Upset about my wifes past

[Mr. Lucky]

He also said they have been together for 10 years and a few years ago she tried to reach out to a dude she banged.

 

Exactly the mentality I'm talking about. She didn't "reach out to a dude she banged", she searched for an ex on Facebook. So have I, so has my wife and I'd wager so have most of Facebook's 1.2 billion users. What exactly are we guilty of?

 

jh21, I've hung in through both your threads and still don't understand this - today, what do you want your wife to do? I'd guess Step 1 would be tossing the journals. Perhaps you can elaborate as to Step 2 and beyond...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

I am upset that she hasn't got rid of the journals and pics of all her ex BF's. I shouldn't have to continually ask her to. To me, that says she doesn't want to get rid of them. Which doesn't help the trust issue.

 

I am going to mention that to her tonight as well as the STD thing. I dont know how it will turn out.

You know why I wouldn't get rid of the journals, if they were mine?

 

Because in all this angst and vitriol from my "loving husband," I have this gut feeling that even getting rid of the journals won't fix the problem and that - ultimately - the marriage will fail.

 

So where will I be several years from now? Single and without the husband that I loved and also without my own personal history journals.

[jh21]

Exactly the mentality I'm talking about. She didn't "reach out to a dude she banged", she searched for an ex on Facebook. So have I, so has my wife and I'd wager so have most of Facebook's 1.2 billion users. What exactly are we guilty of?

 

jh21, I've hung in through both your threads and still don't understand this - today, what do you want your wife to do? I'd guess Step 1 would be tossing the journals. Perhaps you can elaborate as to Step 2 and beyond...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do appreciate your advice.

 

Honestly, I don't know what step 2 is but me holding in all these concerns I have will only eat at me. I think I need to communicate them and see what happens in order to move forward.

[jh21]

You know why I wouldn't get rid of the journals, if they were mine?

 

Because in all this angst and vitriol from my "loving husband," I have this gut feeling that even getting rid of the journals won't fix the problem and that - ultimately - the marriage will fail.

 

So where will I be several years from now? Single and without the husband that I loved and also without my own personal history journals.

 

So keep them around for our kids to find about how she cheated on her boyfriends with this guy or that guy, slept with this dude in the backseat of a car and he came inside her or how she caught a STD and didn't know who it was from? It goes on and on....

 

Brilliant idea.

[jh21]

Exactly the mentality I'm talking about. She didn't "reach out to a dude she banged", she searched for an ex on Facebook. So have I, so has my wife and I'd wager so have most of Facebook's 1.2 billion users. What exactly are we guilty of?

 

jh21, I've hung in through both your threads and still don't understand this - today, what do you want your wife to do? I'd guess Step 1 would be tossing the journals. Perhaps you can elaborate as to Step 2 and beyond...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh and as for the facebook search...I made it clear after that weekend fling of hers with him that if she ever contacted him it would be over between us. I feel like I betrayed myself for not holding myself to my word back in 2013.

 

This wasn't just some random ex boyfriend. It was a dude who made me choose if I wanted to be with this girl or not.

 

She says she wasn't trying to contact him, only creep. But for some reason that doesn't matter to me. I just think Im lucky he lives in another city 8 hours away. There is my trust level summed up right there.

[CarrieT]

Honestly, I don't know what step 2 is but me holding in all these concerns I have will only eat at me. I think I need to communicate them and see what happens in order to move forward.

No, no, no...

 

In your GUT, are you envisioning your future as a loving couple or single?

 

Because those images do exist in your head. You are already sort of planning what your future looks like.

 

Please tell us.

[autumnnight]

Oh and as for the facebook search...I made it clear after that weekend fling of hers with him that if she ever contacted him it would be over between us. I feel like I betrayed myself for not holding myself to my word back in 2013.

 

This wasn't just some random ex boyfriend. It was a dude who made me choose if I wanted to be with this girl or not.

 

She says she wasn't trying to contact him, only creep. But for some reason that doesn't matter to me. I just think Im lucky he lives in another city 8 hours away. There is my trust level summed up right there.

 

Just leaves the poor woman. I'm sure there area few cool dudes you could room with and discuss how awful your wives are. You could probably evens find a nicer lady to server you spiked kool aid.

[MrBojangles]

Just leaves the poor woman. I'm sure there area few cool dudes you could room with and discuss how awful your wives are. You could probably evens find a nicer lady to server you spiked kool aid.

 

 

Can't believe this thread has reached 15 pages!

 

Please consider the advice above, or pack your wife up and move to a deserted island with no means of communications whatever. Maybe in time you will forget about her number of partners. Or you can grow-up and enjoy the sexual experience she brings to your marriage..

[TheGuard13]

I fail to see what making her get rid of her journals will accomplish.

 

It's not like she'll be getting rid of her past or your knowledge of it by doing so.

[CarrieT]

So keep them around for our kids to find about how she cheated on her boyfriends with this guy or that guy, slept with this dude in the backseat of a car and he came inside her or how she caught a STD and didn't know who it was from? It goes on and on....

 

Brilliant idea.

 

Your sarcasm is not very endearing.

 

Who is to say your kids will ever see them? Why do you make that assumption as though it will be a fact?

 

If you are so concerned for your childrens' well-being and want to shield them from any/all possible trauma, you had best move them to a monastery AND divorce your wife.

 

What about your kids finding out how you have brow-beaten and berated their mother at the hands of their father?

[MidwestUSA]

Can't believe this thread has reached 15 pages!

 

Please consider the advice above, or pack your wife up and move to a deserted island with no means of communications whatever. Maybe in time you will forget about her number of partners. Or you can grow-up and enjoy the sexual experience she brings to your marriage..

 

Journals or not, he's never going to forget her number, that's the problem.

 

And if he moves to a deserted island, it should be without his wife. I think she's been subjected to enough already.

[jh21]

Exactly the mentality I'm talking about. She didn't "reach out to a dude she banged", she searched for an ex on Facebook. So have I, so has my wife and I'd wager so have most of Facebook's 1.2 billion users. What exactly are we guilty of?

 

jh21, I've hung in through both your threads and still don't understand this - today, what do you want your wife to do? I'd guess Step 1 would be tossing the journals. Perhaps you can elaborate as to Step 2 and beyond...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She searched him out but he didn't have a FB profile. Who knows if she would have contacted him if he did.

[jh21]

But you can take steps to fix those things, people can make time for each other. So I can get why he'd be upset that he finds she was doing all those things, but can't make time for her husband. Kids or no kids, people need to plan this stuff and make time for each other, otherwise they aren't partners anymore..they are nothing but parents.

 

Anyways, that is the least of his problems. The main issue is she knows the journals bother him and has failed to get rid of them. That tells us all we need to know. She doesn't need to get rid of the stuff about her grandmother. People kept saying "oh she probably just forgot about the journals" and that might of been true until the OP pointed them out to her several times. He also said they have been together for 10 years and a few years ago she tried to reach out to a dude she banged.

 

The wife has deceived him, ignored his asking her to get rid of journals about her escapades with other men(which have apparently a LOT of pages), and apparently reached out to one of her bang buddies a few years ago. These are facts. You say don't let people push him into doing something rash, and that is fine, but also don't push him into thinking he is overreacting to this. You see one extreme is no better then the other.

 

I like how I'm the bad guy in here for trying to communicate those exact issues with her and get them out in the open.

 

Oh well, time to do some soul searching and fiqure this out.

[Horton]

Good gravy people, the OP didn't beat her and lock her up in a cage, he just asked her to throw away some old journals detailing her past depravity. You'd have to live a pretty sheltered life to see that as abusive.

[autumnnight]

Good gravy people, the OP didn't beat her and lock her up in a cage, he just asked her to throw away some old journals detailing her past depravity. You'd have to live a pretty sheltered life to see that as abusive.

 

I agree the journals need to go.

 

It's the collaborative rewiring of history that intrigues me.....

 

Or....maybe she has a "sexual aversion" and needs emotional connection and the prospect of enjoyment.

 

Or is a woman only allowed to have an aversion if she has a spotless past

[d0nnivain]

jh21

 

What outcome do you want here? Do you want a divorce? Do you want to punish your wife? Do you want to have an affair to even the score?

 

We get you are hurt but what's your plan going forward?

 

BTW, have you bothered to talk to your wife about how you are feeling? In an earlier post you said you lied & told her you were "fine" after learning these things about her, when clearly you are not.

[jh21]

jh21

 

What outcome do you want here? Do you want a divorce? Do you want to punish your wife? Do you want to have an affair to even the score?

 

We get you are hurt but what's your plan going forward?

 

BTW, have you bothered to talk to your wife about how you are feeling? In an earlier post you said you lied & told her you were "fine" after learning these things about her, when clearly you are not.

 

I don't know what I want for an outcome. I don't want a divorce. I hate talking about this stuff constantly because it hurts her but I cant get over it. I don't want an affair.

 

My plan is.to somehow get over this and move forward.

 

We talked last night. I said I was upset and disappointed that ahe hasn't got rid of ths journals or pictures yet. I said the counsellor told her to do that 2 months ago and she still hasn't. So she took out the pages of her grandma and burnt them but now it feels worse for me because I was hoping she would do it on her own without me harassing her but she didn't.

 

We talked about how the stuff I read in there hurt. Like the lies about maybe the # of partners and one night stands as well as the STD. She really didn't have much to say about that.

 

We talked about how upset I was that she searched out her ex on Fb and how our rocky start may have something to do with this.

 

We talked about her past and the cheating and why she did some of the stuff she did.

 

It went on for a while. There were ups and downs but Im glad I got it out in the open. I still dont know what will happen from here on out and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her but it had to be said.

[deadelvis]

I think I have a pretty good idea what OP wants;

 

1. He wants his wife to give him some of that crazy sex she was so quick to spread around when she was younger. Shouldn't a loving husband get to have great sex with his wife? If she was really so eager to get freaky with random dudes in the past then she shouldn't have a problem getting down and dirty with her husband. I'd be pissed off too. This is pretty common. The fun promiscuous girl finds her steady provider and won't let him enjoy the same types of things she did with all her casual flings in the past. IMO it's manipulative BS.

 

2. He wants her to let go of the past. He's only stuck on her past (journals etc.) because she's still holding onto it. She should have thrown out those journals or put them in "deep freeze" about ten years ago. She's still creeping on dudes from her past and romanticizing men from her youth. He's not letting it go because she's not letting it go. If their married with children, she needs to put the past behind her. It's only in the past if you bury it and move forward. If you keep holding onto the past it's not "in the past" it's still affecting your lives in the present.

 

3. Honesty. No lies. No BS. Transparency and truth. No secrets. That should be a basic foundation in any marriage.

 

 

I think everyone has really demonized the OP for no good reason.

[jh21]

I think I have a pretty good idea what OP wants;

 

1. He wants his wife to give him some of that crazy sex she was so quick to spread around when she was younger. Shouldn't a loving husband get to have great sex with his wife? If she was really so eager to get freaky with random dudes in the past then she shouldn't have a problem getting down and dirty with her husband. I'd be pissed off too. This is pretty common. The fun promiscuous girl finds her steady provider and won't let him enjoy the same types of things she did with all her casual flings in the past. IMO it's manipulative BS.

 

2. He wants her to let go of the past. He's only stuck on her past (journals etc.) because she's still holding onto it. She should have thrown out those journals or put them in "deep freeze" about ten years ago. She's still creeping on dudes from her past and romanticizing men from her youth. He's not letting it go because she's not letting it go. If their married with children, she needs to put the past behind her. It's only in the past if you bury it and move forward. If you keep holding onto the past it's not "in the past" it's still affecting your lives in the present.

 

3. Honesty. No lies. No BS. Transparency and truth. No secrets. That should be a basic foundation in any marriage.

 

 

I think everyone has really demonized the OP for no good reason.

 

Thats not too much to ask when I have been married for 8 years is it?

 

I just wish she would have got rid of the pics and journals on her own. It was impossible for me to move forward and start trusting if she kept those around. But, she got rid of the journals last night and went through 4 photo albums. It's a start I guess.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I have a pretty good idea what OP wants;

 

1. He wants his wife to give him some of that crazy sex she was so quick to spread around when she was younger.

 

And therein lies the problem. In a long-term marriage, your wife doesn't "give" you crazy sex, it's not a delivery pizza. The necessary openness and vulnerability comes from a platform of mutual respect, consideration, regard and affection.

 

I don't think the plaintiff and defendant roles the OP has imposed on his relationship are steps in that direction...

 

Mr. Lucky

[deadelvis]

And therein lies the problem. In a long-term marriage, your wife doesn't "give" you crazy sex, it's not a delivery pizza. The necessary openness and vulnerability comes from a platform of mutual respect, consideration, regard and affection.

 

I don't think the plaintiff and defendant roles the OP has imposed on his relationship are steps in that direction...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, your wife may not give you sex, but she sure can take it away in a heartbeat.

 

Sure, sex is shared, not given. But if one person wants a fun an exciting sex life, it sure feels like they are not giving you something. And when it's something they readily gave away to others who they were not in love with, it leads to some serious feelings of resentment, insecurity and distrust.

[pteromom]

No way would I destroy my journals for someone else. Those aren't only about past relationships - they are a connection to myself through the years. I can read how I thought at 16, and 20, and 30... they are part of me, and aren't going anywhere.

 

You shouldn't have read them.

 

As far as all the stuff about being ok with some random guy coming in her, but wanting you to wear a condom... As we grow up, we become more assertive about who we are and what we want. When we are in our teens and twenties, we foolishly believe that we have to put on some kind of act to make men like us, and that if we don't do what they want us to do, they will leave (not realizing that leaving would be the best thing for us!)

 

But now, your wife is in a relationship where she can be upfront about who she is and what she likes and doesn't like. She's not a fan of the mess. So maybe there is another option - pulling out; shower sex; BJs; whatever.

 

Oh and - yes, lying about having had an STD was wrong. But depending on when you had that conversation, I can see how it would be very embarrassing.

 

For the sake of your marriage, you need to learn to let all this go. You definitely need some professional help to get over this. You are punishing your wife for choices she made many many years ago, and that makes no sense.

[pteromom]

In a long-term marriage, your wife doesn't "give" you crazy sex, it's not a delivery pizza. The necessary openness and vulnerability comes from a platform of mutual respect, consideration, regard and affection.

 

This is the best post ever - totally true. <3

[d0nnivain]

I don't know what I want for an outcome. I don't want a divorce. I hate talking about this stuff constantly because it hurts her but I cant get over it. I don't want an affair.

 

My plan is.to somehow get over this and move forward.

 

We talked last night. I said I was upset and disappointed that ahe hasn't got rid of ths journals or pictures yet. I said the counsellor told her to do that 2 months ago and she still hasn't. So she took out the pages of her grandma and burnt them but now it feels worse for me because I was hoping she would do it on her own without me harassing her but she didn't.

 

We talked about how the stuff I read in there hurt. Like the lies about maybe the # of partners and one night stands as well as the STD. She really didn't have much to say about that.

 

We talked about how upset I was that she searched out her ex on Fb and how our rocky start may have something to do with this.

 

We talked about her past and the cheating and why she did some of the stuff she did.

 

It went on for a while. There were ups and downs but Im glad I got it out in the open. I still dont know what will happen from here on out and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her but it had to be said.

 

 

Good. I'm glad to hear all of that! In all of this mess I honestly think that that talk you had was a great step toward trying to find your way through this together. It should be a surmountable problem, even if it's not an easy fix.

[Spectre]

I love how the wife lies to him about her past, about STD's, etc. and the guy is the bad one. It's "oh the poor wife" and all that. Yes, poor her..having to get rid of journals talking about her many many many sexual escapades. Poor her having to be HONEST with her hubby. Poor her having a husband who expects honesty from his wife.

 

I also love how not wanting a wife who was the town bike(giving everyone a ride) means you want a virgin who is as pure as the driven snow. I also love how getting rid of journals about you sleeping with other men that you know are hurting your husband..is a thing some posters feel she shouldn't do. I don't care if they are a connection to the past, it's time to think about the present. Plus you always hear people spouting stuff about "past is the past" whenever a man has a problem with a womans past. So okay, past is the past, she doesn't need to keep around reminders of her past one night stands and her cheating.

 

Can't have it both ways, either the past is the past or it isn't. If it is she doesn't need to keep journals about other men around. If there is ever going to be a time in the future where she wants to go back and re-read entries about cheating and ONS's there is a big big issue.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Spectre