Upset about my wifes past

[Got it]

This is exactly right. I knew about her past and she knew about mine. Both of our pasts are near identical. How could I judge her now on her past because I knew about it then and made the decision to marry her.

 

It didn't bother me as much when we were dating but it has started to bother me more lately since we had kids and our sex life dramatically decreased. But, we both have worked hard to get the spark back and it has worked. We gave up on our marriage because it died for a while there (little kids are tough on a marriage!!) which is when all these jealous thoughts crept in.

 

For me at this point, it wouldn't have mattered if she had 1 or 20 sex partners. If I wasn't getting any I would be jealous that her past boyfriends did.

 

So in case there is any confusion by other posters there is the crux of the issue. Nothing to do with lying, hiding, even the numbers, it is about a lack of happiness with today's sex life.

[SSJROMANCE]

Men of character who feel this way about their wives divorce or learn to love her again.

 

Feel what way?

[SSJROMANCE]

This is exactly right. I knew about her past and she knew about mine. Both of our pasts are near identical. How could I judge her now on her past because I knew about it then and made the decision to marry her.

 

It didn't bother me as much when we were dating but it has started to bother me more lately since we had kids and our sex life dramatically decreased. But, we both have worked hard to get the spark back and it has worked. We gave up on our marriage because it died for a while there (little kids are tough on a marriage!!) which is when all these jealous thoughts crept in.

 

For me at this point, it wouldn't have mattered if she had 1 or 20 sex partners. If I wasn't getting any I would be jealous that her past boyfriends did.

 

I think it would have mattered. If she had one sex partner and she had sex once and since you have been married you have had sex about how many times - 1000? Why would that one time she had sex with someone else matter? On the other hand if she had 20 partners and had sex a total of 200 times (that's pushing it) and you still have had sex 1000 times with her and recently it's diminished why are you jealous? You also have to consider who she was back then and who she is now with kids and being married. Did you ever think that at times she didn't give it to her other boyfriends too? What about you and your past sex life? Did your previous girlfriends withhold sex from you? So lots to think about and I think once you put it all in perspective you may feel better about everything. All I would encourage is that you be honest about the situation.

[autumnnight]

Feel what way?

 

Disdain, disgust, distrust, seeing beer as tainted, no lover or respect, self--righteous

[jh21]

So in case there is any confusion by other posters there is the crux of the issue. Nothing to do with lying, hiding, even the numbers, it is about a lack of happiness with today's sex life.

 

For me you are 100% right. When we were dating it was all about us. I didn't give a second thought to anything in the past. Then we had kids and for a while it all went downhill. I was miserable and that's when all the jealous thought's crept in about her past. In my head I was thinking that it wasn't fair that her ex's got it and I didn't.

 

Don't get me wrong, I would have been upset if she lied about the number of her partners but for me, I went crazy when I wasn't getting any sex from my wife or when she lost interest in it. We have worked hard at getting it back and it's a world of difference. Although it will never be the same as it was when we were dating we probably would be divorced now if we didn't communicate this major issue.

 

We were that typical married couple and I hated the fact it was happening to me. So I decided to change it.

[Got it]

I think it would have mattered. If she had one sex partner and she had sex once and since you have been married you have had sex about how many times - 1000? Why would that one time she had sex with someone else matter? On the other hand if she had 20 partners and had sex a total of 200 times (that's pushing it) and you still have had sex 1000 times with her and recently it's diminished why are you jealous? You also have to consider who she was back then and who she is now with kids and being married. Did you ever think that at times she didn't give it to her other boyfriends too? What about you and your past sex life? Did your previous girlfriends withhold sex from you? So lots to think about and I think once you put it all in perspective you may feel better about everything. All I would encourage is that you be honest about the situation.

 

Stop trying to make someone agree with what you are projecting. Your issues with your wife are your issues. The OP has clearly stated his concerns in his situation and they are not the same as yours. You are pushing your agenda so hard you are ignoring everything the OP is saying. That is not fair to the OP and his concerns.

[Got it]

For me you are 100% right. When we were dating it was all about us. I didn't give a second thought to anything in the past. Then we had kids and for a while it all went downhill. I was miserable and that's when all the jealous thought's crept in about her past. In my head I was thinking that it wasn't fair that her ex's got it and I didn't.

 

Don't get me wrong, I would have been upset if she lied about the number of her partners but for me, I went crazy when I wasn't getting any sex from my wife or when she lost interest in it. We have worked hard at getting it back and it's a world of difference. Although it will never be the same as it was when we were dating we probably would be divorced now if we didn't communicate this major issue.

 

We were that typical married couple and I hated the fact it was happening to me. So I decided to change it.

 

I think that is pretty common. I was very unhappy with my ex husband on why he wasn't trying harder in the bedroom, why he didn't want more sex, why my needs weren't important. I am still scratching my head at you looking towards past relationships and drawing a correlation between then and now but I think you have definite rights to want your sex lives addressed.

 

I am glad you guys have improved things. How are things now emotionally? Are you happier? Are the past relationships an issue? If so why?

[road]

Then you know what? Divorce

 

 

No what I think is if there was no lies in the beginning then no marriage, no 20 years lost, no divorce.

 

 

Better to restart your life over at 30 then 50.

[road]

Again....READ

 

She was NOT unfaithful while they were dating EACH OTHER.

 

She never cheated ON HIM

 

Though she lied about the STD.

[autumnnight]

No what I think is if there was no lies in the beginning then no marriage, no 20 years lost, no divorce.

 

 

Better to restart your life over at 30 then 50.

 

Do you have a time machine???????????

[road]

OP, I do not understand your problem. Is it that you never got the wild side from your wife in the bedroom?

 

 

Or did you?

[SSJROMANCE]

Stop trying to make someone agree with what you are projecting. Your issues with your wife are your issues. The OP has clearly stated his concerns in his situation and they are not the same as yours. You are pushing your agenda so hard you are ignoring everything the OP is saying. That is not fair to the OP and his concerns.

 

WOW. You are obviously hung up on me and my previous posts. That is your problem I might add and not related to the OP posts. I said NOTHING to relate my past issues's with his. My post is for HIM to comment on which was directed to HIM not to you or your fixation on my past issue's (but I'm glad I have fans). I happen to disagree with him and I explained why. This is a forum to discuss his issue's and your attack on me was unwarranted. I would rather you say NOTHING to me then to spew your anger that has been caused by YOUR past problems.

 

Thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

So no she didn't need all those douchebags in her life and in general I think that is most definitely the case for many women. What they bring to the table later are STD's more than some crazed sexual tyrannosaur. And in the case with your wife I'm glad you are thrilled. I'd rather have teached my wife to be a sexual tyrannosaur than to have others teach my wife to be a sexual tyrannosaur for me. But I guess everyone is different...

 

You're making a lot of assumptions. What I said is I have no more interest in knowing - or guessing - my wife's number of previous partners than I do in projecting your wife's number.

 

All I ask is that her number since the day she committed to me remains at one. That's the important statistic to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SSJROMANCE]

You're making a lot of assumptions. What I said is I have no more interest in knowing - or guessing - my wife's number of previous partners than I do in projecting your wife's number.

 

All I ask is that her number since the day she committed to me remains at one. That's the important statistic to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Just referring to your "Funny how guys want their women to be good in bed but bring no baggage or history to the table". I could care less about her "experience" - only her devotion. I'm not sure how many guys you have had conversations about this that you can make a comment like that. Are YOU making at lot of assumptions?

[Got it]

WOW. You are obviously hung up on me and my previous posts. That is your problem I might add and not related to the OP posts. I said NOTHING to relate my past issues's with his. My post is for HIM to comment on which was directed to HIM not to you or your fixation on my past issue's (but I'm glad I have fans). I happen to disagree with him and I explained why. This is a forum to discuss his issue's and your attack on me was unwarranted. I would rather you say NOTHING to me then to spew your anger that has been caused by YOUR past problems.

 

Thank you.

 

SSJ - you are projecting. Please reread what you write then. It comes across very different then you try and defend. You are also very combative with a number of other posters, many who keep telling you that you are making assumptions. You may want to look at the common denominator.

 

If you don't want me to respond to your posts you are welcome to block me and then you won't see them. A mod can walk you through the process.

[jh21]

I think that is pretty common. I was very unhappy with my ex husband on why he wasn't trying harder in the bedroom, why he didn't want more sex, why my needs weren't important. I am still scratching my head at you looking towards past relationships and drawing a correlation between then and now but I think you have definite rights to want your sex lives addressed.

 

I am glad you guys have improved things. How are things now emotionally? Are you happier? Are the past relationships an issue? If so why?

 

All this happened 4 months ago. I was talking with a guy at work and how he was miserable because his wife left him. My wife and I were not in a good spot. It was then I decided we needed to make a change. But at the same time I found those journals and the details of her past bothered me. There was stuff in there about the guy she had a weekend fling with when we were just casually dating 10 years ago. It triggered that memory as well as her searching for him on facebook in 2013. We got counselling because I almost left but it wasn't really dealt with. So along with all that the stuff that bothered me was that she gave it up to her other boyfriends (understandably so) but wouldn't even touch me.

 

I get that kids change things and life gets in the way but I truly think she went from a vixen (with me too at the start) to being complety happy with not having sex at all.

 

But as I said, as soon as I started talking about some of these issues it all became better.

 

In the last little while I have been going back and forth because we went from awesome sex when we were dating and early on in our marriage to nothing to now back to decent. I guess I just havent accepted the fact that my life has changed so much. And I want her to be as sexual as she was in the past but even she admits that will never happen. It saddens me a bit I guess to know she will never be as horny as she was.

Edited September 24, 2015 by jh21

[Got it]

All this happened 4 months ago. I was talking with a guy at work and how he was miserable because his wife left him. My wife and I were not in a good spot. It was then I decided we needed to make a change. But at the same time I found those journals and the details of her past bothered me. There was stuff in there about the guy she had a weekend fling with when we were just casually dating 10 years ago. It triggered that memory as well as her searching for him on facebook in 2013. We got counselling because I almost left but it wasn't really dealt with. So along with all that the stuff that bothered me was that she gave it up to her other boyfriends (understandably so) but wouldn't even touch me.

 

I get that kids change things and life gets in the way but I truly think she went from a vixen (with me too at the start) to being complety happy with not having sex at all.

 

But as I said, as soon as I started talking about some of these issues it all became better.

 

In the last little while I have been going back and forth because we went from awesome sex when we were dating and early on in our marriage to nothing to now back to decent. I guess I just havent accepted the fact that my life has changed so much. And I want her to be as sexual as she was in the past but even she admits that will never happen. It saddens me a bit I guess to know she will never be as horny as she was.

 

Okay, I understand that, but are you the same person in all areas you were then? We all change over time and mellowing is a major component. I am not saying you can't improve your sex life but take it from a team/partnership angle than a "below the bar and getting it back up". How does your wife feel about it?

 

Sex is great. But it is hard to fit in the same amount of time when you have kids, home, jobs, etc. like you once did in the beginning. I know when my husband and I first started we spent HOURS in bed almost every day after work. Sex was our only past time, lol. That just isn't sustainable and we try and manage a happy medium. We also take trips of just us to have some reconnecting time.

 

I am glad you guys are in a better spot. Take the "we" approach and look at tackling this together. And maybe start role playing as well, initiating it maybe? There are books and resources out there to just have fun at it.

[SummerDreams]

In the last little while I have been going back and forth because we went from awesome sex when we were dating and early on in our marriage to nothing to now back to decent. I guess I just havent accepted the fact that my life has changed so much. And I want her to be as sexual as she was in the past but even she admits that will never happen. It saddens me a bit I guess to know she will never be as horny as she was.

 

If only we humans could keep on only the good things in our lives and trash the bad... Everyone wants some things from early dating to remain the same; the romance, the anticipation to see each other, the dates, the butterflies in the stomache, the great and non stop sex, the dircovery of new things about the other person every single day and so on. But this can't happen. Life moves on, situations change, people and people's needs change, priorities change, the mood changes, the free time decreases, the carefree times become less and less, especially with kids. It was a good thing you discussed about the lack of sex and worked on it and made the circumstances better, but you have to realize your wife will never be the same as she was when you were just dating and you won't be the same as you were back then as well. If you think that you enjoyed single life with dating more than married with kids life, then this is something you need to consider in the future. Not everyone is made for family and responsibilities. You may be happier getting a divorce and going back to the dating world. Think about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I want her to be as sexual as she was in the past but even she admits that will never happen. It saddens me a bit I guess to know she will never be as horny as she was.

 

Being "sexual" and feeling "horny" often aren't the same thing. I'm in my 60's, the old "morning wood/feeling horny" just don't happen as often as they used to .

 

Sex has become more an expression of emotional connection than physical need. Even more satisfying in its own way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Nikki Sahagin]

Married for 8 years. Together for 10. We had the talk about how many previous partners we both had prior. I'm no angel and neither is she but 10 years ago that never bothered me.

 

What bothers me is that I found a few journals of hers from years before we met. I knew I shouldn't have read them but I couldn't stop.

 

There wasn't too much detail but there was enough. Things like:

 

One night stand with a guy she went to school with: "We screwed in the backseat of his car and he came inside of me"

 

About one of her ex BF's- "We hooked up and screwed until 7 in the morning"

 

"We did it Sat night, Sun morning and Sun night"

 

"He drove me home and I was on my period but I paid him back...naughty girl"

 

"Couldn't wait to tear each others clothes off"

 

"Did it right in the hot tub"

 

"We didnt have sex but we did everything else"

 

And she pretty much cheated on all her BF's as well. Most of her encounters were drunken ones after the bar.

 

I just cant seem to get over these details. I knew about how many guys she was with.

....about 17 (same number as me) and we met when she was 29. Those numbers dont include all the guys she just fooled around with either.

 

But there was one part which really bothers me. It was from when she was 22 or so and about how she has been with 9 guys, 5 of which have been in the past 6 months and not alot of condoms were used. In fact she said she told her ex boyfriend to take them off which is something she never asked me to to. She goes on to say she was upset with herself and so on and then it goes on to say how she got genital warts and HPV from one of the hookups. I specifically asked her when we started dating if she ever had any STDs and she said no. I have no idea if I should even mention anything to her now about me knowing.

 

I wish I would never had read those journals and Im having a hard time getting the images out of my head. The STD thing and her cheating on all her BF's are bothering me. As well as details from about 6 years on with a guy. The guy who she had a fling with for a weekend when we were casually dating and it almost ruined us. Those details about her with him are not fun to read either.

 

I knew about how many partners she had but no details. We were pretty wild together when we first started so its not really a jealousy thing. Its messed up.

 

Im at a loss of what to do. I dont know how I can deal with this much detail.

 

 

 

Well imagine if she read your journal, it would probably have been just as bad, if not worse.

 

 

This is a good reason NOT to read your partners journal.

 

 

We all have a past. Leave it there

[jh21]

Well imagine if she read your journal, it would probably have been just as bad, if not worse.

 

 

This is a good reason NOT to read your partners journal.

 

 

We all have a past. Leave it there

 

Well it's a little late for that now isn't it??

[Got it]

Well it's a little late for that now isn't it??

 

Well you should have checked in with LS before you did it, duh! Every move should be run through the peanut gallery prior to doing. :laugh:

[happyman64]

Well it's a little late for that now isn't it??

 

IMHO JH21 it was a little late when she had her weekend fling and you decided to stay together.

 

 

She chose you and you chose her.

 

 

The rest is just water under the bridge.

 

 

Judge her for who she has been for the last 10 years with you.

 

 

HM

[jh21]

IMHO JH21 it was a little late when she had her weekend fling and you decided to stay together.

 

 

She chose you and you chose her.

 

 

The rest is just water under the bridge.

 

 

Judge her for who she has been for the last 10 years with you.

 

 

HM

 

Yes. I know I need to be doing that and I try but part of me second guesses whether I should have got back with her after that weekend fling happened. Most of my issues are revolved around that.

[autumnnight]

Yes. I know I need to be doing that and I try but part of me second guesses whether I should have got back with her after that weekend fling happened. Most of my issues are revolved around that.

 

This drama is a choice. You do not have a time machine. You can be a husband, or you can obsess about something unchangeable.

 

You are choosing to keep this alive, and, sadly, getting some encouragement. Listen to the men here who actually have healthy relationships. What are THEY telling you?

 

Let. It. Go.

 

Period