Upset about my wifes past

[beatcuff]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

All this started 4 months ago. For the longest time, years actually, we drifted apart. Mainly because the kids but alot had to do with us not putting in the time or caring about the marriage actually. Then one day, roughly 4 months ago, I was having talk with a guy at work and how he was miserable because his wife left him. It was then I decided to do a complete 180 and make the marriage work. We went on date nights. We started being nice to each other and everything was great.

 

Then I found those journals. So it was a mixed bag of me trying my hardest in the marriage to me being sick having all those images in my head to it triggering the weekend when she had a fling with a guy mentioned in the journals alot when we were first starting off casually dating.

 

Because of what I read and the memories that were triggered of the weekend where she was with that other guy, I started bringing up that weekend over and over looking for awnsers and never getting the ones I wanted. It was upsetting her and making me more insecure for even talking about it. I was going back and forth after ahe thought we were good saying I dont know if I can stay and such. Reading the journals brought back her searching him on facebook in 2013 but she said she was just curious and didnt contact him. We went to counselling and brushed it all under the rug. I was close to leaving then and reading the journals triggered it all back.

 

I had to tell her I read the journals and that was the reason I was bringing up a weekend fling 10 years ago and for acting like I was.

 

We talked about her not using condoms back then and then why the F should I have to? She said her period was all messed up and was on birth control and she is terrified of having another kid now (she is 39) as am I!! Since then we have used condoms less during the right time and I just got a vasectomy.

 

We talked about that weekend fling with the other guy and who he was, how she felt about him and how after it happened she knew it would never work (she wad supposed to move to his city..news to me! To be with him) and that she was never to have contact with him again. And we agreed to be exclusive. We talked about how I was acting the way I was because of what I read. We talked about how I have always been insecure and have trust issues because of that weekend, even though we werent officially together yet but she told me all she wants is me and she has been faithful since that incident. I told her (and I told myself) I wont talk about that weekend anymore and that I do trust her.

 

We talked about her diminished sex drive (2 young kids) and how I thought it was unfair to me to have to beg for sex when she gave it away so freely back in the day. And since we have been good together the sex has come back.

 

So basically its these images in my head, and me still obsessing (to myself) about that weekend and that guy that was triggered by reading those journals as well as me not mentioning anything about the STD. But other than that our marriage has been the best it has been in years.

 

i am bringing back this message because this is the REAL issue. you are deflecting with the journals.

 

bold: WOW. when we had our first child my wife did about everything (90+%): cooked, cleaned, changing, breast feedings, medication, she was going to school, you name it she did it. and I WAS NEVER MORE EXHAUSTED in my life. not her, ME. needless to say her sex drive, hell mine: i would have taken a 20 minute nap instead of the best sex of my life then. it took years to stabilize. pre-children it was nearly everyday, today more like nearly every week.

 

so the real problem is you have a wife that is taking care of YOUR two small children and fails to be the 'wild thing' she was eons ago. seriously?

 

what is your end game? you have done everything in this thread to avoid this. burning the journals will NOT increase her sex drive nor will it destroy her past.

 

keep this up and it will backfire. at some point she will wonder why this is now on the radar. if she was here asking the number #1 response would be: you are having an affair and your guilt is trying to find fault with her.

 

go get some IC to deal with this. apologize to your wife. stop with the past and enjoy the today and the future. those kids grow up REALLY fast.

 

otherwise keep it up: i see weekend dad in your future.

[road]

If this wife

 

 

I meant to say put her husband first

 

had her husband first in her life before all past men and it was brought to her attention that keeping reminders of the past men no matter what they are. Whether journals, photos, souvenirs, whatever, are a source of pain to her husband she should be willing to get rid of those things.

 

 

I bet this woman has not looked at those things in years. That shows that she does not need them.

 

 

 

 

Too late to edit

[autumnnight]

We talked about her diminished sex drive (2 young kids) and how I thought it was unfair to me to have to beg for sex when she gave it away so freely back in the day. And since we have been good together the sex has come back.

 

You actually said this to your wife?

 

I'm speechless

[qubist]

jh21: all you are doing right now is stressing your self,let's set the facts:

1 you wife mad a mistake not revealing her past and lying about it.

2 you are insecure which is OK as long as you work on it but instead you are adding to your anxiety.

the important question is:what do you want? do you still love your W and thing she's been a good w and a mother and worth spending the rest of your life with her? ask yourself this question and answer it frankly.

if the answer is NO, disregard what I'm about to write in fact disregerd every post in here and contact your D lawyer. problem solved.

if YES, you should work on yourself, understand that your anxiety would escalate if you don't tackle it properly, first talk to your wife explain to her nicely that you are insecure and may need her help, without accusation or attack explain to her that her lies the diaries are hurting you. distract yourself from the subject the best you can, a proffessional IC may be needed

[jh21]

Oh please. You know people here don't think dewception is fine. And you know this stopped being about deception a lot of pages ago.

 

This man needed a to divorced so he can find a virgin and she can find someone who loves their woman she is today.

 

I ended a drink

 

Give me a break.

 

What I need is to not get lied to right from the start. STD's, number or parters.....none of that matters to you? What if it was a man who lied to his GF about that stuff to get the woman to marry her? Would it matter then?

 

I also need to trust my wife which is something I have never been able to do because of her past of cheating on every boyfriend, her sleeping with her fling guy when we were casual and emails and stuff that I have read along the way. Not to mention her searching for him on facebook. All this doesn't matter?

 

It has nothing to do with her number but rather the lies and deception and stuff that has happened since we have been together. But yep, it's all my fault. Good god.

[jh21]

You actually said this to your wife?

 

I'm speechless

 

So let me get this straight: it's ok for a woman to sleep with everyone that comes in contact with her but soon as she gets married and has children she can completly forget about her husband and he should act like nothing is wrong?

 

Good to know.

[autumnnight]

So let me get this straight: it's ok for a woman to sleep with everyone that comes in contact with her but soon as she gets married and has children she can completly forget about her husband and he should act like nothing is wrong?

 

Good to know.

 

There is no way that is what my post meant, and you know it.

 

You are being intentionally obtuse and extreme because you know how just...insulting it was to tell your wife "hey, you better put out for me since you used to be such a slut with all those strangers."

 

Your are punishing, disrespecting, and holding a grudge against your wife. You are choosing to use her past as a get-out-of-jail free card to treat her as inferior and damaged.

 

You knew she had been with other people, even some casually, before you ever married her. The one lie she DID tell - about the STD - you won;t even mention to her. But you passive-aggressively blackmail her by shaming her for her past.

 

Nothing I posted even begins to indicate that it is fine to neglect your spouse sexually. That was your illogical and defensive emotion talking.

 

You, sir, are treating your wife shabbily, choosing to nurse anger, choosing to hold a grudge, and refusing to do anything constructive or proactive about it. And the simple truth is, you LIKE "having something on her." You like feeling better than her.

 

You came here seemingly wanting to know how to restore closeness with your wife and deal with this, and the more you post, the more angry, bitter and defensive you become, and the more vehemently you justify your view of your wife, who has been faithful to you for over a decade

 

If what you want is a circle of males and females who will validate your desire to bludgeon and judge your wife, you will find plenty of people itching to do so. But that will not help your marriage.

 

Would you rather be married or superior?

[d0nnivain]

jh21

 

Do you understand that the drop off in sex had more to do with the fact that you have 2 young children then whatever it was your wife was doing before she met you?

 

You are asking all the wrong Qs. Has she lied to you since you have been married? No. Has she cheated on you? No. Is she a good wife & mother? Yes. Do you have a time machine? No.

 

So it is what it is. Before she met you your wife was wilder then she told you. You can't unring that bell. But if things were going well before you read her diaries, why are you letting the past destroy your marriage now? As somebody else mentioned, when you found the diaries, the honorable thing to do would have been to give them to her, not read them.

 

Yeah I get it, she looked up an old BF. So what? Last week on the anniversary of his death my FB feed was filled with pictures of my EX. One of them made me cry. He looked so young, so handsome & full of life. When my husband found me crying, he closed the FB page & held me. He did not have some freak out because I was sad that an EX died.

 

Are you really going to put your kids through a divorce because you got your panties in a twist over childish stuff that happened before you were ever part of your wife's life?

[Rejected Rosebud]

So let me get this straight: it's ok for a woman to sleep with everyone that comes in contact with her but soon as she gets married and has children she can completly forget about her husband and he should act like nothing is wrong?

 

Good to know.

Do you realize how horrible that sounds? You are talking about the woman who you married and who has become the (tired, no doubt) mother of YOUR two children since the distant past when she "slept with everyone she comes in contact with.) Wow. It must be awful for her. :(

 

I had a little sympathy for you but now I just have sympathy for her, she is living her family life and you are holding her past against her. I did something bad in my past that directly affected my fiance, unlike what your wife did (that has nothing to do with you). I cheated on him. He chose to forgive me, he didn't have to do that but since he has, I trust that he won't decide to torture me about it in future decades after we have our family. That is because he is a standup guy of strong character. I love him. :love: so much and this thread makes me appreciate him extra. :love:

[qubist]

 

 

 

You are asking all the wrong Qs. Has she lied to you since you have been married? No. Has she cheated on you? No. Is she a good wife & mother? Yes. Do you have a time machine? No.

 

aaaah if we only had a time machine:)

 

JH21: you really need to stop torturing yourself. if you can't do it by yourself seek help get an IC, trust me it is all in your head once you calm down you will be able to address all that with her. what you are doing will stress you more increase your anxiety then push you to act stupidly.

good luck

[Horton]

So let me get this straight: it's ok for a woman to sleep with everyone that comes in contact with her but soon as she gets married and has children she can completly forget about her husband and he should act like nothing is wrong?

 

Good to know.

 

One thing I think many posters are not understanding is that you're not just upset about one issue, it's a plethora of smaller issues that form a nasty sh*t sandwich that you're being asked to choke down. People advising you to basically just get over it are not seeing the whole picture IMO. They're just latching on to one thing that they find personally objectionable and focusing on that, but that's the nature of the internet I suppose. Now I don't know what your wife's issue is, but there are some wives who spend their youth getting passed around only to become cold and frigid to the father of their children, this happens so much that there are entire sub forums dedicated to the subject. It's almost like a reverse Madonna-whore complex, a Daddy-bad boy complex if you will. This is one of the reasons people in certain parts of the world still practice arranged marriage, it's an extreme method of trying to avoid all of this craziness, not that it always works out that way of course.

[autumnnight]

I also need to trust my wife which is something I have never been able to do

 

This is COMPLETELY different from your sentiment at the beginning of your thread.

 

Which is it?

[autumnnight]

One thing I think many posters are not understanding is that you're not just upset about one issue, it's a plethora of smaller issues that form a nasty sh*t sandwich that you're being asked to choke down. People advising you to basically just get over it are not seeing the whole picture IMO. They're just latching on to one thing that they find personally objectionable and focusing on that, but that's the nature of the internet I suppose. Now I don't know what your wife's issue is, but there are some wives who spend their youth getting passed around only to become cold and frigid to the father of their children, this happens so much that there are entire sub forums dedicated to the subject. It's almost like a reverse Madonna-whore complex, a Daddy-bad boy complex if you will. This is one of the reasons people in certain parts of the world still practice arranged marriage, it's an extreme method of trying to avoid all of this craziness, not that it always works out that way of course.

 

I'm always impressed at people who know everyone else's motive.

 

Read his thread from the beginning. At first, he loved his wonderful wife, but he was just troubled by these journals he found and wanted to get through it. The longer he posts, the more angry he gets, the worse she is, and the more things he is upset about. Seems to me that he has been fueled by the usual "yeah, man, she's a ho" routine and now instead of trying to repair things with the woman he loves, he's a poor martyr married to a lying hooker.

 

Honestly, he just needs to divorce. There will never be a level playing field again in their marriage.

[Horton]

Honestly, he just needs to divorce. There will never be a level playing field again in their marriage.

 

That's always your advice on every thread I see you on. Are you a divorce attorney?

[autumnnight]

That's always your advice on every thread I see you on. Are you a divorce attorney?

 

No, just someone who knows what it is like when a person (or people) want ot keep in you in a subservient and subhuman box indefinitely.

[Horton]

No, just someone who knows what it is like when a person (or people) want ot keep in you in a subservient and subhuman box indefinitely.

 

I don't see where he's done that to her.

He asked her to get rid of her old journals that are filled with sexual conquests from her single days, but I don't see that as being an over the top request for a spouse to make.

[autumnnight]

I don't see where he's done that to her.

He asked her to get rid of her old journals that are filled with sexual conquests from her single days, but I don't see that as being an over the top request for a spouse to make.

 

Me neither. I think getting rid of the journals should happen, like, yesterday.

 

I also think the STD thing should be discussed. That wasn't a little white lie.

 

I just think balancing that against the rest of the marriage fairly is wise.

 

If I was so angry and distrustful of my spouse that I was making statements indicating I had never been able to trust him....I do not think I would remain married.

 

I have to wonder sometimes if talking about this kind of thing repeatedly, nursing it, getting feedback from others who are nursing the same grudges, etc...doesn't just snowball the whole issue.

[jh21]

Me neither. I think getting rid of the journals should happen, like, yesterday.

 

I also think the STD thing should be discussed. That wasn't a little white lie.

 

I just think balancing that against the rest of the marriage fairly is wise.

 

If I was so angry and distrustful of my spouse that I was making statements indicating I had never been able to trust him....I do not think I would remain married.

 

I have to wonder sometimes if talking about this kind of thing repeatedly, nursing it, getting feedback from others who are nursing the same grudges, etc...doesn't just snowball the whole issue.

 

I am upset that she hasn't got rid of the journals and pics of all her ex BF's. I shouldn't have to continually ask her to. To me, that says she doesn't want to get rid of them. Which doesn't help the trust issue.

 

I am going to mention that to her tonight as well as the STD thing. I dont know how it will turn out.

 

And contrary to what you have been saying, I have never held this over her head. I said it was hurtful that our relationship struggled and she showed no interest in sex. Since we have discussed that and worked on our marriage it has come back. I actually said the stuff I read in the journals didn't bother me because I didnt want to hurt her when in fact is has messed me up big time.

 

But all the other stuff will fester until I get it out in the open.

[Spectre]

I think this is a bit ridiculous...the OP is having a normal reaction to being deceived by his wife. What bothers me is all the comments of "oh well you won't ever find a virgin these days". That is silly to me because I don't think anyone expects a virgin. On the other hand nobody wants to be with the town pump either..and I find nothing wrong with that, doesn't mean a guy wants a girl as pure as the driven snow.

 

Also yeah it is messed up if he has to beg for sex when in the past she was apparently banging so many dudes and giving it up. People say the past is the past, but nah it makes up who we are and there is a problem if her husband has to BEG for sex when before she gave it up easily to random dudes there an issue. Having kids is no excuse..there are a variety of ways to fix the loss of sex drive. So I can understand why he is upset and I see no problem with him saying this to her.

 

I also have to ask the OP: I saw you mentioned a few years ago she tried to contact one of these guys. That means that while you were together she tried to get in touch with a former bang buddy? Why did she do this? You have also asked her repeated to get rid of the things and she hasn't. She knows they hurt you and she still hasn't. For me..I'd divorce her for that. I mean some people might think that isn't a big deal, but it just shows for her these things about her banging other dudes are more important then you.

 

So she is a liar..she is disrespectful, she lies about STD's, and she tries to contact men she used to have flings with. I really don't think there is much more to say.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Spectre

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, I feel sorry for your wife, there are an awful lot of assumptions being made about her here.

 

But I'd feel worse for you if you let the mob mentality here push you into doing something rash. If you dump your wife, in between weekend visits with your kids you'll have plenty of time to wonder what she's doing and who with.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Also yeah it is messed up if he has to beg for sex when in the past she was apparently banging so many dudes and giving it up. .

 

 

When she was with those other guys as a young girl she did not have two young kids at home. The OP wasn't getting sex because his wife was probably tired, overwhelmed & may have had a touch of post partum depression. If he wasn't helping around the house, that is why he wasn't getting sex. She simply ran out of energy being a new mom. The OP acknowledged that in his earlier posts.

 

 

It had absolutely nothing to do with who she dated a decade earlier.

[jh21]

When she was with those other guys as a young girl she did not have two young kids at home. The OP wasn't getting sex because his wife was probably tired, overwhelmed & may have had a touch of post partum depression. If he wasn't helping around the house, that is why he wasn't getting sex. She simply ran out of energy being a new mom. The OP acknowledged that in his earlier posts.

 

 

It had absolutely nothing to do with who she dated a decade earlier.

 

I did ALL the house and yard work. I did most of the house cleaning and along with that worked 12 hour shift work including nights.

 

I was just as exhausted as she was but I still wanted to have sex.

[autumnnight]

I did ALL the house and yard work. I did most of the house cleaning and along with that worked 12 hour shift work including nights.

 

I was just as exhausted as she was but I still wanted to have sex.

 

Did she nurse? Did she carry the baby? Studies say it takes at least as long as the pregnancy lasted to become physically "normal" again.

 

Look, I get it. You've had some angry commiseration, you've nursed this a bit, and now you want everything to be about how awful and slutty she is.

 

Bottom line, you cannot demand that your wife drop her pants anytime you want with babies around just because she was wild a decade ago.

 

If you want to discount your entire marriage over these journals, by all means do it sooner rather than later.

 

Your wife needs a chance to be happy, and you need to see exactly what you will be losing by riding everyone's vicarious outrage.

 

Oh, and no I do not think sexual starvation (REAL sexual starvation) or lying are right. And you already know that.

[Mr1oyalty]

I am upset that she hasn't got rid of the journals and pics of all her ex BF's. I shouldn't have to continually ask her to. To me, that says she doesn't want to get rid of them. Which doesn't help the trust issue.

 

I am going to mention that to her tonight as well as the STD thing. I dont know how it will turn out.

 

And contrary to what you have been saying, I have never held this over her head. I said it was hurtful that our relationship struggled and she showed no interest in sex. Since we have discussed that and worked on our marriage it has come back. I actually said the stuff I read in the journals didn't bother me because I didnt want to hurt her when in fact is has messed me up big time.

 

But all the other stuff will fester until I get it out in the open.

 

Lol bro, a lot of assumptions are being made about you. If they are false ignore them there is some Wknighting going on. Just keep your head on straight be mindful your wife's feelings but don't lie, be honest. If something is true and you don't want to hurt her feelings tell her that, with the truth. You are not some tyrant and your wife is no victim. We all know the past matters its what you do with it that counts. Any therapist will inquire about the past to understand who you are today. Make sure that you don't cause destruction with the knowledge you now have. If you are honest and loving I think you can one day look back and both of you will not regret that you learned what you learned. Her lie about the STD is no oops mistake, but look at the woman in front of you now and be mindful that she is the mother of your children. Like I said before this can either be the end of marriage or the beginning or greater intimacy and maturity for you both depending on how you handle it. Good Luck!

[Spectre]

When she was with those other guys as a young girl she did not have two young kids at home. The OP wasn't getting sex because his wife was probably tired, overwhelmed & may have had a touch of post partum depression. If he wasn't helping around the house, that is why he wasn't getting sex. She simply ran out of energy being a new mom. The OP acknowledged that in his earlier posts.

 

 

It had absolutely nothing to do with who she dated a decade earlier.

 

But you can take steps to fix those things, people can make time for each other. So I can get why he'd be upset that he finds she was doing all those things, but can't make time for her husband. Kids or no kids, people need to plan this stuff and make time for each other, otherwise they aren't partners anymore..they are nothing but parents.

 

Anyways, that is the least of his problems. The main issue is she knows the journals bother him and has failed to get rid of them. That tells us all we need to know. She doesn't need to get rid of the stuff about her grandmother. People kept saying "oh she probably just forgot about the journals" and that might of been true until the OP pointed them out to her several times. He also said they have been together for 10 years and a few years ago she tried to reach out to a dude she banged.

 

OP, I feel sorry for your wife, there are an awful lot of assumptions being made about her here.

 

But I'd feel worse for you if you let the mob mentality here push you into doing something rash. If you dump your wife, in between weekend visits with your kids you'll have plenty of time to wonder what she's doing and who with.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The wife has deceived him, ignored his asking her to get rid of journals about her escapades with other men(which have apparently a LOT of pages), and apparently reached out to one of her bang buddies a few years ago. These are facts. You say don't let people push him into doing something rash, and that is fine, but also don't push him into thinking he is overreacting to this. You see one extreme is no better then the other.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Spectre