He almost left me stranded!

[losangelena]

I need help. I am very hurt. I have been common law married (per court papers) to my husband for 5 months. We did it for insurance purposes (already engaged) but are thinking of a real wedding next year.

 

Many times my husband introduces me to people as his wife....other times fiancé. He doesn’t wear a ring, but of course..I do.

 

Last night we were at a party and a n acquaintance of mine was whisphering in his ear as we were leaving. It was weird. He was leaving and I asked what was she whisphering to you about...because he was was laughing hysterically! Like HYSTERICALLY as we walked out.

 

He said she called us “newly weds”. I said why is that so funny? He said well she's insane. We aren't married! I said well you introduce me that way a lot... So what is so funny? He said are we married? I said Ummm I thought we were …in many ways. But, who cares. Why is that so funny??? He kept laughing. I asked again. He said that she’s insane to call us newlyweds. I took offense — I said you are laughing so hard -is it a joke to be married to me?

 

He said I was being ridiculous and that he didn't know I was spreading the rumor that I was married. I was stunned.

 

He got angry and then told me he was leaving me and taking off for home. (we were an hour away from home).

 

So he was leaving me! I started crying and said that there are plenty of people who would be proud to be married to me. He told me to go find them! He was done.

 

He never left but told me that he was going to call police on me because I was yelling at him. So I started walking away. He said again he was going home and leaving me stranded.

 

He now tells me he loves me and adores me and he cant believe I like to pick fights like that and ruin our relationship.

 

What am I to think?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

OP, do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life?

 

If not, then I would start making your own plans to leave.

[Tiredofthis5]

I don't want the constant fights. Of course not. But I'm asking if there is anything wrong with my behavior that's causing this. I love him. But I'm exhausted from the fighting. Is it me? Should I be more passive?

[losangelena]

I don't want the constant fights. Of course not. But I'm asking if there is anything wrong with my behavior that's causing this. I love him. But I'm exhausted from the fighting. Is it me? Should I be more passive?

 

No, you should not be more passive. You should be more assertive. It drives people like him (abusive, manipulative) away.

 

I was in a strange, codependent, emotionally abuse relationship for a couple of years in my 20s. I would bend over backwards for him, do nothing but treat him well, and he would be so vicious. Then I started asserting myself, and refused to put up with his BS, and soon he was complaining that I was pressuring him. Yeah, right.

 

It's hard to see sometimes, when we're in the muck and mire, but based on this one thread alone, it seems as if this man is jerking you around. To accuse of you starting arguments is emotionally manipulative.

 

To answer your question directly, I don't think what you do matters. You can't win with a person like this. He will ding you for being too passive, or too aggressive. But if I were you I wouldn't take any more of his shyt.

[mrs rubble]

Well, it got worse last night. I am wondering if I am a problem or if I'm just a typical victim of abuse...blaming myself.

 

We agreed to put the fight behind us and we went out to dinner and then to a local bar for a couple of drinks. One of the guys he met the night before showed ho. He's 24. I'm 40. My husband is 45. I didn't like the guy but I was polite. As we were ranking I discovered this guy knows an old co worker of mine. He said let's take a picture so I can send it to him and say hi! The guy (coworker) is gay. I said sure. But I knew after he snapped one selfie with me my husband would get jealous. So I interrupted his convo and asked him to join me for the picture. He smiled and took the picture. Then 5 minutes later he was furious with me. He accused me of wanting the 24 year old jerk. I explained no...he knows my old do worker. And I pulled U into the picture!

 

He demanded we leave and he was yelling at me down the street in a crowd of people. I begged him to stop. I reached out to hug him and he said he wasn't playing that game with me. Then in this crowd of people on the sidewalk he screamed that I was embarrassing him and I stopped saying anything. I just sped up my pace. He then said that my taking a picture with that guy will make look like a whore. He was also mad the guy texted the picture to me. Which my husband was in! There were 2 photos that didn't have him in there. But they were just to up to my old co worker.

 

Did I do something wrong here??

I had you picked at much younger (both of you!!) His bahaviour is childish, tantrum throwing type carry on. At your age, I'd have thought you'd be past putting up with rubbish like that.

 

Your only fault in this is being naive and allowing it to continue.

 

He's not going to change. Either harden up or make your escape plan.

From the way you're writing, my pick is you'll put up with it because you love him.

 

So until you grow some nuts, nothing will change.

[ShatteredLady]

No really knowing much about your situation I tried to make excuses/find some reasoning behind your 'fight' after the party. The more you say the more worried I am about you!!!

 

Exactly how much more passive can you be!!! A guy, INFRONT of your H asked to take a photo for a GAY old friend-coworker & rather than thinking of the fun of reconnecting with this GAY guy your brain automatically went into panic mode!! No-one should be living with that kind of stress. That's ABUSE!! Pushing you away & shouting at you in public is ABUSE!!

 

I understand what your poor mind is going through. I was always one of those strong women who always thought "Just LEAVE! Why would any self-respecting woman allow themselves to be treated like that?". That was until I found myself in a similar position to you.

 

Women don't wake-up one day & decide to be the victim of abuse. It's one little step, followed by another little step. It's being told "It's all your fault!" & "You're CRAZY!" & the "I love you!" that step by step turns you into this self-doubting, abused victim.

 

One day I was in a Blockbuster with my H. I walked away from the counter because I knew I couldn't stop the tears & I was embarrassed. A complete stranger had been watching me & my H since we entered the shop. She followed me & secretly handed me a piece of paper. It was the contact information for a abused women's rescue group!! She had written "I know :-(".

A COMPLETE STRANGER could see what I couldn't anymore. I had become 'Abuse Blind'. That happens. My mind got stuck on "How can I be better? How can I stop upsetting him? What's wrong with me?"

 

You are ABUSE BLIND!!

 

I know ;-(

[Tiredofthis5]

Yes, I have seen some of the signs during my reading...

 

I am also struggling because he controls all my money too. The bank account he transfers my pay deposits to... He won't give me access to. My credit isn't great, so he told me that he would open one for "us" but he only leaves a couple hundred in there. The rest of my check goes directly into HIS account.

 

So, I need to start hiding money. But he's so sharp, I can't get anything past him. He went through my purse the other day and saw I had cash (from a clothing return) but he got skeptical about me "hiding cash".

 

I am feeling very low tonight.

[beanie66f]

Yes, I have seen some of the signs during my reading...

 

I am also struggling because he controls all my money too. The bank account he transfers my pay deposits to... He won't give me access to. My credit isn't great, so he told me that he would open one for "us" but he only leaves a couple hundred in there. The rest of my check goes directly into HIS account.

 

So, I need to start hiding money. But he's so sharp, I can't get anything past him. He went through my purse the other day and saw I had cash (from a clothing return) but he got skeptical about me "hiding cash".

 

I am feeling very low tonight.

 

What??!!! Good lord woman. Go to work. Cancel the direct deposit. Tell hR to cut you a check to be mailed to work and go to a different bank and open up a checking account!!!! This is not the Victorian age!!! Women fought long and hard to be able to get bank accounts and credit. It wasn't that long ago that a woman needed her husband to get a credit card!

 

You owe it to yourself and all the women that came before you to be in control of your own finances. This guy has serious issues. You need to make a plan and leave.

[SeasideMermaid]

Time to reach out to a domestic violence center to extricate yourself. The selfie thing I think was a bit dumb. He overreacted but I don't get a 40 year old woman taking bar selfies with 20 somethings and it sounds like you both got into a drunken fight. Flipping out about him laughing at a newlywed comment again sounds like a dumb drunk fight where you both overreacted.

 

The money thing is crap though and a sign things are off. He's taking your money which clearly makes it hard to get out of this mutually abusive relationship.

[beanie66f]

And you don't need to hide anything!!! It's your damn paycheck! Tell him that! If he doesn't like it... He can leave!

[SeasideMermaid]

Most guys won't be thrilled with a woman who openly sets aside cash to finance getting out. So yeah, hiding an escape fund isn't a bad idea. After a marriage there isn't hers and his paycheck anymore. So she can't really say "it's mine F off."

[MidwestUSA]

Yes, I have seen some of the signs during my reading...

 

I am also struggling because he controls all my money too. The bank account he transfers my pay deposits to... He won't give me access to. My credit isn't great, so he told me that he would open one for "us" but he only leaves a couple hundred in there. The rest of my check goes directly into HIS account.

 

So, I need to start hiding money. But he's so sharp, I can't get anything past him. He went through my purse the other day and saw I had cash (from a clothing return) but he got skeptical about me "hiding cash".

 

I am feeling very low tonight.

 

Have you gotten into therapy as we discussed before?

 

Besides controlling your money, what has he done regarding your son? Has he forbid you seeing him?

[losangelena]

Yes, I have seen some of the signs during my reading...

 

I am also struggling because he controls all my money too. The bank account he transfers my pay deposits to... He won't give me access to. My credit isn't great, so he told me that he would open one for "us" but he only leaves a couple hundred in there. The rest of my check goes directly into HIS account.

 

So, I need to start hiding money. But he's so sharp, I can't get anything past him. He went through my purse the other day and saw I had cash (from a clothing return) but he got skeptical about me "hiding cash".

 

I am feeling very low tonight.

 

Girl, what?

 

Can please explain how/why you agreed to this arrangement? I don't even understand how he could do that without consent. This sounds insane to me.

 

I also can't see how you put up with this. Bottom line—it's not okay!

[beanie66f]

Most guys won't be thrilled with a woman who openly sets aside cash to finance getting out. So yeah, hiding an escape fund isn't a bad idea. After a marriage there isn't hers and his paycheck anymore. So she can't really say "it's mine F off."

 

His/hers paycheck.... That would be true if they both had access to the funds. OP is stating he is controlling the account, therefore she doesn't have access to it. In this case, there is no His and Hers... its HIS... her earnings are being deposited to an account she does not have free access to. That in my opinion is a HUGE HUGE problem.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

OP, have you ever lived on your own as an adult, without someone else paying the bills, including roommates?

 

 

Do you have a trusted friend or family member? If so, you can both get a safe deposit box. Have the bank account in your family member or friends name, so the courts can't find it. Don't use the same bank as you have now. When setting up the safe deposit box, have it made so both people need to be present to access the box. Cash your paychecks, even if you get charged a fee & put them in the safe deposit box, in their entirety. Don't take a dollar out. Claim that there must be a problem with the bank as you gave them the whole check. In no time you will have a nice move out fund, if you ever get the strength to leave him. I kinda get the idea that you are too far gone & enjoy the suffering. You probably don't want to leave him, just be told you are right. That mindset is not going to help you in life.

[Tiredofthis5]

Yes, it is a huge problem because I feel trapped. When he threatened to leave me the other night at the party... I realized ... He's going to get into HIS car and I only have a credit card ... That he could shut down at anytime.

 

I think that's why I really freaked out and got upset. He was leaving me...the next day he told me that he would NEVER do that... He was just trying to get my attention. I said WHY would you say that then? How hurtful.

 

I couldn't sleep last night. All I could think about was how off course my life and morals are. I spend all weekend going out with him... drinking and getting felt up by him in public everywhere we go at night. Him telling my friend that he's well hung and then laughing hysterically at the idea that a very attractive acquaintance of mine thinks we are newly married. So funny! (Not). Then when I simply say ... I don't understand what's so funny... He turns into "are we married in a ceremony??" "I didn't know you are spreading that rumor". (Even though he's told his colleagues that I'm his wife!"

 

And THAT turns into him screaming at me down the sidewalk and telling me he's going to leave me there. AND when I start running away from the crowd in tears...he says he's going to call security on me because he's friends with the chief of police there.

 

And now? He's just worried and scared this morning that I'm going to leave him. "You don't look happy.. I don't know why you can't just be happy.." "Why aren't you kissing me and holding me close (in the car) like you used to?"

 

This morning leaving for work... He told me he was sick to his stomach because he felt that I'm up to something. I'm not my normal self.

 

He's right. And I don't even know how to get me back right now.

[Diezel]

Definitely sounds like you are just married for JUST insurance purposes.

 

You might want to revisit the idea of this whole relationship. Sounds like you two are in two completely different universes.

[Tiredofthis5]

We aren't ..just for insurance purposes. I know he loves me very much. He was crying this am .. Telling me how much I mean to him and he can't wait to be married in a pretty ceremony to me.

 

It's just anytime I question HIS behavior... He turns into this angry defensive man. He doesn't like me questioned or told he is wrong.

 

 

 

 

Definitely sounds like you are just married for JUST insurance purposes.

 

You might want to revisit the idea of this whole relationship. Sounds like you two are in two completely different universes.

[Diezel]

Ready to spend a lifetime of you not questioning his behavior, then?

[TaraMaiden2]

We aren't ..just for insurance purposes. I know he loves me very much.

Carry on believing this, and you're doomed for ever.

 

SURE he 'loves' you. Just not in the way he should. He 'loves' you because it keeps you with him. Every bullying abuser needs a willing victim. So he says just enough to make you question your own thought-processes, confuse you - and keep you stuck exactly where you are. That way, he will always have you to control, dominate, subdue and overwhelm.

 

Sounds like he has done a really good job on you...

 

He was crying this am .. Telling me how much I mean to him and he can't wait to be married in a pretty ceremony to me.

Which will make it so much harder for you to extricate yourself from this union.

IF you marry him - IF - I for one, really don't want to hear about it on this forum.

After all the counsel you've received, you're even still thinking of doing this...

 

amazing....

 

It's just anytime I question HIS behavior... He turns into this angry defensive man. He doesn't like me questioned or told he is wrong.

Well of course not!! NO abuser likes to be called out on their behaviour! They can do no wrong, and you'd better start believing it! Of course it's ALL your fault, he's not to blame for anything! Better to deflect and project and get YOU to carry the can, take the blame and be totally bewildered by everything.... you're far easier to control, then....