Beechy1973 Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Dear all Been separated from ex-wife (together 20+ yrs, married over 10) for nearly 5 yrs now (divorced for over 2). Ex had an affair but our relationship wasn't good. I wasn't the best husband but wasn't the worst either (usual loss of affection, too much focus on work, money and kids stresses - the usual marriage stresses) and we have 2 kids whom I have always had over several times a week and done my best. Spent quite a bit of time away with work which didn't help (work in sales industry). Ex turned into a good time girl, has had a string of boyfriends. Always been pretty toxic with me. No apologies for the wrongdoings she did that contributed to marriage breakdown, and no remorse for any upset she's caused me. She offered a reconciliation to me around 2 yrs ago (which I foolishly went for) only to change her mind 2 weeks later. Basically - she's flaky. I've had a few relationships with some lovely women, but have never really emotionally invested. Been with my current gf for around 2 yrs - have taken it easy, not rushed and we get on well, trust each other and she is very honest. She's very reserved and not one to give anything away, which has suited me. As for love - not sure I believe in it any more and feel that practical considerations such as shared interests, trust and honesty are of more significant importance. I've always hankered after an apology from my ex but accepted it would never come. But .... My ex has become very friendly over past weeks - seems she's split with recent squeeze and while she hasn't come out with it, she seems to be indicating she would like us to get together. Problem is I've really moved on. Now appreciated we have different values and aspirations. Don't find her very attractive any more. Feel I can do better. I never thought I'd move on, but her recent interest in me has made me really realise it. What if I'm making a mistake though? And that we could make a go of it? Maybe it's because she's interested that I'm not? I'm doubting myself and decisions! I'd really appreciate advice. I know that I can't go back. I'm independent now (for first two years I was a mess) and a different person (for the better - in the marriage I was always the bad guy for no real reason). It would never work would it? Link to post Share on other sites
lchf Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Why would you even entertain the idea of having rekindling a relationship with someone who had an affair? You've moved on. Seems really cut and dry to me. Keep things civil for the sake of your children but don't try it again with her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Really bad idea to even consider it. Sounds like she wants Plan B for a while (you) until she finds the next guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dongbellding Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 my 2 cents... 1. put the affair aside, there are problems in your relationship with your ex. it is obvious that you guys unable to overcome those problems previously. Are you confident that those problems will magically go away? 2. tbh, the fact that you posted something like the above showed me that you have not yet fully moved on from the previous relationship. You still trying to seek apology and feel sorry towards your ex etc. Ultimately, I don't believe you should blame your ex or urself on the separation. I am unable to tell you how to move on from your past. However, I'd recommend cut all connection (if possible) with your ex. 3. go travel alone for 2 - 3 weeks . Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 My ex has become very friendly over past weeks - seems she's split with recent squeeze and while she hasn't come out with it, she seems to be indicating she would like us to get together. Don't confuse loneliness and desperation with actually wanting a relationship with you. Were you to take her back, I can only guess what a "good time girl" would do when times got tough as they always do. What happens when the another guy shows her some attention? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beechy1973 Posted September 22, 2015 Author Share Posted September 22, 2015 Thanks Dong and Mr L. Yes realised going back not an option and have put the boundaries back up again. In amongst the many reasons for not going back, a fundamental one is that she has never apologised for her part in the marriage breakdown. If she hasn't admitted (never mind reflected on and developed from) her contribution to the split then she won't have learned from it, therefore likely to make exactly same mistakes again. I on the other hand, feel I've reflected and developed plenty. Beechy Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 No. Just....no. Don't even consider it. Your relationship would probably be just like it was toward the end of your marriage, only a million times worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Thanks Dong and Mr L. Yes realised going back not an option and have put the boundaries back up again. In amongst the many reasons for not going back, a fundamental one is that she has never apologised for her part in the marriage breakdown. If she hasn't admitted (never mind reflected on and developed from) her contribution to the split then she won't have learned from it, therefore likely to make exactly same mistakes again. I on the other hand, feel I've reflected and developed plenty. Beechy She hasn't admitted to the way she participated and hasn't apologized either (probably won't ever apologize). Since she's the same gal that cheated and treated you poorly then there's not one single reason to go backwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 You've been there before, you know how it ends. Especially with a cheater, with whom you already tried to reconcile at least once and gotten burned, I'd say once you're gone you should stay gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 From the TV show "House." Wilson talking about his ex wife. Wilson: People change, House. House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Now appreciated we have different values and aspirations. What if I'm making a mistake though? And that we could make a go of it? It's never a mistake to not get involved with someone who has different values and aspirations. The mistake IS getting involved with people that have such fundamental differences. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Beechy Your current GF sounds like a keeper. When you described she is everything your wife was not. "Been with my current gf for around 2 yrs - have taken it easy, not rushed and we get on well, trust each other and she is very honest. She's very reserved and not one to give anything away, which has suited me." Yet when you entertain the idea of getting back with your wife you mention no thought of your current GF..... Why? HM Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Please don't take this as an insult. Have you ever seen or spoken to a former drug addict when they have a chance to get some drugs or a reforming alcoholic at a party? "One more won't hurt me." This is you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beechy1973 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Share Posted September 25, 2015 Happyman. You're correct and having re-read my post I do sound dismissive of my gf, which made me feel a bit ashamed. I think it's a case of having been badly hurt and protecting my heart, although this is not a valid excuse. I guess I need to open up and take risks if my relationship is going to develop properly. Bigman. You're right too. It was an addictive relationship which wasn't good for either of us. I think because I'd been with her from a young age and hadn't really known any different, my identify was all wrapped up in being with her. It's been a while now and I've discovered and developed my identity. Not fully there yet but making progress everyday! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Nooooooooo!!!!! Run!!!!!! She cheated because she wanted to. That's on her 100%. Sounds like she did a good job of guilt tripping you. Unless you're a fool for punishment. She's probably a serial cheater. You can never fix that. Seriously why would you want to get burned again? Your life is what you make it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 It's because you haven't emotionally invested in your new GF (or else found a new GF who you WILL emotionally invest in) that you are having this weakness of considering going back to your horrid ex. That is the problem. If you can't emotionally invest in your GF, then let her go and find another one. Your ex did you wrong and can't be trusted, period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regret143 Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 People change. But not that much. She was a "good time girl", she still is. Now her men are probably realizing it and not giving her the attention and respect you once did, and she is realizing it. And probably she is only realizing because she had a good amount of men treating her like that. If you take her back, you will be just one more. TL;DR: Run. As fast and far as you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 27, 2015 Share Posted September 27, 2015 Beechy1973: I just read your initial thread, i didn't comment back then but if I did I would have guessed that eventually she would come back regretting loosing you. didn't we see that in many other stories where couple get together at early age then suddenly one of them feels he/she is missing out on the life outside of marriage and want to explore how green the grass on the other side is. just to find out it is not that green. she is back because she just realized that the grass was not green at all, the problem is that you never got over her A still hoping for an apology, you won't get an honest one she might give one out of desperation. you are still weak toward her and you should fix that, you said: I think because I'd been with her from a young age and hadn't really known any different, my identify was all wrapped up in being with her. do not go back to her because of this, instead rebuild your identity as a strong person then decide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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