Cynical

[Dutchman1]

I'm starting to worry that perhaps one of the worst things about being in this A is that it has permanent altered my view of marriage and love. It's made me cynical. I assume that all MM are cheaters. That nothing is the way it appears.

 

I don't want to let xMM ruin love and marriage for me.

 

Anyone else in this struggle?

 

Hello grapesofwrath,

 

 

Must say I have never been in a trio relation, and not all MM are bad,

but the ones that cheat are people with defect boundaries and kills, they do not want to be honest, because I believe that if your M doesn't work and you want out, then first be out before finding a GF.

 

 

I hope your view is temporary altered.

When you do meet a single man, look in his eyes and see no secrets, someone who just wants you for himself, and for you to be his only, I believe that this will be a shock, but a good one.

No more secrets, no more stolen moments, this must feel so good.

 

 

You're doing great.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[jen1447]

Nope....more like , I knowingly got involved a with a lying venture capitalist and he turned out to be a lying venture capitalist and now I don't have faith in lying venture capitalists.

 

lol ....she's disillusioned with the concept of relationships, not her potential to have affairs with married men specifically. And she didn't get involved with the guy thinking he was rotten. Easy as it is to assume ppl in affairs should always know better, it's generally much more complicated than that.

[purplesorrow]

I'm sorry but I don't believe that someone who cheats in their marriage is happily married. I just believe that they have a twisted view of what "happily married" is.

 

If it fits their view of and how they define happiness then they are indeed happy. It just doesn't fit your view.

[gettingstronger]

BS in reconciliation here and I agree with you 100%! Betrayal in any form is a soul sucking experience. I cringed when my son recently got involved in his first serious relationship, just cringed! Ugh!

[Furious]

lol ....she's disillusioned with the concept of relationships, not her potential to have affairs with married men specifically. And she didn't get involved with the guy thinking he was rotten. Easy as it is to assume ppl in affairs should always know better, it's generally much more complicated than that.

 

It's not complicated when knowingly getting involved with someone who lies...and surprise....they are liars.

 

Throughout my life I've had married men interested in me, heard it all.

Nothing like offering to speak to their wife about how unhappy MM is and that shut it down quickly. Nothing complicated in that.

Edited September 18, 2015 by Furious

[Grapesofwrath]

did he ever give you any other reason for the affair except "i liked you"?

 

Not really, Mariah, no. Always the same answer. He used a lot of pretty words about being "hit by the thunderbolt" and "from the moment I met you, I was just drawn to you. That feeling has never gone away since the moment I laid eyes on you. I have not felt that in a very long time." He was always a consistent and ardent pursuer. He was reliable...never late. Never once cancelled plans.

 

Over the months, he started to make statements about "being in denial," and that when he was with me "he could be himself." He would allude to a lack of intimacy, though he never said they were sexless. So I thought maybe his marriage is okay, and he's gotten used to it, but it's really not that good. He never said that to me, though. That was just me reading between the lines. His words are always that he is satisfied, happy, and "there are no deficiencies."

[sandylee1]

I understand what you mean about being cynical, even though I've not been an OW..at least not knowingly. I find myself looking at couples and thinking...mmm he looks the type to have an A. You can do all the right things and it still happens.

 

How do you affair proof your marriage? It's so difficult to understand why, when everything is so good, one spouse decides to cheat. I never forget the BW who had sex with her H everyday single day for 12 years of marriage.....and he still cheated.

His reason? "I wanted to know if other women found me attractive"

Simply unbelievable...so on dday for the first time in their marriage he didn't have any sex.

 

It's not just men.....women cheating is just as rampant. They have the seemingly wonderful life, great husband and yet still...they stray. Such little regard for the family.

 

These forums and seeing the devastation of infidelity has led me to play an active role through volunteering with teenagers and engaged couples in church and my conduct discussions for 15 year olds and upwards in schools in my city. It's about healthy relationships and how to get out of unhealthy abusive/ones in a safe way.

 

Some of the children think it's no big deal to cheat and it's a bit of fun .....until I explain further and tell them what the consequences of infidelity are. The smile slowly disappears from the faces of the boys who make out they are so tough.

[Popsicle]

Grapes, my xMM never said anything good OR bad about his wife. He just never said anything at all about her (which was fine to me, even though deep down I was curious). The only one thing he ever said was that he needed a vacation away from them after JUST getting back from being away from them for a few months. That didn't make sense to me and I figured that he didn't really mean that and that he just said that because he was trying to come up with an excuse as to why he wanted to talk to me.

 

I think...

 

It still confuses me.

 

More on topic though, I don't feel that all married men cheat. Not sure why I don't feel that way, but I just don't. I don't even think most cheat.

Edited September 19, 2015 by Popsicle

[MissBee]

I'm starting to worry that perhaps one of the worst things about being in this A is that it has permanent altered my view of marriage and love. It's made me cynical. I assume that all MM are cheaters. That nothing is the way it appears.

 

I don't want to let xMM ruin love and marriage for me.

 

Anyone else in this struggle?

 

I made a thread some time ago about how I met a cheater and I think that made me cynical for a while. I think it's normal after a disappointing experience to feel like that, but then I also look at those who do seem to have good relationships and I know realistically that every man isn't out cheating on his wife.

 

But relationships are difficult and it seems all too easy for people to make bad choices, I've realized that. I realize a lot of people have issues that they don't even know they have or have no interest in working on and that emotional intelligence isn't even something they think about and many of us don't really know how to be in good relationships. I'm also coming from a background where on the surface my parents have been together for almost 30 years; yet, majority of it has involved cheating on my dad's part, so talk about reasons for cynicism when your primary examples of what marriage/love is, is like that! That has given me lots of hangups that I didn't realize until some years now and still consciously have to work on, including my involvement in an A myself and attracting emotionally unavailable men.

 

Anyway, even with all that, I'm still hopeful. I look at it this way: I've seen what betrayal can do to a family, not just the BS, but the kids too and how it might affect their own patterns in love and I've also experienced an A as the OW and all the problems that can entail. I feel like it's at least opened my eyes to being more aware of perhaps what to do and not to do in your relationship to avoid these things. I think I'm definitely more hyperconscious of it and it's something that would be important for me to address before I got married. It doesn't mean I cannot be blindsided, but I do think the innocent naivety of "we love each other, he'll never cheat" isn't there for me, so I at least approach it like "Okay, I know people cheat for lots of reasons, this is how I think about it, this is how it has affected me and this is how we should go about our relationship..." That might help a lot towards it not getting that far, as so much of cheating seems to be horrible boundaries and bad communication.

 

I refuse to let the cynicism take over my life though. We wake up everyday with no guarantee we'll leave our house and come back alive but we still get on with life and do it and hope for the best, so I think it's the same. I know it's possible, I'll try to be as open and aware as I can, but I see good examples around me and I just have to aspire to that and not allow the pool of cheaters that I've been around to be the measuring stick for everyone else.

Edited September 19, 2015 by MissBee

[Eagle's-bargain]

I don't want to let xMM ruin love and marriage for me.

 

Anyone else in this struggle?

 

Yes, but the only difference is that I participated in ruining it.

[Dutchman1]

I'm starting to worry that perhaps one of the worst things about being in this A is that it has permanent altered my view of marriage and love. It's made me cynical. I assume that all MM are cheaters. That nothing is the way it appears.

 

I don't want to let xMM ruin love and marriage for me.

 

Anyone else in this struggle?

 

Dear Grapesofwrath,

 

 

In my opinion all MM and MW who are having affairs have something missing at the time they are starting, yes starting to cheat, because I believe It's a choice.

At that moment people are selfish, lack empathy, have no dignity, no honor and no problem humiliating there spouse, family and themselves.

It has nothing to do with love.

The thought of a married mama, who takes her panties down for someone who is not her husband or gynecologist would make every sane man and woman just throw up, or not ??

 

 

There are lots of people here that confess they are having a affair and say they have no interest to leave the M. It's all for fun, sex and attention.

Those are psycho's.

 

 

Some are unhappy in their M, and make the choice to test the waters elsewhere. They are untrustworthy and honorless people.

 

 

The people who are genuine become unhappy, try to improve the situation.

When this does not work out, they divorce, morn their loss, and after they healed are open for someone more compatible.

 

 

Grapesofwrath,

 

 

You know that you did make the right choice.

No one is going to take advantage of your love anymore, you suffered and learned. Your heart is in the right place. Being cynical is a state of mind, like love, hate etc. It comes and goes and you can sometimes influence it if you want.

There is a world with good available people waiting for you.

And yes, all MM and MW who commit adultery are cheaters, you are spot on.

 

 

Look after nr 1.

[NewLeaf512]

Dear Grapesofwrath,

 

 

In my opinion all MM and MW who are having affairs have something missing at the time they are starting, yes starting to cheat, because I believe It's a choice.

At that moment people are selfish, lack empathy, have no dignity, no honor and no problem humiliating there spouse, family and themselves.

It has nothing to do with love.

The thought of a married mama, who takes her panties down for someone who is not her husband or gynecologist would make every sane man and woman just throw up, or not ??

 

 

There are lots of people here that confess they are having a affair and say they have no interest to leave the M. It's all for fun, sex and attention.

Those are psycho's.

 

 

Some are unhappy in their M, and make the choice to test the waters elsewhere. They are untrustworthy and honorless people.

 

 

The people who are genuine become unhappy, try to improve the situation.

When this does not work out, they divorce, morn their loss, and after they healed are open for someone more compatible.

 

 

Grapesofwrath,

 

 

You know that you did make the right choice.

No one is going to take advantage of your love anymore, you suffered and learned. Your heart is in the right place. Being cynical is a state of mind, like love, hate etc. It comes and goes and you can sometimes influence it if you want.

There is a world with good available people waiting for you.

And yes, all MM and MW who commit adultery are cheaters, you are spot on.

 

 

Look after nr 1.

 

 

this is true. we must all try to behave as honourable people whatever that means for us

[Poppy47]

I'm sorry but I don't believe that someone who cheats in their marriage is happily married. I just believe that they have a twisted view of what "happily married" is.

I think MM sometimes lie to themselves more than they lie to others.