Upset about my wifes past

[MrBojangles]

This drama is a choice. You do not have a time machine. You can be a husband, or you can obsess about something unchangeable.

 

You are choosing to keep this alive, and, sadly, getting some encouragement. Listen to the men here who actually have healthy relationships. What are THEY telling you?

 

Let. It. Go.

 

Period

 

 

 

 

This^^^^ X100

 

 

Are women tainted for life just because they've enjoyed sex with multiple partners in the past? The fact is that this woman has chosen to settle with you! Unless she's out running around on you sleeping with other men currently, just get over her past!

 

 

Unless she passed herself off as a virgin when you met, let this go, or let her go if you can't deal with it.

[Got it]

Yes. I know I need to be doing that and I try but part of me second guesses whether I should have got back with her after that weekend fling happened. Most of my issues are revolved around that.

 

But why? Why now? Would you want to be condemned for something that was in your past that you thought you guys had moved passed? That isn't fair. You aren't being fair.

[jh21]

But why? Why now? Would you want to be condemned for something that was in your past that you thought you guys had moved passed? That isn't fair. You aren't being fair.

 

Well I know. I honestly don't think I ever got over it but it was Ok until I found that she searched for him 2 years ago on facebook when we weren't doing so well in our marriage. I snapped. I almost left. I think it was 10 years of an issue that I buried coming exploding out. I never felt so betrayed and even though she said she had no intentions of contacting him she should have never been thinking about him. I am having an extremely hard time letting that go and my trust for her has gone out the window. Maybe thats why all this other stuff is bothering me now. Am I looking for a way out? All of a sudden I sometimes wish I could go back in time to change my decision to become exclusive with her and maybe should have just walked away.

 

All this stuff I am thinking about: the journals and the details in them, the number of her past 'conquests' and the weekend fling never bothered me until now. Im 36 and I think part of it is if I do want to start over because I felt betrayed by her searching for him then now is the time to do it. But that said, I don't want to be single or start over and leave my wife and kids for this early mid-life crisis.

 

That said, I have never tried this hard to change things and the way I was to become happier and have a better marriage. But for some reason I go back and forth because I cannot forgive her or stop thinking if she will contact him or search him out in the future because part of me thinks she still thinks about him or isn't over him. Mainly for the fact that there are still pictures of him and her together from that wedding weekend fling and from before I was around. It's F'ed up.

Edited September 25, 2015 by jh21

[Got it]

Well I know. I honestly don't think I ever got over it but it was Ok until I found that she searched for him 2 years ago on facebook when we weren't doing so well in our marriage. I snapped. I almost left. I think it was 10 years of an issue that I buried coming exploding out. I never felt so betrayed and even though she said she had no intentions of contacting him she should have never been thinking about him. I am having an extremely hard time letting that go and my trust for her has gone out the window. Maybe thats why all this other stuff is bothering me now. Am I looking for a way out? All of a sudden I sometimes wish I could go back in time to change my decision to become exclusive with her and maybe should have just walked away.

 

All this stuff I am thinking about: the journals and the details in them, the number of her past 'conquests' and the weekend fling never bothered me until now. Im 36 and I think part of it is if I do want to start over because I felt betrayed by her searching for him then now is the time to do it. But that said, I don't want to be single or start over and leave my wife and kids for this early mid-life crisis.

 

That said, I have never tried this hard to change things and the way I was to become happier and have a better marriage. But for some reason I go back and forth because I cannot forgive her or stop thinking if she will contact him or search him out in the future because part of me thinks she still thinks about him or isn't over him. Mainly for the fact that there are still pictures of him and her together from that wedding weekend fling and from before I was around. It's F'ed up.

 

I think you are afraid of letting it go. I think you keep picking at the scab so you can stay stuck there because if you let it go and you get hurt again you are afraid it will hurt worse. So you can't move things forward no matter how good it is. The good is actually scaring you.

 

Fear is what is keeping you stuck.

[jh21]

I think you are afraid of letting it go. I think you keep picking at the scab so you can stay stuck there because if you let it go and you get hurt again you are afraid it will hurt worse. So you can't move things forward no matter how good it is. The good is actually scaring you.

 

Fear is what is keeping you stuck.

 

You nailed it. We have been to counselling a few times and that is exactly what she said.

 

And I am having the hardest time letting my guard down because I think I did a bit and then in 2013 I was burnt by her searching him on facebook and now the journals I read have made things even worse.

 

Im having a hard time trusting her. I always have for that matter actually. So I just pretend that everything is all good but in reality Im a mess inside. Then something triggers me (lile reading those journals) to do a 180 and say stuff that I probably shouldn't say. It's not good.

Edited September 25, 2015 by jh21

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes. I know I need to be doing that and I try but part of me second guesses whether I should have got back with her after that weekend fling happened. Most of my issues are revolved around that.

 

Here's how you described that weekend (WHICH WAS EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO!!!) in your other thread:

 

She goes to a wedding for a weekend. I drop her off at the airport and pick her up. Nothing happened with us that night which I thought was weird. She comes over the next day and said she slept with an ex of her's twice over that weekend. He wasnt really an ex but a guy that was always around for 5 years or so. She actually told me that before I came around she was going to move to his city to be with him. She had a long history with him and a short one with me.

 

No exclusive relationship with you. Long history with him. She thought she was going to move to his city to be with him. If there was a fling - it was with you.

 

Not sure why you're so interested in vilifying her and describing her actions and demeanor in such negative terms. I will tell you one thing - this isn't about a long-age weekend.

 

Why not address whatever issues exist in your marriage head on? Rather than a victim, be a husband. Your marriage will be better for it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jh21]

Here's how you described that weekend (WHICH WAS EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO!!!) in your other thread:

 

 

 

No exclusive relationship with you. Long history with him. She thought she was going to move to his city to be with him. If there was a fling - it was with you.

 

Not sure why you're so interested in vilifying her and describing her actions and demeanor in such negative terms. I will tell you one thing - this isn't about a long-age weekend.

 

Why not address whatever issues exist in your marriage head on? Rather than a victim, be a husband. Your marriage will be better for it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It was 10 years ago. Not 18

[Mr. Lucky]

It was 10 years ago. Not 18

 

That the difference is important to you just proves my point. But just for you:

 

WHICH WAS TEN YEARS AGO!!!

 

Mr. Lucky

[jh21]

You are single handedly ruining your M.

 

Dude... Since YOU can't get over it - stop staying and torturing her.

 

I wasn't the one that kept her journals around about all her past conquests. Im not the one who still has photo albums around about them all. I have asked her to get rid of the journals and she burnt one but not the other and she has said she will get rid of some of the photos but that was months ago.

 

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

[autumnnight]

I wasn't the one that kept her journals around about all her past conquests. Im not the one who still has photo albums around about them all. I have asked her to get rid of the journals and she burnt one but not the other and she has said she will get rid of some of the photos but that was months ago.

 

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

 

I seriously doubt you will feel any better. Your posts have moved from wanting to get past it to defending your insistence on holding onto it. BUT...just take the journal and burn it yourself.

Edited September 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[digdoug]

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

 

look you will not be able to forget her past. i have been married 32 years , my wife's past still bothers me. the thing is to forgive her for the past. wither it is her fault or not. we can't change it but we can offer love and forgiveness . build on what you have, and not what you have lost.

i know it is a feeling of lose ,& hurt. that is what tears at your heart the most.

[Just a Guy]

Hi JH21, I don't get it. 10 years ago you chose your wife in spite of knowing the broad details of her past. You had no problem then. Now 10 years later after accidentally discovering her journals you have developed feelings of angst and distrust of her for things she did before she had committed to you. Since you have as colourful a history as her I think your attitude reeks of double standards. That apart she did not drag you to the alter and force you to marry her. If she had a number of boyfriends then I guess you could have used your imagination to visualize all of the sexual things she did with them. After all she was single and as some one said in her wild phase.

I guess your problems stem from some sort of inadequacy or neurotic problem of your own. I would endorse the view expressed by some one else that you should seek professional help for you to deal with this. Don't punish your wife for something that is wrong with you or else be kind to her and divorce her and go your separate ways. Warm wishes!

Edited September 28, 2015 by Just a Guy

[autumnnight]

the thing is to forgive her for the past

 

I find the idea that she needs to be forgiven by YOU for things in her life before you even met extremely disturbing.

[Mr1oyalty]

I wasn't the one that kept her journals around about all her past conquests. Im not the one who still has photo albums around about them all. I have asked her to get rid of the journals and she burnt one but not the other and she has said she will get rid of some of the photos but that was months ago.

 

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

 

 

Let her know how important it is to you for her to get rid of the stuff, have her get rid of it. If she refuses or is even too resistant you should end it for the simple fact that neither of you are committed to each other enough to do what it takes to move forward. Its sounds like you feel as if this other person is someone she wishes she could be with from time to time? You need to talk with her about it if that is the case.

 

As far as her general past goes, I assume that if your W assures you that you are her #1 draft pick the rest doesn't matter? Even if it does bother you there is light at the end of the tunnel if you are strong enough to make it. There is a certain level of intimacy that can only be had from knowing a persons worst moments, traits, past actions etc and STILL loving them as the whole of who they are. Like wise there is a certain level of intimacy that can only be given when you feel you can safely expose ALL of your self, past, present, and future to your SO.

 

The problem however is by your post I can see your wife likely would not expose herself fully to you because you presumably would crush her if she made her self that vulnerable. So such levels of intimacy may be beyond your reach without work. Understand that you are in a relationship with a real person you vowed to love though, this person has a real past like you, real issues like you, real things she may have had to change like you. The fact is, its easier to love an image you created in your mind then to love the real person in front of you who's life you don't find fully angelic. The reward is greater though if you choose to love the real person.

 

My W had a hell of a past and I wanted to know everything about her including the bad. Once she realized I saw real her through even her own nicer self projected image and I still loved the hell out of her, the closer we became. If I came upon a journal of my W past as graphic as your W's was, I would probably laugh mock/tease her a little bit about it a little in good fun watching her blush, she knows I love a freak. She would get rid of it on her own though probably the christian that she is now.

 

The fact that the journal is destroying you though sounds like you have a childish view of your W, like the teenager who discovers his parents are real people who made mistakes and suddenly feels they don't deserve respect anymore. Its time to get rid of the childish view of your wife and see the grown up human being who lived and made mistakes and love her, as it is the grown up thing to do bro. You are at a crossroads where you can use her past as an opportunity to better understand your W or to beat her over the head with it, in which case your both your lives will be miserable. If you can possibly not come off to her as condemning or condescending perhaps you can get her to willingly give you the keys to her past and who she is now, then you can make her feel even more comfortable with her past and herself which will bode well for you in ways I wont explain:D but in my experience, woman guard these things well, especially if you come off as quick to judge. Good Luck!

[ShatteredLady]

I also get the feeling that this is all really about something else. It feels like the OP desperately wants to hold onto this & use it as an excuse to damage/end his M. I don't know.

 

These are JOURNALS we are talking about. They're not just lists of her sexual exploits. Did the OP read all the writings about loving HIM, marrying HIM, getting pregnant & giving birth?

 

I wish I'd kept journals. I truly do.

 

The journal she won't burn is the one that contains the end of her GRANDMOTHERS life!!

 

I get the feeling that he just skimmed through searching for things (he already knew) to punish her for NOW.

 

The BIG lie (only unknown thing from 10 YEARS ago when she was single) seems to be about the genital warts. I've asked this a few times... I thought this was something that reoccurred throughout life. They've been together 10 years & had children. Maybe she didn't mention this because she was wrong at the time & didn't have them???

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I've never had them. How could she have them & him never catch them?

[jh21]

Let her know how important it is to you for her to get rid of the stuff, have her get rid of it. If she refuses or is even too resistant you should end it for the simple fact that neither of you are committed to each other enough to do what it takes to move forward. Its sounds like you feel as if this other person is someone she wishes she could be with from time to time? You need to talk with her about it if that is the case.

 

As far as her general past goes, I assume that if your W assures you that you are her #1 draft pick the rest doesn't matter? Even if it does bother you there is light at the end of the tunnel if you are strong enough to make it. There is a certain level of intimacy that can only be had from knowing a persons worst moments, traits, past actions etc and STILL loving them as the whole of who they are. Like wise there is a certain level of intimacy that can only be given when you feel you can safely expose ALL of your self, past, present, and future to your SO.

 

The problem however is by your post I can see your wife likely would not expose herself fully to you because you presumably would crush her if she made her self that vulnerable. So such levels of intimacy may be beyond your reach without work. Understand that you are in a relationship with a real person you vowed to love though, this person has a real past like you, real issues like you, real things she may have had to change like you. The fact is, its easier to love an image you created in your mind then to love the real person in front of you who's life you don't find fully angelic. The reward is greater though if you choose to love the real person.

 

My W had a hell of a past and I wanted to know everything about her including the bad. Once she realized I saw real her through even her own nicer self projected image and I still loved the hell out of her, the closer we became. If I came upon a journal of my W past as graphic as your W's was, I would probably laugh mock/tease her a little bit about it a little in good fun watching her blush, she knows I love a freak. She would get rid of it on her own though probably the christian that she is now.

 

The fact that the journal is destroying you though sounds like you have a childish view of your W, like the teenager who discovers his parents are real people who made mistakes and suddenly feels they don't deserve respect anymore. Its time to get rid of the childish view of your wife and see the grown up human being who lived and made mistakes and love her, as it is the grown up thing to do bro. You are at a crossroads where you can use her past as an opportunity to better understand your W or to beat her over the head with it, in which case your both your lives will be miserable. If you can possibly not come off to her as condemning or condescending perhaps you can get her to willingly give you the keys to her past and who she is now, then you can make her feel even more comfortable with her past and herself which will bode well for you in ways I wont explain:D but in my experience, woman guard these things well, especially if you come off as quick to judge. Good Luck!

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have asked her a few times to get rid of the journals and photos but they are still around. Im not sure how many more times I need to ask? I just want her to do it on her own but it isn't getting done.

 

As for communication: Do you suggest I tell her I know how many 1 night stands she has had (she told me 1 which isn't true) or that I know she had an STD and that I am upset that she didn't tell me? Or that I am upset that she did some things to previous boyfriends that she doesn't do to me?

 

Those are the biggest issues I guess. Yes, I knew of her past but I really only knew of 1 or 2 of the guys. Now I know them all and what they did. It's not an easy thing to brush under the rug.

[jh21]

I also get the feeling that this is all really about something else. It feels like the OP desperately wants to hold onto this & use it as an excuse to damage/end his M. I don't know.

 

These are JOURNALS we are talking about. They're not just lists of her sexual exploits. Did the OP read all the writings about loving HIM, marrying HIM, getting pregnant & giving birth?

 

I wish I'd kept journals. I truly do.

 

The journal she won't burn is the one that contains the end of her GRANDMOTHERS life!!

 

I get the feeling that he just skimmed through searching for things (he already knew) to punish her for NOW.

 

The BIG lie (only unknown thing from 10 YEARS ago when she was single) seems to be about the genital warts. I've asked this a few times... I thought this was something that reoccurred throughout life. They've been together 10 years & had children. Maybe she didn't mention this because she was wrong at the time & didn't have them???

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I've never had them. How could she have them & him never catch them?

 

You couldn't he more wrong. I read both journals from front to back. Hundreds of pages with 98% of it being chasing after this guy or that or what she did with this guy after the bar. It wasn't just the 17 guys or so she had sex with, there were literally dozens others that she was with in some way or another. It was basically a sex diary of her chasing man to man.

 

And there was nothing in there about me..the writing stopped about 2 months before we met.

 

As for the grandmother stuff....I told her to rip out the 2 pages about her and keep them but to get rid of the 500 of so other pages about her going from guy to guy.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If your wife's past is that important to you...if you cannot get past what she did prior to your relationship....the answer is pretty clear.

 

divorce her and move on.

 

But I want to tell you something....the odds of you finding a woman with no sexual past are pretty slim.....

 

My husband married a 17 year old virgin....43 years ago.

What are the odds of that happening now?

 

You are willing to throw away a relationship for things she did before she ever met you....

She was not obligated to tell you her past...she did not have to tell you the truth...why? Because what she did before you...does not involve you....and she may be embarrassed or ashamed by the things she said and did.

 

I can not tell you what is right for you...what i think does not matter.

But if your wife's past has this kind of effect on you...if you cannot get past it....then you need to end this relationship.

[road]

If this wife had her husband first in her life before all past men and it was brought to her attention that keeping reminders of the past men no matter what they are. Whether journals, photos, souvenirs, whatever, are a source of pain to her husband she should be willing to get rid of those things.

 

 

I bet this woman has not looked at those things in years. That shows that she does not need them.

[jh21]

Being passive aggressive about it won't make it better. Neither will the attempt to make your wife feel like a skank.

 

 

Really dude, what's your goal here? What do you intend to accomplish? Looks like you want her to feel like a POS.

 

 

Yah, that always makes for a good marriage... At this point it looks like abuse.

 

Let her go free man.

 

Its not abuse. I hardly have talked about anything.

 

I just wish she would have told me the truth. I read some stuff in there that if I would have read when we were dating I'm sure I wouldn't have pursued a relationship.

 

Throw in the weekend fling and the fact that she searched him out a few years ago and Im not sure how I can let it go or even trust her in the future.

 

And yet after all of this I am the bad guy. All I am trying to do is make it work but apparently even talking about the lies to her is abuse or that I should just let go her searching out the one guy she never should have 6 years into a marriage and when we were in a rough spot. Add that to the fact that she told me she cheated on all her boyfriends and how am I supposed to feel?

[Mr1oyalty]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have asked her a few times to get rid of the journals and photos but they are still around. Im not sure how many more times I need to ask? I just want her to do it on her own but it isn't getting done.

 

As for communication: Do you suggest I tell her I know how many 1 night stands she has had (she told me 1 which isn't true) or that I know she had an STD and that I am upset that she didn't tell me? Or that I am upset that she did some things to previous boyfriends that she doesn't do to me?

 

Those are the biggest issues I guess. Yes, I knew of her past but I really only knew of 1 or 2 of the guys. Now I know them all and what they did. It's not an easy thing to brush under the rug.

 

First you have to ask yourself do you actually love your wife now? If not divorce her.

If you love her then let her know that before you do anything. You have every right to be upset about her lying and about the std but if you want to move forward, you know your relationship best and how to do that. I believe in honesty first always so If I felt as you do I would tell my wife I love her and first make sure she knows that and then I would tell my W what I did and what I knew and how I felt about her lying. In your case you and your W may have a relationship where you have diaries etc that you keep from each other, you would need to apologize about that if that's your relationship and you broke you guys code. As far as all the things she did sexually I would make it clear the big deal is not what she did but that she lied, and felt the need to lie(would she lie if you asked her now?). Those are signs that both of you may have been in a bad relationship from the get go. You could wait on the part about what she does not do for you, she may have her reasons.

 

The thing is you would likely have to have a rapport with each other to be able to work through these things in away to come out understanding each other more. You guys may not have it. You may just want to look at her as a 4letter word and she may just be a liar. I would at least try though bro. 10 years is nothing to throw away because you are feeling insecure or whatever it maybe, even her lying , you have to think about what you both have or don't have now!

 

It ultimately comes down to what you know of your relationship. You know how to do the right thing out of love or the wrong thing out of something else. All I will say is if you want to go forward with your wife its better to build her up then knock her down cause you will have to live with her and so do your children. As far as the journal goes if she knows how you feel about it and is not getting rid of it then divorce because you both probably are wasting each others time. You know your relationship but I always error on the side of giving it everything you go if the other person is willing to do the same. Who knows she may get rid of it after you talk. What every you do I hope it goes well and you both work on whatever issues you both have.

 

Also note the feeling you may have here from posters who are trying to help you, that's the feeling you don't want your W to feel from you, so be careful if you do tell her. Tread like its someone you care about.

[Mr. Lucky]

You couldn't he more wrong. I read both journals from front to back. Hundreds of pages with 98% of it being chasing after this guy or that or what she did with this guy after the bar. It wasn't just the 17 guys or so she had sex with, there were literally dozens others that she was with in some way or another. It was basically a sex diary of her chasing man to man.

 

Once you got two pages into the journal and understood they were her private diaries and thoughts, any resulting damage is 100% on you. And you were so upset by what you read in the first one you read the second one also.

 

jh21, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest your past could not survive the intense scrutiny you're subjecting hers to - I know mine couldn't. I'm fortunate to be married to someone who values the present - and our future together - more than the past...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Horton]

jh21, as you can see from reading the responses on here many people believe it's justifiable for a wife to deceive her husband as long as she deems it necessary. Your painful reaction to the truth has been held up by some posters as evidence that she was right to lie to you in the first place. I don't hold this view myself.

 

I believe that those who seek to justify lying as long as it's done for the 'right' reasons are ignoring the fact that human beings are frequently dishonest with themselves about their own motives and will always find a 'reason' to lie if they decide that it's in their best interest to do so.

 

The idea that it's ever okay to lie to one's spouse is alien to me, but sadly there are many who are guilty of holding this viewpoint, your wife apparently is(or was) one of them. Regardless, your reaction so far has been understandable for a person in your position. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.

[Mr1oyalty]

^^^^Yeah I would say he needs to ignore the stuff about him needing to get over the fact that she lied about it as if its no biggie. It needs to be addressed if it bothers him, and she felt it important enough to lie about it so it says something. If it affects him you can't go too far in judging another person's legitimate pain. Maybe she is changed but if she lied about things like that when he was deciding whether he should commit the rest of his life to her or not it is no small matter. If it was important to him and she lied about it with that in mind then he would be justified in calling a lot into question as that is the natural consequences of lies sometimes. I do think if he wants to go forward with her though he has to tread carefully as people don't just change their stripes often. If he asked her today she may lie in the present! Which would prove the knowledge of the past is of some use in the present. Or maybe she has changed? Point is honesty and communication is the best policy. With the truth he will know if his wife is worth keeping and vice versa. If she told the truth then it would be totally is own thing to deal with.

[autumnnight]

jh21, as you can see from reading the responses on here many people believe it's justifiable for a wife to deceive her husband as long as she deems it necessary. Your painful reaction to the truth has been held up by some posters as evidence that she was right to lie to you in the first place. I don't hold this view myself.

 

I believe that those who seek to justify lying as long as it's done for the 'right' reasons are ignoring the fact that human beings are frequently dishonest with themselves about their own motives and will always find a 'reason' to lie if they decide that it's in their best interest to do so.

 

The idea that it's ever okay to lie to one's spouse is alien to me, but sadly there are many who are guilty of holding this viewpoint, your wife apparently is(or was) one of them. Regardless, your reaction so far has been understandable for a person in your position. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.

 

Oh please. You know people here don't think dewception is fine. And you know this stopped being about deception a lot of pages ago.

 

This man needed a to divorced so he can find a virgin and she can find someone who loves their woman she is today.

 

I ended a drink