Years of toxic family and heart trouble

[KittyKat67]

I am a 48 year old women who has semi cut ties with my family. My parents were extremely generous with money. Dance, swimming, piano, ANYTHING I ever asked for material wise, I got it. They were EXTREMELY controlling from early on and was beaten physically numerous times growing up that I am just now healing and coming out of denial. I remember my dad kicking me in my side for not answering quick enough, getting slapped and knuckle sandwhiched when he didn't like the way I looked at him, thrown against the wall and punched and kicked while curled up in a fetal position. It was a regular occurance growing up to not know when this rage would hit. It could be out of the blue. I used to swim competitivly and my dad him me so hard that I almost lost my hearing, he busted my eardrum. This was all a regular thing up until about 14 when i started running away from home. The last abuse was when I was 21, he was recuperating from open heart surgery and when I came home after going out (yes I was drinking), i was late to my curfew and he jumped out of bed and said I didn't visit him enough in the hopsital and beat me. This time my mom joined in and they both were hitting me while I was on the grown protecting my head just telling them I loved them.

 

I was in denial. Anyways, I always had a boyfriend which helped alot and moved out. Got married....and was pretty productive. The only thing was I smoked alot of pot through out my adult life to compensate for the pain.

 

About 5 years ago, my grandmother passed away and my parents bought the house (incredibly cheap price) and asked me if I wanted it and I said yes, as I thought it would be a great investment. Little did I know the storm to come. First what they did was put them as 51% owner and me 41%. Where this house is, I couldn't find a job in my profession and had to resort to a 50% pay cut and literally had to work at a min. wage job. My self esteem plummeted and when I discussed about selling they refused. they told me that it doesn't matter if I work at a min wage job, I have no mortgage. Well there is homeowners and ins. though. I realized that maybe I was being selfish so I just tried to make the best but I sunk into a suicidal depression for the next 4 years because I felt trapped. My whole childhood started flooding back and relizing that this house was a symbol of the control that was placed upon me and started to feel rage. I tried to explain to them my situation and because they were dismiisive, I couldn't work anymore due to mental instability and they paid for everything. Food, lights, cable. My self esteem was non existant. I started to get rage. A few years ago my dad was so pissed at me for all this that he charged me with a rake out in my patio. I stood up for the first time in my life though and it felt good. But they still refused to listen to me and what was happening to me. I didn't feel safe where I lived, I had meth addicted relatives going on meth rages coming over tomy house, I had relatives that nobody wanted to deal with started to cling on to me and I felt trapped and suicidal. For the past 4 years I tried to go on but I was seriously depressed and relaie that i had lost control of who I was. I devloped heart disease. I started to get angina and my doctor told me unless I let go of the past, it can kill me. HOW CAN I LET GO OF THE PAST IF I'M DIRECTLY STILL IN THE ABUSE. I always knew I should move away for at least a year to heal. I love my parents dearly. I know that are good people, they work hard. They came from nothing to being very successful. By the way, my brother is 40, still lives at home plays video games, wakes up at 3pm....and he is not on drugs. He is just selfish. After I started to get angina, I realized I had to do something. Cutting ties was something that I pondered upon even several years ago when I lived in my hometown, making great money and being completely independant all my life until I moved here.

 

One of the final straw was a few months ago, I went to visit some relatives and my mom was there. She was scowling at me, making rude comments about me in front of relatives...and when I was laughing at a joke a cousing told me, she yelled at the top of her voice "YOUR AUNT IS TRYING TO TALK TO YOU, THATS YOUR PROBLEM YOU DON'T LISTEN...YOU HAVE A PROBLEM"..i WAS NEVER so humiliated in my life. I stormed out of there and that was it. I can't do this power struggle with her anymore. This also why my relatives don't respect me either. She has belittle me all my life and they all followed suit.

 

 

My dilema is do I walk away from this house. I don't want to live in this city due to clingly over bearing relatives that just replay all the disprespect I need to heal from my childhood. Every time I bring up selling, they ask me where I plan then to move. I plan to move anyways in year to Hawaii with my best friend who we have decided we will grow old together and take care of eachother no matter what, she is my sould sister and honestly I need her love and friendship more than ever at this point in my life. Since i have told my parents I have decided to go away for a year, my mom told me I have to discuss it with them first. I have never ever ever been so despondant. Instead of going on medication, I refused becaue its the situation.

 

I am just looking for help here in this wonderful community. Thank you.

 

p/s I have really forgiven my father because he is remorseful, he won't say he is sorry but I see it. But he still call me stupid occasionally, which hurts as he used to always cll me that as a kid. Its my mom, who I juyst can't be around. At my age she still tells me that I need to discuss any major changes with them before I do anything. I'm very afriad of getting a heart attack, I really am.

 

 

Currently I am sober and going through intensive therapy.

Edited September 19, 2015 by KittyKat67