Upset about my wifes past

[Mrs. John Adams]

Many years ago....as a young teenage girl...I kept a journal. I told all about my feelings...and i disclosed that i had sex with my boyfriend. Little did I know....my mother read my journals.

 

She confronted me about my journals....and it changed my life.

 

that boy was mr. Adams....and at age 17 and 19...we married. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

 

I burned those journals.....and every letter he wrote to me while he was away from me in the military.

 

There are times...I wish i had them back...to relive those moments again....however

 

it is probably better that they are destroyed....

 

I understand that this wife did not disclose information maybe she should have...but I also understand...she never meant for anyone else to ever read what she had written.

 

My mother...had no right to read my journals....they were not meant for her....and while i understand i broke her heart because i had sex with my boyfriend...she should never have read my journals in the first place.

 

Was I wrong to write the journals? was I wrong to keep them? or was my mother wrong to have read them?

 

Too late now for my mom...and too late for the op of this thread....

 

 

Is his wife "guilty" for writing the journals...never imagining that he would read them? or is he wrong in reading her private journals?

 

The right answer depends on who you are.

[autumnnight]

Is his wife "guilty" for writing the journals...never imagining that he would read them? or is he wrong in reading her private journals?

 

The right answer depends on who you are.

 

Wow. This is so insightful.

 

And the answer, to me, is representative of the two types of men. One type, while understandably upset about a journal's content, will agree that perhaps reading them was not best. The other will maintain it is all his business and that it absolutely SHOULD change the way he should feel about his wife of decades.

 

I do know, for me, which one I would rather be married to.

Edited October 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed non-topical reference to other LS participants. ~V

[Mrs. John Adams]

The problem is this...now that he has read them...he cannot UNREAD them.

Now he has to determine if the content is more than his Psyche can bear...

 

If he cannot look favorably upon his wife...if he cannot disassociate her past from her present....then he has no choice but to let her go.

 

It's a shame really......i truly believe what happened before their relationship should be irrelevant....but i am not walking in his shoes.

[TheGuard13]

You're one of several people that have inferred or outright accused the OP of invading his wife's privacy. This mindset is so foreign to me that I'm not even sure how to respond to it. Why would a married person need or even want to have secret parts of their life that are 'off limits' to their own spouse? If you want to live two separate lives then why bother getting married in the first place? Marriage is supposed to be a 'one flesh' union, not just some financial partnership/roommates scenario.

 

I agree with this. Reading journals that were lying around is not invading privacy. Sharing passwords is not invading privacy. Sharing phones is not invading privacy. Privacy means I don't bug you when you're on the potty. It doesn't mean you get to keep pieces of your life hidden from me.

 

STDs and lying notwithstanding...

 

Two individuals, even married and "one flesh", are still two individuals, and should be able to pursue individual lives, and yes, have some private thoughts and experiences if they so choose. Pretty much any counselor will tell you the same. As long as the secrets and private things aren't destructive to the other person, and an argument can absolutely be made about her lying and hiding the STD thing (assuming she knew the specifics of it and that she still had it, etc, lots of people are clueless about these)...it's healthy.

 

There's a world of difference between opening sharing of passwords and phones, and intruding into someone's private diaries or journals because they were lying around.

 

The idea that people cannot have private thoughts and experiences just because they're married and "have to share" is a bit much.

 

And the suggestion that he has the right to read someone's private thoughts and continue reading them because they were lying around is asinine.

 

The more I think about it, while I do feel for him, the more I feel it was incredibly rude and stupid of him to read those journals and to keep reading them once he realized their content.

Edited October 3, 2015 by TheGuard13

[ShatteredLady]

After my world fell apart on New Years Day I found that writing my own journal of sorts was incredibly therapeutic. I vented my pain & anguish. Confessed my deepest darkest thoughts to myself & analyzed them. I'm ashamed to say these included 'final solution' type ramblings. I was in such a desperate state that ANYTHING to stop the pain was a viable option at the time.

 

I've since discovered that my H was reading every word I wrote at the time. The obvious depths of my pain had zero effect on his behavior. The betrayal & invasion of my privacy is actually LESS painful than the fact that he appeared unmoved by the mother of his children contemplating suicide AND wasn't driven to stop or disclose his A, even though it was clear that so much of my emotional distress was caused by NOT KNOWING what was going on in my life & blaming myself for EVERYTHING bad in the world!!

 

Yet I know that he would of been heart broken if I'd been writing about my feelings & actions in past relationships or fantasies about new men....

 

I don't write anymore even though it did help. I'm sure that writing here is a bad idea but I need the connection so desperately.

 

If a person hasn't done anything wrong shouldn't they be allowed their privacy or should everything in marriage be an open book? Sometimes thoughts just swirling around in my head are toxic. Getting them out helps.

 

Before this nightmare I would of been happy (even proud of my M) sharing everything & anything but once you feel judged & betrayed its a painful vulnerability...

 

I guess for me it's the lack of compassion & judgements rather than the invasion of privacy that hurts.

[Mr1oyalty]

While I somewhat agree about private thoughts as many say, written words are not exactly private thoughts to the same degree. Especially of a sexual nature. A man could have a private thought or memory of making love to a women before he met his wife, but a private video or diaries of it is a bit different. Who knows if she was aware she had them but her reluctance to toss them says something as well. Also no one here seems to have a diary quite like what the OP described. Its a bit much, imagine a father with that kind of diary laying around, oh "then I dumped into her mouth"? Come on now, enough is enough lol. Talking about how he slept with different guys girlfriends and lying etc. Its quite different from the scenarios many are citing. I just don't see any justification for it.

 

 

Whether it was initially wrong of him to read them depends on his relationship with his wife. I think if anyone has said he had a right to read them (I don't think anyone has) they may be referring to there own relationship. The amount of sharing between couples is as different as the individuals that make up the relationships. Some couples know much of what their spouse will and wont reveal in IC. Every couple is different as each individual is different.

 

Also not all men want to know the past of their W for purposes of a purity check lol. For those who must have a story book romance with unicorns everywhere, yeah the past is not good to look into because the purity check might turn into a reality check real fast. However for some its different, some like to see their spouses scars, ugly parts and wounds to understand the story behind the person they love. Others will want to see wounds to reopen them sadly. The OP has a chance at understanding his wife more then he ever would if he so chooses to see her entire journey into the person she has become. He can let the entire film play through his head and understand the entire film in its glory which maybe a thing of beauty or he can rewind the worst parts over and oover (retro mind movies). In other words he can now see the big picture if he so chooses and understand his wife and her journey as a person in ways he could not before. He really has a chance at lemonade though it will take work from both sides.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When my son was 18 years old...I was cleaning his room. There was a vcr tape that was unlabeled. I am OCD.....and everything is in it's place in my home. I plugged the tape into his vcr to see what it was so i could put it in the right case.

 

It was a video of my son having sex with his girlfriend.

 

First I screamed...then i fell to the floor and turned it off. I called my husband and asked him what should i do?

 

He said put the tape back where you found it and leave it alone.

 

that night we sat our son down and talked to him...and told him to destroy the tape. It was never mentioned again. I have no idea if he destroyed it or not.

 

Was i wrong to look at the tape? It was truly an accident.....what if my son did not destroy the tape? what if his wife found the tape years later?...he did not marry the girlfriend.

 

Would he then be responsible to explain every detail of that tape to her? and does she have the right to hold it against him?

[CarrieT]

I could do absolutely everything and she still wouldn't have the sex drive she used to.

I think I said this ten or fifteen pages ago but...

 

Every person's libido changes! Why do you expect someone to have the same sexual urges now that they did one year, five years, or ten years ago?

 

I am now in my early 50s.

- In my 20s, I wanted it every two weeks or so.

- In my 30s, I wanted it every six months or so.

- In my 40s, I wanted three and four times a day!

- Now I am happy with it every three or four days.

 

Don't you see that this is not about her journals at all, but some longing for an ephemeral person that has not existed for years?

[autumnnight]

I lived at home during my undergraduate studies, but I went off for my first graduate degree. My mother and I were working in my room and closet, deciding what to take with me, what to box, what to toss (she was going to redo my room).

 

We happened upon some of my old high school binders. She opened them up and found some old assignments, a couple or so of which I failed or made poor grades on. I should point out that I still graduated with an honors diploma and didn't have to pay a dime in college tuition.

 

Our day devolved into lectures about my irresponsibility, my deceit in never showing her the assignments, her disappointment with me, her concern that I would flunk out of grad school "if this is how seriously I take my work." I was 15-17 when I made those grades, and I was 22 when i went to grad school.

 

It didn't matter that they hadn't paid a dime for college. It didn't matter that I graduate Cum Laude and had secured a full graduate assistantship for my Masters. All that mattered was I "embarrassed her" by doing poorly on some high school assignments and "deceived her" by not showing them to her at the time.

 

Sometimes it is prudent to have some perspective about the past.

[Mr1oyalty]

Was i wrong to look at the tape? It was truly an accident.....what if my son did not destroy the tape? what if his wife found the tape years later?...he did not marry the girlfriend.

 

Would he then be responsible to explain every detail of that tape to her? and does she have the right to hold it against him?

 

It was your house so it could have been wrong depending on your rules in your house. At 15 I had a hidden safe with drugs and money in it . Was not my stuff but my dad broke in , I was unaware of his criminal past before I was born at that time . I checked the safe and it was empty, he didn't say anything until a few days past but I knew the rules in that house. Same, you know your relationship and your household.

 

If your son didn't destroy the tape and his wife or daughter found it yes that would be on HIM.

 

The rest will depend on the relationship between him and his wife. Does she have the right to hold what against him? Not the fact that he slept with the woman, but yes she would have the right to hold him responsible for keeping it around if it hurt or her daughter or whoever discovered it and was bothered by it. Because he made the first irresponsible move. Now if it said mark and jane sex tape and the wife looked still she will have added to her own hurt along with his part like the OP. The wife might ask about the woman on the tape or who she was. It depends on their relationship. He would look silly to start crying about privacy in such a case though.

[Horton]

STDs and lying notwithstanding...

 

Yes, let's just gloss right over those little trivialities and get to the heart of the matter here... A husband reading his wife's old journals.

 

Two individuals, even married and "one flesh", are still two individuals, and should be able to pursue individual lives, and yes, have some private thoughts and experiences if they so choose.

 

Nobody said married people can't have their own private thoughts or experiences/hobbies etc.

 

Pretty much any counselor will tell you the same. As long as the secrets and private things aren't destructive to the other person, and an argument can absolutely be made about her lying and hiding the STD thing (assuming she knew the specifics of it and that she still had it, etc, lots of people are clueless about these)...it's healthy.

 

If the things you keep secret from your spouse aren't destructive, then what's the point in keeping them secret? You're gonna keep positive things that your spouse would be perfectly fine with a secret, why would anybody do that? Outside of planning a surprise party, what kind of non destructive secrets would a person keep from their spouse?

 

There's a world of difference between opening sharing of passwords and phones, and intruding into someone's private diaries or journals because they were lying around.

 

If somebody doesn't want their journals that are filled with explicit details of past sexual encounters to be read, it's probably not very prudent to leave them lying around the house.

 

The idea that people cannot have private thoughts and experiences just because they're married and "have to share" is a bit much.

 

Once again, nobody said that.

 

And the suggestion that he has the right to read someone's private thoughts and continue reading them because they were lying around is asinine.

 

He has the right to read anything he pleases when it's in his own home. If you wanna keep secrets, go get a safety deposit box.

 

The more I think about it, while I do feel for him, the more I feel it was incredibly rude and stupid of him to read those journals and to keep reading them once he realized their content.

 

Yes, your empathy for the OP is emanating right through the monitor. With this and other posters words of comfort it feels like one big group hug on here.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If i found a love letter from my husband to a girl he dated in high school....and i was upset by it...he owes me no explanation....and the problem is mine to handle.

 

How would this scenario be different if this was your second marriage...and you found out things that your spouse did with the first spouse?

 

When does the past stay the past?

 

What i did before i met my husband...( which is nothing....he was the only boy i dated)....become irrelevant to my relationship with him?

 

Let it go.....there are no answers that will ever take it away....and the only thing that can happen is to allow the past to destroy the future.

 

This woman...did nothing against her husband...NOTHING

 

Her past is not on trial.....and he needs to either let it go...or divorce her.

[autumnnight]

A few truths:

 

The OP cannot go back in time and unread the journals. He read them, and that is that.

 

The OP's wife cannot go back and unsleep with the men in her past and unwrite the journals and unsave them.

 

So what we have now is a man pained by details of his wife's wild past, hurt by a pretty significant health-related lie, and disappointed that for some reason she hasn't trashed them.

 

In my mind, the first things that need to happen is that the STD lie has to be put on the table and dealt with. Second, those journals need to go. There is no need to hold onto past sexual exploits for ANY reason once you are married. if you want to remember the era, then watch an 80's movie or go to a vintage store.

 

After that, they both need to decide what they can live with. Can he balance the wife she has been with the past she had? And if not, can she remain in a marriage where what she is is eclipsed by what she was?

[jh21]

A few truths:

 

The OP cannot go back in time and unread the journals. He read them, and that is that.

 

And I take full responsibility but some of it has to be put on her. Why were they still around? But, knowing my wife, she had no idea they were there and I can truly say she never snuck away to read them.

 

The OP's wife cannot go back and unsleep with the men in her past and unwrite the journals and unsave them.

 

I'm not asking her to. I knew about her past before we got married. Well, aside from the STD thing and the number she told me may be a bit low (by 5 or so I think) but that's here nor there. Is there a difference of 15 or 20?

 

So what we have now is a man pained by details of his wife's wild past

 

Yep. But honestly, it's the details that bother me. Stuff that she did with them, most of that stuff we did as an early couple, and the same stuff we don't really do as much anymore. That said, it's hard to have morning sex when my kids come into bed at 7am. Or hard to get a road BJ when there are kids in the carseats. And honestly, since we have been better in our relationship I am happy with our sex life. It's not what it was but it's 10x better than it was when we were in a rough spot.

 

hurt by a pretty significant health-related lie

 

As for the STD, Ya, I mentioned it and she didn't have much to say other than most sexually active people can get HPV and the warts were treated. She was embarrased and I don't know what else there is to say about the subject.

 

and disappointed that for some reason she hasn't trashed them.

 

She got rid of one early one a while ago but one more recent one, right up to her breaking up with her BF of 5 years 3 months before we met was still around. She didn't get rid of it until I told her it was bothering me. It still bugs me that she didn't get rid of it all on here own. But again, knowing her, that was the last thing on her mind.

 

In my mind, the first things that need to happen is that the STD lie has to be put on the table and dealt with. Second, those journals need to go. There is no need to hold onto past sexual exploits for ANY reason once you are married. if you want to remember the era, then watch an 80's movie or go to a vintage store.

 

Done and done but like always, it wasn't really dealt with. Just swept under the rug.

 

After that, they both need to decide what they can live with. Can he balance the wife she has been with the past she had? And if not, can she remain in a marriage where what she is is eclipsed by what she was?

 

It's a work in progress. Reading alot of your guys responses in her have really helped. I want to thank you all for the feedback.

[Horton]

A few truths:

 

The OP cannot go back in time and unread the journals. He read them, and that is that.

 

The OP's wife cannot go back and unsleep with the men in her past and unwrite the journals and unsave them.

 

So what we have now is a man pained by details of his wife's wild past, hurt by a pretty significant health-related lie, and disappointed that for some reason she hasn't trashed them.

 

In my mind, the first things that need to happen is that the STD lie has to be put on the table and dealt with. Second, those journals need to go. There is no need to hold onto past sexual exploits for ANY reason once you are married. if you want to remember the era, then watch an 80's movie or go to a vintage store.

 

After that, they both need to decide what they can live with. Can he balance the wife she has been with the past she had? And if not, can she remain in a marriage where what she is is eclipsed by what she was?

 

I agree with you(except for the divorce aspect), but I would also add that this ex fling of hers appears to be a huge sore spot for the OP. Now this could be a case of irrational jealousy over an ex as many would no doubt claim, but I don't think that applies here given what we know. When OP was casually dating her she temporarily went back to this ex and even after they were married she got caught searching him out on facebook. Now please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that she's having an affair(I don't believe she is at all) but I'm genuinely taken aback at so many posters, especially those who spend time on the infidelity sub forum, either having a blind spot to this aspect of his situation or those who just outright dismiss it as if it were irrelevant to why he's frustrated.

 

I believe you said something in another post(and I'm paraphrasing) about how the OP seems to have changed from when he first got here, something about how he went from sounding like he just wanted to move past this to now he sounds like he's just looking for a reason to be upset or suspicious towards her. I think there is truth to that but I don't think it's a case of him being irrationally jealous but rather a case of the OP finally starting to admit to himself just how much her holding on to this ex fling of hers in whatever fashion she can bothers him. I don't believe it's so much the journals, but what the journals represent(just like the search on facebook) it's her apparent refusal to permanently cut this other guy(or any other guys) completely out of her life. If I were walking in the OP's shoes I believe her actions would cause me to wonder if I was her backup plan and maybe that's how he's feeling now. Of course I could be wrong, perhaps I'm reading in between the lines a little too much(I've been guilty of that before), but this is the impression I get from his posts both on this thread and his other one.

 

Personally I don't think there's any cause for a divorce here or allowing this to hurt their marriage any further than it already has, but the best way IMO to handle this is not for the OP to either drop it or get a divorce as people are advising him to do, but rather for the OP to tell his wife in the gentlest way possible to get off her butt and meet him half way. If she can't even be bothered to get rid of some musty old journals for her husbands peace of mind then what message does that send him? As I said before, I'm not even sure that her keeping the journals in the first place was a way of holding on to her past or reliving her sexual passions. Depending on where the journals were kept I could absolutely believe that she just plain forgot about them years ago and that she had no malicious intent by keeping them.

 

Edit: OP revealed his wife has now gotten rid of all the journals so last paragraph deleted due to no longer relevant.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Horton

[jh21]

I agree with you(except for the divorce aspect), but I would also add that this ex fling of hers appears to be a huge sore spot for the OP. Now this could be a case of irrational jealousy over an ex as many would no doubt claim, but I don't think that applies here given what we know. When OP was casually dating her she temporarily went back to this ex and even after they were married she got caught searching him out on facebook. Now please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that she's having an affair(I don't believe she is at all) but I'm genuinely taken aback at so many posters, especially those who spend time on the infidelity sub forum, either having a blind spot to this aspect of his situation or those who just outright dismiss it as if it were irrelevant to why he's frustrated.

 

Yes, you are right. This has always been an issue for me and I honestly don't think I have ever gotten over it. Yes, we were only casually dating but maybe I thought we were a bit more serious, even though I never said anything, than she did. Maybe that is why it felt like she cheated on me when she really didn't because we had not started an exclusive relationship. Which is something I also tell myself to feel better because I didn't think it needed to be said at the time. Especially if you are sleeping with someone.

 

I remember talking with her about the weekend just after I brought up me reading the journals. I guess that triggered the memory back. A few things that have always bothered me about that weekend:

 

She said that she remembers me texting her that weekend and he would ask "is that him". If she cared anything about me at the time then why would she still sleep with the guy especially when I was texting her all weekend?

 

She said she felt terrible for what she did yet she slept with him twice. Im assuming once Sat. night when she was drunk, because friday she was doing stuff with the bridal party, and once Sunday before she was leaving. So she felt so terrible about it yet she did it twice?? I recently asked her about what happened and she said she forgot she even did it twice. I asked her if they used protection and she said yes although I question that.

 

I asked if she knew she was going to sleep with him because of their long history and she said no. But then she just recently said that she was going to move there to be with him after her schooling was over. So which was it? I remember talking about if I should go to that wedding and I can't remember exactly why I didn't but Im sure she didn't want me there because she knew he was going to be there. So why not just tell me? Was I indeed a backup plan?

 

Then, after she told me about it she said she just knew that she couldn't be with him? Was it my reaction to her telling me? I really didn't say anything when she told me and she just left. Did she just have to get that out of her system with him and then realized after that she wanted to be with me? I just don't understand how she could go from sleeping with me almost every night, to going to a weekend wedding and sleeping with him, then coming back and immediately regretting it after she had plans to move there. I have always been confused.

 

And the worst part was that wedding was on June 25th and my birthday is June 24th. I actually forgot the date but when we talked about it a few months ago, she said the date which really sucks for me. So on my birthday weekend she was off banging some other dude. That is the worst bit. There goes my happy birthdays from now on.

 

I believe you said something in another post(and I'm paraphrasing) about how the OP seems to have changed from when he first got here, something about how he went from sounding like he just wanted to move past this to now he sounds like he's just looking for a reason to be upset or suspicious towards her. I think there is truth to that but I don't think it's a case of him being irrationally jealous but rather a case of the OP finally starting to admit to himself just how much her holding on to this ex fling of hers in whatever fashion she can bothers him. I don't believe it's so much the journals, but what the journals represent(just like the search on facebook) it's her apparent refusal to permanently cut this other guy(or any other guys) completely out of her life. If I were walking in the OP's shoes I believe her actions would cause me to wonder if I was her backup plan and maybe that's how he's feeling now. Of course I could be wrong, perhaps I'm reading in between the lines a little too much(I've been guilty of that before), but this is the impression I get from his posts both on this thread and his other one.

 

Yes, this is true. I remember 10 years ago being paranoid about if she was talking to him. Up to the point of putting a keystroke logger on our comp. so I could get her password for her email which I snooped. I never did check her phone back then and I still wonder if she was talking with him. Although she recently said that he was trying to text her right after that weekend and she finally called him and told him not too. Which is another thing I can't understand. We took a week break after that weekend in which she was so devastated but she never bothered to call him to tell him not to talk to her until after me and her got back together?

 

Anyways....it got a bit easier. Life got busy. Kids came. I kind-of forgot about it but would still sometimes check the comp. history. All those years of checking and there was nothing. Then that's when I found that she looked for him on Facebook in 2013. She said she never tried to contact him and I don't even know if she found his facebook page. But, I exploded. It was like 8 years of me wondering when she was going to look for him all came true. I have been waiting for her to contact him in anyway and I told her that. I said I always knew she would look for him.

 

We went to counselling because I was going to leave. I even called my realtor to start looking for houses for me. The counselling didn't do much. She just cried and I was furious. And here we are today talking about the journals I read 4 months ago.

 

Since 2013 I have been checking her FB, phone and email. I was/am a paranoid mess. Then I decided I can't live like this anymore and started to work on my marriage but then I found those journals which made me go back and forth. I have stopped checking her phone and FB but that makes it worse because I'm still paranoid she is going to look for him again. It's like breaking a 10 year habit of me checking on her to see if she is talking to him.

 

I think part of me wants out. I think now I wish I could go back in time and never talk to her again after that monday when she told me about the weekend but instead, after that week off, I called her up. I remember telling her if she ever contacted him again I would be gone. Then in 2013 she looked him up, and even though she acted innocent saying she was just creeping him, I know her history well enough with him to question that. I feel I betrayed myself for not leaving. The journals, the pics. They were all still around and it killed me. It helped a little bit now that the journals are gone and she is going through photo albums but I don't know if that will do anything.

 

I have always been a bit wary of my trust since the beginning but now after her searching him 2 years ago I don't trust her one bit. Sometimes I feel miserable that I decided to get back together with her 10 years ago after that weekend because of the pain I have been in for this long because of that weekend. I wonder why has it had to be so difficult for me? I broke up with a great GF of 2 years who I never doubted for 1 second and who only had two boyfriends before me for (this is going to sound bad) for my wife who slept with someone else when we were casually dating, had an STD and didn't tell me, slept with who knows how many men and cheated on every single one of them.

 

I feel like I should leave. I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't think I can trust her anymore even if she tells me a thousand times I have nothing to worry about. I have told her more than once maybe nothing would happen now but what happens when you are out with your friends drunk and just by chance he shows up? What then? I don't have a doubt in my mind what would happen.

 

Is this any way to live? I'm basically hanging around because I love my kids and all the stuff we have together but Im not sure I love her and I seem to resent her more and more. Not for her past, but for her sleeping with that dude on that weekend then her looking him and up me being a p*ssy and not doing a thing about it.

 

Anyways. Rant over.

[road]

Yes, you are right. This has always been an issue for me and I honestly don't think I have ever gotten over it. Yes, we were only casually dating but maybe I thought we were a bit more serious, even though I never said anything, than she did. Maybe that is why it felt like she cheated on me when she really didn't because we had not started an exclusive relationship. Which is something I also tell myself to feel better because I didn't think it needed to be said at the time. Especially if you are sleeping with someone.

 

I remember talking with her about the weekend just after I brought up me reading the journals. I guess that triggered the memory back. A few things that have always bothered me about that weekend:

 

She said that she remembers me texting her that weekend and he would ask "is that him". If she cared anything about me at the time then why would she still sleep with the guy especially when I was texting her all weekend?

 

She said she felt terrible for what she did yet she slept with him twice. Im assuming once Sat. night when she was drunk, because friday she was doing stuff with the bridal party, and once Sunday before she was leaving. So she felt so terrible about it yet she did it twice?? I recently asked her about what happened and she said she forgot she even did it twice. I asked her if they used protection and she said yes although I question that.

 

I asked if she knew she was going to sleep with him because of their long history and she said no. But then she just recently said that she was going to move there to be with him after her schooling was over. So which was it? I remember talking about if I should go to that wedding and I can't remember exactly why I didn't but Im sure she didn't want me there because she knew he was going to be there. So why not just tell me? Was I indeed a backup plan?

 

Then, after she told me about it she said she just knew that she couldn't be with him? Was it my reaction to her telling me? I really didn't say anything when she told me and she just left. Did she just have to get that out of her system with him and then realized after that she wanted to be with me? I just don't understand how she could go from sleeping with me almost every night, to going to a weekend wedding and sleeping with him, then coming back and immediately regretting it after she had plans to move there. I have always been confused.

 

And the worst part was that wedding was on June 25th and my birthday is June 24th. I actually forgot the date but when we talked about it a few months ago, she said the date which really sucks for me. So on my birthday weekend she was off banging some other dude. That is the worst bit. There goes my happy birthdays from now on.

 

 

 

Yes, this is true. I remember 10 years ago being paranoid about if she was talking to him. Up to the point of putting a keystroke logger on our comp. so I could get her password for her email which I snooped. I never did check her phone back then and I still wonder if she was talking with him. Although she recently said that he was trying to text her right after that weekend and she finally called him and told him not too. Which is another thing I can't understand. We took a week break after that weekend in which she was so devastated but she never bothered to call him to tell him not to talk to her until after me and her got back together?

 

Anyways....it got a bit easier. Life got busy. Kids came. I kind-of forgot about it but would still sometimes check the comp. history. All those years of checking and there was nothing. Then that's when I found that she looked for him on Facebook in 2013. She said she never tried to contact him and I don't even know if she found his facebook page. But, I exploded. It was like 8 years of me wondering when she was going to look for him all came true. I have been waiting for her to contact him in anyway and I told her that. I said I always knew she would look for him.

 

We went to counselling because I was going to leave. I even called my realtor to start looking for houses for me. The counselling didn't do much. She just cried and I was furious. And here we are today talking about the journals I read 4 months ago.

 

Since 2013 I have been checking her FB, phone and email. I was/am a paranoid mess. Then I decided I can't live like this anymore and started to work on my marriage but then I found those journals which made me go back and forth. I have stopped checking her phone and FB but that makes it worse because I'm still paranoid she is going to look for him again. It's like breaking a 10 year habit of me checking on her to see if she is talking to him.

 

I think part of me wants out. I think now I wish I could go back in time and never talk to her again after that monday when she told me about the weekend but instead, after that week off, I called her up. I remember telling her if she ever contacted him again I would be gone. Then in 2013 she looked him up, and even though she acted innocent saying she was just creeping him, I know her history well enough with him to question that. I feel I betrayed myself for not leaving. The journals, the pics. They were all still around and it killed me. It helped a little bit now that the journals are gone and she is going through photo albums but I don't know if that will do anything.

 

I have always been a bit wary of my trust since the beginning but now after her searching him 2 years ago I don't trust her one bit. Sometimes I feel miserable that I decided to get back together with her 10 years ago after that weekend because of the pain I have been in for this long because of that weekend. I wonder why has it had to be so difficult for me? I broke up with a great GF of 2 years who I never doubted for 1 second and who only had two boyfriends before me for (this is going to sound bad) for my wife who slept with someone else when we were casually dating, had an STD and didn't tell me, slept with who knows how many men and cheated on every single one of them.

 

I feel like I should leave. I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't think I can trust her anymore even if she tells me a thousand times I have nothing to worry about. I have told her more than once maybe nothing would happen now but what happens when you are out with your friends drunk and just by chance he shows up? What then? I don't have a doubt in my mind what would happen.

 

Is this any way to live? I'm basically hanging around because I love my kids and all the stuff we have together but Im not sure I love her and I seem to resent her more and more. Not for her past, but for her sleeping with that dude on that weekend then her looking him and up me being a p*ssy and not doing a thing about it.

 

Anyways. Rant over.

 

 

 

 

This should of been your first post.

 

Do you now have all of your questions answered?

 

Do you believe that you were told the whole truth or is your wife holding back info?

 

At this point knowing that all your questions have been answered. Talking about the past will not be of any more help so that needs to end.

 

You and your wife need to take steps to repair the trust that was broken between you two.

 

You need to verify NC is in place as the first step in repairing the trust. Monitor phone and all electronic and internet means of communication.

 

All mementos of the past must be thrown out if that has not been already done so. The past can be recovered from if the right steps are taken.

[CarrieT]

I feel like I should leave. I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't think I can trust her anymore even if she tells me a thousand times I have nothing to worry about. I have told her more than once maybe nothing would happen now but what happens when you are out with your friends drunk and just by chance he shows up? What then? I don't have a doubt in my mind what would happen.

Here is a big issue. Does she know you are going through these thoughts?

 

I'm basically hanging around because I love my kids and all the stuff we have together but Im not sure I love her and I seem to resent her more and more.

You two need to get into counseling ASAP and let her know this.

 

There will be no way for your marriage to continue with you shouldering this resentment. You will grow to HATE your wife and that is not fair to her or your kids as they will see it.

 

If you truly don't love your wife and can't see growing old with her, than start the process of divorce now. For everyone's sake.

[jh21]

This should of been your first post.

 

Maybe so but I did start another thread about the topic. Which lead me to starting this one.

 

Do you now have all of your questions answered?

 

Not really. Honestly, what we did wrong was we never sat down when it happened and hashed things out. We talked about it a little bit but time after time something would trigger me and I would bring it up again asking a new question. I have never really been able to let it go.

 

Do you believe that you were told the whole truth or is your wife holding back info? At this point knowing that all your questions have been answered. Talking about the past will not be of any more help so that needs to end.

 

Sort of. I kind-of forgot about what we talked about 10 years ago. 10 years ago I wanted to know if he was 'better'. Of course she said no. What is she supposed to say. I wanted to know if they used protection. She said yes. I have my doubts. I told here she can NEVER contact him again. And that was the majority of what was said. Once a few years ago I asked her how many times they did it she said twice. I was digging for answers because I couldn't understand how she could have felt so sick about it and yet she did it twice over that weekend. I still don't get it.

 

Then a few months ago after I read those journals, I brought it up again. I asked what the date was and it was June 25th (which I forgot about) which is one day after my birthday which will suck forever now. I asked if he was her date to the wedding and she said No but she knew he was going to be there.

 

I asked her if she stayed at his house and she said she did on Saturday but at Friday was at the hotel with the wedding party crew. All I have now are these mental images of her leaving the wedding with him and going to his house and tearing each others clothes off while I was text messaging her on my F'n birthday. Awesome.

 

She also said that she was going to move there which is something I didn't know.

 

Then I asked her why she felt so sick after the fact. She said because she fell in love with me. But a day after she just screwed this guy? I don't get it. She said she knew she couldn't be with him and that he kept trying to call/text here and finally she called him to end it. I don't know when that was or hong long she kept him on line when we got back together. She said "he needed to get over himself" So Im assuming the conversation didn't go over to well.

 

So anyways, there are lots of questions I still have but you are right. Talking about it makes it worse because then some new nugget of info pops up. 10 years and Im still messed up from this and when she looked him up in 2013 it brought it all back. Again, I always knew she would look for him. 8 years of me spying on her and she finally did it. It hasn't been healthy.

 

You and your wife need to take steps to repair the trust that was broken between you two.

 

You need to verify NC is in place as the first step in repairing the trust. Monitor phone and all electronic and internet means of communication.

 

But this is what I don't want to do. If I am to trust her I can't go spying on her. But by me stopping that, it's like quitting smoking. I would get a thought in my head and check her FB or her phone and there would be nothing so I would be good for a bit. Now I have stopped doing that and it doesn't seem to be helping.

 

All mementos of the past must be thrown out if that has not been already done so. The past can be recovered from if the right steps are taken.

 

The journals are gone and she is working on the photo albums. Although I have this feeling that when she gets to the pics of him when they first met she will stash them away. That's how bad it is in my head.

 

It reminds me once of when we were first dating and just moved in together. She had a photo album of before we met and it continued on to when we got back together. There was a pic of her and him, in her bridesmaid dress, at that wedding right before pics of me and her. I lost my mind. I still have no idea what she was thinking keeping that pic. Still to this day that album is still here but there is a blank spot where that pic used to be.

 

I just think I have had enough and there is nothing that can be said to me anymore. Im sick of worrying about her thinking about him and Im sick of thinking I should have never called her up and got back together after that weekend. I seriously want a do-over. But, I feel sick leaving my kids and becoming a weekend dad. It's a horrible situation to be in being torn back and forth.

[jh21]

Here is a big issue. Does she know you are going through these thoughts?

 

Yes. I have told her I don't trust her especially when she drinks. I have told her what I think if she ever ran into him. There isn't much to be said about that.

 

You two need to get into counseling ASAP and let her know this.

 

I'm not sure it will help because in order for us to move forward, I have to let go of the past. And ever since 2013 I have been slowly getting worse and worse. Reading those journals was the tipping point but it happened right at the same time as I started to work on our marriage.

 

There will be no way for your marriage to continue with you shouldering this resentment. You will grow to HATE your wife and that is not fair to her or your kids as they will see it.

 

I do find myself resenting her not for what she is now but for what she did. I even told her once when I spout things out that I am disappointed sometimes that we got back together or that I didn't leave in 2013 when she looked him up. I said Im disappointed that it hasn't been easier for me for 10 years and 'why me' kind of bit. Or that the past 10 years have been a waste. I said I broke up with my GF who only had 2 partners and there wasn't a shred of doubt with her and kindof compared her to my wife and what I am going through.

 

If you truly don't love your wife and can't see growing old with her, than start the process of divorce now. For everyone's sake.

 

I know. I go back and forth. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. But, I think I don't want to give up our lifestyle or start over again. I am good for a month or so then something happens and I say a bunch of crap I shouldn't say like the stuff above then I feel like an ass for making her feel bad.

[Poutrew]

Yes, you are right. This has always been an issue for me and I honestly don't think I have ever gotten over it. Yes, we were only casually dating but maybe I thought we were a bit more serious, even though I never said anything, than she did. Maybe that is why it felt like she cheated on me when she really didn't because we had not started an exclusive relationship. Which is something I also tell myself to feel better because I didn't think it needed to be said at the time. Especially if you are sleeping with someone.

 

I remember talking with her about the weekend just after I brought up me reading the journals. I guess that triggered the memory back. A few things that have always bothered me about that weekend:

 

She said that she remembers me texting her that weekend and he would ask "is that him". If she cared anything about me at the time then why would she still sleep with the guy especially when I was texting her all weekend?

 

She said she felt terrible for what she did yet she slept with him twice. Im assuming once Sat. night when she was drunk, because friday she was doing stuff with the bridal party, and once Sunday before she was leaving. So she felt so terrible about it yet she did it twice?? I recently asked her about what happened and she said she forgot she even did it twice. I asked her if they used protection and she said yes although I question that.

 

I asked if she knew she was going to sleep with him because of their long history and she said no. But then she just recently said that she was going to move there to be with him after her schooling was over. So which was it? I remember talking about if I should go to that wedding and I can't remember exactly why I didn't but Im sure she didn't want me there because she knew he was going to be there. So why not just tell me? Was I indeed a backup plan?

 

Then, after she told me about it she said she just knew that she couldn't be with him? Was it my reaction to her telling me? I really didn't say anything when she told me and she just left. Did she just have to get that out of her system with him and then realized after that she wanted to be with me? I just don't understand how she could go from sleeping with me almost every night, to going to a weekend wedding and sleeping with him, then coming back and immediately regretting it after she had plans to move there. I have always been confused.

 

And the worst part was that wedding was on June 25th and my birthday is June 24th. I actually forgot the date but when we talked about it a few months ago, she said the date which really sucks for me. So on my birthday weekend she was off banging some other dude. That is the worst bit. There goes my happy birthdays from now on.

 

 

 

Yes, this is true. I remember 10 years ago being paranoid about if she was talking to him. Up to the point of putting a keystroke logger on our comp. so I could get her password for her email which I snooped. I never did check her phone back then and I still wonder if she was talking with him. Although she recently said that he was trying to text her right after that weekend and she finally called him and told him not too. Which is another thing I can't understand. We took a week break after that weekend in which she was so devastated but she never bothered to call him to tell him not to talk to her until after me and her got back together?

 

Anyways....it got a bit easier. Life got busy. Kids came. I kind-of forgot about it but would still sometimes check the comp. history. All those years of checking and there was nothing. Then that's when I found that she looked for him on Facebook in 2013. She said she never tried to contact him and I don't even know if she found his facebook page. But, I exploded. It was like 8 years of me wondering when she was going to look for him all came true. I have been waiting for her to contact him in anyway and I told her that. I said I always knew she would look for him.

 

We went to counselling because I was going to leave. I even called my realtor to start looking for houses for me. The counselling didn't do much. She just cried and I was furious. And here we are today talking about the journals I read 4 months ago.

 

Since 2013 I have been checking her FB, phone and email. I was/am a paranoid mess. Then I decided I can't live like this anymore and started to work on my marriage but then I found those journals which made me go back and forth. I have stopped checking her phone and FB but that makes it worse because I'm still paranoid she is going to look for him again. It's like breaking a 10 year habit of me checking on her to see if she is talking to him.

 

I think part of me wants out. I think now I wish I could go back in time and never talk to her again after that monday when she told me about the weekend but instead, after that week off, I called her up. I remember telling her if she ever contacted him again I would be gone. Then in 2013 she looked him up, and even though she acted innocent saying she was just creeping him, I know her history well enough with him to question that. I feel I betrayed myself for not leaving. The journals, the pics. They were all still around and it killed me. It helped a little bit now that the journals are gone and she is going through photo albums but I don't know if that will do anything.

 

I have always been a bit wary of my trust since the beginning but now after her searching him 2 years ago I don't trust her one bit. Sometimes I feel miserable that I decided to get back together with her 10 years ago after that weekend because of the pain I have been in for this long because of that weekend. I wonder why has it had to be so difficult for me? I broke up with a great GF of 2 years who I never doubted for 1 second and who only had two boyfriends before me for (this is going to sound bad) for my wife who slept with someone else when we were casually dating, had an STD and didn't tell me, slept with who knows how many men and cheated on every single one of them.

 

I feel like I should leave. I don't know if I love her anymore. I don't think I can trust her anymore even if she tells me a thousand times I have nothing to worry about. I have told her more than once maybe nothing would happen now but what happens when you are out with your friends drunk and just by chance he shows up? What then? I don't have a doubt in my mind what would happen.

 

Is this any way to live? I'm basically hanging around because I love my kids and all the stuff we have together but Im not sure I love her and I seem to resent her more and more. Not for her past, but for her sleeping with that dude on that weekend then her looking him and up me being a p*ssy and not doing a thing about it.

 

Anyways. Rant over.

 

 

 

Now we are getting somewhere. I'd print this entire post out and sit her down tonight and have her read it. You need to let her know how seriously you take his. She needs to absolutely put your mind at rest. Did you let her know just how you got the information about her 'creeping' (what a concept) her old BF? If so, she is probably taking steps to keep the family computer clean. But there is no other computer she could use to continue her search on? Work computers, one at the library, even her cell phone or a friend' s machine? You and her need mc BADLY - because, my friend, it truly sounds as if, after 10 years, you have finally hit your personal brick wall on her shenanigans. Good luck.

[MidwestUSA]

 

 

I do find myself resenting her not for what she is now but for what she did. I even told her once when I spout things out that I am disappointed sometimes that we got back together or that I didn't leave in 2013 when she looked him up. I said Im disappointed that it hasn't been easier for me for 10 years and 'why me' kind of bit. Or that the past 10 years have been a waste. I said I broke up with my GF who only had 2 partners and there wasn't a shred of doubt with her and kindof compared her to my wife and what I am going through.

 

 

So, it's not about the journals at all. You've used it as an opportunity to spout your ten years of building resentment.

 

I can't imagine how your wife feels about being told the last ten years have been a waste. If I were her, I'd be handing the divorce papers to you now. You've actually told her you're sorry that you chose her over the girl you broke up with?!

 

Why did you marry her if you know yourself well enough that you couldn't 'settle' for someone with more than two partners?

 

This was not destined to work. Don't waste another ten years of her life, or yours.

[BlueIris]

I know. I go back and forth. Sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. But, I think I don't want to give up our lifestyle or start over again. I am good for a month or so then something happens and I say a bunch of crap I shouldn't say like the stuff above then I feel like an ass for making her feel bad.

 

That's not about love, marriage, trust or family. That's about money. So, decide if the money part is important enough to you, especially for your kids' sake.

 

Also, it sounds as though you rip into your wife too much, and did so even before you had this particular reason.

 

Its not easy when you have young kids. Things change. Where do your views about family and whether you want to be a family man fit into this? How do you define family man? How does a family man live and act in your mind?

[Mr1oyalty]

OP, does your present relationship only suck because of your W's past or do you think the past sucks more because the present relationship sucks?

 

I ask because you dont really speak of how presently awesome your wife is other then being a good mother. What does she do in the present that makes you feel secure and what does she do that makes you feel insecure? Is it only her past that causes you to be like this with her while you felt secure in your previous relationship?

 

If there is nothing either of you can do to change your resentment then divorce is all that's left. Was there any way she could have avoided this resentment after being married, or are you just pigeon holing her to the past incidents? Remember you wont be divorcing the woman who is sleeping with all these guys, you will be divorcing the woman in front of you now if she has changed which you sound uncertain of?

 

Don't hold her hostage mentally while you are deciding whether to divorce her, tell her you are resenting her etc, honesty. If you don't want to resent her but you do tell her whatever the truth is.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you for posting the whole truth of how you're feeling. It all makes so much more sense now. I agree with telling your W what you wrote in that post. Leave out the divorce stuff though...

 

I don't think that anyone should mention divorce unless they are really, REALLY serious. I mean well up in the 90%s that it's over.

 

The mention of divorce before even mentioning that he was unhappy or had problems with our M devastated me. If you asked me on 31st December if I thought I would grow old & die with my H I wouldn't of hesitated, 100% yes! Since New Years Day...I truly don't know.

 

After giving-up my career, moving to a foreign country to support him. After 25 years & 2 beautiful children. After holding eachother up through terrible funerals & life changing stuff... I had defined myself as his W & a mother. My FAMILY was everything to me.

 

"I'm very unhappy & we need to do a LOT of work on us" is something to be expected at some point in a life long relationship.

 

"I'm thinking about divorcing you!" is a completely new reality. It's a pain, a vulnerability, that changes everything. For me, it caused so much damage to our M. (The fact I read it on my public forum didn't help!)

 

I stopped seeing my H as FAMILY, permanent, unconditional, safe. I started to see him as just a man. A man who can walk out the door & leave me & my kids destitute at any moment.

Problem is, if he's "just a man"... couldn't we have a far better man filling that role? If its NOT about family, forever, it's about 'What do I get from this relationship?'. Whole new way of looking at my life.... I'm not 'safe'. At this time in my life safety & security is very, very important to me & our children.

 

"Divorce" is a horrible, dangerous word to bomb a marriage with. I know it's the ultimate threat. A way of saying 'I'm really serious'. Just think about EVERYTHING you're saying by using that word before you throw it out there.