paidraich Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 well it IS complicated... Out with some friends last Friday night, my wife is home, and the group is all at a local tavern. At the point I decided to leave, I offered my friend's wife a ride home, and well, it took a while to get there.... There had been considerable flirting between us for some time, it was always laughed off by our spouses as innocent fun. And when I asked her if she wanted a ride, I must have had just enough to drink to be brave enough to ask "i bet you'd like more than a ride home". She answered yes. And our the door we flew. It ended harmlessly, the deed wasn't done. The kissing and pawing doesn't count as cheating, right? At least by Bill Clinton's definition... So she's never been with another man in her life (17 years married). I'm going on 20, and my wife is happily disinterested. In me, or sex with me. She's become asexual over the last 10 years, and it doesn't bother her, despite my pleadings. So for me and my friend's wife, we're both feeling 'needy'. I haven't stopped thinking about her, and I'm going bonkers trying to manufacture ways of getting near her. In 3 days I've seen her twice in public and we at least managed to confirm that we're ok with the Friday night encounter. I'm not so much as looking for advice, as much as needing to tell someone my tale. Please spare me the ridicule. I know I'm headed to a bad place here. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 Well, as you did not solicit advice, I will refrain from dispensing any. I would warn you, however, that this does have the potential for disaster. You are hurting not only your "asexual" wife, but your best freind as well. As they say, with friends like these, who needs enemas? Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 I know I'm headed to a bad place here You don't know the half of it. Understand that you aren't looking for advice, but that kinda happens here. The kissing and pawing doesn't count as cheating, right? If your wife and her husband are okay with it, I guess. I think you need to do a little more communicating with your wife, perhaps with a marriage counselor also. Your OW needs to chat with her husband also. Don't hurt these innocent people more than you already have. Read some of the other threads on here. Cranium http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/ Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 Obviously in your head the kissing and groping really isn't cheating...So what is cheating to you? How would YOU feel if your wife and your OW's husband groped and kissed? How would you feel? Would you feel she cheated on you? Answer all these honestly - Then maybe you'll figure out wtf you're about to do is just WRONG. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckbloke Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 dude - take it from someone who has cheated... even if you two are destined to fall in love and are soulmates, it's still not worth doing this while you're still both with someone. get help for your marriages, and if they don't work out, then divorce and THEN go on your first date. but don't do anything until you've done those things. you're on the edge of a precipice and everything will feel good, but it's a cast iron banker bet that it will cause chaos Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 I dare you to "kiss and paw" at this woman in front of your Wife and her Husband.......I'll bet THEY would say it's cheating. You didiot................you're in for some BIG trouble. Keep it in your pants or your wife might cut it off!!! bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 It ended harmlessly, the deed wasn't done. The kissing and pawing doesn't count as cheating, right? Don't be stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 I'm going on 20, and my wife is happily disinterested. In me, or sex with me. She's become asexual over the last 10 years, and it doesn't bother her, despite my pleadings. So for me and my friend's wife, we're both feeling 'needy'. You say you're not looking for advice? Well, you're gonna get it anyway. You say your wife is disinterested in you? WHY? Do you treat her well? Do you tell her you love her? Do you find her sexy, desirable and loving? Do you talk with your wife? Cuddle and have close intimate talks? Do you care? You say you've been married for 20 years...Is this the first time you've 'not cheated' on your wife? Dazed is right. You're being stupid. HELLO! Why not talk to your wife and FIX the problems instead of "NOT cheating" with somebody else...Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 16, 2005 Share Posted May 16, 2005 About this one-sided 'happily sexless' part... after the pleading stopped: 1. Does your wife know about your sexual needs and that you are not happy in a sexless marriage? 2. Does your wife really expect you to remain happy and monogamous in a sexless marriage, when for you, sex is a necessary part of loving and sharing intimacy with someone? 3. Does your wife even care that you have sexual needs? 4. Is your sexual attraction/drive/need for your wife gone? If a person is turned down enough for sex, then the person retrains themself, out of necessity - to not want to have sex with that person anymore. Has this happened to you? If you answer "I don't know" to any of these - then you really, really need to sit down and talk with her about this. If you are giving her the impression that you are perfectly happy in this sexually dead marriage, then she will be knocked off her rocker when she finds out that you are cheating on her. For all she knows, she may not even be aware that you have sexual needs anymore, much less that you are getting them met elsewhere! If she is complacent and sex is not on her marital priority list, she may assume that its the same for you, too and that you have adjusted to and grown happy and content with your marriage sans sex. If you are caught, she won't see it as you getting your sexual/intimacy needs met elsewhere - she won't understand that you are a sexually lonely man who wants more than anything to just be wanted again - she will see it as a guy who was perfectly happy in his sexually dead marriage until the OW came around and snatched him up out of his home and brainwashed him into wanting crazy wild sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 Hello, I noticed that you failed to mention how your "good friend" would feel about what you have done with his wife. Is that how you respect and treat a "good friend"? There is a code among friends and it is known as respect. After kissing and pawing the wife of your "good friend" you are now thinking of ways to get with her again. Please do not call him a "good friend" because a person of character would never be doing what you are doing to a "good friend". The bottom line is that with a "good friend" like you he now has no need for enemies. You are the worst type of friend imaginable. You are a back stabbing and selfish individual. Does it bother you in the least that you may be involved in breaking up the marriage of your "good friend"? The first definition of the word friend according to Webster's Dictionary is "one attached to another by affection or esteem". The definition of the word enemy is : one seeking to injure, overthrow or confound an oppoinent...something harmful or deadly." Which one sounds closest to you? Link to post Share on other sites
MiChick43 Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 You say your best friend and your wife are okay with all the flirting. Ever entertain the idea that THEY are having an affair? And how would you feel about that? Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by MiChick43 You say your best friend and your wife are okay with all the flirting. Ever entertain the idea that THEY are having an affair? And how would you feel about that? Hmmm, if what you say is correct, perhaps a permanent trade can be arranged. Link to post Share on other sites
Mindfull Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I got to tell you, I completely get where you are at. Emotionally, I am in the same boat. In describing your marriage, you described mine. I know what you are going through, despite never having carried out my own thoughts or desires. I feel that I am in a "roomate" situation. I have suggested counseling. I have got angry and frustrated. I have been overly accomodating. I have tried what seems like everything, but still end up in the same place. I am not so much looking for the physical part, but just the attention that any person craves. I don't want a divorce, but do want to feel like I mean something to someone. I want my feelings for another returned, want good communication and not a laundry list of the days events or to-do lists. About the physical stuff. I doubt that I could do it, but think of it too much to do any good. I get emails, phone calls from past girlfriends and friends. I know I am a good catch, I just wish my other half would see what others tell me they see. I don't have any advice. I know you weren't looking for any. But, I know too well what you are going through. Link to post Share on other sites
MiChick43 Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Problem solved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author paidraich Posted May 19, 2005 Author Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by MiChick43 You say your best friend and your wife are okay with all the flirting. Ever entertain the idea that THEY are having an affair? And how would you feel about that? as unlikely as it may be, I can't play the double standard. As 'wrong' as what I'm entertaining is, that certainly wouldn't be right. Mindfull is right, there's a lot to be said about the physical part, and the manufacturing of the events needed to take place to fulfill the gfantasy. But the attention has been welcome. Lots of feelings and emotions, fear, excitement, anticipation. The situation is evolving. I'll come back for continued condemnation as this "thing" progresses. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by paidraich as unlikely as it may be, I can't play the double standard. As 'wrong' as what I'm entertaining is, that certainly wouldn't be right. Mindfull is right, there's a lot to be said about the physical part, and the manufacturing of the events needed to take place to fulfill the gfantasy. But the attention has been welcome. Lots of feelings and emotions, fear, excitement, anticipation. The situation is evolving. I'll come back for continued condemnation as this "thing" progresses. NEITHER situation is RIGHT. Two wrongs don't make a right! The thing "progresses..." yet you CAN stop it at anytime. NOONE is holding a gun to your head and saying CHEAT, HURT innocent people while you gain the affection, attention, excitement, live out your fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 So I'm guessing that it would be o.k. for your wife to f*ck the other man? If I was your wife? What's good for the goose is good for the gander..... bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
only1life Posted May 23, 2005 Share Posted May 23, 2005 Originally posted by paidraich The situation is evolving. I'll come back for continued condemnation as this "thing" progresses. You think all these comments are condemnation? These people are just trying to help you and stop you from doing something that we have learned is a really really bad idea! Just wait until you try and repair the damage you're doing to your marriage! THEN YOU'LL FEEL CONDEMNATION! You're playing a cheap, selfish game with four people's lives. Some friend you are. You have a problem with your wife? Fix it, don't make it worse. Link to post Share on other sites
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