me is that he was obviously not remorseful for his done as he still claimed that they are just friends, nothing physical.

 

Other facts:

- I'm financially stable.

- He has not been a supportive spouse (not helpful with house-chores or taking care of our little one since she was borned. I'm basically like a single parent)

- He has beaten me once when I was carelessly opening the car door without realising our daughter was standing by the door and caused her fall which injured her mouth and chin. He claimed that he wanted me to remember the incident so that I will be more careful in the future.

- People around me knowing us both commenting that it is the best time to leave him now.

- I have yet to file for divorce but consulted lawyer.

 

Q1: Should I consider to reconcile with him for the sake of our daughter?

Q2: If yes to Q1, should I confront AP if there is any physical involved?

Q3: If yes to Q1, I wonder how can I move on without having the thought or live in suspicion that he is or may be cheating on me again? I'm not strong mentally and worried I may go into depression for the stay.

 

Many thanks in advance for your sharing.

[TrustedthenBusted]

He beat you out of anger? And you are still wondering what you should do?

 

If you can't trust him not to HIT you, you can be assured that he is lying about his affair, and probably a whole bunch of other stuff.

 

You are already separated....keep going.

[katielee]

"- He has beaten me once "

 

I stopped reading right there. Done! Dealbreaker! Run!

[mrldii]

Personally, I wouldn't; personally, I feel it's too much of a burden to place on a child.

 

Child or not, any other factor, I would have been gone at this:

 

 

...He has beaten me once when I was carelessly opening the car door without realising our daughter was standing by the door and caused her fall which injured her mouth and chin. He claimed that he wanted me to remember the incident so that I will be more careful in the future...

 

Reads like something a parent would say to/about a child. Oh, and I don't believe in parents beating children to teach them a lesson...as his spouse/mate, I'm not his child...AND he's not going to use such tactics on my child(ren).

 

He should have been a little more concerned about the welfare of your daughter before beginning an affair with someone else; this is just one of the consequences of his poor choice(s).

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[qubist]

Reconciliation has define path he has not shown that he deserved one. It starts with him being remorseful which according to you he hasn't shown any. It is not for you to prove it was a PA he is the one that should prove it wasn't. I know all of this cant be expected the first day but he should at least present something more than just " divorce is bad for the daughter"

[Mr. Lucky]

I would do everything morally and ethically possible to make a struggling marriage work for the sake of my child.

 

He has beaten me once when I was carelessly opening the car door without realising our daughter was standing by the door and caused her fall which injured her mouth and chin. He claimed that he wanted me to remember the incident so that I will be more careful in the future.

 

Staying with an abuser - and setting that precedent for your child - is immoral and unethical. Dealbreaker...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

60% of girls and 70% of boys who have witnessed domestic violence in the home will become abusers themselves (or victims).

 

Staying in the marriage will NOT help the kids. Period.

[blu3]

Many thanks for those who replied.

 

Not sure if I should set aside that particular incident since it was only 1 incident for the past 10 years when I was with him.

 

Besides, he confessed that he has been thinking of divorcing as well during the cool down period of 3 months' time, but rethinking to try to make it work for our daughter's welfare.

 

It is my call now. Somehow, I feel like he is making me to be the bad guy to turn away for 2nd chance without considering our child's future.

[autumnnight]

Many thanks for those who replied.

 

Not sure if I should set aside that particular incident since it was only 1 incident for the past 10 years when I was with him.

 

Besides, he confessed that he has been thinking of divorcing as well during the cool down period of 3 months' time, but rethinking to try to make it work for our daughter's welfare.

 

It is my call now. Somehow, I feel like he is making me to be the bad guy to turn away for 2nd chance without considering our child's future.

 

Manipulation is a classic tactic of abusers.

[blu3]

Guess I pretty much know my path.. as my family and friends have been very supportive of my separation and soon to be divorcing.

 

It's maybe just me that is hesitating to let go this marriage..

 

Is there any websites for recovering from a despair / betrayal?

[qubist]

Guess I pretty much know my path.. as my family and friends have been very supportive of my separation and soon to be divorcing.

 

It's maybe just me that is hesitating to let go this marriage..

 

Is there any websites for recovering from a despair / betrayal?

do not feel guilty, your daughter will be fine. in fact is better for her if you are Divorced than being in bad marriage. with that being said Reconciliation is still a possibility except it requires a lot more than just " doing it for the sake of the children" that's not enough. he is putting on you to decide I would put it back on him saying that you would love to work on things but you haven't seen any concrete steps from him

[Celestial-dreamer]

I will advise you to walk, no not walk, RUN away, as fast as you can. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you using your daughter, that's damn low of him. He hasn't shown remorse for his A, he has considered D anyway, so what's behind his sudden change? You are stable, he is not I guess. That is all. Your his meal ticket. There is no love to see there. Don't be a doormat for him to wipe his dirty feet on. Plus as another poster says, he has to prove to you it wasn't a PA, have you spoken to his AP? Confirmed is story Have you asked for his phone/emails/fb info? Recovered the deleted stuff? there probably is way more behind this than he's told you

[fellini]

If he is so concerned about the daughter having a different surname, then you divorce him and change her name before she is old enough to know the difference.

[autumnnight]

Guess I pretty much know my path.. as my family and friends have been very supportive of my separation and soon to be divorcing.

 

It's maybe just me that is hesitating to let go this marriage..

 

Is there any websites for recovering from a despair / betrayal?

 

If you contact your local advocacy center, there are probably tons of resources and support out there, including groups and therapy.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

Not sure if I should set aside that particular incident since it was only 1 incident for the past 10 years when I was with him.

 

Never say "only" about a man who hits you.

 

Listen, you are sitting in a room full of people who are working with their spouses on some of the most difficult, traumatic, and horrendous betrayals we have ever experienced. And many of us are putting in YEARS of work trying to reconcile after the devastation of an affair.

 

This will be the hardest thing most of us have ever dealt with, and will ever deal with, but we work on it for the sake of ourselves, and many times, our kids.

 

 

 

And still, with all of that going on, ALL of us are still like, "whoa... he HIT you? Nope. Nuh-uh.... Outta there! Done Deal. Buh-Bye."

 

I'd listen to that.

[mrldii]

Never say "only" about a man who hits you.

 

Listen, you are sitting in a room full of people who are working with their spouses on some of the most difficult, traumatic, and horrendous betrayals we have ever experienced. And many of us are putting in YEARS of work trying to reconcile after the devastation of an affair.

 

This will be the hardest thing most of us have ever dealt with, and will ever deal with, but we work on it for the sake of ourselves, and many times, our kids.

 

 

 

And still, with all of that going on, ALL of us are still like, "whoa... he HIT you? Nope. Nuh-uh.... Outta there! Done Deal. Buh-Bye."

 

I'd listen to that.

 

Yeah. Rumor has it, the first time is the hardest one to do...after that, the rest of the hits/beatings come much easier.

 

Aside from that little factoid, I was also *struck* by the reason given. Has DH figured out a different way to 'teach you a lesson you won't readily forget'?

 

Oh, look at that...that's my problem with it: whoTF is he to be 'teaching lessons' to other grown adults?!? And, whereTF did he get the idea that the way to teach another (perhaps even his own daughter) a lesson is with a beating?!?

 

[Whatnotagain]

Physical Assault should always be a deal breaker for you and for any other woman. Men don't get to hit women, they can beat the sh*t out of each other if they feel inclined, but not a woman. That being said, how long ago did this assault occur and have you followed through by notifying the Police that you were assaulted by him? You need to do this not only to protect yourself, but to protect others that he may be involved with after you. This is too serious of a thing to just throw out there as something that has happened to you and then not follow through by notifying the Police.

[Mr. Lucky]

Only 1 incident of being beaten

 

So far...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

It's best to get out now. People who cheat so early in the marriage spell more trouble ahead.

 

Your daughter is young enough to adjust and if she has a responsible step father in the future, that's a bonus. He doesn't want you to be with another man - well he should have thought about that when he messed around.

 

You can always double barrel your daughters name if you remarry.

 

Move on and leave him. You hurt your daughter by accident and he beats you!!!!!! Enough said.

[blu3]

The accident took place in Oct 2014 when our daughter was merely 15 months and I could understand the rage inside him to vent on me.

 

No, no police report. I kept this beating incident to myself until the affair discovery in June 2015 and I revealed it to my in-laws. Of course for them, they are siding their son, with the following thoughts:

- that our relationship for the recent years has gone worse which leaded him to his EA.

- that he is now asking for reconciliation and I should consider.

 

One of the possibilities that he is now asking for reconciliation may be due to the pressure from his parents. But he denied it.

[66Charger]

You could understand the rage inside him to beat on you?

You are severly damaged. I want to proceed wuth caution and not raun down on that thought process to harshly, so let me spell it out slowly.

 

Your..."husband"....beat...you.

 

Your husband AND his f%@$ in family are the worst kind of people. They justify beating on their wives/daughter in law.

 

Now, lets pretend your from my side of town and you are from my family and you call and say your husband beat you. There would be 4 people hunting this man down and you would not have the choice to stay with him.

 

There is no need for you to discuss anything else with your in laws. Nothing. There us no reason to stay for a second beating. There is no need for counseling. There is no need for closure.

 

You were beat down....by your husband.

 

What is the matter with you? Why are you "understanding" a beating? Because of a accident? Because it was a year ago? Do you not have family? Brothers, father, mother?

 

Did you take any pictures after your beating?

 

There us another thread on the seperation and divorce sude, by learning to breathe. Read and i will ask her to post on your thread. She is dumping the weasel

[m.snow]

your Title says it all, no one stay's just for the kids.

you stay because you love your husband.

 

He beat you once? is that once since you were married? has owned up to it?

beating? is very bad you have constant physical abuse.

 

how did he beat you?

 

if you wanna work on this marriage it require some counseling. IC and MC

and yeah do find out about the OW

demand everything full access to email phone and no delete messages.

[Rainbowlove]

The accident took place in Oct 2014 when our daughter was merely 15 months and I could understand the rage inside him to vent on me.

 

My son climbed on the stove and grabbed the hot burner, while my wife was in the kitchen not paying attention. He was 1 years old. Big ugly hole in the palm of his hand. It was summer time and I was so afraid of infection.

 

Did I beat my wife? No. Nothing I could do could have made her feel worse than she already did.

 

Don't make excuses for him. Nothing you did deserved his violent reaction. Nothing.

 

If he's capable of punching you, he's capable of punching your daughter. That's my fear.

 

Go to the police. You don't need a reason for a restraining order. Fear alone is enough reason.

 

Leave him.

Edited September 18, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[blu3]

your Title says it all, no one stay's just for the kids.

you stay because you love your husband.

 

He beat you once? is that once since you were married? has owned up to it?

beating? is very bad you have constant physical abuse.

 

how did he beat you?

 

if you wanna work on this marriage it require some counseling. IC and MC

and yeah do find out about the OW

demand everything full access to email phone and no delete messages.

 

Yes, once since we were married in Dec 2011. The accident was in Oct 2014.

He was punching on my lap for >15x when he turned around from the driver seat to the passenger seat at the back and I was comforting baby who was in shock and pain.

 

At the Emergency Room while waiting for her pediatrician, he slapped me twice on my face till I fell on the floor and avoided me to go near my baby.

 

I must admit that it is not a constant abuse. It was just an one-off incident. I have taken my revenge on him during the affair discovery and punched him back on his arm. He did not hit me back.

 

I requested to see their conversations on his phone but he failed to do so as he is still deleting them. This action proves to me that they are not merely friends as he claims.

[katielee]

Honey- leave. He physically abused you multiple times. In one day!!!!