Upset about my wifes past

[Mr1oyalty]

I wasn't the one that kept her journals around about all her past conquests. Im not the one who still has photo albums around about them all. I have asked her to get rid of the journals and she burnt one but not the other and she has said she will get rid of some of the photos but that was months ago.

 

It's kind-of hard to move on and forget the past and start trusting when there is so much of her past lying around.

 

 

Let her know how important it is to you for her to get rid of the stuff, have her get rid of it. If she refuses or is even too resistant you should end it for the simple fact that neither of you are committed to each other enough to do what it takes to move forward. Its sounds like you feel as if this other person is someone she wishes she could be with from time to time? You need to talk with her about it if that is the case.

 

As far as her general past goes, I assume that if your W assures you that you are her #1 draft pick the rest doesn't matter? Even if it does bother you there is light at the end of the tunnel if you are strong enough to make it. There is a certain level of intimacy that can only be had from knowing a persons worst moments, traits, past actions etc and STILL loving them as the whole of who they are. Like wise there is a certain level of intimacy that can only be given when you feel you can safely expose ALL of your self, past, present, and future to your SO.

 

The problem however is by your post I can see your wife likely would not expose herself fully to you because you presumably would crush her if she made her self that vulnerable. So such levels of intimacy may be beyond your reach without work. Understand that you are in a relationship with a real person you vowed to love though, this person has a real past like you, real issues like you, real things she may have had to change like you. The fact is, its easier to love an image you created in your mind then to love the real person in front of you who's life you don't find fully angelic. The reward is greater though if you choose to love the real person.

 

My W had a hell of a past and I wanted to know everything about her including the bad. Once she realized I saw real her through even her own nicer self projected image and I still loved the hell out of her, the closer we became. If I came upon a journal of my W past as graphic as your W's was, I would probably laugh mock/tease her a little bit about it a little in good fun watching her blush, she knows I love a freak. She would get rid of it on her own though probably the christian that she is now.

 

The fact that the journal is destroying you though sounds like you have a childish view of your W, like the teenager who discovers his parents are real people who made mistakes and suddenly feels they don't deserve respect anymore. Its time to get rid of the childish view of your wife and see the grown up human being who lived and made mistakes and love her, as it is the grown up thing to do bro. You are at a crossroads where you can use her past as an opportunity to better understand your W or to beat her over the head with it, in which case your both your lives will be miserable. If you can possibly not come off to her as condemning or condescending perhaps you can get her to willingly give you the keys to her past and who she is now, then you can make her feel even more comfortable with her past and herself which will bode well for you in ways I wont explain:D but in my experience, woman guard these things well, especially if you come off as quick to judge. Good Luck!

[S2B]

The M is doomed not because of her past - you already knew of her past.

 

 

It's doomed because of how YOU are handling this now. Anger always kills love. And you can't possibly love her when she didn't even do anything new to deserve anger from you.

 

This isn't about HER = this is about how mean YPU are currently being.

 

 

Yet YOu don't intend to change a thing... You just keep on being angry... You will get a divorce soon... But that's what you want, right?

 

No one stays angry at nothing without an agenda.

 

 

You think you hold power over her with this new (to you) info. Misuse of power always ruins any love that might be there.

 

Keep pushing her away... You will get what you want.

[ShatteredLady]

I also get the feeling that this is all really about something else. It feels like the OP desperately wants to hold onto this & use it as an excuse to damage/end his M. I don't know.

 

These are JOURNALS we are talking about. They're not just lists of her sexual exploits. Did the OP read all the writings about loving HIM, marrying HIM, getting pregnant & giving birth?

 

I wish I'd kept journals. I truly do.

 

The journal she won't burn is the one that contains the end of her GRANDMOTHERS life!!

 

I get the feeling that he just skimmed through searching for things (he already knew) to punish her for NOW.

 

The BIG lie (only unknown thing from 10 YEARS ago when she was single) seems to be about the genital warts. I've asked this a few times... I thought this was something that reoccurred throughout life. They've been together 10 years & had children. Maybe she didn't mention this because she was wrong at the time & didn't have them???

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I've never had them. How could she have them & him never catch them?

[jh21]

Let her know how important it is to you for her to get rid of the stuff, have her get rid of it. If she refuses or is even too resistant you should end it for the simple fact that neither of you are committed to each other enough to do what it takes to move forward. Its sounds like you feel as if this other person is someone she wishes she could be with from time to time? You need to talk with her about it if that is the case.

 

As far as her general past goes, I assume that if your W assures you that you are her #1 draft pick the rest doesn't matter? Even if it does bother you there is light at the end of the tunnel if you are strong enough to make it. There is a certain level of intimacy that can only be had from knowing a persons worst moments, traits, past actions etc and STILL loving them as the whole of who they are. Like wise there is a certain level of intimacy that can only be given when you feel you can safely expose ALL of your self, past, present, and future to your SO.

 

The problem however is by your post I can see your wife likely would not expose herself fully to you because you presumably would crush her if she made her self that vulnerable. So such levels of intimacy may be beyond your reach without work. Understand that you are in a relationship with a real person you vowed to love though, this person has a real past like you, real issues like you, real things she may have had to change like you. The fact is, its easier to love an image you created in your mind then to love the real person in front of you who's life you don't find fully angelic. The reward is greater though if you choose to love the real person.

 

My W had a hell of a past and I wanted to know everything about her including the bad. Once she realized I saw real her through even her own nicer self projected image and I still loved the hell out of her, the closer we became. If I came upon a journal of my W past as graphic as your W's was, I would probably laugh mock/tease her a little bit about it a little in good fun watching her blush, she knows I love a freak. She would get rid of it on her own though probably the christian that she is now.

 

The fact that the journal is destroying you though sounds like you have a childish view of your W, like the teenager who discovers his parents are real people who made mistakes and suddenly feels they don't deserve respect anymore. Its time to get rid of the childish view of your wife and see the grown up human being who lived and made mistakes and love her, as it is the grown up thing to do bro. You are at a crossroads where you can use her past as an opportunity to better understand your W or to beat her over the head with it, in which case your both your lives will be miserable. If you can possibly not come off to her as condemning or condescending perhaps you can get her to willingly give you the keys to her past and who she is now, then you can make her feel even more comfortable with her past and herself which will bode well for you in ways I wont explain:D but in my experience, woman guard these things well, especially if you come off as quick to judge. Good Luck!

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have asked her a few times to get rid of the journals and photos but they are still around. Im not sure how many more times I need to ask? I just want her to do it on her own but it isn't getting done.

 

As for communication: Do you suggest I tell her I know how many 1 night stands she has had (she told me 1 which isn't true) or that I know she had an STD and that I am upset that she didn't tell me? Or that I am upset that she did some things to previous boyfriends that she doesn't do to me?

 

Those are the biggest issues I guess. Yes, I knew of her past but I really only knew of 1 or 2 of the guys. Now I know them all and what they did. It's not an easy thing to brush under the rug.

[jh21]

I also get the feeling that this is all really about something else. It feels like the OP desperately wants to hold onto this & use it as an excuse to damage/end his M. I don't know.

 

These are JOURNALS we are talking about. They're not just lists of her sexual exploits. Did the OP read all the writings about loving HIM, marrying HIM, getting pregnant & giving birth?

 

I wish I'd kept journals. I truly do.

 

The journal she won't burn is the one that contains the end of her GRANDMOTHERS life!!

 

I get the feeling that he just skimmed through searching for things (he already knew) to punish her for NOW.

 

The BIG lie (only unknown thing from 10 YEARS ago when she was single) seems to be about the genital warts. I've asked this a few times... I thought this was something that reoccurred throughout life. They've been together 10 years & had children. Maybe she didn't mention this because she was wrong at the time & didn't have them???

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I've never had them. How could she have them & him never catch them?

 

You couldn't he more wrong. I read both journals from front to back. Hundreds of pages with 98% of it being chasing after this guy or that or what she did with this guy after the bar. It wasn't just the 17 guys or so she had sex with, there were literally dozens others that she was with in some way or another. It was basically a sex diary of her chasing man to man.

 

And there was nothing in there about me..the writing stopped about 2 months before we met.

 

As for the grandmother stuff....I told her to rip out the 2 pages about her and keep them but to get rid of the 500 of so other pages about her going from guy to guy.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If your wife's past is that important to you...if you cannot get past what she did prior to your relationship....the answer is pretty clear.

 

divorce her and move on.

 

But I want to tell you something....the odds of you finding a woman with no sexual past are pretty slim.....

 

My husband married a 17 year old virgin....43 years ago.

What are the odds of that happening now?

 

You are willing to throw away a relationship for things she did before she ever met you....

She was not obligated to tell you her past...she did not have to tell you the truth...why? Because what she did before you...does not involve you....and she may be embarrassed or ashamed by the things she said and did.

 

I can not tell you what is right for you...what i think does not matter.

But if your wife's past has this kind of effect on you...if you cannot get past it....then you need to end this relationship.

[road]

If this wife had her husband first in her life before all past men and it was brought to her attention that keeping reminders of the past men no matter what they are. Whether journals, photos, souvenirs, whatever, are a source of pain to her husband she should be willing to get rid of those things.

 

 

I bet this woman has not looked at those things in years. That shows that she does not need them.

[S2B]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have asked her a few times to get rid of the journals and photos but they are still around. Im not sure how many more times I need to ask? I just want her to do it on her own but it isn't getting done.

 

As for communication: Do you suggest I tell her I know how many 1 night stands she has had (she told me 1 which isn't true) or that I know she had an STD and that I am upset that she didn't tell me? Or that I am upset that she did some things to previous boyfriends that she doesn't do to me?

 

Those are the biggest issues I guess. Yes, I knew of her past but I really only knew of 1 or 2 of the guys. Now I know them all and what they did. It's not an easy thing to brush under the rug.

 

Being passive aggressive about it won't make it better. Neither will the attempt to make your wife feel like a skank.

 

 

Really dude, what's your goal here? What do you intend to accomplish? Looks like you want her to feel like a POS.

 

 

Yah, that always makes for a good marriage... At this point it looks like abuse.

 

Let her go free man.

[jh21]

Being passive aggressive about it won't make it better. Neither will the attempt to make your wife feel like a skank.

 

 

Really dude, what's your goal here? What do you intend to accomplish? Looks like you want her to feel like a POS.

 

 

Yah, that always makes for a good marriage... At this point it looks like abuse.

 

Let her go free man.

 

Its not abuse. I hardly have talked about anything.

 

I just wish she would have told me the truth. I read some stuff in there that if I would have read when we were dating I'm sure I wouldn't have pursued a relationship.

 

Throw in the weekend fling and the fact that she searched him out a few years ago and Im not sure how I can let it go or even trust her in the future.

 

And yet after all of this I am the bad guy. All I am trying to do is make it work but apparently even talking about the lies to her is abuse or that I should just let go her searching out the one guy she never should have 6 years into a marriage and when we were in a rough spot. Add that to the fact that she told me she cheated on all her boyfriends and how am I supposed to feel?

[Mr1oyalty]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I have asked her a few times to get rid of the journals and photos but they are still around. Im not sure how many more times I need to ask? I just want her to do it on her own but it isn't getting done.

 

As for communication: Do you suggest I tell her I know how many 1 night stands she has had (she told me 1 which isn't true) or that I know she had an STD and that I am upset that she didn't tell me? Or that I am upset that she did some things to previous boyfriends that she doesn't do to me?

 

Those are the biggest issues I guess. Yes, I knew of her past but I really only knew of 1 or 2 of the guys. Now I know them all and what they did. It's not an easy thing to brush under the rug.

 

First you have to ask yourself do you actually love your wife now? If not divorce her.

If you love her then let her know that before you do anything. You have every right to be upset about her lying and about the std but if you want to move forward, you know your relationship best and how to do that. I believe in honesty first always so If I felt as you do I would tell my wife I love her and first make sure she knows that and then I would tell my W what I did and what I knew and how I felt about her lying. In your case you and your W may have a relationship where you have diaries etc that you keep from each other, you would need to apologize about that if that's your relationship and you broke you guys code. As far as all the things she did sexually I would make it clear the big deal is not what she did but that she lied, and felt the need to lie(would she lie if you asked her now?). Those are signs that both of you may have been in a bad relationship from the get go. You could wait on the part about what she does not do for you, she may have her reasons.

 

The thing is you would likely have to have a rapport with each other to be able to work through these things in away to come out understanding each other more. You guys may not have it. You may just want to look at her as a 4letter word and she may just be a liar. I would at least try though bro. 10 years is nothing to throw away because you are feeling insecure or whatever it maybe, even her lying , you have to think about what you both have or don't have now!

 

It ultimately comes down to what you know of your relationship. You know how to do the right thing out of love or the wrong thing out of something else. All I will say is if you want to go forward with your wife its better to build her up then knock her down cause you will have to live with her and so do your children. As far as the journal goes if she knows how you feel about it and is not getting rid of it then divorce because you both probably are wasting each others time. You know your relationship but I always error on the side of giving it everything you go if the other person is willing to do the same. Who knows she may get rid of it after you talk. What every you do I hope it goes well and you both work on whatever issues you both have.

 

Also note the feeling you may have here from posters who are trying to help you, that's the feeling you don't want your W to feel from you, so be careful if you do tell her. Tread like its someone you care about.

[Mr. Lucky]

You couldn't he more wrong. I read both journals from front to back. Hundreds of pages with 98% of it being chasing after this guy or that or what she did with this guy after the bar. It wasn't just the 17 guys or so she had sex with, there were literally dozens others that she was with in some way or another. It was basically a sex diary of her chasing man to man.

 

Once you got two pages into the journal and understood they were her private diaries and thoughts, any resulting damage is 100% on you. And you were so upset by what you read in the first one you read the second one also.

 

jh21, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest your past could not survive the intense scrutiny you're subjecting hers to - I know mine couldn't. I'm fortunate to be married to someone who values the present - and our future together - more than the past...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Horton]

jh21, as you can see from reading the responses on here many people believe it's justifiable for a wife to deceive her husband as long as she deems it necessary. Your painful reaction to the truth has been held up by some posters as evidence that she was right to lie to you in the first place. I don't hold this view myself.

 

I believe that those who seek to justify lying as long as it's done for the 'right' reasons are ignoring the fact that human beings are frequently dishonest with themselves about their own motives and will always find a 'reason' to lie if they decide that it's in their best interest to do so.

 

The idea that it's ever okay to lie to one's spouse is alien to me, but sadly there are many who are guilty of holding this viewpoint, your wife apparently is(or was) one of them. Regardless, your reaction so far has been understandable for a person in your position. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.

[Mr1oyalty]

^^^^Yeah I would say he needs to ignore the stuff about him needing to get over the fact that she lied about it as if its no biggie. It needs to be addressed if it bothers him, and she felt it important enough to lie about it so it says something. If it affects him you can't go too far in judging another person's legitimate pain. Maybe she is changed but if she lied about things like that when he was deciding whether he should commit the rest of his life to her or not it is no small matter. If it was important to him and she lied about it with that in mind then he would be justified in calling a lot into question as that is the natural consequences of lies sometimes. I do think if he wants to go forward with her though he has to tread carefully as people don't just change their stripes often. If he asked her today she may lie in the present! Which would prove the knowledge of the past is of some use in the present. Or maybe she has changed? Point is honesty and communication is the best policy. With the truth he will know if his wife is worth keeping and vice versa. If she told the truth then it would be totally is own thing to deal with.

[autumnnight]

jh21, as you can see from reading the responses on here many people believe it's justifiable for a wife to deceive her husband as long as she deems it necessary. Your painful reaction to the truth has been held up by some posters as evidence that she was right to lie to you in the first place. I don't hold this view myself.

 

I believe that those who seek to justify lying as long as it's done for the 'right' reasons are ignoring the fact that human beings are frequently dishonest with themselves about their own motives and will always find a 'reason' to lie if they decide that it's in their best interest to do so.

 

The idea that it's ever okay to lie to one's spouse is alien to me, but sadly there are many who are guilty of holding this viewpoint, your wife apparently is(or was) one of them. Regardless, your reaction so far has been understandable for a person in your position. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.

 

Oh please. You know people here don't think dewception is fine. And you know this stopped being about deception a lot of pages ago.

 

This man needed a to divorced so he can find a virgin and she can find someone who loves their woman she is today.

 

I ended a drink

[beatcuff]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

All this started 4 months ago. For the longest time, years actually, we drifted apart. Mainly because the kids but alot had to do with us not putting in the time or caring about the marriage actually. Then one day, roughly 4 months ago, I was having talk with a guy at work and how he was miserable because his wife left him. It was then I decided to do a complete 180 and make the marriage work. We went on date nights. We started being nice to each other and everything was great.

 

Then I found those journals. So it was a mixed bag of me trying my hardest in the marriage to me being sick having all those images in my head to it triggering the weekend when she had a fling with a guy mentioned in the journals alot when we were first starting off casually dating.

 

Because of what I read and the memories that were triggered of the weekend where she was with that other guy, I started bringing up that weekend over and over looking for awnsers and never getting the ones I wanted. It was upsetting her and making me more insecure for even talking about it. I was going back and forth after ahe thought we were good saying I dont know if I can stay and such. Reading the journals brought back her searching him on facebook in 2013 but she said she was just curious and didnt contact him. We went to counselling and brushed it all under the rug. I was close to leaving then and reading the journals triggered it all back.

 

I had to tell her I read the journals and that was the reason I was bringing up a weekend fling 10 years ago and for acting like I was.

 

We talked about her not using condoms back then and then why the F should I have to? She said her period was all messed up and was on birth control and she is terrified of having another kid now (she is 39) as am I!! Since then we have used condoms less during the right time and I just got a vasectomy.

 

We talked about that weekend fling with the other guy and who he was, how she felt about him and how after it happened she knew it would never work (she wad supposed to move to his city..news to me! To be with him) and that she was never to have contact with him again. And we agreed to be exclusive. We talked about how I was acting the way I was because of what I read. We talked about how I have always been insecure and have trust issues because of that weekend, even though we werent officially together yet but she told me all she wants is me and she has been faithful since that incident. I told her (and I told myself) I wont talk about that weekend anymore and that I do trust her.

 

We talked about her diminished sex drive (2 young kids) and how I thought it was unfair to me to have to beg for sex when she gave it away so freely back in the day. And since we have been good together the sex has come back.

 

So basically its these images in my head, and me still obsessing (to myself) about that weekend and that guy that was triggered by reading those journals as well as me not mentioning anything about the STD. But other than that our marriage has been the best it has been in years.

 

i am bringing back this message because this is the REAL issue. you are deflecting with the journals.

 

bold: WOW. when we had our first child my wife did about everything (90+%): cooked, cleaned, changing, breast feedings, medication, she was going to school, you name it she did it. and I WAS NEVER MORE EXHAUSTED in my life. not her, ME. needless to say her sex drive, hell mine: i would have taken a 20 minute nap instead of the best sex of my life then. it took years to stabilize. pre-children it was nearly everyday, today more like nearly every week.

 

so the real problem is you have a wife that is taking care of YOUR two small children and fails to be the 'wild thing' she was eons ago. seriously?

 

what is your end game? you have done everything in this thread to avoid this. burning the journals will NOT increase her sex drive nor will it destroy her past.

 

keep this up and it will backfire. at some point she will wonder why this is now on the radar. if she was here asking the number #1 response would be: you are having an affair and your guilt is trying to find fault with her.

 

go get some IC to deal with this. apologize to your wife. stop with the past and enjoy the today and the future. those kids grow up REALLY fast.

 

otherwise keep it up: i see weekend dad in your future.

[road]

If this wife

 

 

I meant to say put her husband first

 

had her husband first in her life before all past men and it was brought to her attention that keeping reminders of the past men no matter what they are. Whether journals, photos, souvenirs, whatever, are a source of pain to her husband she should be willing to get rid of those things.

 

 

I bet this woman has not looked at those things in years. That shows that she does not need them.

 

 

 

 

Too late to edit

[autumnnight]

We talked about her diminished sex drive (2 young kids) and how I thought it was unfair to me to have to beg for sex when she gave it away so freely back in the day. And since we have been good together the sex has come back.

 

You actually said this to your wife?

 

I'm speechless

[qubist]

jh21: all you are doing right now is stressing your self,let's set the facts:

1 you wife mad a mistake not revealing her past and lying about it.

2 you are insecure which is OK as long as you work on it but instead you are adding to your anxiety.

the important question is:what do you want? do you still love your W and thing she's been a good w and a mother and worth spending the rest of your life with her? ask yourself this question and answer it frankly.

if the answer is NO, disregard what I'm about to write in fact disregerd every post in here and contact your D lawyer. problem solved.

if YES, you should work on yourself, understand that your anxiety would escalate if you don't tackle it properly, first talk to your wife explain to her nicely that you are insecure and may need her help, without accusation or attack explain to her that her lies the diaries are hurting you. distract yourself from the subject the best you can, a proffessional IC may be needed

[jh21]

Oh please. You know people here don't think dewception is fine. And you know this stopped being about deception a lot of pages ago.

 

This man needed a to divorced so he can find a virgin and she can find someone who loves their woman she is today.

 

I ended a drink

 

Give me a break.

 

What I need is to not get lied to right from the start. STD's, number or parters.....none of that matters to you? What if it was a man who lied to his GF about that stuff to get the woman to marry her? Would it matter then?

 

I also need to trust my wife which is something I have never been able to do because of her past of cheating on every boyfriend, her sleeping with her fling guy when we were casual and emails and stuff that I have read along the way. Not to mention her searching for him on facebook. All this doesn't matter?

 

It has nothing to do with her number but rather the lies and deception and stuff that has happened since we have been together. But yep, it's all my fault. Good god.

[jh21]

You actually said this to your wife?

 

I'm speechless

 

So let me get this straight: it's ok for a woman to sleep with everyone that comes in contact with her but soon as she gets married and has children she can completly forget about her husband and he should act like nothing is wrong?

 

Good to know.

[autumnnight]

So let me get this straight: it's ok for a woman to sleep with everyone that comes in contact with her but soon as she gets married and has children she can completly forget about her husband and he should act like nothing is wrong?

 

Good to know.

 

There is no way that is what my post meant, and you know it.

 

You are being intentionally obtuse and extreme because you know how just...insulting it was to tell your wife "hey, you better put out for me since you used to be such a slut with all those strangers."

 

Your are punishing, disrespecting, and holding a grudge against your wife. You are choosing to use her past as a get-out-of-jail free card to treat her as inferior and damaged.

 

You knew she had been with other people, even some casually, before you ever married her. The one lie she DID tell - about the STD - you won;t even mention to her. But you passive-aggressively blackmail her by shaming her for her past.

 

Nothing I posted even begins to indicate that it is fine to neglect your spouse sexually. That was your illogical and defensive emotion talking.

 

You, sir, are treating your wife shabbily, choosing to nurse anger, choosing to hold a grudge, and refusing to do anything constructive or proactive about it. And the simple truth is, you LIKE "having something on her." You like feeling better than her.

 

You came here seemingly wanting to know how to restore closeness with your wife and deal with this, and the more you post, the more angry, bitter and defensive you become, and the more vehemently you justify your view of your wife, who has been faithful to you for over a decade

 

If what you want is a circle of males and females who will validate your desire to bludgeon and judge your wife, you will find plenty of people itching to do so. But that will not help your marriage.

 

Would you rather be married or superior?

[S2B]

Its not abuse. I hardly have talked about anything.

 

I just wish she would have told me the truth. I read some stuff in there that if I would have read when we were dating I'm sure I wouldn't have pursued a relationship.

 

Throw in the weekend fling and the fact that she searched him out a few years ago and Im not sure how I can let it go or even trust her in the future.

 

And yet after all of this I am the bad guy. All I am trying to do is make it work but apparently even talking about the lies to her is abuse or that I should just let go her searching out the one guy she never should have 6 years into a marriage and when we were in a rough spot. Add that to the fact that she told me she cheated on all her boyfriends and how am I supposed to feel?

 

You can't get past this - that's obvious.

 

Let her go... She deserves a chance to be with a man who won't hold things over her head and use it against her like a weapon.

 

 

It's mean what you're doing to her - even IF it's in your thoughts.

 

 

But make no mistake...it is you who is responsible for this - simply because you refuse to address your concerns, change yourself and your perspective and let it go.

 

It's as if you intend to stay so you can torture her with anger and resentment.

 

 

That isn't love - not even close.

 

 

It's like you're trying to bake a cake with dirt...it's simply impossible. Your ingredients you're putting into your marriage at this time do not equate to loving thought, actions and behaviors.

[d0nnivain]

jh21

 

Do you understand that the drop off in sex had more to do with the fact that you have 2 young children then whatever it was your wife was doing before she met you?

 

You are asking all the wrong Qs. Has she lied to you since you have been married? No. Has she cheated on you? No. Is she a good wife & mother? Yes. Do you have a time machine? No.

 

So it is what it is. Before she met you your wife was wilder then she told you. You can't unring that bell. But if things were going well before you read her diaries, why are you letting the past destroy your marriage now? As somebody else mentioned, when you found the diaries, the honorable thing to do would have been to give them to her, not read them.

 

Yeah I get it, she looked up an old BF. So what? Last week on the anniversary of his death my FB feed was filled with pictures of my EX. One of them made me cry. He looked so young, so handsome & full of life. When my husband found me crying, he closed the FB page & held me. He did not have some freak out because I was sad that an EX died.

 

Are you really going to put your kids through a divorce because you got your panties in a twist over childish stuff that happened before you were ever part of your wife's life?

[Rejected Rosebud]

So let me get this straight: it's ok for a woman to sleep with everyone that comes in contact with her but soon as she gets married and has children she can completly forget about her husband and he should act like nothing is wrong?

 

Good to know.

Do you realize how horrible that sounds? You are talking about the woman who you married and who has become the (tired, no doubt) mother of YOUR two children since the distant past when she "slept with everyone she comes in contact with.) Wow. It must be awful for her. :(

 

I had a little sympathy for you but now I just have sympathy for her, she is living her family life and you are holding her past against her. I did something bad in my past that directly affected my fiance, unlike what your wife did (that has nothing to do with you). I cheated on him. He chose to forgive me, he didn't have to do that but since he has, I trust that he won't decide to torture me about it in future decades after we have our family. That is because he is a standup guy of strong character. I love him. :love: so much and this thread makes me appreciate him extra. :love:

[qubist]

 

 

 

You are asking all the wrong Qs. Has she lied to you since you have been married? No. Has she cheated on you? No. Is she a good wife & mother? Yes. Do you have a time machine? No.

 

aaaah if we only had a time machine:)

 

JH21: you really need to stop torturing yourself. if you can't do it by yourself seek help get an IC, trust me it is all in your head once you calm down you will be able to address all that with her. what you are doing will stress you more increase your anxiety then push you to act stupidly.

good luck