Would anyone stay in a marriage for the sake of children?

[katielee]

Honey- leave. He physically abused you multiple times. In one day!!!!

[road]

Yes, once since we were married in Dec 2011. The accident was in Oct 2014.

He was punching on my lap for >15x when he turned around from the driver seat to the passenger seat at the back and I was comforting baby who was in shock and pain.

 

At the Emergency Room while waiting for her pediatrician, he slapped me twice on my face till I fell on the floor and avoided me to go near my baby.

 

I must admit that it is not a constant abuse. It was just an one-off incident. I have taken my revenge on him during the affair discovery and punched him back on his arm. He did not hit me back.

 

I requested to see their conversations on his phone but he failed to do so as he is still deleting them. This action proves to me that they are not merely friends as he claims.

 

 

 

There has not been justification for your WH to hit you. There never will be.

 

 

Leave your WH now so your DD does not have to grow up under the situation as is in your family.

[learning to breathe]

Hi blu3,

 

:sick:I am shaken after reading your post and i am horribly saddened. i do not have any kids but i had a miscarriage after stressing over an abusive husband. i know what it is like to be abused. i am only 27 years old and i am going through a divorce.

 

trust me it isnt easy, however i found it to be easier when i started to live for me and who i want to be, who i know i am and i hope you do the same for you and your daughter.

 

i never thought my husband would ever beat me, no one wants to think that but, if they do not love themselves, there is no way they could ever EVER love you believe me. look at me, 10 years, 27 years old i am now just realizing that everything that has happened, everything has gone on is NOT and i repeat NOT right at all. no man should put their hands on any woman and that goes vice versa.

 

the time abuse started it was calling me names, then it moved to yelling at me and calling me names, then it was a slap, then a punch to the back of the head, the choking me (i blacked out and was kicking and screaming, pleading for my life and his eyes were lifeless) i will NEVER forget that day. he was always irritated for the smallest things, even a napkin on the floor he would flip. he has no real connection with his family, his dad left him when he was younger and he has seen his dad actually beat his mother, but although there is no connection with his family, they like your husbands family take his side over everything and just accept it.

 

that is sick. and you have a daughter i cant even imagine. I kind of get an idea because we have two cats and they are scared of him when he grunts over picking up something heavy, our even raising his voice to me. can you imagine your daughter feeling this way? i struggle when i hear strangers yelling and i start to shake and i am a woman and your daughter is still a child and this will do more harm than good just choosing to stay with someone who has the audacity to hurt you for no reason.

 

i just discovered that he was talking to 3 women and had lots of pictures of them on his phone. it didnt hurt me all that much because i am so far gone with living for him and not living for me.

 

blu3 no one can tell you what to do, but look at me it took me 10 years to finally realize, dont let this be you, be strong, please get your children away from this abuse and pain because it will stay with them forever. it will just get worse before it gets better. please i dont want you to go through the same thing as i have. ive also found that having alone time, you time you will have a clearer mind and make better decisions than being around him and having clouded judgement.

 

do you have any family to go to for the time being? have you reached out to a domestic hotline for any help? do you think he would be open to therapy? i have gone to therapy but i went alone because he felt that no one else could help him and look at where we are today. look where i am at today.

 

i was alone when he beat me.

i am alone, still, now to this day.

 

but guess what? if you believe in you, and you love your children, you will do what is right for yall not for someone who doesnt care and abuse you for no reason.

 

please keep us posted. i want to know how you are, you are very strong and i commend you for coming on here and posting about what is going on in your marriage.

 

xoxo.

learning to breathe.

[ShatteredLady]

THINK OF YOUR DAUGHTER!

 

That's what I ended-up doing! Everything I endured over a period of time left me incredibly depressed. I had very little self-respect. I was very confused & made all of the excuses in the book. I was so lost & broken. I'd become far too reliant on my H. I'm a people pleaser & that makes me very prone to looking for fault in myself rather than those I love.

 

I was such a mess! I didn't know if I'd deserved the treatment I received. I didn't know anything for sure EXCEPT - I LOVE my children. I would do absolutely ANYTHING for them. I would sacrifice myself for them without a second thought. That's my ONE TRUTH!

 

So....If my daughter (when grown) came to me & told me what she had endured in her marriage what would I advise her? What would I want for her? In my heart would I excuse her H & tell her "He only beat you to the ground once darling. That's what a wife should expect when she messes-up!". "he's degrading you, screwing another woman my sweet child, you don't deserve any better. You're not good enough for a good man". "I love you but you aren't worthy of real love & respect from a man. Keep quiet, suck it up & take whatever he throws at you".

 

NO! NO! NO!

 

If you can't do this for you do it for your daughter. My knowledge of human psychology tells me he's not being a great, loving, respectful, loyal, good man the rest of the time. Your daughter is learning EVERYTHING from you. You are teaching her about life & relationships.

 

Teach her what a strong, powerful woman role model looks like. Respect yourself so SHE can grow to respect YOU & herself.

[Grapesofwrath]

Yes, once since we were married in Dec 2011. The accident was in Oct 2014.

He was punching on my lap for >15x when he turned around from the driver seat to the passenger seat at the back and I was comforting baby who was in shock and pain.

 

At the Emergency Room while waiting for her pediatrician, he slapped me twice on my face till I fell on the floor and avoided me to go near my baby.

 

I must admit that it is not a constant abuse. It was just an one-off incident. I have taken my revenge on him during the affair discovery and punched him back on his arm. He did not hit me back.

 

I requested to see their conversations on his phone but he failed to do so as he is still deleting them. This action proves to me that they are not merely friends as he claims.

 

He assaulted you twice in one day, and once in the Emergency Room? Did no one witness this? There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior. None. Immediate dealbreaker. Go back to your lawyer and get the process moving. He beats you, cheats on you, lies to you, lives off your income, and comes from a family of cruel misogynists. You can only go up from here.

[nightmare01]

It appears to me that you are in an abusive relationship. So I say that you should get out.

 

As to your question about BS's that stay for the kids.

 

I know MANY BH who are doing just that. Why? Because the way the courts are set up, many times even if the woman has an affair, she will get primary custody + child support + alimony. Many men feel the courts are unfair about this.

 

What man will willingly relinquish even part of the raising of their child to an OM? These guys are not stellar characters - and there are MANY cases of abuse, even murder of children by step fathers. Sure there are exceptions, but even if abuse is the exception rather than the rule, what man would want to stand still for that? What father would willingly take that chance?

 

I for one have DAUGHTERS. And the very thought of OM raising his hand to them when I was not around is just too much for me the bear.

 

Sure WW's will insist that their OM would NEVER do that... but remember these guys swore before God, family, and friends to remain faithful, so you'll pardon me if I have some doubt about their reliability.

 

That's why a lot of BH stay in the marriage. Many of these guys make the best of a bad situation and do their best to have a good relationship with their wives. Many of these men eventually do fall back in love with their wives, even though the reason why they stayed initially was due to their children - and these men stay in their marriages even after their kids are grown. Other men do the best they can with their marriages, then when the kids are grown, the divorce and move on with their lives. The "cause" of this divorce is rarely attributed to the affair.

[blu3]

He assaulted you twice in one day, and once in the Emergency Room? Did no one witness this? There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior. None. Immediate dealbreaker. Go back to your lawyer and get the process moving. He beats you, cheats on you, lies to you, lives off your income, and comes from a family of cruel misogynists. You can only go up from here.

 

The ER's door was closed and no CCTV in it so no witness of the assault.

 

Yes, there is more CONS than PROS to stay on in this marriage. My main concern is only for my daughter. But ShatteredLady is right that I should set as a role model to my daughter that it is not right I'm to be treated this way. Again, she is very young now and, he promised that there is no more cheating and beating. I also know that his words can't be trusted.

 

The only PROS to stay is for our daughter to have a "complete" family with dad and mom and also, that I still love him. It's very much heartache to think about his infidelity but every morning or every minute I will check if he has dropped me a message on my phone. So pathetic. I should have moved on. It's just too fast to accept the fact that out of a sudden my closest one for the past 10 years has changed his love to someone else than me.

 

I need to WAKE UP!

Edited September 18, 2015 by blu3

[Mr. Lucky]

The only PROS to stay is for our daughter to have a "complete" family with dad and mom and also, that I still love him.

 

Although not unusual for abuse victims, sad to see you say this. This is a man that has twice physically assaulted you and been unfaithful on top of that. Can't help but wonder what it would take for you to feel differently about him.

 

blu3, do you think he loves you ???

 

Should warn you, there's no good answer to that question. If the answer is "yes", he has no qualms about punching and slapping someone he loves, your daughter could be next. If the answer is "no", then why stay?

 

Hope you get the help and support you need...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

I know it's likely the hardest thing you will ever do. It's terrifying isn't it? It's even more scary for you because he's obliterated your self worth, dreams, fantasies, everything.

 

I think it's you & your beautiful girl now. That's a lovely little family full of love, unconditional love, trust, kindness.... Take pride in what you have & who you are.

 

Can you seek legal advise to see where you stand?

[blu3]

Although not unusual for abuse victims, sad to see you say this. This is a man that has twice physically assaulted you and been unfaithful on top of that. Can't help but wonder what it would take for you to feel differently about him.

 

blu3, do you think he loves you ???

 

Should warn you, there's no good answer to that question. If the answer is "yes", he has no qualms about punching and slapping someone he loves, your daughter could be next. If the answer is "no", then why stay?

 

Hope you get the help and support you need...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You are right. When I did ask him if he still love me? The answer I got is our daughter and I are both important to him. So again can see it is the obligation left in this marriage. Sad to accept yet again another fact.

 

Just hope that I will stay strong for my gal and she will grow up healthily even with the missing love from a dad.

[waterwoman]

No.

 

And in the case of your marriage no many times over.

 

You've done the worst bit. You've got him out the door and coped without him fine for months. Don't go back on this.

 

Good luck xx

[fellini]

About the POST then.

 

YES and NO.

 

In my view, a couple should not stay together, for example, for the sake of young, or infant children who have yet to form their worldviews about family, love, companionship, trust, etc. Because to teach a child in the formative years that it's okay to "settle" on a loveless life and marriage is to me an abuse of our responsibilities as parents.

 

THAT SAID.

 

In my own case I discovered my WW's infidelity when our daughter was around 9 years old. During the recovery and reconciliation months I began to ask myself this question of "do I stay for our daughter". And in my case, working on repairing the marriage, but also working on ensuring I could leave without regret, I realised I could, in fact, continue to live in this place and provide a peaceful environment for a limited time. What I didn't want was to announce to her mid school year that we were no longer a family. I thought IF I LEAVE I will do it during her summer holidays to give her time to adjust, and not adversly affect her daily life.

 

But no, I would not stay for years on end if I truly want what is BEST for my daughter I want her to learn, that among other things, "if there is no love to give, don't give it."

[Lois_Griffin]

Guess I pretty much know my path.. as my family and friends have been very supportive of my separation and soon to be divorcing.

 

It's maybe just me that is hesitating to let go this marriage..

 

Is there any websites for recovering from a despair / betrayal?

Yes there are. And a lot of them are filled with deluded betrayed spouses who'll continue to swallow their pride and stay with their cheater no matter how many times they've been screwed over.

 

But I don't know of any websites that will feed your need to defend this piece of sh*t abuser and actually try to convince you it would be a good idea to go back to him.

[whatatangledweb]

I'm in a dilemma situation if I should forgive my WH for his EA (he claimed it was) with his colleague or should I move on with my life with my 2 years old daughter.

 

After months of separation, only now he tries to persuade me to think of our daughter's future and rethink if we should get into the divorce route. He emphasized that our daughter doesn't need to have siblings bearing different surname. What has really upset me is that he was obviously not remorseful for his done as he still claimed that they are just friends, nothing physical.

 

Other facts:

- I'm financially stable.

- He has not been a supportive spouse (not helpful with house-chores or taking care of our little one since she was borned. I'm basically like a single parent)

- He has beaten me once when I was carelessly opening the car door without realising our daughter was standing by the door and caused her fall which injured her mouth and chin. He claimed that he wanted me to remember the incident so that I will be more careful in the future.

- People around me knowing us both commenting that it is the best time to leave him now.

- I have yet to file for divorce but consulted lawyer.

 

Q1: Should I consider to reconcile with him for the sake of our daughter?

Q2: If yes to Q1, should I confront AP if there is any physical involved?

Q3: If yes to Q1, I wonder how can I move on without having the thought or live in suspicion that he is or may be cheating on me again? I'm not strong mentally and worried I may go into depression for the stay.

 

Many thanks in advance for your sharing.

 

This was like my first marriage. Please leave. If he beat you once he will do it again. Did he ever push you or slap you before that? My 1st husband was always so sorry and cried when he did hit me . Then he wouldn't do it for a few months and repeat. I would pack my things and feel so bad for him that I would stay. You do not want your daughter around that. Then he cheats on top of it...no,no,no. Get a divorce.

[ladydesigner]

(((blu3))) physical abuse is never okay and it was also done in front of and affected your daughter too. Physical abuse should always be a dealbreaker.

 

I would continue with D and find a divorce care group and maybe a counselor of your own to help you through the emotions.

[S2B]

Changing things is only up to you.

 

What are you doing now to change this for yourself and your daughter?

[Lurkeraspect]

Many thanks for those who replied.

 

Not sure if I should set aside that particular incident since it was only 1 incident for the past 10 years when I was with him.

 

Besides, he confessed that he has been thinking of divorcing as well during the cool down period of 3 months' time, but rethinking to try to make it work for our daughter's welfare.

 

It is my call now. Somehow, I feel like he is making me to be the bad guy to turn away for 2nd chance without considering our child's future.

 

I have not read past this post on page 1. Please, proceed with your life. Alone, divorced, moving on from this man. NO, you most certainly don't stay with an abusive man (not once, not twice, not ever) because, you know, it can be a matter of life and/or death. Also, you are a very important role model for your child. Best not be showing the child that it's A-okay to be abused by anyone, much less their spouse. Yes please, move on. Post haste. I'm certainly not an advocate for a hasty divorce, but if anyone needs to, it's you. Today. Never give an abuser a second chance to repeat. Go.

[Strongrunner]

I'm the result of my parents just staying together for us kids. We had to overhear the fights, my dad beating my mum on a regular basis to name a few! I begged my mum lots of times to leave or boot him out. One time she did after he beat me up and nearly put me in the hospital, for stepping in front of him when he was beating my mum. I thought that was the end of it, 24 hours passed and he was back. He would put my mum down so much she didn't have the confidence to stand up to him. He did the same to me and my sister I had no confidence for years.

 

It has since put me off marriage, I met a lovely man that I was with for 15 years and I didn't marry him. He asked many times and I just didn't want to get married. I just thought if I wasn't married if I ever had to leave I could do it easier. I always thought it was because she was married and she had us. I think it was down to my mum being so weak and downbeaten she couldn't do it. Yes she is still with him, even though he has had 2 affairs. It just makes me angry when women just take the abuse and the affairs. Some believe it's because we are human and make mistakes. But how many times can you forgive? I think staying for the kids sake just doesn't work. Also think about it life is short, what about your life? You could potentially meet someone else. Your kids could still have a relationship with their dad. The kids grow up and have their life, you should live yours now too!

[cocorico]

I could understand the rage inside him to vent on me.

 

This:

 

He was punching on my lap for >15x when he turned around from the driver seat to the passenger seat at the back and I was comforting baby who was in shock and pain.

 

At the Emergency Room while waiting for her pediatrician, he slapped me twice on my face till I fell on the floor and avoided me to go near my baby.

 

...does not sound like a moment of rage. It sounds like a sustained attack, in front of an already traumatised child. And then, repeated later, in a public place where he clearly didn't care who might see him.

 

To imply that this:

I have taken my revenge on him during the affair discovery and punched him back on his arm.

 

...is anywhere near being of the same magnitude is rationalisation.

 

And him convincing you to understand his beating you up - that's abusive in itself, because now he doesn't even need to lift a hand to you. The "post-hypnotic suggestion" he's left imprinted will do the job for him.

 

Do not consider reconciling. You are not doing your daughter any favours. She does not need to witness her mother being abused any more. The best favour you can do her is showing her women can be strong, can leave situations of abuse and can flourish, accepting love only when it's respectful and genuine. You do not want your daughter one day to think that it is her role to accept being treated like rubbish by some man who beats her because his masculinity feels threatened. Why settle for that, yourself?

[cocorico]

You are right. When I did ask him if he still love me? The answer I got is our daughter and I are both important to him. So again can see it is the obligation left in this marriage. Sad to accept yet again another fact.

 

Just hope that I will stay strong for my gal and she will grow up healthily even with the missing love from a dad.

 

It is not love if it is toxic. She will be better off without "love" that is happy to traumatise her by beating up her mother in front of her.

[blu3]

I'm the result of my parents just staying together for us kids. We had to overhear the fights, my dad beating my mum on a regular basis to name a few! I begged my mum lots of times to leave or boot him out. One time she did after he beat me up and nearly put me in the hospital, for stepping in front of him when he was beating my mum. I thought that was the end of it, 24 hours passed and he was back. He would put my mum down so much she didn't have the confidence to stand up to him. He did the same to me and my sister I had no confidence for years.

 

It has since put me off marriage, I met a lovely man that I was with for 15 years and I didn't marry him. He asked many times and I just didn't want to get married. I just thought if I wasn't married if I ever had to leave I could do it easier. I always thought it was because she was married and she had us. I think it was down to my mum being so weak and downbeaten she couldn't do it. Yes she is still with him, even though he has had 2 affairs. It just makes me angry when women just take the abuse and the affairs. Some believe it's because we are human and make mistakes. But how many times can you forgive? I think staying for the kids sake just doesn't work. Also think about it life is short, what about your life? You could potentially meet someone else. Your kids could still have a relationship with their dad. The kids grow up and have their life, you should live yours now too!

 

I really appreciate all of your feedbacks, especially those coming from the "kids" perspective. I have read a lot from other forums as well whether or not to maintain a "complete" family is of that important for a kid to grow healthily mentally and emotionally. Some said they are not given a chance to receive the love from the missing parent as only got to meet up for a limited time. Some said they wish their parents are separated so that they could be happier to have happy step families instead of encountering non-stop fighting from their own parents.

 

One thing is very much different compared with the older time is that we can easily keep in touch even if we are not staying together. Thanks to the technology! If there is a will, there is a way. If he really loves our daughter, he will in any ways show her his love no matter how. Just don't hope that he will fight the custody with me.

 

So I guess yay! I'm moving on without hesitation!

[Strongrunner]

I admire your decision I just wish my Mum had done the same all those years ago. Yes where there is a will there is a way your daughter can still have that relationship with her father, whilst you can move on and keep out of harms way. Keep strong and stick to your decision, don't let him talk you round. He will just fall back to his old ways, he will never change! Take care.

 

 

 

I really appreciate all of your feedbacks, especially those coming from the "kids" perspective. I have read a lot from other forums as well whether or not to maintain a "complete" family is of that important for a kid to grow healthily mentally and emotionally. Some said they are not given a chance to receive the love from the missing parent as only got to meet up for a limited time. Some said they wish their parents are separated so that they could be happier to have happy step families instead of encountering non-stop fighting from their own parents.

 

One thing is very much different compared with the older time is that we can easily keep in touch even if we are not staying together. Thanks to the technology! If there is a will, there is a way. If he really loves our daughter, he will in any ways show her his love no matter how. Just don't hope that he will fight the custody with me.

 

So I guess yay! I'm moving on without hesitation!

[sidney2718]

I'm the result of my parents just staying together for us kids. We had to overhear the fights, my dad beating my mum on a regular basis to name a few! I begged my mum lots of times to leave or boot him out. One time she did after he beat me up and nearly put me in the hospital, for stepping in front of him when he was beating my mum. I thought that was the end of it, 24 hours passed and he was back. He would put my mum down so much she didn't have the confidence to stand up to him. He did the same to me and my sister I had no confidence for years.

 

It has since put me off marriage, I met a lovely man that I was with for 15 years and I didn't marry him. He asked many times and I just didn't want to get married. I just thought if I wasn't married if I ever had to leave I could do it easier. I always thought it was because she was married and she had us. I think it was down to my mum being so weak and downbeaten she couldn't do it. Yes she is still with him, even though he has had 2 affairs. It just makes me angry when women just take the abuse and the affairs. Some believe it's because we are human and make mistakes. But how many times can you forgive? I think staying for the kids sake just doesn't work. Also think about it life is short, what about your life? You could potentially meet someone else. Your kids could still have a relationship with their dad. The kids grow up and have their life, you should live yours now too!

 

I think this post is very important. Divorce your husband NOW. Yesterday would even be better. If he wants to do something important for your daughter, tell him to work very hard on his coparenting skills, because the two of you will spend years raising your child.

 

It can be a successful divorce if the two of you cooperate on raising the child, cooperate on not fighting anywhere around her (not fighting at all would be even better) and dealing with your child with a common front--all disagreements to be discussed when she's not able to hear.

[S2B]

I hope you've been able to move. A quick move is necessary. Don't allow him to know you're moving. I hope you can get moved immediately.

 

If needed, seek the help of a woman's shelter in your area.

[No Limit]

No, I wouldn't. And violence would be enough reason for me to flee with and for my children.