Tiredofthis5 Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 I need help. I am very hurt. I have been common law married (per court papers) to my husband for 5 months. We did it for insurance purposes (already engaged) but are thinking of a real wedding next year. Many times my husband introduces me to people as his wife....other times fiancé. He doesn’t wear a ring, but of course..I do. Last night we were at a party and a n acquaintance of mine was whisphering in his ear as we were leaving. It was weird. He was leaving and I asked what was she whisphering to you about...because he was was laughing hysterically! Like HYSTERICALLY as we walked out. He said she called us “newly weds”. I said why is that so funny? He said well she's insane. We aren't married! I said well you introduce me that way a lot... So what is so funny? He said are we married? I said Ummm I thought we were …in many ways. But, who cares. Why is that so funny??? He kept laughing. I asked again. He said that she’s insane to call us newlyweds. I took offense — I said you are laughing so hard -is it a joke to be married to me? He said I was being ridiculous and that he didn't know I was spreading the rumor that I was married. I was stunned. He got angry and then told me he was leaving me and taking off for home. (we were an hour away from home). So he was leaving me! I started crying and said that there are plenty of people who would be proud to be married to me. He told me to go find them! He was done. He never left but told me that he was going to call police on me because I was yelling at him. So I started walking away. He said again he was going home and leaving me stranded. He now tells me he loves me and adores me and he cant believe I like to pick fights like that and ruin our relationship. What am I to think? Sent from my iPhone Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 I have no idea what you mean by 'common Law' married. Is this marriage recognised as a legal binding union by your country's laws? In the UK, there is no such thing as a Common law marriage, even though people think there is, or there should be. The fact is, unless you go through a legally-binding procedure in a registry office or Designated place of marriage, there is no legally-binding union. So I'm afraid you'll have to clarify what that means.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredofthis5 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 (edited) The law in some states shows that if you live with someone for a certain period of time ...you are legally married. It requires a divorce if you leave each other. The other thing is at this party he told a woman friend of mine (in front of me) that he's "well hung" Edited September 19, 2015 by Tiredofthis5 Link to post Share on other sites
clam Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 I have no idea what you mean by 'common Law' married. Is this marriage recognised as a legal binding union by your country's laws? If she's in the U.S. nine states stil recognize common law marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 So, how long have you two been together, in total....? (I just did some research, and there are 9 states in the USA that recognise 'Common Law' marriages as a valid union....) I get it now.... That does NOT imply that I want, or need, to know where you live.... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 If she's in the U.S. nine states stil recognize common law marriage. Yes, sorry, I was typing as you posted..... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 If the only reason you sought to get a legal contract was for insurance purposes, and he's treating you like this... Well, I know what I'd do in your shoes, insurance or NO insurance.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredofthis5 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 No I love him. And wanted to marry him. But we planned to do it next spring. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 I'm awfully sorry, but I get the impression from what you have said (and admittedly, it's not that much) that he doesn't view this relationship in the same serious light you do. He seems to be more flippant and less committed... You still haven't actually said how long you guys have been together, but much as you may love him, it seems it doesn't take much to make his thoughts stray elsewhere.... If you're 100% absolutely certain of his intentions, and that he DOES love you as much as you love him, and he is AS committed and dedicated as you are - then you'd have to ask yourself exactly what prompted you to post.... But I get the impression that you have a subliminal fear that he's not 'in this to win this'..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredofthis5 Posted September 19, 2015 Author Share Posted September 19, 2015 I believe he loves me and wants to be married. But I posted because I felt he was being verbally abusive and I wondered if I was over reaching. Link to post Share on other sites
beanie66f Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 So just to clarify. You have court papers from your state indicating you are in a common law marriage and you are currently engaged to be married with a date next year? Because his response and reaction as you posted seems to indicate he thinks you aren't married. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Had he been drinking? Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Until you have a marriage, you're not married. Keep it simple. If he wants to marry you, if he calls you his wife.. make it happen. He came back and is very sorry, this a perfect time to get it sorted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Sounds like a drunken fight starting with him being silly & laughing innocently with that woman & ending with him over reacting to you bursting his bubble & giving him a hard time. Not being there it's hard to tell. Were you feeling a bit offended by his 'well hung' comment from earlier in the night. Do you dislike, not trust that woman he was talking to? Things like that can be meaningless OR offensive depending on the situation & the individual involved. Does he often react badly to critism? Is he a flirt? Do you have reasons to doubt his character around women? This all clearly struck a nerve with you. I guess the big questions are... Is this your head mess? Are you very sensitive? If so, is it because of your past relationships OR is it because of HIM? You're not married yet. This is the right time to be asking questions & analyzing your relationship. Good for you! Too many people jump into marriage & then live to regret it. Love is blind but that doesn't mean you should allow yourself to be blinded. Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 If any guy, fiancé, husband blew up at and threatened to leave me somewhere after such a ridiculous fight I would probably (a) break up (b) postpone engagement © demand immediate counselling or (d) separate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 ugh. sounds like he is either pretty immature or he was drinking a lot. you are stuck in the classic situation, instead of living by yourself and dating him as you get to know your fiancé....you already live with him. now you have to decide if you want to go back and sleep with that abusive guy, or pack up your stuff and leave--possibly sending a way bigger message than you would have had to if you were not living with him. do you have any relatives or friends you could move in with. if so, I would consider doing so, and "dating" him up until the marriage. and the time of the marriage might be pushed out long enough for you to be really sure of this move. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Despite all advice encouraging you to leave this guy, you went through with the common law marriage? Did you have enough money to get home if you'd needed it, or is he still confiscating all of your cash? This guy is a dangerous control freak. You've been together just over a year now, IIRC? Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 You are in an abusive relationship. What he did is domestic violence disguised as emotional abuse please seek help from your nearest domestic violence support group. Please leave him and run for your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I believe he loves me and wants to be married. But I posted because I felt he was being verbally abusive and I wondered if I was over reaching. No he doesn't he's an abusive jerk. Abusers always try to blame their victim ....it's called projection. They don't want to be respondsible for their bad behaviour so they blame the person who they have already hurt. Google 'emotional abuse' learn more about this control tactic in domestic violence. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Well, I've never had someone who supposedly 'loves' me treat me like sh*t - laughing at the prospect of being married to me, humiliating me in public, and then threatening to call the cops on me. This guy is such a disrespectful douche bag. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 A common law marriage is a legal marriage, and he has referred to you as his wife before. I don't think he was laughing about the two of you being newlyweds. I think she whispered something that he didn't want you to know about. When you questioned him about it, he made something up on the spot. Then he started spouting of non-sense in order to defend his lie. He got mad at you because he didn't have an honest way to explain himself. There is a number of things he did that night that seem really dumb and immature. You're presenting us with tales from one night, when you've probably been living with this guy for years. It's hard to advise anything without knowing more. If this is all atypical of him, he may have drunk too much on that particular night. You may just need to have a discussion with him about laying off the alcohol. If this is the way he typically is, then you've got much bigger issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 I think you have a rough life ahead of you if you stay with this jerk. Nobody should threaten to abandon their partner like that. Then he turned it around to blame you? Total loser. The "I'm hung" comments are also childish and could only have been said to impress other women. You need to know your legal status as a couple. If your state recognizes common law marriage, then you are married. End of story. It sounds to me like he is looking to either have an affair or break up, so he is minimizing your relationship status. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredofthis5 Posted September 20, 2015 Author Share Posted September 20, 2015 Well, it got worse last night. I am wondering if I am a problem or if I'm just a typical victim of abuse...blaming myself. We agreed to put the fight behind us and we went out to dinner and then to a local bar for a couple of drinks. One of the guys he met the night before showed ho. He's 24. I'm 40. My husband is 45. I didn't like the guy but I was polite. As we were ranking I discovered this guy knows an old co worker of mine. He said let's take a picture so I can send it to him and say hi! The guy (coworker) is gay. I said sure. But I knew after he snapped one selfie with me my husband would get jealous. So I interrupted his convo and asked him to join me for the picture. He smiled and took the picture. Then 5 minutes later he was furious with me. He accused me of wanting the 24 year old jerk. I explained no...he knows my old do worker. And I pulled U into the picture! He demanded we leave and he was yelling at me down the street in a crowd of people. I begged him to stop. I reached out to hug him and he said he wasn't playing that game with me. Then in this crowd of people on the sidewalk he screamed that I was embarrassing him and I stopped saying anything. I just sped up my pace. He then said that my taking a picture with that guy will make look like a whore. He was also mad the guy texted the picture to me. Which my husband was in! There were 2 photos that didn't have him in there. But they were just to up to my old co worker. Did I do something wrong here?? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Well, it got worse last night. ..... ....Did I do something wrong here?? Yes. But it was long before last night. you need to end this. Sooner rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tiredofthis5 Posted September 20, 2015 Author Share Posted September 20, 2015 Seriously... Please tell me if there is anything here that I did wrong. He makes it out that I'm insane and my behavior is what's causing our fights. I don't understand why we are constantly having these problems. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
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