New_Wife Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 My H and I were introduced by a mutual acquaintance. This person had been in a relationship with my H when they were kids (think 14-15 years old - she was his first sexually) and had kept in touch through the years ever since. They had one attempted go-round in their early 20's, that went poorly, and returned to friendship. She's married with children now. Meanwhile, her H and my H met, became friends, and all was well. He and I meet (I thought she was playing matchmaker) fall in love, etc. She comes completely unglued and makes this bizarre scene about the whole deal. She called him and asked why he would hurt her so, etc. She said some nasty things to me when we were supposed to be on an outing together and embarassed her H by acting like the betrayed lover while the four of us were stuck in a vehicle together. We wrote her off as unbalanced and let it go. My friendship with her had been chaotic, at best, over the decade or so we'd known each other - marked at several points with her trying to bed (and once succeeding in) guys I was dating. She's that insecure friend that isn't really the ugly one, but has a chip on her shoulder that makes her slight flaws really stand out. She liked to broadcast my failings and paint me out to be a lot more promiscous than I was, as it suited her, to make her feel better about herself. Our "friendship" was normally limited to very small doses & primarily restricted to our kids and families. It was a relief when that "friendship" ended after my H and I started dating and she went off the deep end over it. So recently, she calls him, and tells him that she's not holding a grudge anymore and wants to be friends again. He tells her we're married now, and she says she's happy for us. He cuts the convo short and tells her I'll call her later. Here's the part I don't understand. This really freaked me out. Not his reaction, I couldn't have asked for him to handle it differently or better than he did - but that this person wants to be back in our lives. I feel guilty telling someone "no - go away - never come back" but at the same time, she's such a black cloud when she is around - and now with the added incentive that she thinks I "took" something that was hers (she even called him her "fallback" at one point), I've no doubt she'd create all sorts of nasty little stories to try to cause problems between us. I had a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach all day after hearing about this call. Why? I'm a reasonable 30-something successful carreer woman. I'm married to a wonderful man, we have a good life - there shouldn't be anything this person could or would do that would upset the balance there - yet I felt just ill all day knowing she wanted in our lives. I did tell my husband this, and he said "no problem, if she calls again I'll tell her no thanks - that we wish her the best, but don't want to be friends" He didn't give it any more feeling than "Nah, I'd rather not receive the Sunday paper" so I know that has nothing to do with my weirdness - I don't get it. Help? Thoughts?? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 I don't see any reason for her to be in your lives. There's no need to reconcile the friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 I think you have a VERY AWESOME husband! He obviously thinks a lot of his marriage. He does not want any chaos in your lives as he is already aware that she is walking case of chaos. I say let your husband handle the call when it comes in and tell her NO THANKS!!!!!! She must have wrecked all of her other friendships to be knocking on your door again after what she has already done? She's either stupid or really ballsy. Don't feel bad.....she's obviously going door to door looking for friendships so don't feel like you were centered out o.k.? Tell her No Thanks......wer'e not interested. Let her husband put up with her crap! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author New_Wife Posted May 16, 2005 Author Share Posted May 16, 2005 Thx Bubbles & Pocky. I think I have a pretty awesome hubby too! I wish my stomach and my head would get together on this one!! (the ex-friend, not the hubby) I think the funny thing, for me is, I can see where a person would go nuts wanting this man again if they let a chance to be with him go. But she did, it's gone, and that's that. Why am I still even on this topic with myself? Note to self: Knock it off! Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 She has no place in the relationship, it sounds like. Next! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 Are you worried that if you DON'T reconcile the friendship, that she'll try to manipulate your marriage in some other way? What a bozo! Did she give a reason for wanting back in your lives? Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 You know what else? WHO CARES what SHE thinks!!!!! What value would she add to your lives? I too had a friend who would tie me to her "wipping post" she did and said the most humiliating things... She would make me out to be an idiot and an idiot I AM NOT. She's the idiot. She lost MY friendship. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author New_Wife Posted May 16, 2005 Author Share Posted May 16, 2005 Monday, I didn't talk to her. My H said she claimed to miss him (or us - he didn't specify, but I'm guessing it was not us) & mentioned something about her oldest child. We helped them out about a year ago with a legal problem regarding this girl - whom we care about a lot. We've both been involved in the child's life in auntie/uncle spots since she was a baby. Anyway, we fronted them some money to deal with this problem. My best guess is that she either (a) is trying to use child as a lever to get back into hubby's good graces or (b) wants more cash if we're willing to part with it. Bubbles, I know exactly what you mean about whipping post. My ex-h actually called her daily when our marraige was failing, then he'd confront me with stuff she said. "Well ______ said you used to sleep with a different guy every night." "Well, _______, said you blah blah blah" She even said, with me sitting right there one time, "Well, everyone knew if you wanted a good lay you just had to go down the hall to her room." I laughed it off at the time, but it actually hurt my feelings. By the same token, though, this girl claimed to have worked as an "escort" and a "stripper" and a number of other things that her physique lead me to believe are not very likely to be true. About 1/2 of what came out of her mouth in the time I've known her I suspect is false. Do I think she'll cause other problems? yes. I think she'd try. I'm not sure what, if anything, she could actually do - but she's addicted to drama and loves to find herself dead center in the middle of it. I just don't want to deal with her at all. And how funny is it that I'm even worried about it? This is nuts! I like to pride myself on logic. It is completely illogical that this person would have any hold in our lives. What is my problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 You don't have a problem. You posted here on LoveShack.....we are on YOUR side........allow your husband to tell her to go get stuffed! and laugh about it afterwards. You don't have to give any-one a "second" chance just because Mom said it was the right thing to do! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Author New_Wife Posted May 16, 2005 Author Share Posted May 16, 2005 Bubbles, I'm having a laugh about it now - both of our Moms hate her (mine and his). They don't dislike her. They don't think poorly of her or feel bad for her. They both HATE her. On the upside, my mother loves my H and his mom and I adore each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 So can you see it more clearly now? Neither of you need her........she needs you by the sounds of it. Make sure to pick up phone and call his Mom to let her know that this so-called friend did call. The two of you will have a good laugh I am sure. I'll bet husbands Mom knows a few things about her......just because we're Mom's does'nt mean we are stupid huh? You sound like you are feeling better already Good! I am happy! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 I did tell my husband this, and he said "no problem, if she calls again I'll tell her no thanks - that we wish her the best, but don't want to be friends" He didn't give it any more feeling than "Nah, I'd rather not receive the Sunday paper". Sounds like you have a great husband there. Let him deal with it as he has said if she calls. No need to let that back into your lives. She obviously has a thing for your H, and it obviously is not mutual so you have nothing to worry about. The worst thing you could possibly do is let someone who has designs on your husband insinuate her way back into your life, not that she would succeed in taking him away from you, but she would probably just constantly try to undermine your marriage, and cause problems for the two of you due to her jealousy. Upon hearing what you had to say, your husband was able to see that too, and is prepared to handle the situation correctly. You can't ask for more than that. A+ for your husband. He's definately a "keeper". Link to post Share on other sites
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