Thinking about leaving after 15 years

[orpheusdescending]

I have been with the same woman for more than 15 years. Shortly before we got together, I was a 22-year-old in love for the first time in my life; that woman, who had been through several relationships herself, unsurprisingly rejected me, the man who had had none. I’d gone through an intensely Christian education and a repressed childhood environment that led me never to have anything to do with real-life women. They existed only in my fantasy life. In retrospect, I think I was just a good-looking and overly studious teenager who never had any interactions with women outside of my mom (I went to all-boys’ Catholic schools until I was 18).

 

A few months after I got rejected, I met the woman who would eventually become my wife. We dated and then lived together for several years, and finally married about 5 years into our relationship. She's the only girlfriend I've ever had, and my best friend. She's given everything up for me, including her career, to follow me. Now we're about 40, with no children, and our very small remaining family lives thousands of miles away. We discovered some time into our marriage that my wife cannot have children.

 

I would describe our long time together as a few years of excitement followed by a decade of mixed feelings. The usual stuff: dullness and happiness both. It felt at times like an ideal friendship with benefits -- I respected and cared for her more than anyone else in the world, and would never have wanted to hurt her. The two times I tried to break up with her (about 12 years ago and again 9 years ago), she threatened to kill herself, and the threat alone was enough to make me back down because I truly do care for her. Each of us ended up in therapy for different reasons (me for anxiety, she for self-hatred and self-harm) and somehow we pushed through, to our wedding and beyond.

 

I did not begin to be miserable until very recently. That's when I fell very hard for my co-worker, who feels so much more like the perfect partner than my wife does. Not only is she beyond merely "cute," as my wife is, but the attraction was overpowering and immediate -- the first time I saw her, I knew I was a goner. Obviously there is a lot more to her, too; her work inspires me and her background is much more similar to mine than to my wife’s. All of the feelings that I'd had as a 22-year-old came back. I guess somehow I'd set them aside all of these years in pursuit of my career. Aside from a few intense conversations (that went on for hours but still, I thought, not long enough), I don't have any evidence of how my co-worker, who is single, feels about me, but I just cannot stop thinking about her, night or day. I've tried to deal with it by running marathons, writing madly, throwing myself into work, but then she's always there. All of the symptoms of what I've discovered is called "limerence" are there when it comes to this person. I'm desperately in love.

 

I wasn't looking for this. Most of me hates being in love -- it's entirely involuntary and I resist the feelings. Over the years I've had several opportunities to cheat on my wife but always resisted. I guess I've always been very strange about women. There are so many women I would love to sleep with, or to have slept with, but I've never given in to temptation or felt more than a passing crush that rarely lasts for more than a month. This time it's different -- I don't so much want to cheat on my wife as to begin an entirely new life with a different woman. All of my fantasies of this other woman involves our having children together and living together in a way that stimulates each others' minds (and bodies). I know it’s an idealized portrait but I think that it is a starting point, a source of motivation, at least.

 

My wife noticed that I'd been acting miserable and I made the mistake of starting to tell her about my feelings about this other woman. Of course, she was terribly hurt and we had the most intense emotional experiences together since the beginning of our marriage. In some ways talking frankly about our marriage felt really really good -- a huge relief. My wife promised to change everything -- to do therapy (like I’ve been doing for years), to change careers, to go back to school, to think about adoption, to fulfill herself rather than to act like she doesn’t have any personal freedom. I then went to take care of my sick dad for a month. When I came back, it was as though nothing had happened between us. She just told me that she wants to do all of the things she mentioned but she’s putting all of this stuff off. She utterly hates the job she’s had for almost a decade but she doesn’t want to change careers even though her doctors have told her to. She doesn't want to talk about our marriage at all anymore, maybe because I promised to stop having those long conversations with the other woman.

 

I blame her for this but I think that the problem is with me rather than her. Yes, she does have some huge emotional problems, but this time it’s my feelings rather than hers that are the problem in our relationship, and I can’t deal with them like I used to do in the past, by reminding myself of everything we’ve built together and then feeling (as it now seems to me, though I may not have felt this consciously at the time) that I am settling for second best. I think I need to leave but every time I’ve talked about it, my wife starts making promises again. But, thankfully, she doesn’t threaten to hurt herself like she used to. Now I just keep daydreaming that I can start something with the other woman and make this the act that finally motivates me to end our marriage because I am too cowardly about it otherwise. But I don't think that my co-worker wants to be the other woman, so it's a bit of a catch-22. If I left, it would be the hardest thing I've ever done but maybe I could slowly start a new life. I would suffer financially but what’s the money good for if you’re miserable? I am still too terrified of hurting my wife even though I know she is a very different person than she was a decade ago, and just too much of a coward. Maybe it would be less hurtful to her in the long run if I did end it. I think we both deserve better. It is so hard to begin that new life and feel that all of this time has been wasted. But I feel like I need to seize the moment before it's too late.

 

On the other hand I wonder whether I am just being totally immature and going through a midlife crisis when I could devote my energy to saving our marriage.

[Marc878]

The grass looks greener on the other side until you get there.

 

Go to MC now. It's your chance to take command and help make that marriage what you both need.

 

Give it all you've got and if it doesn't work you can move on with no regrets.

 

Talk and communicate with your wife. Tell her how you feel and vice versa.

How would you like to find out she was ditching you for another man?

 

Good luck

Edited September 17, 2015 by Marc878

[Mr. Lucky]

All of the symptoms of what I've discovered is called "limerence" are there when it comes to this person. I'm desperately in love.

 

Ah, that new car smell in a relationship, nothing quite like it. I remember the first year of my relationship with my wife (we've been married 25+) like it was yesterday. Electric in every way.

 

But here's the thing - limerence is noted as "being limited ordinarily to a two-year span', studies indicate that limerence generally lasts between 18 months and three years".

 

So what then? A series of 24 month relationships with different women?

 

The truth is this - at some point every marriage loses steam, and the responsibility falls on the partners to provide forward momentum. In other words, you have to work at it. Were you to leave your wife for this fantasy partner, 2 years from now you'd be back to the same place.

 

You're on the brink of making a decision for all the wrong reasons. Time to stop and think things through...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

I believe your wife is an emotional manipulator and that she guilt-tripped you into staying by threatening suicide. Guilt-tripping causes resentment. She lied to you about changing and working on the marriage.

 

I would leave her. There's no telling what else she is manipulating you on that you don't even see. And yes, do it before dating anyone new.

 

BTW if she ever threatens suicide again call a mental health professional. Tell your wife this professional has the power to commit her against her will to a mental hospital if there is deemed suicidal intent.

 

Your wife needs to work on herself. For you I would get a book called "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith.

[healingsoul]

Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing so much so that I can get a full picture before responding. All relationships –especially marriages—because they are long-term and we make commitments to each other go through highs and lows. Every marriage couple has there struggles and I doubt many have not had to deal with feeling like you have fallen out of love or that you have feeling for another person. Do you think part of the attraction could also be in the fact that you don’t have children and you think there might be a chance to have a child with this other woman?

 

While you feel like you are desperately in love, you have allowed yourself to imagine what things could be like with another woman. This can build up a lot of emotional excitement even if you are not currently physically involved with her, acting on how you feel. Love in a relationship included loyalty and commitment, something you have invested in with your wife. I do think it is wise that you have promised to stop having long conversations with the other woman. We can emotionally get involved with another as much as we can physically get involved – both are very strong attachments.

 

As a married couple both my husband and I guard ourselves against having any one-on-one conversations that can grow emotionally with someone from the opposite sex, simply to safeguard our relationship. We have done this for all 30 years.

I can tell you from experience of being marriage 31 years that the sweetest times have come after we made it through all of the hard times together and now have found ourselves still committed to unconditionally loving each other. There is nothing like it in the world to know another person on earth knows everything about you, has been through so much with you but has stayed committed to you and still loves you. Truly the love goes to a deeper level.

 

I really do commend you for the therapy that you have sought and the support you have been for your wife. It is really hard to be there for someone who is going through emotional difficulties. You might want to look for couple counseling to work through this time in your marriage. I have always felt it has helped when my husband and I sought help.

 

I highly suggest you devote your energy to your wife and saving your marriage.

[Popsicle]

I think that aromantics or those who cope well with aromanticism can stay in dead marriages just fine. They even feel proud of it. But a romantic needs more intimacy and passion than that, and it makes them miserable to be in a relationship that is lacking that. It is a mismatch. For a romantic, it almost makes them feel happier to be alone than to be stuck with someone who is aromantic, which feels like a torturous prison. If you feel that you fit this, then you should leave. Life is too short to stay miserable for the rest of your life.