Upset about my wifes past

[jh21]

Married for 8 years. Together for 10. We had the talk about how many previous partners we both had prior. I'm no angel and neither is she but 10 years ago that never bothered me.

 

What bothers me is that I found a few journals of hers from years before we met. I knew I shouldn't have read them but I couldn't stop.

 

There wasn't too much detail but there was enough. Things like:

 

One night stand with a guy she went to school with: "We screwed in the backseat of his car and he came inside of me"

 

About one of her ex BF's- "We hooked up and screwed until 7 in the morning"

 

"We did it Sat night, Sun morning and Sun night"

 

"He drove me home and I was on my period but I paid him back...naughty girl"

 

"Couldn't wait to tear each others clothes off"

 

"Did it right in the hot tub"

 

"We didnt have sex but we did everything else"

 

And she pretty much cheated on all her BF's as well. Most of her encounters were drunken ones after the bar.

 

I just cant seem to get over these details. I knew about how many guys she was with.

....about 17 (same number as me) and we met when she was 29. Those numbers dont include all the guys she just fooled around with either.

 

But there was one part which really bothers me. It was from when she was 22 or so and about how she has been with 9 guys, 5 of which have been in the past 6 months and not alot of condoms were used. In fact she said she told her ex boyfriend to take them off which is something she never asked me to to. She goes on to say she was upset with herself and so on and then it goes on to say how she got genital warts and HPV from one of the hookups. I specifically asked her when we started dating if she ever had any STDs and she said no. I have no idea if I should even mention anything to her now about me knowing.

 

I wish I would never had read those journals and Im having a hard time getting the images out of my head. The STD thing and her cheating on all her BF's are bothering me. As well as details from about 6 years on with a guy. The guy who she had a fling with for a weekend when we were casually dating and it almost ruined us. Those details about her with him are not fun to read either.

 

I knew about how many partners she had but no details. We were pretty wild together when we first started so its not really a jealousy thing. Its messed up.

 

Im at a loss of what to do. I dont know how I can deal with this much detail.

Edited September 18, 2015 by jh21

[d0nnivain]

If you can't focus on the wife she IS rather than the immature teen-aged girl she used to be, you will doom your marriage.

 

Think about that.

 

If you have other reasons to distrust her now, that is a different story but you can't unring this bell. Try thinking of it as she had her wild times, got them out of her system & knew she was ready to settle down with me. Focus on the fact that you got the prize -- a lifetime together.

[jh21]

Oh and I did tell her that I read the journals and she was upset. Not really at me for reading them but because she said "now you think your wife is a slut". I lied and told her reading the journals didnt and wont change anything. I asked her to get rid of the journals and we burnt one but she kept one because there is stuff about her grandmother in there but she hasnt got rid of it yet.

 

Part of me thinks she doesnt want to get rid of the one because there is stuff if there about that guy who she had a fling with when we were casually dating which has always been a sore spot for me.

[d0nnivain]

Why'd you lie? that only made things worse.

 

It sounds to me like she knows she wasn't exactly pure as the driven snow back then & hates the fact that you see her differently know.

 

If you start talking to each other honestly your marriage should survive this but it will crumble if you continue to lie about the impact this has on you & you internally seethe resentment.

 

I bet she forgot about the journals. I bet she didn't keep them just about this guy that you are focused on. How can you ask her to give up memories about her grandmother? Would you be OK if she ripped about the pages about "him"? That seems like a more effective solution

[Mr. Lucky]

If you start talking to each other honestly your marriage should survive this but it will crumble if you continue to lie about the impact this has on you & you internally seethe resentment.

 

We all have some skeletons and youthful indiscretions in our closets - I know I do. jh21, don't you have some things in your past also ???

 

We are the sum of our experiences, sexually and otherwise. Compared to my straight-laced upbringing and single life, my wife was a little wild and adventuresome before she met me. I don't mind a bit since she's a little wild and adventuresome with me now ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

It's in the past and you should focus on the here and now. If I journaled all my liaisons, my H may think differently of me, but I was really just a girl looking for love. There's a lot of things I wouldn't do if I could go back in time, but I see no point in dwelling on the past and I put it down to experience. I work with teens and have relationship discussions and my past experience helps me.

 

We all mature with age. Unless she's given you any reason to think she's cheated..let it go. Oh and make it clear that cheating is a dealbreaker for you.....noting that she's cheated on all her BFs from her diary.

[warshaw]

The lies would bother me too.

 

Especially if she did things with other guys that she wouldn't do with me.

 

But what can you do? You going to divorce her over this?

 

I'd definitely talk to her about it. See if you can at least get her to come clean, find out why she kept the truth from you, why she makes you wear condoms, etc. Maybe she'll give you reasons you can live with.

 

If she continues to deny, well then things get dicey. Throw the journal in her face and tell her you don't think you can stay married to a liar.

 

Then see where she goes with it.

[jh21]

Well she did say that she would keep the pages of her grandma but that was 2 months ago.

 

I do think that she forgot about the journals and I found them when I was cleaning out old boxes. That doesnt change the fact that I read what I did.

 

And how am I supposed to say to my wife I know she got an STD and am upset you didnt tell me. Or that Im upset that she was "loose" back in the day because I was no angel myself. Or that if I would have read those journals when we first started dating there is no way I would have married her. Or how the details of her and the other guy from that weekend is killing me and opened up old wounds that I had buried deep long ago.

 

I have no idea what to even say to her but it has been eating at me for 4 months now.

[autumnnight]

You say it to her exactly like you said it to us.

 

Here's the deal: lying to her when it is eating at you is...LYING.

 

She's not stupid; she knows what you think of her. Get it all out on the table.

 

If you can talk honestly about it and come to an understanding, great.

 

Do you have kids?

[jh21]

The lies would bother me too.

 

Especially if she did things with other guys that she wouldn't do with me.

 

But what can you do? You going to divorce her over this?

 

I'd definitely talk to her about it. See if you can at least get her to come clean, find out why she kept the truth from you, why she makes you wear condoms, etc. Maybe she'll give you reasons you can live with.

 

If she continues to deny, well then things get dicey. Throw the journal in her face and tell her you don't think you can stay married to a liar.

 

Then see where she goes with it.

 

The only thing I didnt know about was the STD. I knew about her number of guys but not the details. I dont know if I should mention the STD thing.

 

She has done pretty much everything with me. We had a rough stretch but we are good now. Aside from all this stuff I am keeping inside.

 

As for the condoms....she says she doesnt want to get pregnant again (we have 2 kids) but she has an IUD. I know she just doesn't like the mess which kindof bothers me because what about the other guys?? Did she not mind it back then?

 

And the stuff about the "other guy" bugs me. Even though they had a major history together and she chose me after that weekend, well after I took her back actually, but the part where she says "she was on her period but she made up for it..naughty girl" bugs me too. I remember when we first started dating and were talking about experiences and she said she only did that once. And to find out it was with him burns.

 

I just know way too many details and its killing me. I cant stand the thought of her with these other guys even if it was 18 years ago.

[d0nnivain]

I have no idea what to even say to her but it has been eating at me for 4 months now.

 

4 months! You have been stewing about this for 4 months. Oh honey, we need to work on your communications skills.

 

Find a marriage counselor now. Make an appointment & just open up. Don't worry about how you say what you are feeling but let it out.

 

The reason I suggest MC is that based on the delay I don't have faith that you have the skill set to talk this through without assistance.

 

If you don't address this & soon it's going to fester more & ruin your marriage. the choice is yours.

[Mr. Lucky]

And the stuff about the "other guy" bugs me. Even though they had a major history together and she chose me after that weekend, well after I took her back actually, but the part where she says "she was on her period but she made up for it..naughty girl" bugs me too. I remember when we first started dating and were talking about experiences and she said she only did that once. And to find out it was with him burns.

 

I just know way too many details and its killing me. I cant stand the thought of her with these other guys even if it was 18 years ago.

 

You're torturing yourself because she gave some guy a BJ two decades ago?

 

My friend, see a counselor. Not only is this about you and you only but the real issue isn't her sexual history, it's something else. Be good to know what's really troubling you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[warshaw]

The only thing I didnt know about was the STD. I knew about her number of guys but not the details. I dont know if I should mention the STD thing.

 

Probably could let that one go, it's embarrassing, I get why she might not choose to share, that one can be written off as an understandable white lie.

 

As for the condoms....she says she doesnt want to get pregnant again (we have 2 kids) but she has an IUD.

 

Then it's got nothing to do with pregnancy, and she knows this. She's still lying to you and that's bad.

 

I know she just doesn't like the mess which kindof bothers me because what about the other guys?? Did she not mind it back then?

 

She doesn't like the semen, so you gotta wrap it up? Unfair. This isn't a matter of lying as much as.. sexual compromise. If she doesn't like it in her vj then maybe agree to shoot in her mouth or on her face or other parts of her body, that would work for me, your mileage may vary.

 

And the stuff about the "other guy" bugs me. Even though they had a major history together and she chose me after that weekend

 

What she did with him was ancient history, she chose you, find some way to get past it, this has nothing to do with her. She's a bit more tame now then she was in her wild years, not seeing an issue there.

 

I just know way too many details and its killing me. I cant stand the thought of her with these other guys even if it was 18 years ago.

 

Get help.

[Maharishi]

The lying about the STD thing is a real problem. Presumably you now have warts yourself. Have you seen any on your genital area yet?

[autumnnight]

The lying about the STD thing is a real problem. Presumably you now have warts yourself. Have you seen any on your genital area yet?

 

Are you aware of how long ago it was and how long they have been together? Did you read the entire thread?

 

OP, you didn't say if you had children. That will affect my thoughts.

[Maharishi]

Probably could let that one go, it's embarrassing, I get why she might not choose to share, that one can be written off as an understandable white lie.

 

 

 

Then it's got nothing to do with pregnancy, and she knows this. She's still lying to you and that's bad.

 

 

 

She doesn't like the semen, so you gotta wrap it up? Unfair. This isn't a matter of lying as much as.. sexual compromise. If she doesn't like it in her vj then maybe agree to shoot in her mouth or on her face or other parts of her body, that would work for me, your mileage may vary.

 

 

What she did with him was ancient history, she chose you, find some way to get past it, this has nothing to do with her. She's a bit more tame now then she was in her wild years, not seeing an issue there.

 

 

 

Get help.

 

It's her body. A woman has every right not to want semen inside her let alone in her face. WTF?!

[Maharishi]

Are you aware of how long ago it was and how long they have been together? Did you read the entire thread?

OP, you didn't say if you had children. That will affect my thoughts.

 

Yes, which means the OP presumably has had genital warts for some time now.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, which means the OP presumably has had genital warts for some time now.

 

I suspect he would have noticed them over the course of the last 8 years.

[warshaw]

It's her body. A woman has every right not to want semen inside her let alone in her face. WTF?!

 

I said maybe could agree not that he should force it on her.

[qubist]

I said maybe could agree not that he should force it on her.

just wondering, did she write anything about you in those pages?

[jh21]

just wondering, did she write anything about you in those pages?

 

No. She stopped journaling just a few months before we met

[warshaw]

just wondering, did she write anything about you in those pages?

 

I never met the woman. At least, I don't think I did.

[S2B]

It looks like you are hyper focusing on the past actions of your wife.

 

 

This is causing you to feel resentful. Resentment can kill love.

 

And you haven't been honest with your wife about how much this hurts you.

 

 

Be honest. Tell her how you feel about ALL of it. Throw everything out onto the table and calmly discuss how this makes you feel.

 

Wait for her to respond. Allow her room to express how she feels about it ALL.

 

And talk through all the lies and crap until you're both satisfied and feel that you have a new agreement with each other about all the history that's out on the table.

 

Resolve the issues. Work to the OTHER side of this.

 

 

Then let it go if you can.

 

 

 

It's almost like you want to be focused on it all so that you can hold this power over her head. That is not useful in a healthy marriage.

 

Find a way to discuss it so you let it go.

[Dutchman1]

Hey jh21,

 

 

Her past is hers, yours is yours.

 

 

Just love the goddamn woman as much as she loves you.

 

 

read d0nnivain. !!!!

 

 

She said:::If you don't address this & soon it's going to fester more & ruin your marriage. the choice is yours.

 

 

Wake uppppppp.

 

 

Have faith in the people who have faith in you.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[sandylee1]

The only thing I didnt know about was the STD. I knew about her number of guys but not the details. I dont know if I should mention the STD thing.

 

She has done pretty much everything with me. We had a rough stretch but we are good now. Aside from all this stuff I am keeping inside.

 

As for the condoms....she says she doesnt want to get pregnant again (we have 2 kids) but she has an IUD. I know she just doesn't like the mess which kindof bothers me because what about the other guys?? Did she not mind it back then?

 

.

 

A few of the things you've mentioned about your wife have happened in my past.......but it was over 23 years ago. It's done and gone.

 

I wasn't as wise then as I am now. But like your wife I'm married, 3 kids and have not cheated on my H. I wouldn't do the same things now even if I wasn't married.

 

Why mention the STD....it's history. I presume whatever it is has been treated and she's clean. There's a lot more education about Std's now as well.

 

It's unfair to hold this against her. I know she doesn't know how you feel, but I'd be pretty upset if my H felt I should explain my sexual past, after full fidelity and our life and kids...like that means nothing.