Would anyone stay in a marriage for the sake of children?

[blu3]

I have decided to file for divorce and arranged for an appointment to meet with my lawyer next week. But when I found out that he is still calling and meeting her while we are not officially divorced, my heart feels so pain. How can I overcome this betrayal and hatred feeling soon enough? I know time may be the only medicine but it's killing me softly now.

[Spectre]

He hit you so you need to get out. But let us set that aside and look at the cheating for a second. Emotional or physical cheating..it doesn't matter, the point is he was unfaithful. So even if you remove the abuse from the equation you have a legit reason to leave.

 

As for the kids..I know people who have indeed stayed in marriages after being cheated on for the kids. The thing is..this doesn't need to be done. I mean no disrespect to people who have done it, but as long as a child knows you love them they can handle a lot more then people think. Kids also pick up on things and they will pick up on the tension and the unhappiness because lets face it you won't be able to put on a smile 100% of the time.

 

For me it is also about role models. You have a daughter. I realize she is only 2, but when she is older she will ask questions. If she was grown and had kids and had a husband that cheated on her..what would you advise?

[Spectre]

I have decided to file for divorce and arranged for an appointment to meet with my lawyer next week. But when I found out that he is still calling and meeting her while we are not officially divorced, my heart feels so pain. How can I overcome this betrayal and hatred feeling soon enough? I know time may be the only medicine but it's killing me softly now.

 

Just try to think of this as..this man can't steal anymore years of your life. Let him go be with this other woman, he's a chump.

 

I've also found weed helps lol.

[toolforgrowth]

Staying in an unhealthy relationship "for the sake of the children" does them more harm than good. Far more harm.

 

My daughter and I grew so much closer when her mom and I divorced. I actually had the time, energy, and desire to connect with her, because my marriage was no longer sucking up all my emotional energy. She is a smart, kind, sweet, affectionate, well-adjusted 8 year old whose life is BETTER because she now has two invested parents. Her mother and I are much happier divorced, and it translates into our relationships with our daughter.

 

The man BEAT you. He's a direct threat to your safety.

[toolforgrowth]

I've also found weed helps lol.

 

I give you the highest of fives, good sir. Pun most definitely intended.

[Lion Heart]

Dear blu3

 

I look at my darling daughter now who's almost 23 years old! I am grateful every time I think of it that I upped and left her father and yes I did it for her. I left for her. I didn't want my precious baby girl witnessing the behaviours of her dad and thinking this was "normal", then marrying a man like him and suffering like I did. Children learn from the behaviours of their role models. What they DO, not what they SAY. I left DD father when she was 9 months old. After 2 one night stands starting on his first father's day when my daughter was ill with a temp of 41.9 degrees C. Oh and the night of the morning I'd had sex with him twice for Father's Day! (Sorry that was crude but thems the facts!). It's not all about sex. Some are just crazy!

 

I continued to rent while working hard getting promotions and bought my first house, then upgraded to a lovely 4 bedder with water views, then an investment property. My daughter excelled at school scoring in the top 5% of the state in national exams.

 

No I'm not showing off I'm showing you your possibilities WITHOUT this man in your life dominating all sense out of you.

 

This daughter is with the most beautiful partner I could imagine for her. They have a gorgeous son, she's studying psychology and almost own their first home. She's soaring! And they are both beautiful parents.

 

Yes I remarried, said no to two men before I said yes to this husband and it hasn't been good lately BUT in all the latest garbage I had waves of regret in re-marrying to my DD as I felt I may as well stayed with her father. My DD said "NO WAY! Should you have stayed with dad! Look at HIS two children living with him, they're sad and depressed, always struggled at school, dad never stopped sleeping with other women and his wife is crazy!"

 

Life rarely goes to plan. Quite too often we are given a HUGE MOUNTAIN of sh** sandwiches, maybe we just find the tomato sauce to add while we swallow them down.

 

I employed many mind techniques to recover from that first massive dose of infidelity. PM me if you want to.

 

I know you still love him. It's hard. It's totally not about him anymore. It's entirely about you. Then your daughter. Maybe your WH story will pan out like my exWH - sure looks like it! Same parents in law too. No speak to them. Hang with people who LIFT you up and out of this mire. You'll be glad SO SO GLAD you left one day. Those people who do ACTUALLY love you will continue to love and support you. As you develop the knowledge that you're pretty awesome (lol) you will attract better and better people. Sounds like you've got some gems already.

 

Best wishes darling. You are someone's daughter too and deserve to be 100% out of that horrible marriage.

 

Xx

Lion Heart.

[Spectre]

I'm curious if people think that "staying for the kids" is actually somewhat disrespectful? I don't mean disrespectful to the person who cheated or the kids..but rather, well, people tend to stay "for the kids" for one of two reasons:

 

1-they don't want to have to be away from their children

2-they feel the divorce would cause major harm to the children

 

So number 1 is fine, but is #2 disrespectful to all the single parents out there? That essentially a child will be emotionally wounded for life if they aren't raised by two parents.

[blu3]

Dear blu3

 

I look at my darling daughter now who's almost 23 years old! I am grateful every time I think of it that I upped and left her father and yes I did it for her. I left for her. I didn't want my precious baby girl witnessing the behaviours of her dad and thinking this was "normal", then marrying a man like him and suffering like I did. Children learn from the behaviours of their role models. What they DO, not what they SAY. I left DD father when she was 9 months old. After 2 one night stands starting on his first father's day when my daughter was ill with a temp of 41.9 degrees C. Oh and the night of the morning I'd had sex with him twice for Father's Day! (Sorry that was crude but thems the facts!). It's not all about sex. Some are just crazy!

 

I continued to rent while working hard getting promotions and bought my first house, then upgraded to a lovely 4 bedder with water views, then an investment property. My daughter excelled at school scoring in the top 5% of the state in national exams.

 

No I'm not showing off I'm showing you your possibilities WITHOUT this man in your life dominating all sense out of you.

 

This daughter is with the most beautiful partner I could imagine for her. They have a gorgeous son, she's studying psychology and almost own their first home. She's soaring! And they are both beautiful parents.

 

Yes I remarried, said no to two men before I said yes to this husband and it hasn't been good lately BUT in all the latest garbage I had waves of regret in re-marrying to my DD as I felt I may as well stayed with her father. My DD said "NO WAY! Should you have stayed with dad! Look at HIS two children living with him, they're sad and depressed, always struggled at school, dad never stopped sleeping with other women and his wife is crazy!"

 

Life rarely goes to plan. Quite too often we are given a HUGE MOUNTAIN of sh** sandwiches, maybe we just find the tomato sauce to add while we swallow them down.

 

I employed many mind techniques to recover from that first massive dose of infidelity. PM me if you want to.

 

I know you still love him. It's hard. It's totally not about him anymore. It's entirely about you. Then your daughter. Maybe your WH story will pan out like my exWH - sure looks like it! Same parents in law too. No speak to them. Hang with people who LIFT you up and out of this mire. You'll be glad SO SO GLAD you left one day. Those people who do ACTUALLY love you will continue to love and support you. As you develop the knowledge that you're pretty awesome (lol) you will attract better and better people. Sounds like you've got some gems already.

 

Best wishes darling. You are someone's daughter too and deserve to be 100% out of that horrible marriage.

 

Xx

Lion Heart.

 

I'm so grateful to receive your share of experience with me, Lion Heart. This is such a great encouragement to me for my current action plan.

 

Yes, I'm proceeding to file for divorce even though he has made it clear that he is not paying a single cent of compensation, being spouse maintenance or child support, to me as I'm earning much more than him. He claimed that he can barely survive after house and car instalments but refused to sell off the BMW which was loaned under my name. He said I'm humiliating him to sell off the BMW and downgrade his car. He is just living with his egoism.

 

And yes, he also made it clear that he is not paying any visit to our daughter after divorced. He claimed that she will have another father once I remarry (which the possibility is remained unknown) and it will look weird for her to call 2 persons both as "daddy". Such a lame excuse.

 

Anyway, again if there is a will, there is a way. It just shows how much is his love for our daughter. I can't force his love to her. I will just love her with all I can, just like you Lion Heart.

 

He did ask for reconciliation, which was happened when I called him for asset arrangement. He refused to meet up in person for a talk. It is obvious that he asked for the reconciliation just for the sake of money and remained as a so-called "complete family". His parents are not happy with him ending the marriage and are chasing him out from their home. That's why he has to maintain a house instalment on the property that we have invested 2 years ago.

Note:

1. We are from an ASEAN country so our culture is slightly different from Western that we are staying with parents even after married.

2. The property that I have a 50% share in it, I'm only given back my share of deposit without the risk factors that I have undertaken for this investment. No profit, no interest, no compensation on opportunity cost or inflation rate => 0.

3. He told me that his parents will support our child if she is staying with them, whether we are divorcing or not. So he was saying if I'm surrendering child custody to him, I do not need to worry about giving any child support, which obviously I'm not giving up my daughter. She is my only support now to get me stand up again.

4. He was raising his voice when he was talking about this reconciliation proposal. He told me reconcile now or never and if yes, I'm returning to his home myself. Such an ego person that I have married to. I was really blinded with love.

 

So yay, I'm not considering his proposal for reconciliation. It is nothing out of love which we need to maintain a marriage. It will only give him more chance to hurt me, even though he verbally promised no repeated mistakes on this infidelity and no solid action plan to prove or convince me.

 

Shall give you all more updates after my appointment with my lawyer next Tuesday. It's gonna be a very tough settlement. Just hope that we can settle amicably.

[Lion Heart]

Dear blu

 

Yes some type of posting status is required to PM. Sorry I forgot that. Just returned to LS after a few months break. We can communicate here. I don't have a private email address and work one is high security. No personal emails.

 

You will get guidance and comfort here somewhat. The rest is up to you but you can do it. I'm sure of it.

 

A few questions / notes from your update:

 

* how is it legal that the car in YOUR name is in HIS possession? That's not legal there surely??? He's manipulating you. What a rude, arrogant man! Embarrassing him? Too proud to downsize from a Beamer??? Poor thing. No. This must be resolved asap. Through your lawyer obviously as he makes no sense.

If he goes with you and have a friend with you to RE-FINANCE that loan then fine! Neither You nor your daughter will be in it again, according to his forecast, so he should be fine with that. He won't be but it needs resolving. You will need a clean honest slate on every level possible. A good credit rating is important.

I know I'd get heavy there and work hard to get that done.

 

* it's very good that your in-laws are "with you" on the accommodation front for now. I hope I'm wrong! But as the waters get muddier blood becomes thicker than water. They may move to his side over time or jump suddenly. You need your plan if this relationship goes west. Also WHEN you start dating again and it may not be for a long time yet, but if a future relationship develops then I imagine it would be awfully uncomfortable for you and your new partner. Seriously my exWH actually expected me to live like a nun after our separation and D. He thought no one could ever replace him in my heart and home. Ofcourse they could!

Think about then prepare for an amicable re-location as soon as possible.

 

* I didn't touch much on DDs relationship with her father after separating. For 2 years after leaving we went to MC. 5 in fact! ExWH didn't like what ANY of them said. He never slept over or lived with me after we left. Suffice to say Police attended a huge road accident and exWH was charged with serious charges. The police told me to go home and look after my DD. Cut him loose. He'd had too many chances and I did. I had bought my first home by then and couldn't reconcile exWH living there anyway. He'd had free rent and worked far longer hours in the same time with no child care costs or concerns and had gotten into more debt. He was directed to pay $15 per month child support and didn't pay it. He was living in Govt housing with his parents.

I drove DD over 1 hour to see her father whenever he snapped his fingers. I did this for 5 years while he had no driver's license. When he got his license back he barely saw DD. She has an all but zero relationship with WF now but that's all on him. DD lives closer to him than us and we see them many times per week. I never obstructed only supported their relationship. Now it's virtually dead.

 

I truly do hope I'm not predicting what's going to happen with you guys. Apparently there are online courses or guidelines to help divorced parents co-parent well. Maybe some LS members can come on and help there?

 

See that's my wishful thinking. In his present state at least, I gather your exWH is not going to cooperate in the best interests of your daughter.

 

Many good thoughts and wishes

Lion Heart.