Friends with ex...going to see him after 2 yrs

[lola59]

My ex and I still keep contact. We broke up 2 1/2 years ago. We haven't seen each other in 2 years. I am going to visit him (many states away) in 2 weeks. We planned this trip (a couple months ago) after he broke up with his girlfriend of 1 year, that he was living with. 2 weeks ago, they got back together. And now, he found out she's pregnant (that's a whole other story though). I'm still going to visit him, he still wants me to come, as we are really good friends. I do still feel something for him. And I know his girlfriend is going to have a problem with me, especially since I'm staying at his place. But that's her problem.

 

I was reading another thread about why exes keep in contact. It's obvious he doesn't have feelings for me, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten back together with her. I want to stay friends with him forever. He does too. But, my question is...why? Is there any reason for us to be friends if he's got a girlfriend, that's pregnant now?

 

I guess I'm just wondering what will happen because the last time we saw each other, we were still in the midst of getting over our breakup. We were still messing around, he was still trying to sleep with me, and our relationship was not easy. But it's been 2 years now...so, I'm just wondering if it will be different from the last time we saw each other? Has anyone gone through anything similar?

[nickname]

I am getting ready to go through the same thing. My b/f of almost a year is getting ready to move about 3000 miles away. We aren't going to stay together but we have both made it clear that we are going to be friends forever and be in each others lives. As much as everybody says I shouldn't keep talking to him, they don't understand. We have talked about getting married and spending our lives together, and if being just friends with him is the only way he is going to be in my life I'll take it.

 

Do you have any advice as I get ready to tell him good-bye?

 

Sorry this really isn't a reply but more of a question

[rohini]

Im glad i ran across this thread. i don't know. on one hand i think its a great sign that people can get on with their lives without hating each other that will be what will help make this planet more peaceful.

 

i think that if you are going to be platonic friends it would be best for you to get to know his girlfriend to help put her at ease with your relationship. otherwise, she will feel uneasy and scared and he will start hiding how much he talks to you, she WILL find out and ask questions and he will get defensive which will make her suspicious and make it harder for him to be friends with you. that wouldn't be fair to either of you. other than that if your relationship becomes more than platonic he will have his cake and eat it too, and unless that is agreed upon by all parties that will be a very bad thing. at that point he will be sleeping with you and you will be hoping he will leave his girlfriend but he never will he will just try to keep you both. not because he is an evil person but because he is faced with the awful decision of having to pick which woman he loves more. do you want to be the one he doesn't pick? do you want to be set up for that heartbreak? what if he does go back to you and then he wants to be friends with his ex girlfriend? i really don't know the answers im just asking these questions for constructive brainstorming. what are some other things we need to consider?

 

im having the opposite problem and im trying to be rational and loving. my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years whom i have been living with for a year has been talking to his ex girlfriend, a lot more than i originally thought, he went outside to talk to her for an hour once but i didn't say anything, but apparently it has been more than that. and now she is moving to our town and he asked me if i wanted to meet her but said that i didn't have to if i was uncomfortable. well im not sure what all this means? but i am going to meet her and try to be friends with her as she is definately a part of his life and i can't tell him who he can and can't talk to. especially if i love him. but i do want to know if im being weird feeling intimidated and scared and a little suspicious by the situation. honestly i can't help but wonder if i will be thinking about when the two of them where together. who knows maybe i will gain a new friend and he really does just have just a platonic relationship with her and everything will be non dramatic and peaceful.

 

does that apply to either of you?

[magda]

If you really wanted to stay friends with him forever, you wouldn't say:

 

And I know his girlfriend is going to have a problem with me, especially since I'm staying at his place. But that's her problem.

Because it sounds like his problem too!

 

Rohini, you sound really trusting, I envy you. I try not to be a jealous person, but I am pretty possessive (especially compared to you) and in your situation I would be paranoid.

[pixie102]

nickname: It's not easy. I can tell you that. You have to really care about someone a lot to put aside your feelings like that. It was very difficult for me at first. But I've had a lot of time to deal with it and think about it. It's been 2 years. I don't know if I have any advice...I just know that if there is really love there, it will be easy to be friends and to continue caring about each other. And people don't understand. You can't just drop someone out of your life that you care about. I can also tell you, it won't be easy to hear about someone new in his life. But, for me at least, it has been easier to bear it all because we live so far away from each other. Only time will tell.

 

rohini: It's actually nice to hear from the other side. I've been in my position before and gave up on it. But this ex now, I care way too much about to do that. But I will tell you my point of view (I don't know if this is how your boyfriend's ex thinks though): I really don't want to meet my ex's girlfriend. I mean, I know I have to, but I won't enjoy it. And I will be civil and kind. I just know she will automatically not like me, but that's not my problem. She's younger than me too. As far as my ex, yes, I do have feelings for him still, after all these years. If he wanted to get back together with me, I would jump at the chance. I would never sleep with him while he was in another relationship though. No way. Oh, and he calls me when she's not around...which isn't very often lately. I did call him once on purpose when I knew they would be together, so she knows I'm not going anywhere. I think it's natural to be suspiciuos of the situation. I mean, even though we're friends now, we are exes. He has never given me any indication that he would like to get back together with me though.

I think it's great you are so cool about your situation. I can only hope my ex's girlfriend is thinking the way you are. It shows you really do care, if you are willing to go through that. I think it would be good if you met her, she may turn out to be like nothing you think she is, and that will put your mind at ease. And you have nothing to worry about. He's with you, not her.

 

All I know is that my ex is a very kind person with a lot of integrity. He does what he feels. He doesn't hide anything. And if he does still feel something for me when I see him...then I know he will go with how he feels. Except that his girlfriend being pregnant complicates things even more...

 

Why do exes want to stay friends? I mean, I know why I do, but he was the one who dumped me.

[lola59]

This will be a repeat post...because I didn't post it under my username...sorry for the repeat!!!

 

 

nickname: It's not easy. I can tell you that. You have to really care about someone a lot to put aside your feelings like that. It was very difficult for me at first. But I've had a lot of time to deal with it and think about it. It's been 2 years. I don't know if I have any advice...I just know that if there is really love there, it will be easy to be friends and to continue caring about each other. And people don't understand. You can't just drop someone out of your life that you care about. I can also tell you, it won't be easy to hear about someone new in his life. But, for me at least, it has been easier to bear it all because we live so far away from each other. Only time will tell.

 

rohini: It's actually nice to hear from the other side. I've been in my position before and gave up on it. But this ex now, I care way too much about to do that. But I will tell you my point of view (I don't know if this is how your boyfriend's ex thinks though): I really don't want to meet my ex's girlfriend. I mean, I know I have to, but I won't enjoy it. And I will be civil and kind. I just know she will automatically not like me, but that's not my problem. She's younger than me too. As far as my ex, yes, I do have feelings for him still, after all these years. If he wanted to get back together with me, I would jump at the chance. I would never sleep with him while he was in another relationship though. No way. Oh, and he calls me when she's not around...which isn't very often lately. I did call him once on purpose when I knew they would be together, so she knows I'm not going anywhere. I think it's natural to be suspiciuos of the situation. I mean, even though we're friends now, we are exes. He has never given me any indication that he would like to get back together with me though.

I think it's great you are so cool about your situation. I can only hope my ex's girlfriend is thinking the way you are. It shows you really do care, if you are willing to go through that. I think it would be good if you met her, she may turn out to be like nothing you think she is, and that will put your mind at ease. And you have nothing to worry about. He's with you, not her.

 

All I know is that my ex is a very kind person with a lot of integrity. He does what he feels. He doesn't hide anything. And if he does still feel something for me when I see him...then I know he will go with how he feels. Except that his girlfriend being pregnant complicates things even more...

 

Why do exes want to stay friends? I mean, I know why I do, but he was the one who dumped me.

[rohini]

hmm i didn't read her post quite like that. we are all responsible for our feelings and that is how i was reading it. dang in my late 20's im still naive. and if you think that you could lose control over your friendship and he does try to sleep with you i wouldn't be friends anymore. if you are asking yourself "why does he want to be friends?" you should ask yourself first "why do i want to be friends?" as Magda was trying to get at. then you can ask all the weird questions i was asking to yourself.

[rohini]

i hope that ex's want to be friends because they don't want hatred and un civilty (is that a word?) in their lives. i don't know anything about what men are thinking, really. because i sometimes feel the advice men give is their ideal situation and not the actual one. are you close enough to your ex to straight up ask him why? that is one approach. do you think you could be friends with his girlfriend if she tried and if she opened up her home to you? has your ex discussed with you how time will be spent? thanks for being honest with me i do appreciate it and ill go digging for some answers on why guys want to be friends with their ex's. hopefully i will come back with an amazing answer that will be workable and the start to healthy thinking and relationships.

[BlackGoaty]

I broke up with my ex (3 yrs relationship) 2 months back and somehow my ex ex (4 yrs relationship) has decided to appear back into my life and guess what, we are catching up with one another this weekend over dinner and drinks. I havent seen her for 3 years after we broke up and half a year later I got together with my ex. I didn't want to remain friends with her despite her efforts over the years trying to maintain a friendship with me via letters/emails which I ignored and did not reply. Part of the reason was also my ex didn't like her at all and how she (ex ex) treated me back then (she was seeing someone esle and still wanted to have me around her).

 

Last week, ex ex emailed me and somehow I relented and replied her. And the next thing we are catching up on MSN and arranging for the dinner date. She even told me the bf was jealous about her meeting me (he's the guy that she left me for), talk about "What comes around, goes around".

 

I don't know how things will turn out, if we will be awkward during our conversation and such. But I'm still on the path of healing myself from my 2 mth old broken relationship. Perhaps seeking answer from our past might help me out understand myself. I have realised that part of the reason for the breakup was past demons haunting me from moving forward and giving my all in the relationship.

 

But whatever it is, I'm prepared to embark on a friendship trail with my ex ex. Wish me luck!

[lola59]

Maybe I shouldn't question the friendship. I'm happy to have it. Maybe it's me just hoping that he wants to be friends for other reasons than just being friends.

 

I don't know how the time will be spent. I'm hoping I'll have time to hang out with just him. I mean, it's been so long. I don't know if I'll ever be friends with her. I'll be nice and civil, but...I don't think friends is the answer in this situation.

 

One thing I don't understand is...she didn't know who I was. She didn't know until two weeks ago that I'm his ex-girlfriend. I don't know how he separated me from that. I have no idea who he said I was to her or how he knows me. He basically lied to her who I was for over a year. I realize that was for all of our sakes. And now she knows and it's my fault she does. But I'd rather her know before I get there, then having to find out when I'm there.

 

The only reason I'm weary about a friendship with his girlfriend is because of some things he told me months ago. He said that if I ever did visit him, not to tell her who I was because she'd kill me. And he told me that she hates any girl that has ever had anything to do with him. So, you can see my reluctance here. And I brought that up when he told me they were back together. And he said she's changed and she'd more laid back now...right...jealousy doesn't magically disappear like that. So...I don't know.

 

I just want to have a fun time, seeing an old friend. I don't want it to be awkward and weird and I don't want him to ditch me the whole time I'm there for her, when he's the reason I'm going there in the first place. Especially if I'm staying at his apartment. He has two roommates who I only met once a looooong time ago...so I hope he stays at his place while I'm there.

 

good luck, blackgoaty.

[rohini]

Originally posted by lola59

I'll be nice and civil, but...I don't think friends is the answer in this situation.

 

One thing I don't understand is...she didn't know who I was. She didn't know until two weeks ago that I'm his ex-girlfriend. I don't know how he separated me from that. I have no idea who he said I was to her or how he knows me. He basically lied to her who I was for over a year. I realize that was for all of our sakes. And now she knows and it's my fault she does. But I'd rather her know before I get there, then having to find out when I'm there.

 

The only reason I'm weary about a friendship with his girlfriend is because of some things he told me months ago. He said that if I ever did visit him, not to tell her who I was because she'd kill me. And he told me that she hates any girl that has ever had anything to do with him. So, you can see my reluctance here. And I brought that up when he told me they were back together. And he said she's changed and she'd more laid back now...right...jealousy doesn't magically disappear like that. So...I don't know.

 

I just want to have a fun time, seeing an old friend. I don't want it to be awkward and weird and I don't want him to ditch me the whole time I'm there for her, when he's the reason I'm going there in the first place. Especially if I'm staying at his apartment. He has two roommates who I only met once a looooong time ago...so I hope he stays at his place while I'm there.

 

good luck, blackgoaty.

 

kill is a very strong word i would be uncomfortable in that situation too. i wonder are you somehow in competition with her? because of that statement. or because you kinda want your ex back?

 

me personally i couldn't be comfortable if my boyfriends ex didn't want to be friends with me, because that would set off my jealousy button or actually i would think that i would know for sure then that they were more than just friends. and i agree with you, jealousy doesn't just go away and i would be concerned staying in a home with a pregnant woman (my sister is pregnant and and all her feelings are magnified by 100) who will cry and be very upset if you spend any significant time alone with your ex. that much jealousy! kill is a strong word, im scared and i don't even know this girl. you might not want to stay with them a fight between you and his girlfriend would put him in a situation where he would HAVE to choose between you and her. I don't know if you sound ready for having to find out what his decision would be. I even think that would happen with me if my b/f gave his ex special attention, denyed me my regular affection that he gives in front of everyone, or he spent any significant time alone with her upon our first meeting, and im willing to give my boyfriends ex a chance, but i think i would have to say "if you are more than just friends as youve demonstrated then i am not comfortable with your relationship" then he would either say "then we cannot have a relationship, or he would cut off contact with his friend." i don't like the idea of my boyfriend having to choose, because i like to think that if it came to it he made a committment with me and that being said he would choose me. no matter what. you have to show how your relationship is in the first meeting and you may have to find a way to not try to sneak him away or spend any significant time alone with him, thats just a sacrifice that may need to be made. well hmm.

 

how about this senario. say you do spend time alone together and nothing happens. then he calls you back and say he decides upon seeing you that he wants to persue a relationship with you again. and you do. and then one day after a year of living together his ex, whom he has a child with so she isn't going away either. wants to go have dinner to discuss their child. and then one day he forgets his phone and it rings and its her. and one day you are at dinner and she calls you. and then finally she wants to spend time at your house and spend time alone with him. what would you do? knowing what you know now.

 

when are you leaving?

[rohini]

Well my big question, and Lola's too is why do you want to have dinner with your ex? is it just for closure? or do you want to see if there is a chance to get back together? do you think an accident could happen and you could cheat with her, if say, you both decided not to leave your S/O's? i just didn't know exactly how to read your post. i don't think i could feel secure unless my b/f was able to tell me exactly what was going on. i do wish you luck, but would you want your ex g/f to meet your current g/f? why or why not?

[lola59]

I am leaving to visit him May 29. That is very soon. See, he doesn't live with her anymore. He has his own apartment that he shares with two roommates, which is where I will be staying. And I'm assuming he is going to stay at her place while I'm there, leaving me with people I don't know. Which will be very rude of him. But I can understand her discomfort. I think the reason she feels so threatened is because she is so young (20). And she sounds very jealous from those remarks. I really don't think there will even be opportunity for us to be alone. Even if there was, he wouldn't mess around with me. Granted we haven't seen each other in so long, so there still may be an attraction there, but he doesn't want to ruin anything that he has right now with her or our friendship.

 

You make a good point rohini. I guess I've never been in her or your position before. She would get upset if he spent time alone with me or showed her less affection. I really truly don't feel as though he would ever want to pursue a relationship again with me. Of course, I hope that he would, but it's not gonna happen. I'm not a homewrecker either. I would tell him he would have to break up with her first, if he ever wanted anything to happen with me. But that's never going to happen. He treats me like all of his other friends--guy friends; of course, we have a slightly different history, but...the more I think about it, the more I am realizing this is false hope I am having because he does not ever want to be with me again. I think the possibility was more likely when he was broken up with her and we initially planned my trip (a rebound type thing)...but of course they got back together.

 

BlackGoaty: rohini asks some very good questions. I am very curious to know your answers!

[sarah12]

lola, I think that before you go, you should think about the expectations you have going into this situation. It's not easy meeting up with an ex you still have feelings for, when you know he has a girlfriend, and when you know that he doesn't have feelings for you anymore. If it was a truly platonic friendship, then there should be no problem meeting with the girlfriend and hanging out with her too. Going there with the purpose of visiting him means seeing the people who are a significant part of his life as well -- the roommates, the girlfriend, etc. I think you have accepted the fact that he is with the girlfriend, but you want a chance to show him he's got a choice too. This is where it gets dangerous for you as you will likely be very hurt if you leave there without a piece of his heart.

 

Make sure you mentally prepare yourself for the situation to come, because given what you have told us here, there will definitely be tension between you and the girlfriend.

[rohini]

i hope that no matter what, it goes well lola. you deserve great friends, and also a great relationship. this may be an opportunity to add more people to the list of people that you care about. if i were you i would be upset if he told me she was jealous, but i also think that you may have an opportunity here, maybe not one that you thought initially, but a different one. if that makes sense. i thought before i left, or i was hoping that my post didn't sound like it was a homewrecker situation im sorry about that. what i meant was , take it slow. don't act so quickly or judge so quickly, and know exactly what you are getting into. there is no reason to leave or come back with any piece of your heart not intact.

[BlackGoaty]

Originally posted by rohini

Well my big question, and Lola's too is why do you want to have dinner with your ex? is it just for closure? or do you want to see if there is a chance to get back together?

 

Perhaps in a way, I'm seeking for answers/understanding to prevent my past demons from the last relationship to hurting the future one which it did big time for the one that I had just broken up. However the main reason was that I'm really touched by her, that for so many years, she didn't give up on trying to work this friendship despite my non-response for any emails/letters. I have always been friends with my exes but for this one, when it ended, I have decided not to continue any friendship as she had hurt me real bad then. I knew I am definitely over her and there's no way of getting back with her, not even a chance. In fact when I knew that her bf was unhappy about it, I told her I don't mind that she brought him along, it will ease him out a little if he comes along.

 

Do you think an accident could happen and you could cheat with her, if say, you both decided not to leave your S/O's? i just didn't know exactly how to read your post. i don't think i could feel secure unless my b/f was able to tell me exactly what was going on.

 

I guess whether to feel secure or not is between the ex and her bf. Well, I have always known that my ex ex is quite a big flirt so perhaps he's insecure about that? I always believe that trust and faith is the most important thing in a relationship. You can feel jealous but not insecure. Once you feel insecure in a relationship and don't try to reassure your other half, then its doomed for failure. I think my ex ex knows that I have just broken up with my gf that is why she's trying to reach out to me.

 

i do wish you luck, but would you want your ex g/f to meet your current g/f? why or why not?

 

Thanks! I would not mind my current g/f to meet up with the ex or staying as friends as long as you have trust and faith in them. In fact my ex has been friends with her ex bf and stayed in touch now and then after they broke up and I have no problem with it.

[lola59]

Thank you for your advice and support everyone! I appreciate it!

 

sarah12: you bring up some an interesting point. I didn't realize that's exactly what I want to show him...that he has another option. And I'm going to make an effort when meeting the people in his life. I kind of had a one track mind going. My focus was on him and only him. And that is why I've been discussing my situation and getting advice, so I can mentally prepare myself for the situation. And it sure has helped a lot.

 

rohini: no, I didn't think you were implying anything of the kind i.e. homewrecker!! And thank you for helping me to see just what it is that I am getting into. That's what I need.