When do I finally get over this divorce?

[Mggreen]

He was my first boyfriend, my first a lot of things. We got married after dating for only 4 months. It was things crazy stupid romantic whirlwind…or so I thought. About 5 months into our marriage I found out that he lied about almost everything - his childhood, his parents divorce, his relationship history. When I found out I was devastated - especially since I found out from meeting his family and going to his home. He never directly confessed to lying, I had to find out from his family members.

 

His excuse for all his lies were that he knew how much I hated liars so didn’t want to tell me the truth. That if he had been honest about himself I wouldn’t have married him. This is an excuse he repeated throughout the course of our marriage.

 

I wanted to leave, but we were married. We loved each other. He wasn’t hitting me so the fabrication of his childhood was hardly a reason to end a marriage and my first relationship. Right? Things would get better? Wrong. They got worse and our relationship spiraled into emotional abuse, and him wanting to be a kid (his words, not mine).

 

I really loved him. A lot. As messed up as he was, in spite of his being an a-hole. Maybe it was because he was so beautiful? Maybe because I’ve always gravitated towards people who life has treated cruelly?

 

I tried hard to make our marriage work. After 3 years I was done. February I told him I was leaving and would move in with my best friend. That we clearly didn’t want the same things out of life, and that he did not want to be married. That he treated me like crap, and ignored me. That it would be better to end things on good terms than let things get worse. He begged me not to leave him. He promised to be better, that we could start trying to have a baby and buy a house. I believed him.

 

3 months later he wants a divorce. He’s decided that he doesn’t want to be a dad or a husband. He won’t be ready to have kids for 10 years, and by then I’ll be too old (his words). He told me I had 2 months to move out. I packed my bags and left. I felt sad but relieved. A few weeks later my best friend told me she had been sleeping with my husband, and she wasn’t the only one. I went from being relieved to totally shattered. I started no contact the moment I found out about the cheating. I cut her off as well.

 

It’s been 4 months and I’ve went through many phases of grief. I’m sitting here in depression, and I just want this to be over. I want this sadness to be done. I have no love left for him, or her. I’m so done with them, and disgusted by them. So when does it stop hurting?

 

When can I get to the place where I move on, find a good guy and forget my a-hole ex?

[loveboid]

When? Now.

 

Here's an exercise. Imagine you're standing on a dock. At the end of the dock is the ocean with a sunset at the horizon. You see a box at your feet. You put whatever about your ex you don't want anymore inside this box, seal it, and push it off the dock watching it float toward the sunset where it disappears forever.

Edited September 20, 2015 by loveboid
grammar

[learning to breathe]

h:eek:i Mggreen

where do i begin? i am so sorry that you have gone through what you have. i cannot even imagine what you are going through.

 

i am going through a divorce, however my story is a little different because my husband hasnt physically cheated on me....

 

i feel for you and the way to deal with this is to deal with everything day by day. one thing at a time. that is what i have been doing. each day i write one thing i need to work on, on a sticky note and i pray about it and read articles about the specific topic if available.

 

IMO i feel like a divorce should be, its so weird my husband said the same thing to me about him being a kid and he would always talk about his past and how he never got anything when he was a kid and how he was upset at that and how no one loved him and a lot of that and how he deeply felt about that.

 

i tried the whole time to figure out why he would abuse me but he would never explain why.

 

i promise things will spiral and get worse from here before they get better, it has been a roiler coaster ride, but eventually it will get better. you deserve better remember that. even though all of these horrible things have happened dont give up. it is easy to give up and guess what people never remember those who do. dont be one of them.

 

stay strong hun. you can do it. and im sure many others here understand what you are going through.

 

xoxo.

learning to breathe.

Edited September 20, 2015 by learning to breathe

[Mggreen]

Thank you for the kind responses.

 

Loveboid: That sounds like a really good exercise.

 

Learning to breathe: I'm sorry to read that you're going through something similar. Day by day, huh?

 

Grief is so exhausted and consuming. And annoying because he's not even close to worth it. I wish there was a clear timeline for this process.