Upset about my wifes past

[SummerDreams]

In the last little while I have been going back and forth because we went from awesome sex when we were dating and early on in our marriage to nothing to now back to decent. I guess I just havent accepted the fact that my life has changed so much. And I want her to be as sexual as she was in the past but even she admits that will never happen. It saddens me a bit I guess to know she will never be as horny as she was.

 

If only we humans could keep on only the good things in our lives and trash the bad... Everyone wants some things from early dating to remain the same; the romance, the anticipation to see each other, the dates, the butterflies in the stomache, the great and non stop sex, the dircovery of new things about the other person every single day and so on. But this can't happen. Life moves on, situations change, people and people's needs change, priorities change, the mood changes, the free time decreases, the carefree times become less and less, especially with kids. It was a good thing you discussed about the lack of sex and worked on it and made the circumstances better, but you have to realize your wife will never be the same as she was when you were just dating and you won't be the same as you were back then as well. If you think that you enjoyed single life with dating more than married with kids life, then this is something you need to consider in the future. Not everyone is made for family and responsibilities. You may be happier getting a divorce and going back to the dating world. Think about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

And I want her to be as sexual as she was in the past but even she admits that will never happen. It saddens me a bit I guess to know she will never be as horny as she was.

 

Being "sexual" and feeling "horny" often aren't the same thing. I'm in my 60's, the old "morning wood/feeling horny" just don't happen as often as they used to .

 

Sex has become more an expression of emotional connection than physical need. Even more satisfying in its own way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Nikki Sahagin]

Married for 8 years. Together for 10. We had the talk about how many previous partners we both had prior. I'm no angel and neither is she but 10 years ago that never bothered me.

 

What bothers me is that I found a few journals of hers from years before we met. I knew I shouldn't have read them but I couldn't stop.

 

There wasn't too much detail but there was enough. Things like:

 

One night stand with a guy she went to school with: "We screwed in the backseat of his car and he came inside of me"

 

About one of her ex BF's- "We hooked up and screwed until 7 in the morning"

 

"We did it Sat night, Sun morning and Sun night"

 

"He drove me home and I was on my period but I paid him back...naughty girl"

 

"Couldn't wait to tear each others clothes off"

 

"Did it right in the hot tub"

 

"We didnt have sex but we did everything else"

 

And she pretty much cheated on all her BF's as well. Most of her encounters were drunken ones after the bar.

 

I just cant seem to get over these details. I knew about how many guys she was with.

....about 17 (same number as me) and we met when she was 29. Those numbers dont include all the guys she just fooled around with either.

 

But there was one part which really bothers me. It was from when she was 22 or so and about how she has been with 9 guys, 5 of which have been in the past 6 months and not alot of condoms were used. In fact she said she told her ex boyfriend to take them off which is something she never asked me to to. She goes on to say she was upset with herself and so on and then it goes on to say how she got genital warts and HPV from one of the hookups. I specifically asked her when we started dating if she ever had any STDs and she said no. I have no idea if I should even mention anything to her now about me knowing.

 

I wish I would never had read those journals and Im having a hard time getting the images out of my head. The STD thing and her cheating on all her BF's are bothering me. As well as details from about 6 years on with a guy. The guy who she had a fling with for a weekend when we were casually dating and it almost ruined us. Those details about her with him are not fun to read either.

 

I knew about how many partners she had but no details. We were pretty wild together when we first started so its not really a jealousy thing. Its messed up.

 

Im at a loss of what to do. I dont know how I can deal with this much detail.

 

 

 

Well imagine if she read your journal, it would probably have been just as bad, if not worse.

 

 

This is a good reason NOT to read your partners journal.

 

 

We all have a past. Leave it there

[jh21]

Well imagine if she read your journal, it would probably have been just as bad, if not worse.

 

 

This is a good reason NOT to read your partners journal.

 

 

We all have a past. Leave it there

 

Well it's a little late for that now isn't it??

[Got it]

Well it's a little late for that now isn't it??

 

Well you should have checked in with LS before you did it, duh! Every move should be run through the peanut gallery prior to doing. :laugh:

[S2B]

So now you're holding this over her head like she is a hostage.

 

Again, why do you want to be angry with her? You're looking for things to hang on to that she can't change.

 

If it's you're intention to make this a marriage of resentments you may as well tell her now so she can get out - and away from you purposely ruining your marriage.

[happyman64]

Well it's a little late for that now isn't it??

 

IMHO JH21 it was a little late when she had her weekend fling and you decided to stay together.

 

 

She chose you and you chose her.

 

 

The rest is just water under the bridge.

 

 

Judge her for who she has been for the last 10 years with you.

 

 

HM

[jh21]

IMHO JH21 it was a little late when she had her weekend fling and you decided to stay together.

 

 

She chose you and you chose her.

 

 

The rest is just water under the bridge.

 

 

Judge her for who she has been for the last 10 years with you.

 

 

HM

 

Yes. I know I need to be doing that and I try but part of me second guesses whether I should have got back with her after that weekend fling happened. Most of my issues are revolved around that.

[autumnnight]

Yes. I know I need to be doing that and I try but part of me second guesses whether I should have got back with her after that weekend fling happened. Most of my issues are revolved around that.

 

This drama is a choice. You do not have a time machine. You can be a husband, or you can obsess about something unchangeable.

 

You are choosing to keep this alive, and, sadly, getting some encouragement. Listen to the men here who actually have healthy relationships. What are THEY telling you?

 

Let. It. Go.

 

Period

[MrBojangles]

This drama is a choice. You do not have a time machine. You can be a husband, or you can obsess about something unchangeable.

 

You are choosing to keep this alive, and, sadly, getting some encouragement. Listen to the men here who actually have healthy relationships. What are THEY telling you?

 

Let. It. Go.

 

Period

 

 

 

 

This^^^^ X100

 

 

Are women tainted for life just because they've enjoyed sex with multiple partners in the past? The fact is that this woman has chosen to settle with you! Unless she's out running around on you sleeping with other men currently, just get over her past!

 

 

Unless she passed herself off as a virgin when you met, let this go, or let her go if you can't deal with it.

[Got it]

Yes. I know I need to be doing that and I try but part of me second guesses whether I should have got back with her after that weekend fling happened. Most of my issues are revolved around that.

 

But why? Why now? Would you want to be condemned for something that was in your past that you thought you guys had moved passed? That isn't fair. You aren't being fair.

[jh21]

But why? Why now? Would you want to be condemned for something that was in your past that you thought you guys had moved passed? That isn't fair. You aren't being fair.

 

Well I know. I honestly don't think I ever got over it but it was Ok until I found that she searched for him 2 years ago on facebook when we weren't doing so well in our marriage. I snapped. I almost left. I think it was 10 years of an issue that I buried coming exploding out. I never felt so betrayed and even though she said she had no intentions of contacting him she should have never been thinking about him. I am having an extremely hard time letting that go and my trust for her has gone out the window. Maybe thats why all this other stuff is bothering me now. Am I looking for a way out? All of a sudden I sometimes wish I could go back in time to change my decision to become exclusive with her and maybe should have just walked away.

 

All this stuff I am thinking about: the journals and the details in them, the number of her past 'conquests' and the weekend fling never bothered me until now. Im 36 and I think part of it is if I do want to start over because I felt betrayed by her searching for him then now is the time to do it. But that said, I don't want to be single or start over and leave my wife and kids for this early mid-life crisis.

 

That said, I have never tried this hard to change things and the way I was to become happier and have a better marriage. But for some reason I go back and forth because I cannot forgive her or stop thinking if she will contact him or search him out in the future because part of me thinks she still thinks about him or isn't over him. Mainly for the fact that there are still pictures of him and her together from that wedding weekend fling and from before I was around. It's F'ed up.

Edited September 25, 2015 by jh21

[Got it]

Well I know. I honestly don't think I ever got over it but it was Ok until I found that she searched for him 2 years ago on facebook when we weren't doing so well in our marriage. I snapped. I almost left. I think it was 10 years of an issue that I buried coming exploding out. I never felt so betrayed and even though she said she had no intentions of contacting him she should have never been thinking about him. I am having an extremely hard time letting that go and my trust for her has gone out the window. Maybe thats why all this other stuff is bothering me now. Am I looking for a way out? All of a sudden I sometimes wish I could go back in time to change my decision to become exclusive with her and maybe should have just walked away.

 

All this stuff I am thinking about: the journals and the details in them, the number of her past 'conquests' and the weekend fling never bothered me until now. Im 36 and I think part of it is if I do want to start over because I felt betrayed by her searching for him then now is the time to do it. But that said, I don't want to be single or start over and leave my wife and kids for this early mid-life crisis.

 

That said, I have never tried this hard to change things and the way I was to become happier and have a better marriage. But for some reason I go back and forth because I cannot forgive her or stop thinking if she will contact him or search him out in the future because part of me thinks she still thinks about him or isn't over him. Mainly for the fact that there are still pictures of him and her together from that wedding weekend fling and from before I was around. It's F'ed up.

 

I think you are afraid of letting it go. I think you keep picking at the scab so you can stay stuck there because if you let it go and you get hurt again you are afraid it will hurt worse. So you can't move things forward no matter how good it is. The good is actually scaring you.

 

Fear is what is keeping you stuck.

[jh21]

I think you are afraid of letting it go. I think you keep picking at the scab so you can stay stuck there because if you let it go and you get hurt again you are afraid it will hurt worse. So you can't move things forward no matter how good it is. The good is actually scaring you.

 

Fear is what is keeping you stuck.

 

You nailed it. We have been to counselling a few times and that is exactly what she said.

 

And I am having the hardest time letting my guard down because I think I did a bit and then in 2013 I was burnt by her searching him on facebook and now the journals I read have made things even worse.

 

Im having a hard time trusting her. I always have for that matter actually. So I just pretend that everything is all good but in reality Im a mess inside. Then something triggers me (lile reading those journals) to do a 180 and say stuff that I probably shouldn't say. It's not good.

Edited September 25, 2015 by jh21

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes. I know I need to be doing that and I try but part of me second guesses whether I should have got back with her after that weekend fling happened. Most of my issues are revolved around that.

 

Here's how you described that weekend (WHICH WAS EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO!!!) in your other thread:

 

She goes to a wedding for a weekend. I drop her off at the airport and pick her up. Nothing happened with us that night which I thought was weird. She comes over the next day and said she slept with an ex of her's twice over that weekend. He wasnt really an ex but a guy that was always around for 5 years or so. She actually told me that before I came around she was going to move to his city to be with him. She had a long history with him and a short one with me.

 

No exclusive relationship with you. Long history with him. She thought she was going to move to his city to be with him. If there was a fling - it was with you.

 

Not sure why you're so interested in vilifying her and describing her actions and demeanor in such negative terms. I will tell you one thing - this isn't about a long-age weekend.

 

Why not address whatever issues exist in your marriage head on? Rather than a victim, be a husband. Your marriage will be better for it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Can YOU let this go?

 

 

If not = divorce her!

 

 

 

That way she's not married to someone looking for things to hold against her.

[jh21]

Here's how you described that weekend (WHICH WAS EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO!!!) in your other thread:

 

 

 

No exclusive relationship with you. Long history with him. She thought she was going to move to his city to be with him. If there was a fling - it was with you.

 

Not sure why you're so interested in vilifying her and describing her actions and demeanor in such negative terms. I will tell you one thing - this isn't about a long-age weekend.

 

Why not address whatever issues exist in your marriage head on? Rather than a victim, be a husband. Your marriage will be better for it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It was 10 years ago. Not 18

[Mr. Lucky]

It was 10 years ago. Not 18

 

That the difference is important to you just proves my point. But just for you:

 

WHICH WAS TEN YEARS AGO!!!

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

It was 10 years ago. Not 18

 

You are single handedly ruining your M.

 

Dude... Since YOU can't get over it - stop staying and torturing her.

[jh21]

You are single handedly ruining your M.

 

Dude... Since YOU can't get over it - stop staying and torturing her.

 

I wasn't the one that kept her journals around about all her past conquests. Im not the one who still has photo albums around about them all. I have asked her to get rid of the journals and she burnt one but not the other and she has said she will get rid of some of the photos but that was months ago.

 

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

[S2B]

I wasn't the one that kept her journals around about all her past conquests. Im not the one who still has photo albums around about them all. I have asked her to get rid of the journals and she burnt one but not the other and she has said she will get rid of some of the photos but that was months ago.

 

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

 

But it is you who can not accept it.

 

You hang on to the anger like its a power play that you're happy to use against her.

 

 

Love does not look like that. The M is doomed because you won't let it go.

[autumnnight]

I wasn't the one that kept her journals around about all her past conquests. Im not the one who still has photo albums around about them all. I have asked her to get rid of the journals and she burnt one but not the other and she has said she will get rid of some of the photos but that was months ago.

 

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

 

I seriously doubt you will feel any better. Your posts have moved from wanting to get past it to defending your insistence on holding onto it. BUT...just take the journal and burn it yourself.

Edited September 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[digdoug]

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

 

look you will not be able to forget her past. i have been married 32 years , my wife's past still bothers me. the thing is to forgive her for the past. wither it is her fault or not. we can't change it but we can offer love and forgiveness . build on what you have, and not what you have lost.

i know it is a feeling of lose ,& hurt. that is what tears at your heart the most.

[Just a Guy]

Hi JH21, I don't get it. 10 years ago you chose your wife in spite of knowing the broad details of her past. You had no problem then. Now 10 years later after accidentally discovering her journals you have developed feelings of angst and distrust of her for things she did before she had committed to you. Since you have as colourful a history as her I think your attitude reeks of double standards. That apart she did not drag you to the alter and force you to marry her. If she had a number of boyfriends then I guess you could have used your imagination to visualize all of the sexual things she did with them. After all she was single and as some one said in her wild phase.

I guess your problems stem from some sort of inadequacy or neurotic problem of your own. I would endorse the view expressed by some one else that you should seek professional help for you to deal with this. Don't punish your wife for something that is wrong with you or else be kind to her and divorce her and go your separate ways. Warm wishes!

Edited September 28, 2015 by Just a Guy

[autumnnight]

the thing is to forgive her for the past

 

I find the idea that she needs to be forgiven by YOU for things in her life before you even met extremely disturbing.