Upset about my wifes past

[jh21]

If you feel like what you are experiencing is just a regular case of retroactive jealousy I have a couple exercises you can do to help work through it. These are the ones that worked the best for me.

 

I struggled with retroactive jealousy when my partner started telling me things about her past. I'll spare you the details, but her past was... well, colorful. Sometimes when you find out things about your partners past, even a non-jealous person starts feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts and images. When your sex life is unfulfilled it also adds fuel to the fire. Knowing your partner who currently has little interest in having sex with you, engaged in a multitude of wild sexual behaviors before you were around definitely makes the retroactive jealousy worse. I don't know if I even would have cared about my partners sexual history if we had been having the same type of crazy sex together she used to have with her one-night-stands and f-buddies, but there's certainly a sense of feeling slighted when you discover she enjoyed things with casual hookups that are now off limits to her husband.

 

These exercises helped me a lot. I think it took me about 3 months of doing these exercises before I stopped feeling distressed about her past. Now it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm still not exactly thrilled about some of the things she's done, but it doesn't haunt me anymore. Although I do notice that when our sex life goes in decline for whatever reason (herpes outbreak etc.) I feel insecure thoughts of her past rising up inside me. A constant and fulfilling sex life really helps take the sting out of retroactive jealousy. Here are the exercises.

 

 

1. Make a list of 5 unique and special moments you shared together that fill you with happiness every time you think of them. Keep the list in your pocket. When you start feeling insecure or jealous read over the list a few times. Try to really feel what you felt on those occasions. One of mine was the first night we slept in the same bed and she fell asleep with her head on my chest.

 

2. Write two letters you will never send. Write one letter to her, telling her everything you're feeling and how upset you are about everything that happened during the time before you were together. Feel free to list off every detail that you are obsessing over. This will be painful. You will feel angry while doing this. That's ok. Don't send the letter. Now write a reply letter from her to you, where she gives you a compassionate and detailed explanation of everything you mentioned in the previous letter. Her letter should be written in a way that puts your heart at ease regarding everything that happened in the past. Be sure the letter specifically addresses each of the topics mentioned in the previous letter. This letter should provide a compassionate explanations of everything that happened and be written in a way that soothes your concerns. This letter is sort of designed to debunk everything you're upset about from her past. Now burn the first letter and read the second letter every night before bed or every morning when you wake up. I actually made an audio recording on my phone of myself reading the second letter aloud and I listened to the recording whenever I was having a bout of retroactive jealousy.

 

3. Make a mental list of all the most enjoyable sexual encounters you had during the years of your life before her. Now spend some time thinking about how those experiences influence your feelings toward your current partner. The answer will be obvious... those experiences don't take anything away from your feelings toward your wife, in fact it will seem silly to imagine those past experiences being even remotely related to the marriage you have now and the feelings you have for her. When you find yourself thinking of her past, reflect on your own past sexual history and the happy times you had. It won't damage your feelings for her or make you long for past lovers... it will do the opposite, it will remind you how much more special your relationship is with your wife.

 

4. Make lists of everything you are upset about and organize them into seperate cohesive issues. Then write out detailed "responses" to the issues. These responses should be designed in such a way as to relax you and make you feel calmer and peaceful. For example a few of the lists I made were titled things like "She lied about her past" or "Lack of sex in our relationship" and things like that. Then when you write the responses they should have wording like "...she is still sexually attracted to me, but things like work and the kids have made it more difficult to have an active sex life, by scheduling private time together we can start to ... blah blah blah" You get the idea. These are designed to "talk you off the ledge" when you're having a panic attack. Now read them aloud and record the responses on your phone. Listen to whichever one applies as you find yourself getting upset over these issues. These worked great for me. Almost every time I heard my own voice telling me what I needed to hear (in a calm and thoughtful manner) it immediately calmed me down and got me back to a healthy mind state.

 

 

If you actively do those exercises, I promise you will start to quickly feel better and your anxiety over this will become manageable. I still have anxiety over my partners kinky past and the lack of enthusiasm in our sex life, but the feelings are rare and easier to manage. Good luck. May the force be with you.

 

Thank you very much for this. I will do all of them. It sounds I am currently going through what you went through.

[Poutrew]

Whew... after reading 18 pages of this stuff, I am beginning to think my grandparents knew better than we do - that both men and women ought to be true virgins on their wedding night. Just look at all the problems virginity would have eliminated. As far as the journals went, it sounds like the wife has some unresolved resentments concerning her current relationship - the journals were her way to relive her past whenever she needed to. It makes sense that she wouldn't want to get rid of them. The fact that even her counselors were telling her to get rid of them and she was resisting , well think of any drug addict being told to flush his stash down the toilet and get clean. Yeah, right. That aint gonna happen. JH21 - do you by any chance have a scanner hooked up to your computer, or is there any way your wife could have scanned those journals into a computer file? I'd bet there could be a hidden USB drive with the journal in it somewhere, especially if it seemed a bit too easy for her to destroy them this time. Classic passive - aggressive behavior. You will not be able to go forward with reclaiming your relationship with this woman until she works through her unresolved resentment issues.

[qubist]

This is probably the biggest issue for me.

 

Yes, we had our wild phase for maybe 2 years when we were dating. Once we were married it definately slowed down then after kids it was non-existant (understandable)

 

But now that our kids are 4 and 2 I was hoping it would come back a bit especially since we are taking time to make our marriage work and it has a little but but, she has literally zero interest in sex. I think she has initiated it twice on her own in a year. She would be happy with once or twice a month and I could do it every day.

 

I have told her how it upsets me, especially of what I read and how easy it was to get her into the sack (most of, if not all, of her boyfriends got laid that night after the bar after just meeting her, or the ONS's she had) and yet that is gone. I got a bit of that side from her but it's over. She admitted as much and even once said I might have to find someone else with my sex drive because she doesn't have it.

 

Add to that the things she did with her previous guys that she won't do with me and this is probably the biggest issue for me.

 

I'm 36. Good looking. Fit. Have a great job. I'm not ready for a sexless marriage or at least a one sided sex life where I feel I need to force her into doing it and then most of the time she would rather do something else.

 

It's a big issue.

jh21: IMHO, what your wrote above is your real problem not her past sex life nor her journals. your discomfort with her past and journals were just a reaction to the above.

she was wild when she was single and young, you got bit of that at the beginning of your marriage, she kept slowing down with time, notably after having kids, until she almost lost all her sex drive while you are still at your prime 36 years old and fit. the past and journals triggered your pain, but IMHO you should concentrate all your efforts to address the main issue, once you do that you will be able to handle the retro-jealousy.

I do not know much about restoring sex drive I'm sure there are some experienced people here that can help, you should definitely have her talk to her doctor about it too. do not exhaust your energy fighting jealousy, believe or not she is hurt by the whole thing too.

[Got it]

That's really strange you know. My partners have never had a problem with my ex's things. Never even was a discussion. One of my boyfriends had a photo framed of him and his gf before me on his dresser. I never cared, I just though 'that's a nice pic of them, they look so young'.

 

I even asked my current boyfriend if he wanted some of my ex's clothes, honestly nothing was even said. I would wear them around the house.

 

When I moved in with my partner I had a box full of porn and sex toys, he didn't care or even asked who bought them, he just enjoyed the porn.

 

Most men don't care about this trivial irrevent crap unless they are control freaks.

 

I agree. I even apparently have a picture of my ex husband in our study! It's a college graduation picture and since we were dating since high school that happens but he didn't get his panties in a wad on it.

 

I agree, my husband has a past, I am fine with it, and don't judge him for it. It's in his past. I am his present and future.

[autumnnight]

the journals were her way to relive her past whenever she needed to.

 

Please site specific evidence she even knew she still had them, much less that she read them to "relive" the glory days

 

Do some of you just make this up as you go along???????

[Poutrew]

Please site specific evidence she even knew she still had them, much less that she read them to "relive" the glory days

 

Do some of you just make this up as you go along???????

 

 

Ach, autumnnight, it really isn't that complicated. How many of us grown men have an old, still wrapped, condom tucked away in our wallet as a memento of our younger, glory days? The condom in my wallet is over 25 years old. I rarely take it out to look at it, would *never* dare to use it now, but I still know it's there...

[qubist]

Please site specific evidence she even knew she still had them, much less that she read them to "relive" the glory days

 

Do some of you just make this up as you go along???????

I agree with this 100%. the OP seems to over look the real problem and stuck himself on self-exaggeration statements

[autumnnight]

Ach, autumnnight, it really isn't that complicated. How many of us grown men have an old, still wrapped, condom tucked away in our wallet as a memento of our younger, glory days? The condom in my wallet is over 25 years old. I rarely take it out to look at it, would *never* dare to use it now, but I still know it's there...

 

Surely you are not obtuse enough to think a used condom and a set of journals that were likely in some box of old crap are the same thing.

 

 

Sorry, this logic fails at every level.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

Those relics only show the husband that his wife is more concerned with recalling the past or being able to whenever she needs assistance then. Those efforts need to be spent on living in the now.

Sorry but 1) having journals from years gone by does NOT mean anybody is "more concerned" with the past, he was out of line reading them and insisting that she burn them AND holding it against her that she didn't burn them, and for what was in them. This is ALL about his insecurity and NOT about her journals or youthful behavior. :mad: She will never be able to do enough to appease this kind of insecurity and it's not even her job to do it, if he doesn't like feeling so badly he should go to counseling to learn how to deal with HIS problem OR end his marriage!!!

 

 

Specially when a husband cannot perform as good as she has had in the past. How is a husband to get past that when the wife keeps things to prevent him from forgetting this?

That stuff is not her responsibility and if you could look at it from her point of view for a minute you might be able to understand just a little bit how her being made to feel like a dirty slutty person because of her past is driving them further and further apart.

 

This wife does not need to recall the wild monkey sex she had years ago, or whatever else that she wants to revel in. She should be working to be having wild gorilla sex with her husband now.

Why?? I don't think I could ever find him sexually attractive again after all of this. I don't understand why you are blaming this woman??:confused: For what? It's not her fault he is now regretful he didn't marry a virgin. She is being thrown under the bus by him when he acted (decades ago) like he accepted her for who she was including her past.

[autumnnight]

I told a lie the other day.

 

I was looking for some old photographs because of an event I was attending, and I ran across my journal/diary from my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college.

 

The journal in my junior year was mostly full of encouraging verses gripes about my mom, and angst over whether A) "John" liked me "that way," and B) whether or not I would be allowed to go with him to the junior banquet. The one from my freshman year was racier. I spent several pages obsessing over whether kissing "David" was a good or bad idea and then lamenting when he didn't try to kiss me.

 

No WONDER my marriage failed.......Subconsciously I was carrying a torch for John and David

[deadelvis]

I told a lie the other day.

 

I was looking for some old photographs because of an event I was attending, and I ran across my journal/diary from my junior year of high school and my freshman year of college.

 

The journal in my junior year was mostly full of encouraging verses gripes about my mom, and angst over whether A) "John" liked me "that way," and B) whether or not I would be allowed to go with him to the junior banquet. The one from my freshman year was racier. I spent several pages obsessing over whether kissing "David" was a good or bad idea and then lamenting when he didn't try to kiss me.

 

No WONDER my marriage failed.......Subconsciously I was carrying a torch for John and David

 

Well then. Are you starting to reverse your opinion on this issue?

 

"Carrying a torch" is a perfect descriptive phrase to summarize the problem with this type of situation. And that's what OP is so worried about. The last thing anyone wants is their SO carrying a torch for someone else.

Edited October 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BlueIris]

jh21: IMHO, what your wrote above is your real problem not her past sex life nor her journals. your discomfort with her past and journals were just a reaction to the above.

she was wild when she was single and young, you got bit of that at the beginning of your marriage, she kept slowing down with time, notably after having kids, until she almost lost all her sex drive while you are still at your prime 36 years old and fit. the past and journals triggered your pain, but IMHO you should concentrate all your efforts to address the main issue, once you do that you will be able to handle the retro-jealousy.

I do not know much about restoring sex drive I'm sure there are some experienced people here that can help, you should definitely have her talk to her doctor about it too. do not exhaust your energy fighting jealousy, believe or not she is hurt by the whole thing too.

 

I agree with this, and with the portions of OP’s post that you highlighted.

 

One thing OP could do to GREATLY improve the odds of wild monkey sex is to take over the care of the household and children, who are 4 and 2. Do that for a couple of years so that Wife just has to “help” or “pitch in” when she has the time and energy and when her schedule allows. This approach will have a much greater chance of resulting in more monkey sex than getting upset about her past will. And the true bonus is that being the primary parent for your children at this age will result in a fulfilling bond that will last for a lifetime.

[jh21]

I agree with this, and with the portions of OP’s post that you highlighted.

 

One thing OP could do to GREATLY improve the odds of wild monkey sex is to take over the care of the household and children, who are 4 and 2. Do that for a couple of years so that Wife just has to “help” or “pitch in” when she has the time and energy and when her schedule allows. This approach will have a much greater chance of resulting in more monkey sex than getting upset about her past will. And the true bonus is that being the primary parent for your children at this age will result in a fulfilling bond that will last for a lifetime.

 

I do all the house cleaning. I do all the yard work. I work 40 hours per week and she works part time. I take care of the kids with bathing, feeding and activities as much as she does. I BBQ the food. She cooks the meals but I always do the dishes. She does the laundry when she is home and Im at work during the day.

 

I find it insting that you assume all I do is "pitch in"

 

I could do absolutely everything and she still wouldn't have the sex drive she used to.

[Got it]

I agree with this, and with the portions of OP’s post that you highlighted.

 

One thing OP could do to GREATLY improve the odds of wild monkey sex is to take over the care of the household and children, who are 4 and 2. Do that for a couple of years so that Wife just has to “help” or “pitch in” when she has the time and energy and when her schedule allows. This approach will have a much greater chance of resulting in more monkey sex than getting upset about her past will. And the true bonus is that being the primary parent for your children at this age will result in a fulfilling bond that will last for a lifetime.

 

And I think this brings up a bigger point, are we expected to be forever locked into our exact actions, interests, and passions from the first day of marriage till the end of our lives? That everything we did, exactly how we did it is not allow to evolve, change, adapt over the years and decades?

 

I am really sorry but I thought that was life and marriage. That things ebb and flow and the two work together to tackle, compromise, and carve out new agreements.

 

I promise, anyone with those expectations will be sorely disappointed fairly quickly into a marriage if one takes such a rigid stance.

[Horton]

Sorry but 1) having journals from years gone by does NOT mean anybody is "more concerned" with the past, he was out of line reading them and insisting that she burn them AND holding it against her that she didn't burn them, and for what was in them. This is ALL about his insecurity and NOT about her journals or youthful behavior. :mad: She will never be able to do enough to appease this kind of insecurity and it's not even her job to do it, if he doesn't like feeling so badly he should go to counseling to learn how to deal with HIS problem OR end his marriage!!!

 

You're one of several people that have inferred or outright accused the OP of invading his wife's privacy. This mindset is so foreign to me that I'm not even sure how to respond to it. Why would a married person need or even want to have secret parts of their life that are 'off limits' to their own spouse? If you want to live two separate lives then why bother getting married in the first place? Marriage is supposed to be a 'one flesh' union, not just some financial partnership/roommates scenario.

[BlueIris]

I do all the house cleaning. I do all the yard work. I work 40 hours per week and she works part time. I take care of the kids with bathing, feeding and activities as much as she does. I BBQ the food. She cooks the meals but I always do the dishes. She does the laundry when she is home and Im at work during the day.

 

I find it insting that you assume all I do is "pitch in"

 

I could do absolutely everything and she still wouldn't have the sex drive she used to.

 

If all she does is cook and laundry and you do everything else plus working double her hours (40 versus 20?), and you take equal responsibility for the children… the journals pale in significance. This imbalance of responsibility and contribution to the marriage is unsustainable.

[autumnnight]

You're one of several people that have inferred or outright accused the OP of invading his wife's privacy. This mindset is so foreign to me that I'm not even sure how to respond to it. Why would a married person need or even want to have secret parts of their life that are 'off limits' to their own spouse? If you want to live two separate lives then why bother getting married in the first place? Marriage is supposed to be a 'one flesh' union, not just some financial partnership/roommates scenario.

 

I agree with this. Reading journals that were lying around is not invading privacy. Sharing passwords is not invading privacy. Sharing phones is not invading privacy. Privacy means I don't bug you when you're on the potty. It doesn't mean you get to keep pieces of your life hidden from me.

[Dolfin80]

Ach, autumnnight, it really isn't that complicated. How many of us grown men have an old, still wrapped, condom tucked away in our wallet as a memento of our younger, glory days? The condom in my wallet is over 25 years old. I rarely take it out to look at it, would *never* dare to use it now, but I still know it's there...

 

Gawd....us women don't think like that

[Poutrew]

Gawd....us women don't think like that

 

And that amongst other things is why we men love you women so much:love:

But, if it makes you feel any better, I just went through my wallet and along with the condom, there is my old Woodstock patch taken from my tattered Levi's jacket before I threw it away in '81, and a Domremy patch, which is the home town of Joan of Arc who happens to be a personal hero of mine though I'm not catholic. So, I hope I don't get judged too heavily for just the condom. On the same note, I really hope the OP can realize that his wife is a multidimensional creature and can eventually get over her negatives, because I'm sure there are also many positives that will outweigh them.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree with this. Reading journals that were lying around is not invading privacy. Sharing passwords is not invading privacy. Sharing phones is not invading privacy. Privacy means I don't bug you when you're on the potty. It doesn't mean you get to keep pieces of your life hidden from me.

 

We're usually on the same page but I disagree here.

 

If you could get audio tapes of your spouse's IC sessions, would you listen to them? Transcripts of time spent in the confession booth?

 

Some of us - me included - need a place and manner to vent darker thoughts, feelings and reflections so we can act more lovingly with our spouse. Writing those things down can be cathartic and I'd be mortified if my wife read some of them. A private journal or diary should be just that.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rejected Rosebud]

And I think this brings up a bigger point, are we expected to be forever locked into our exact actions, interests, and passions from the first day of marriage till the end of our lives?

:( sadly from this thread and a couple others I get the feeling that yes, we are, if we are women and the subject is "wild monkey sex." Does anybody here who's a married man (OP!) feel like examining whether he is exactly the same in his relationship with his wife as he was when they were courting? I bet not.

[TaraMaiden2]

......That is why you don't go digging into the past. You rarely like what you find.

 

Bingo. QFT.

[Got it]

As a guy, I will say that I don't expect a woman to act the same on day 1000 as she did on day one, no. I also hope that she doesn't expect me to be the same after a while, either. Relationships evolve and change. When it comes to crazy monkey sex, maybe I'm in the minority, but I don't really expect that either. I doubt the OP expected anything crazy either, but reading about her past sexual experiences made him feel uncomfortable, and caused him to wonder why she was doing those things with other guys, but not him. That is why you don't go digging into the past. You rarely like what you find.

 

As someone with old journals somewhere around it is just mind boggling to me that some vapid entry I wrote at 21 would be held against me so many years later. I know I spent one afternoon reading through them years ago, actually making my husband suffer through listening to some of the ridiculousness that I was so adamant then. But to be held to that as something he may not get know? I doubt that crossed anyone's mind.

 

While my past is pretty tame, especially compared to his, there are still high level of emotion at times for certain people, events, etc. that to be judged on them outside of an evolution of how I have grown seems grossly unfair.

 

I mean, I was at the height of my anorexia through some of the journals, is my husband now suffering because he doesn't have the 100 pound person that I once was? Or my codependent and unhealthy focus on an emotional unavailable man that I cycled through over a multi year time frame? Is he lacking because I don't have this obsession and focus on him? I mean I chased and put up with a lot of crap from that guy who I finally learned to just write off as broken both on a platonic and romantic level. But should my husband be jealous of him and my actions then?

 

And should I expect from my husband what he was like in some of his younger years? His Mrs. Robinson encounter? His almost threesome? And his never deflating boner? I mean even he admits in his early 20s he was all about sex and can see how time has tempered this? Should I rise up against the injustice that these other women got the energizer bunny and I get . . . him?

 

I guess I scratch my head trying to figure out, is he here to supply aspects of what strike my fancy or is he a greater sum of his parts? Should I know appreciate and love who he is today and loving him for that? I guess I look at it, I don't want the man of the past because I wouldn't have the man of today. Without his experiences it wouldn't have shaped who he is today and while he is not perfect, no one is, he is absolutely perfect formation of all his experiences to make him the right person for today. And I pleasure in the fact that we will influence who we both will be tomorrow.

 

If one needs to constantly look to the past it is because you refuse to work together in the present for tomorrow. That we expect people to be objects for our fulfillment and so rail against some unspoken contract that one can never change. Well marriage is about change. You either evolve, compromise or fall apart.

 

Not all marries work, sometimes some change in ways that can't be accepted. And that is life. Then respect them as an independent being and let them be free. Same goes with recognizing that we change(d) and owning it without holding it against someone.

[GoodOnPaper]

:( sadly from this thread and a couple others I get the feeling that yes, we are, if we are women and the subject is "wild monkey sex." Does anybody here who's a married man (OP!) feel like examining whether he is exactly the same in his relationship with his wife as he was when they were courting? I bet not.

 

I think it all comes down to the man's satisfaction level with the quality of intimacy in the marriage. If that's met, then the style of sex is a secondary thing. If it's not met, then it's easy to think of sex style as a barometer. Openness and uninhibitedness = better intimacy. Tame and vanilla can convey that she's holding back, intentionally or not.

[autumnnight]

We're usually on the same page but I disagree here.

 

If you could get audio tapes of your spouse's IC sessions, would you listen to them? Transcripts of time spent in the confession booth?

 

Some of us - me included - need a place and manner to vent darker thoughts, feelings and reflections so we can act more lovingly with our spouse. Writing those things down can be cathartic and I'd be mortified if my wife read some of them. A private journal or diary should be just that.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I can see your point too.

 

I make a distinction (albeit tiny) between, say, journals from high school and college and my current IC/thoughts.

 

I wouldn't care who read my past stuff. However, when my ex and I were in serious crisis, I really DID need a place to vent certain thoughts and emotions that I was told I wasn't allowed to have. I followed the HORRIBLE advice to let him read them if he wanted. He got so angry about some of my feelings. So yes, I agree that expecting a spouse to recount their IC word for word, etc is just plain invasive.

 

For me, if I stumbled on journals from 20 years ago and realized there were some things in there I didn't want mental images of....I'd just close them.

 

Which to brings to mind a question....if you KNOW that what you are reading might upset you AND that it is decades old....why do you keep reading.....