I'm p*ssed off!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

If you are sure there is no other way your H could have knowlege of the conversations (such as your friend telling him), you need to have a meeting with your husband, and tell him you want to know where the phone tap is, that you feel it is very disrepectful, and that you want it removed. If he won't tell you, and remove it in front of you, just call up the phone company and have the landline "disconnected" and use your cell.

 

Next you should reformat your computer, backing up any necessary work files, re-install Windows XP, and make an account for you (with administartive priviliges), and make an account for him (like one you would make for a kid - can't install software, etc.). Also change the password on the basic administrator account. He has obviously shown that he cannot be trusted. Better yet, give him your computer just as it is, and buy yourself another one if you can afford it (be sure to secure it properly).

 

I think both of those things are in order, considering the betrayal he has engaged in. You don't have to brag about these things, or tell him exactly what you are doing, but you cannot allow his "monitoring" of you to stand, either.

 

This is ridiculous, and your H really isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. If he has bugged your computer and phone (a dirty, nasty thing to do, of total last resort that should probably NEVER be done, unless one is practically certain an affair is going on), and he has not found any smoking gun other than some deeply personal heartfelt converstations with your female friend which did not suggest you were doing anything wrong, I really don't know WHY he thought it was necessary to expose his incredibly distrustful, childish, hurtful and betraying behavior to you, by quoting things to you from your own personal conversations. Think about it. What could his purpose possibly be? He hasn't found anything good, so he quotes something innocent that he didn't like just to let you know he is watching? What a childish moron.

 

You should also start sleeping with your husband more, if you plan on saving the marriage. Guys WILL suspect something is up if you cut them off, or almost do so, or greatly cut back. It's a vicious circular cycle. You feel less connected to him, so you withhold physical intimacy, then he feels even less connected to you, so you feel even less connected to him, so you withold physical intimacy even more, etc. etc. Somebody has to put a stop to that at some point, and judging by your H's coping skills with what he has done with the computer and phone, the somebody who is smart enough to put a stop to that vicious circle is going to have to be you.

 

He should have been sure before betraying your trust, and while he may have had grounds to suspect, he had no cause to be sure enough that anything was asmiss to do what he did, so he is still in the wrong, but you need to rise above it before you get so disconnected from him (emotionally AND physically), that there is nothing left.

[JadeStar]

We talked last night and I asked him one last time how he got his info about what I was talking with my friend about, he told me he walked by the window when I was outside on the phone and thats how he said he knew. I always go outside to smoke when on the phone. There wasn't any windows up to my knowledge. Had I not found the phone dialer dialog box that was saying what all you could do to recordphone conversations etc and the call log, then it might be believeable. However the very nexty day when we first talked about all this, all the dialer/call logs were gone! Which leads me to believe he already knew I knew something was up, so he got rid of it.

 

 

Ladyjane in response to what you posted about the delusional jealousy, I did do a search and it does sound like him. Or at least he has some of those tendencies. I'm gonna quote something I read about it.

 

>>>What is pathological jealousy? Pathological jealousy, sometimes called delusional jealousy, is when a person holds a belief, which is wrong, that a partner, (e.g., husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend,is being unfaithful to them.

 

>>>The person usually goes to great lengths to find evidence that this is the case, and will often draw mistaken conclusions from events or objects that they think are evidence, even when its obviously not.

 

This sounds a bit like him, in the sense of digging through the trash, making false accusations, and not to mention the mere fact that he told me last night he thinks about or has convinced himself that if I haven't cheated already that I probably will. I asked him is this something he thinks about often, he said yes. Thats a problem in itself right there. Only a doctor can determine if this is his case. We will look into it for sure.

 

 

Jade

[Bubbles]

Your husband has a very destructive personality........he needs more help than your love can give him.

 

bubbles

[Ladyjane14]

Not a trained professional.....but I would think that just like most psychological conditions, there would be some kind of scale in regards to severity of the condition.

 

It might be worth the time to talk it over with a professional therapist.

 

In the interim, if memory serves, one of the treatment plans in delusional jealousy was for the unaffected spouse to call the pathological one on the phone HOURLY during the times they are apart.....to the point of annoyance really. That would suggest to me that it would be wiser to reassure the jealous partner aggressively, in conjunction with guided therapeutic professional treatment.

 

While I agree wholeheartedly with WithorWithoutYou's suggestion of increasing sexual frequency, I would be hesitant to engage in anything that could be construed as secretive. Everyone deserves privacy, of course. But I think I would work through the problem first with "privacy" as the desired outcome, and my husband being firmly comfortable with it.

 

I worked through depression with my husband, and I just treated it like a medical condition (and it is)....but like he was bleeding from the ears or something visual that you could see.

 

It's difficult not to take behavioral issues personally, I know. I think it depends on your emotional investment in the relationship....if you want it more than anything. That's what allows you to hold your nose, and plunge right back in, and get the job done

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Ladyjane is probably right about not doing anything that could be construed as secretive, but I'm still not sure I could let the monitoring stand if someone did that to me without proper justification. It's a tough call, and I guess it does depend on what lengths you are willing to go to reassure someone who obviously has no trust in you.

 

I think you should definately remove his spyware from your computer though - I just would not tolerate that, and after you find it and remove it, you should have a talk with him about it, and tell him why, since when he goes to find the logs of your IM conversations and emails, he is going to realize it isn't there anyway. At least that way, he would know that he hurt and deeply offended you, and might not automatically assume that you are just removing his spyware to "hide your (non-existent) conversations with the other man". As for the phone, perhaps just not using the landline for ANY personal conversations whatsoever is a better short-term solution than disconnecting it. I do, however, think you should still make him tell the truth about what he so obviosuly did logging/bugging your calls though, as that is a huge betrayal of your trust.

 

I also think that you may want to have a "Look, I'm not cheating on you, but either you trust me or you dont, and if I wanted to be with another man, I would obviosuly divorce you and do that - BUT I'M NOT DOING THAT, AM I' talk with him. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee. You need to explain to him WHY you have pulled back from him physically, and tell him you really want to work on that part of your relationship. Tell him you love him, but that he is making you feel untrusted and you cannot live like that, so the two of you have to solve this problem together, perhaps with help from a marriage counselor.

[JadeStar]

Hi thanks for the replies.

 

 

1. I have increased the freguency of sex with him, it doesn't seem to matter, he does what he does anyway, and feels what he feels reguardless.

 

2. As far as the spyware, if there was any there, he must have removed it because after we talked about it, the next day I did a search to see if what I had seen was still there, its gone! But yet he insists on telling me he heard my conversation through a open window when I was outside. The window wasn't up to my knowledge.

 

3.We have talked and I have tried to reassure him that I'm not doing anything that I shouldn't, nor would I. He either believes it or he doesn't, he has those 2 choices. Like I said I really feel he has convinced himself to believe I will. What a terrible way to live for him. He is destroying himself and this relationship with that kind of thinking.

 

4. We will get into some counseling/thearpy.

 

Thanks so much for the advice!

 

 

Jade

[StillHurtin]

Jade, I haven't read all your replies but your H sounds similiar to mine (well, except he never tapped the lines or whatever he is doing to you), but he acts the same way. He ask me who I flirted w/, who flirted w/ me, who bought me drinks or even who I slept w/ when I go out w/ friends. I was so tired of hearing it after 11 years but I never did anything. I asked H why he always accussed me of something when I have done nothing. He told me he was insecure, jealous, and thought I was too good for him and it worried him that I would find someone else. Well, after years of putting up w/ this behavior guess who was the one that had an A? HE did! All those years of me being accussed of having and A and he was the one that ended up having one. I am not saying that is what your H is doing, or will do, but I would keep my eyes open. What he is doing is wrong and I would find out what is going on. GL!

[JadeStar]

Hi stillhurtin, thanks for the reply. You know another sad thing is, sometimes I have to be careful of what movie I watch with him, because hes that insecure that if we watched a movie that had infidelity in it, he would assume thats what I would do. I remember when the movie unfaithful came out. He was crying and said to me, "See, women can cheat too." I'm thinking where in the world did that come from? I told him, "Yes, anyone can, man or woman." Then we rented the movie closer. I almost didn't want to rent it for fear it would add even more insecurity to him. A friend of mine told me about it. I hesitated to get it, but thought what they hell, if his insecurity kicks in because of some movie, so be it. We watched it, and seemed ok with it. But seriously, its bad when I have to rethink of watching certain movies with him, because it might trigger something to go off in his head thats not even true.

 

 

Jade