Upset about my wifes past

[Horton]

So let me get this straight: it's ok for a woman to sleep with everyone that comes in contact with her but soon as she gets married and has children she can completly forget about her husband and he should act like nothing is wrong?

 

Good to know.

 

One thing I think many posters are not understanding is that you're not just upset about one issue, it's a plethora of smaller issues that form a nasty sh*t sandwich that you're being asked to choke down. People advising you to basically just get over it are not seeing the whole picture IMO. They're just latching on to one thing that they find personally objectionable and focusing on that, but that's the nature of the internet I suppose. Now I don't know what your wife's issue is, but there are some wives who spend their youth getting passed around only to become cold and frigid to the father of their children, this happens so much that there are entire sub forums dedicated to the subject. It's almost like a reverse Madonna-whore complex, a Daddy-bad boy complex if you will. This is one of the reasons people in certain parts of the world still practice arranged marriage, it's an extreme method of trying to avoid all of this craziness, not that it always works out that way of course.

[autumnnight]

I also need to trust my wife which is something I have never been able to do

 

This is COMPLETELY different from your sentiment at the beginning of your thread.

 

Which is it?

[autumnnight]

One thing I think many posters are not understanding is that you're not just upset about one issue, it's a plethora of smaller issues that form a nasty sh*t sandwich that you're being asked to choke down. People advising you to basically just get over it are not seeing the whole picture IMO. They're just latching on to one thing that they find personally objectionable and focusing on that, but that's the nature of the internet I suppose. Now I don't know what your wife's issue is, but there are some wives who spend their youth getting passed around only to become cold and frigid to the father of their children, this happens so much that there are entire sub forums dedicated to the subject. It's almost like a reverse Madonna-whore complex, a Daddy-bad boy complex if you will. This is one of the reasons people in certain parts of the world still practice arranged marriage, it's an extreme method of trying to avoid all of this craziness, not that it always works out that way of course.

 

I'm always impressed at people who know everyone else's motive.

 

Read his thread from the beginning. At first, he loved his wonderful wife, but he was just troubled by these journals he found and wanted to get through it. The longer he posts, the more angry he gets, the worse she is, and the more things he is upset about. Seems to me that he has been fueled by the usual "yeah, man, she's a ho" routine and now instead of trying to repair things with the woman he loves, he's a poor martyr married to a lying hooker.

 

Honestly, he just needs to divorce. There will never be a level playing field again in their marriage.

[Horton]

Honestly, he just needs to divorce. There will never be a level playing field again in their marriage.

 

That's always your advice on every thread I see you on. Are you a divorce attorney?

[autumnnight]

That's always your advice on every thread I see you on. Are you a divorce attorney?

 

No, just someone who knows what it is like when a person (or people) want ot keep in you in a subservient and subhuman box indefinitely.

[Horton]

No, just someone who knows what it is like when a person (or people) want ot keep in you in a subservient and subhuman box indefinitely.

 

I don't see where he's done that to her.

He asked her to get rid of her old journals that are filled with sexual conquests from her single days, but I don't see that as being an over the top request for a spouse to make.

[autumnnight]

I don't see where he's done that to her.

He asked her to get rid of her old journals that are filled with sexual conquests from her single days, but I don't see that as being an over the top request for a spouse to make.

 

Me neither. I think getting rid of the journals should happen, like, yesterday.

 

I also think the STD thing should be discussed. That wasn't a little white lie.

 

I just think balancing that against the rest of the marriage fairly is wise.

 

If I was so angry and distrustful of my spouse that I was making statements indicating I had never been able to trust him....I do not think I would remain married.

 

I have to wonder sometimes if talking about this kind of thing repeatedly, nursing it, getting feedback from others who are nursing the same grudges, etc...doesn't just snowball the whole issue.

[jh21]

Me neither. I think getting rid of the journals should happen, like, yesterday.

 

I also think the STD thing should be discussed. That wasn't a little white lie.

 

I just think balancing that against the rest of the marriage fairly is wise.

 

If I was so angry and distrustful of my spouse that I was making statements indicating I had never been able to trust him....I do not think I would remain married.

 

I have to wonder sometimes if talking about this kind of thing repeatedly, nursing it, getting feedback from others who are nursing the same grudges, etc...doesn't just snowball the whole issue.

 

I am upset that she hasn't got rid of the journals and pics of all her ex BF's. I shouldn't have to continually ask her to. To me, that says she doesn't want to get rid of them. Which doesn't help the trust issue.

 

I am going to mention that to her tonight as well as the STD thing. I dont know how it will turn out.

 

And contrary to what you have been saying, I have never held this over her head. I said it was hurtful that our relationship struggled and she showed no interest in sex. Since we have discussed that and worked on our marriage it has come back. I actually said the stuff I read in the journals didn't bother me because I didnt want to hurt her when in fact is has messed me up big time.

 

But all the other stuff will fester until I get it out in the open.

[Spectre]

I think this is a bit ridiculous...the OP is having a normal reaction to being deceived by his wife. What bothers me is all the comments of "oh well you won't ever find a virgin these days". That is silly to me because I don't think anyone expects a virgin. On the other hand nobody wants to be with the town pump either..and I find nothing wrong with that, doesn't mean a guy wants a girl as pure as the driven snow.

 

Also yeah it is messed up if he has to beg for sex when in the past she was apparently banging so many dudes and giving it up. People say the past is the past, but nah it makes up who we are and there is a problem if her husband has to BEG for sex when before she gave it up easily to random dudes there an issue. Having kids is no excuse..there are a variety of ways to fix the loss of sex drive. So I can understand why he is upset and I see no problem with him saying this to her.

 

I also have to ask the OP: I saw you mentioned a few years ago she tried to contact one of these guys. That means that while you were together she tried to get in touch with a former bang buddy? Why did she do this? You have also asked her repeated to get rid of the things and she hasn't. She knows they hurt you and she still hasn't. For me..I'd divorce her for that. I mean some people might think that isn't a big deal, but it just shows for her these things about her banging other dudes are more important then you.

 

So she is a liar..she is disrespectful, she lies about STD's, and she tries to contact men she used to have flings with. I really don't think there is much more to say.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Spectre

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, I feel sorry for your wife, there are an awful lot of assumptions being made about her here.

 

But I'd feel worse for you if you let the mob mentality here push you into doing something rash. If you dump your wife, in between weekend visits with your kids you'll have plenty of time to wonder what she's doing and who with.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Also yeah it is messed up if he has to beg for sex when in the past she was apparently banging so many dudes and giving it up. .

 

 

When she was with those other guys as a young girl she did not have two young kids at home. The OP wasn't getting sex because his wife was probably tired, overwhelmed & may have had a touch of post partum depression. If he wasn't helping around the house, that is why he wasn't getting sex. She simply ran out of energy being a new mom. The OP acknowledged that in his earlier posts.

 

 

It had absolutely nothing to do with who she dated a decade earlier.

[jh21]

When she was with those other guys as a young girl she did not have two young kids at home. The OP wasn't getting sex because his wife was probably tired, overwhelmed & may have had a touch of post partum depression. If he wasn't helping around the house, that is why he wasn't getting sex. She simply ran out of energy being a new mom. The OP acknowledged that in his earlier posts.

 

 

It had absolutely nothing to do with who she dated a decade earlier.

 

I did ALL the house and yard work. I did most of the house cleaning and along with that worked 12 hour shift work including nights.

 

I was just as exhausted as she was but I still wanted to have sex.

[autumnnight]

I did ALL the house and yard work. I did most of the house cleaning and along with that worked 12 hour shift work including nights.

 

I was just as exhausted as she was but I still wanted to have sex.

 

Did she nurse? Did she carry the baby? Studies say it takes at least as long as the pregnancy lasted to become physically "normal" again.

 

Look, I get it. You've had some angry commiseration, you've nursed this a bit, and now you want everything to be about how awful and slutty she is.

 

Bottom line, you cannot demand that your wife drop her pants anytime you want with babies around just because she was wild a decade ago.

 

If you want to discount your entire marriage over these journals, by all means do it sooner rather than later.

 

Your wife needs a chance to be happy, and you need to see exactly what you will be losing by riding everyone's vicarious outrage.

 

Oh, and no I do not think sexual starvation (REAL sexual starvation) or lying are right. And you already know that.

[S2B]

I am upset that she hasn't got rid of the journals and pics of all her ex BF's. I shouldn't have to continually ask her to. To me, that says she doesn't want to get rid of them. Which doesn't help the trust issue.

 

I am going to mention that to her tonight as well as the STD thing. I dont know how it will turn out.

 

And contrary to what you have been saying, I have never held this over her head. I said it was hurtful that our relationship struggled and she showed no interest in sex. Since we have discussed that and worked on our marriage it has come back. I actually said the stuff I read in the journals didn't bother me because I didnt want to hurt her when in fact is has messed me up big time.

 

But all the other stuff will fester until I get it out in the open.

 

It's good that you intend to have an honest conversation with her that allows her to understand you are hurt and feel deceived.

 

 

But really, even if she gets rid of them - do you think that solves the issue in your mind?

[Mr1oyalty]

I am upset that she hasn't got rid of the journals and pics of all her ex BF's. I shouldn't have to continually ask her to. To me, that says she doesn't want to get rid of them. Which doesn't help the trust issue.

 

I am going to mention that to her tonight as well as the STD thing. I dont know how it will turn out.

 

And contrary to what you have been saying, I have never held this over her head. I said it was hurtful that our relationship struggled and she showed no interest in sex. Since we have discussed that and worked on our marriage it has come back. I actually said the stuff I read in the journals didn't bother me because I didnt want to hurt her when in fact is has messed me up big time.

 

But all the other stuff will fester until I get it out in the open.

 

Lol bro, a lot of assumptions are being made about you. If they are false ignore them there is some Wknighting going on. Just keep your head on straight be mindful your wife's feelings but don't lie, be honest. If something is true and you don't want to hurt her feelings tell her that, with the truth. You are not some tyrant and your wife is no victim. We all know the past matters its what you do with it that counts. Any therapist will inquire about the past to understand who you are today. Make sure that you don't cause destruction with the knowledge you now have. If you are honest and loving I think you can one day look back and both of you will not regret that you learned what you learned. Her lie about the STD is no oops mistake, but look at the woman in front of you now and be mindful that she is the mother of your children. Like I said before this can either be the end of marriage or the beginning or greater intimacy and maturity for you both depending on how you handle it. Good Luck!

[Spectre]

When she was with those other guys as a young girl she did not have two young kids at home. The OP wasn't getting sex because his wife was probably tired, overwhelmed & may have had a touch of post partum depression. If he wasn't helping around the house, that is why he wasn't getting sex. She simply ran out of energy being a new mom. The OP acknowledged that in his earlier posts.

 

 

It had absolutely nothing to do with who she dated a decade earlier.

 

But you can take steps to fix those things, people can make time for each other. So I can get why he'd be upset that he finds she was doing all those things, but can't make time for her husband. Kids or no kids, people need to plan this stuff and make time for each other, otherwise they aren't partners anymore..they are nothing but parents.

 

Anyways, that is the least of his problems. The main issue is she knows the journals bother him and has failed to get rid of them. That tells us all we need to know. She doesn't need to get rid of the stuff about her grandmother. People kept saying "oh she probably just forgot about the journals" and that might of been true until the OP pointed them out to her several times. He also said they have been together for 10 years and a few years ago she tried to reach out to a dude she banged.

 

OP, I feel sorry for your wife, there are an awful lot of assumptions being made about her here.

 

But I'd feel worse for you if you let the mob mentality here push you into doing something rash. If you dump your wife, in between weekend visits with your kids you'll have plenty of time to wonder what she's doing and who with.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The wife has deceived him, ignored his asking her to get rid of journals about her escapades with other men(which have apparently a LOT of pages), and apparently reached out to one of her bang buddies a few years ago. These are facts. You say don't let people push him into doing something rash, and that is fine, but also don't push him into thinking he is overreacting to this. You see one extreme is no better then the other.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Spectre

[Mr. Lucky]

He also said they have been together for 10 years and a few years ago she tried to reach out to a dude she banged.

 

Exactly the mentality I'm talking about. She didn't "reach out to a dude she banged", she searched for an ex on Facebook. So have I, so has my wife and I'd wager so have most of Facebook's 1.2 billion users. What exactly are we guilty of?

 

jh21, I've hung in through both your threads and still don't understand this - today, what do you want your wife to do? I'd guess Step 1 would be tossing the journals. Perhaps you can elaborate as to Step 2 and beyond...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

I am upset that she hasn't got rid of the journals and pics of all her ex BF's. I shouldn't have to continually ask her to. To me, that says she doesn't want to get rid of them. Which doesn't help the trust issue.

 

I am going to mention that to her tonight as well as the STD thing. I dont know how it will turn out.

You know why I wouldn't get rid of the journals, if they were mine?

 

Because in all this angst and vitriol from my "loving husband," I have this gut feeling that even getting rid of the journals won't fix the problem and that - ultimately - the marriage will fail.

 

So where will I be several years from now? Single and without the husband that I loved and also without my own personal history journals.

[jh21]

Exactly the mentality I'm talking about. She didn't "reach out to a dude she banged", she searched for an ex on Facebook. So have I, so has my wife and I'd wager so have most of Facebook's 1.2 billion users. What exactly are we guilty of?

 

jh21, I've hung in through both your threads and still don't understand this - today, what do you want your wife to do? I'd guess Step 1 would be tossing the journals. Perhaps you can elaborate as to Step 2 and beyond...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do appreciate your advice.

 

Honestly, I don't know what step 2 is but me holding in all these concerns I have will only eat at me. I think I need to communicate them and see what happens in order to move forward.

[jh21]

You know why I wouldn't get rid of the journals, if they were mine?

 

Because in all this angst and vitriol from my "loving husband," I have this gut feeling that even getting rid of the journals won't fix the problem and that - ultimately - the marriage will fail.

 

So where will I be several years from now? Single and without the husband that I loved and also without my own personal history journals.

 

So keep them around for our kids to find about how she cheated on her boyfriends with this guy or that guy, slept with this dude in the backseat of a car and he came inside her or how she caught a STD and didn't know who it was from? It goes on and on....

 

Brilliant idea.

[jh21]

Exactly the mentality I'm talking about. She didn't "reach out to a dude she banged", she searched for an ex on Facebook. So have I, so has my wife and I'd wager so have most of Facebook's 1.2 billion users. What exactly are we guilty of?

 

jh21, I've hung in through both your threads and still don't understand this - today, what do you want your wife to do? I'd guess Step 1 would be tossing the journals. Perhaps you can elaborate as to Step 2 and beyond...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh and as for the facebook search...I made it clear after that weekend fling of hers with him that if she ever contacted him it would be over between us. I feel like I betrayed myself for not holding myself to my word back in 2013.

 

This wasn't just some random ex boyfriend. It was a dude who made me choose if I wanted to be with this girl or not.

 

She says she wasn't trying to contact him, only creep. But for some reason that doesn't matter to me. I just think Im lucky he lives in another city 8 hours away. There is my trust level summed up right there.

[CarrieT]

Honestly, I don't know what step 2 is but me holding in all these concerns I have will only eat at me. I think I need to communicate them and see what happens in order to move forward.

No, no, no...

 

In your GUT, are you envisioning your future as a loving couple or single?

 

Because those images do exist in your head. You are already sort of planning what your future looks like.

 

Please tell us.

[autumnnight]

Oh and as for the facebook search...I made it clear after that weekend fling of hers with him that if she ever contacted him it would be over between us. I feel like I betrayed myself for not holding myself to my word back in 2013.

 

This wasn't just some random ex boyfriend. It was a dude who made me choose if I wanted to be with this girl or not.

 

She says she wasn't trying to contact him, only creep. But for some reason that doesn't matter to me. I just think Im lucky he lives in another city 8 hours away. There is my trust level summed up right there.

 

Just leaves the poor woman. I'm sure there area few cool dudes you could room with and discuss how awful your wives are. You could probably evens find a nicer lady to server you spiked kool aid.

[MrBojangles]

Just leaves the poor woman. I'm sure there area few cool dudes you could room with and discuss how awful your wives are. You could probably evens find a nicer lady to server you spiked kool aid.

 

 

Can't believe this thread has reached 15 pages!

 

Please consider the advice above, or pack your wife up and move to a deserted island with no means of communications whatever. Maybe in time you will forget about her number of partners. Or you can grow-up and enjoy the sexual experience she brings to your marriage..

[TheGuard13]

I fail to see what making her get rid of her journals will accomplish.

 

It's not like she'll be getting rid of her past or your knowledge of it by doing so.