Upset about my wifes past

[pteromom]

This is not always true. For some women it's the opposite. My partner only enjoyed being wild and kinky with ONS's. Boyfriends don't get to see that side of her. The unattached nature of a ONS often brings out the "freaky side" of a woman that her husband will never see. The classic example of this is when the OM gets all the crazy sex acts she's been denying her husband.

 

 

OK...

...And in order for women to be open and intimate and "wild" in a long-term relationship, we have to feel safe, loved, appreciated, trusted. We have to be able to be vulnerable and know that it won't hurt us...

 

You are right. Being wild in ONS/FWB situations is completely different, because there is no emotional risk.

[pteromom]

Though why leave these journals around for a husband to find and then cause problems?

 

Not going back to look for where she left them around. If she left them on his pillow or on the front seat of his car, you have a point. If they were put away somewhere and he went digging, that's on him.

 

As to looking at EX's on FB. I have seen too many affairs start from that. Why play with a match, do you have to get burned before you agree to do so is a bad idea?

 

I'm FB friends with lots of exes. Never had an affair. Whether or not someone will have an affair is based on their own character, not on who they do or don't have as friends.

 

There is a reason why NC is a must with EX's. They are Ex's for a reason so who cares who the married, gives a crap about their career, and that their kid is a chip off of the old block, they are an EX for a reason.

 

Disagree. I do care about that stuff. These are guys I shared part of my life with, and I do give a crap.

 

Yes, they are an EX for a reason - and therefore are no threat to my relationship.

[pteromom]

Women who are married need to feel safe, loved and appreciated to be open and wild yet when they are dating some dude for 1 month or picked up some guy in the bar for a ONS they will be 100 times more open/wild or basically more hornier than they will with their husband. Good stuff.

 

As for the rest, it's a load of crap. I told her what had to be said and I'm the bad guy?

 

She lied about having an STD. She lied about ONS and the amount of guys she was with. She left journals around that proved it. She has albums full of pics of all her ex's. I got rid of everything. I have no longing to search, read or look at people who should be long gone.

 

And I wasn't the one to go searching for the person who was almost the reason we aren't together today. The one guy I said there could be no contact with and she still searched him out..and lets get real here.....we were real close to a divorce when she did it and it became 10x worse after she did. Things weren't exactly all roses. So what does she do? Go looking for the guy who I made damn clear that if she did, it would be a deal breaker. But here I am. Sticking it out, trying to make it work and yet it's still on me yet I did absolutely nothing to cause this. F me. No wonder alot of guy say never to get married. It's a lose/lose situation. She pulls all this crap yet Im the bad guy and she is the victim.

 

But mean old me. My poor wife and how hard I am for calling her out for all the BS that has been happening.

 

Good god.

 

I can only go on what you share. I stand by my post based on what you have shared.

 

You and I think so differently that I don't expect you to get my point of view. It would never in a million years cross my mind to tell my spouse he isn't allowed to look someone up on Facebook. That is so crazy to me, I can't comprehend it. Our spouses are adults, not children to be controlled.

 

It would be very interesting to hear your wife's side of this story.

[Dolfin80]

I can only go on what you share. I stand by my post based on what you have shared.

 

You and I think so differently that I don't expect you to get my point of view. It would never in a million years cross my mind to tell my spouse he isn't allowed to look someone up on Facebook. That is so crazy to me, I can't comprehend it. Our spouses are adults, not children to be controlled.

 

It would be very interesting to hear your wife's side of this story.

 

Me either. I'm friends with my ex's on facebook. I also emailed my ex today to send him a research paper I just published as he wanted a copy. He helped me with the research 3 years ago.

 

The other day both my ex's replied to my status update. They still like to keep in touch from time to time.

Edited October 13, 2015 by Dolfin80

[Got it]

I agree, I am friends with my ex husband on Facebook and we text each other about life. I am completely transparent with my husband and keep him up to date as well, everything is very amicable. And there is zero threat there. I have ZERO interest in anything with my ex. I see him more like a brother than anything romantic. Just zero attraction. At all. Ever. Completely dead and over. Bleck.

 

My husband is connected to exes on his facebook and, obviously due to having kids together, still communicative with his ex wife. Shoot, every time he interacts with me he comes away so much more appreciative of me that I have zero issues there. But in all seriousness, I do not have an issue.

 

I am really not a very jealous person. It takes a lot to get any pangs out of me. And since we share full transparency on all electronics, if either so chose we could see what the other person is doing. Not a big deal.

[deadelvis]

I should point out that there is a difference between "the ex is an ex for a reason" and someone you still have an attraction to.

 

I have people on my facebook (now deactivated) who fit in both categories.

 

There's "Mary" who I dated for many years and remained friends with after the breakup. She married one of my friends (who I introduced her to) a few years back. We keep in touch once in a while. I'm good friends with her husband. There is zero sexual energy between us. We are more like extended family than "former lovers". There is no reason why my GF would be threatened by "Mary".

 

And then there's "Ashley"... Me and Ashley dated for about a month. That was a few years ago. She still flirts with me any chance she gets. She constantly posts sexy pictures on facebook. When we see each other in public she tries to hang all over me and obviously wants more than just a friendship. We are both very attracted to each other. I avoid "Ashley" like the plague and I make a point of always mentioning my GF whenever "Ashley" tries to talk to me. My GF has every reason to be worried about "Ashley", and for that reason I have no contact with her. If "Ashley" was alone with me I have no doubt she would try to kiss me.

 

The point? Being friends with "Mary" is perfectly ok. Being friends with "Ashley" would be a major betrayal of my current partner. Not all ex's are the same.

[jh21]

Well, since it has been a while I thought I would update....

 

My wife got rid of the journals but kept the pages of her grandma. She is going through photo albums and keeping the pics she wants.

 

I have gone to a few counselling sessions and seen a phyciatrist and started taking an SSRI for my depression and anxiety that should have been looked at years ago.

 

Our sex life is great and she is honestly trying. We are good together again.

 

A few things still bother me but I dont know if it is because the SSRI is making the anxiety a bit worse at the start.....I still get bothered by the images of her with other guys which is mine to deal with. But recently that wedding weekeend when we first started is bothering me again. Mainly because since she started going through her photos I remembered she had a pic of her and him (the same one she looked for on facebook) at the wedding in a same album of pics of me and her when we first started dating. Kindof like a timeline. I remember I was going through that album years ago and lost my mind when I saw that pic of her and him. She ended up getting rid of it but now there is just a blank spot in the album where it used to be. She said she thought I was going to break up with her back then about it.

 

I just dont understand why she would have kept that pic. I remember after she told me what happened the monday after that weekend I decided to take a break from her for a week. After that all she could say was how sick she felt during that week and she was at her friends crying....but she kept a picture of the night it happened with him and her??

 

I just dont get it. Im wondering if it is something I should bring up with her ir just let it go. It seems I keep on bringing up that weekend at random times even if things are good with us.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just dont get it. Im wondering if it is something I should bring up with her ir just let it go. It seems I keep on bringing up that weekend at random times even if things are good with us.

 

As an outsider, I'd tell you you're sabotaging the very success you're celebrating when you do this. But they're your feelings and emotions to deal with in a way that feels authentic and appropriate - to you.

 

What does your therapist say about this?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jh21]

As an outsider, I'd tell you you're sabotaging the very success you're celebrating when you do this. But they're your feelings and emotions to deal with in a way that feels authentic and appropriate - to you.

 

What does your therapist say about this?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes. I agree. I think I need to just leave it alone. I know it's my OCD (which the SSRI is supposed to help with) which is making me obsess about these things instead of dealing with it.

 

I haven't talked to the therapist about that weekend stuff about that guy and her yet. We went as a couple twice. Talked about the issues like the facebook search (brought ilup the wedding weekend briefly I guess) , pictures of her ex and my trust issues. Then it became clear that this had nothing to do with her and instead all about me. The therapist basically said I have been acting like this for years because Im expecting her to do something (cheat, leave).

 

I have had a rough go of it. My grandparents died in a car crash when I was 10. My close uncle died from cancer when I was 18. My grandma died from cancer 2 years later. Then my other grandpa had a heart attack and died. Our first daughter had a heart condition (that we knew about in the first trimester) and died when she was 11 days old in 2009. Then my mom had a rough batch with cancer and died 2 years later. So it has been impossible to trust or let my guard down because basically she said everyone I love has left (died) so Im expecting my wife to do the same. Add in a dad who treated his son (my younger half brother) better than he treated me as a young kid and Im basically a phycologists dream patient.

 

As soon as she heard about all these issues she booked me in 3 sessions in 6 weeks to get to the bottom of it. I think I will talk about that wedding weekend and all the issues I have with that as well as my not being able to deal with the thoughts of her with her exs (the journals)

 

She ended our last session to think about what I say to my wife before I say it and not to be so hard on myself. (Insecure I guess?) Then she also said not everyone I have loved has left referring to my wife.

 

Then next is another app. with the phyciatrist in a month to do some congniative and see if the SSRI's are working.

Edited October 26, 2015 by jh21

[Mr. Lucky]

She ended our last session to think about what I say to my wife before I say it and not to be so hard on myself.

 

Both of those might be two sides of the same thing. In other words, you're not saying those things to your wife, you're saying them to the person that chose you for marriage.

 

You've faced some difficult issues and done some hard work just since you started this thread. Where I come from, that's called progress . FOO issues are tough, keep up the fight...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jh21]

Both of those might be two sides of the same thing. In other words, you're not saying those things to your wife, you're saying them to the person that chose you for marriage.

 

You've faced some difficult issues and done some hard work just since you started this thread. Where I come from, that's called progress . FOO issues are tough, keep up the fight...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, you are right. I have buried alot of stuff for alot of years. For some reason it has all come crashing down on me now. I do want to make it work and get my head levelled out so to speak but it's easier said than done.

 

Thank you for the help along the way. Your advise has helped a great deal.

[boltam]

I just dont understand why she would have kept that pic.

 

People hold onto their memories. I've got digital photos of exgirlfriends and me in folders on my computer, it's for nostalgia, nothing more.

 

You really need to think about being less overbearing and controlling. She's going to resent you for making her throw all that stuff away. I wonder if she really got rid of it or just hid it somewhere.

[jh21]

People hold onto their memories. I've got digital photos of exgirlfriends and me in folders on my computer, it's for nostalgia, nothing more.

 

You really need to think about being less overbearing and controlling. She's going to resent you for making her throw all that stuff away. I wonder if she really got rid of it or just hid it somewhere.

 

She burnt them. She said she always wanted to get rid of them but never got around to it.

[boltam]

She burnt them. She said she always wanted to get rid of them but never got around to it.

 

She never got around to it because she didn't really want to get rid of them. If she did, she would have, she only did so after constant urging on your part. Don't fool yourself into believing otherwise.

[jh21]

She never got around to it because she didn't really want to get rid of them. If she did, she would have, she only did so after constant urging on your part. Don't fool yourself into believing otherwise.

 

Maybe so. But I have known my wife for 10 years. I think she knew they were around but she just does not think like me. She just isn't wired like that.

[Carriages]

There is no "right" answer here.

 

The point is, what you've discovered and the half truths associated with it, hurt you and made you feel uneasy. It doesn't matter if it "should" do that or not. The fact is, it did.

 

So you need to be able to go to your wife tell her you need her help processing this. Phrase it this way, rather than making an accusation. If your wife is committed to you - and it sounds as though she is - she'll do everything she can do to help you work it out. And it'll just come down to listening, reassuring, .... which will help you trust her, and eventually forget the whole thing.