I need a female's opinion. But anyone's is appreciated. Is my situation hopeless?

[David]

Basically, to sum up a lot, I'll just say I'm in love. I'm 20, and I'm from Cincinnati, Ohio and going to college in Savannah, Georgia.

 

This girl I fell for, Kelly, I've known since 7th grade, but we didn't actually become good friends until this past December when I visited home for Winter break. The whole month of December I never said anything to her about my feelings, for the fact that I didn't want to take a chance in ruining the friendship, and I just really wanted to get to know her better. That and I'm really shy when it comes to making those kinds of moves.

 

Well, during that time in December, plans were made so she would come to Georgia and visit during spring break. And she did come down. My roomate and I took Kelly to the airport today so she could catch her flight back home.

 

I've talked to many people, trying to get advice on what to do, so obviously my roommates knew about my crush. One of my roommates, Erin, always joked that if she got the chance, she was gonna say something to Kelly when she got down here. When I wasn't around, she did.

 

I can tell you that this whole time, even since December I knew that Kelly might only see me as just a friend. So it wasn't a surprize that one day when I went to the restroom, Erin approached Kelly and asked her if she ever thought about dating me. And I was told that her response was that she never really thought about it, seeing that we were good friends and all.

 

So now there's a pretty good chance that Kelly know's I like her. Spring break went okay. It didn't seem like Kelly was uncomfortable around me or anything because of it, so I guess I'm in the clear and the friendship will still be pretty tight. But I don't know if I should say anything to her or not. Would it be good to just wait and see if she approaches me about it? Or would it be good to take my own action?

 

I know that long distance relationships are normally not so good, and are pretty stupid to try and jump into. But to be with this girl I think I would do anything. I've never been so amazed with a single person as I am with her. Even with my ex girlfriends, I never felt this intrigued, I've never admired somebody as much as this.

 

We seem to talk about everything. What our life dreams are, our problems, opinions and our fears. It seems like our lives are so similar, and we understand so much more about each other than others do.

 

She's such a caring person, that she tends to put other's in higher priority than herself. Her faith in God is one thing that really attracts me. And I'm not a very religious person. Jeez! when she came down here, she had a gift for me. It was this little stuffed bunny that she said I had to leave on my bed. She told me that since we both seem to understand each other and how school and life gets us both down sometimes, that whenever I start to feel this way, I should look at this bunny and remember that "I am some-bunny special." Maybe that sounds corny, but that's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. Just because it was so loving. All these things just make me want to pursue her more.

 

I read that Message that was posted by Tony for GOKU. About meeting girls and making platonic friendships. But what happens if you fall for that platonic friend? Wouldn't such a friendship be a means to a better relationship? I'm stuck on what to do. She's gone, and I don't know if the right thing to do would be to say something to her about it or just wait until I see her for summer break. Is pursuing my friend a good idea? Please help, please.

 

David.

[Tony T]

You don't have one serious problem here...you have two. I'm not sure which will be more difficult to surmount but they are not completely hopeless in any case.

 

First, you just never know which way this platonic to romance transition can be in your particular circumstance. Because you are long distance, I find it amusing that you could grow so fond of her. It also comes to mind that because of your separation, you may have to move quickly to keep her from taking up with another male.

 

In your situation, it's basically deceptive for you to remain friends with her without telling her how you really feel. Could you imagine a girl hanging around with you who was madly in love with you and you were telling her all about the girls you dated, lots of other personal stuff you wouldn't tell a girl you were romantically interested in, etc.? Then one day that girl who you had shared all this stuff with who you thought was just a buddy let's you know she has the real hots for you.

 

For your own sake, you can't keep living like this. You can't keep deceiving this girl by concealing important details about your feelings. However, you need to wait until you are in her proximity to do this. Don't do it on the phone or in mail. This is an in person thing. Just let her know you have developed special feelings for her and if she'd ever like to upgrade the friendship to a higher level, you would be very open to that. Say no more. Let her tell you how she feels about all of this.

 

If she rejects the idea, don't fret. At least you put the idea in her brain and she'll have something to consider. She could come around in time. But if she does reject the idea, you have to understand that, depending on her fondness for you as a friend and her maturity, the friendship could actually get better...or it could go down the drain. That's a risk you must take. You can't keep living with these feelings inside.

 

Now, with that out of the way....a long distance relationship is difficult for two people who have loved each other dearly on an in-person basis and, unless there is fairly frequent contact in their parted status, they just don't last. Ladies like to do things, go places, etc. If there is a long history of in-person romance, they are far more likely to wait for you. If not, well some will and some won't. This long distance element may be your more difficult hurdle but promise her you will see her as often as possible...if she decides to give it a try. Keeping a brand new long distance relationship of this nature going for a LONG period of time will be the challenge of your life.

 

So, understand the risks of telling her your feelings but UNDERSTAND YOU MUST!!! For your own sake you can't withhold this information. And understand the dynamics of a long distance relationship are not favorable unless you work ten times harder than in a normal relationship.

 

It does sound like she's very fond of you as a friend but that doesn't mean her fondness will automatically translate into a romance. People are just not like this. However, I will tell you if this lady has the capacity for special friendships like the one she has with you, she'll be a great catch as a romantic interest if you can pull all this off.

 

I wish you great luck.

[clia]

I've read your message a few times now, so here are my thoughts.

 

First of all, that she decided to spend Spring Break with you is huge, at least in my opinion. Out of all of the people she could've gone to visit or gone places with, she chose you, based only on the time you spent together in December. (And spent the money on a plane ticket, too.)

 

"So it wasn't a surprize that one day when I went to the restroom, Erin approached Kelly and asked her if she ever thought about dating me."

 

I think it's fairly rude that your roommate brought this up to her. I know she was trying to find out how Kelly feels for your benefit, but women are not stupid. Situations like this tend to feel very junior high. Is that all that Erin said? (If so, then I think you're still okay.)

 

"And I was told that her response was that she never really thought about it, seeing that we were good friends and all."

 

The only good thing that might've come of this is that Erin may have planted the seed in her mind. If she never really thought about it, she very well might be by now. (But who knows, everyone is different.) And I've used that phrase "I've never really thought about it" when I have, in fact, thought a great deal about it. I mean, what reason would she have to share her feelings for you with Erin, someone who she probably just met? I'm not trying to get your hopes up, but I really don't think you can read anything into her response.

 

"So now there's a pretty good chance that Kelly know's I like her."

 

Not necessarily. If you didn't act anything other than friendly, and truly all that Erin said is "Did you ever think about dating him?", then she might not know. For all she knew, Erin was asking because she was curious, not because you ever said anything.

 

"But I don't know if I should say anything to her or not. Would it be good to just wait and see if she approaches me about it? Or would it be good to take my own action?"

 

Let me ask you this. Does she flirt with you when you're together? I mean, does she ever joke around about being together, compliment you, put her hand on your leg or arm, do you ever get the idea that she likes you for more? I have a few guy friends that I wouldn't mind dating, and let me tell you, I flirt with them to high heaven.

 

If you tell her how you feel and she doesn't feel the same way, you definitely risk losing the friendship. But, I don't necessarily think you should not tell her. I think you need to spend more time around her to be able to judge how she's feeling. Are you both going to be in Cincinnati this summer? If so, that would be the perfect time to spend more time together. I agree with Tony that you shouldn't discuss this over the phone or e-mail. Wait until summer. You'll have 3 whole months. Definitely keep in touch with her until then, but don't go overboard. And date other people for the next few months. Don't get completely hung up on this girl or you won't be able to keep your cool when you see her in June.

 

Long distance is hard, especially when you are in college. (Trust me, I've been there.) I'm not saying it can't work, but both people have to work a lot harder, especially since the two of you aren't even driving distance apart. You'll have to buy plane tickets and have huge phone bills. Keep that in mind.

 

Good luck!

[David]

Thank you two very much for the valuable advice. It should help out a lot.

 

But if Kelly decides to approach me about what Erin asked her, (which she probably won't) I don't know how I'm going to react. I do feel like I should wait till I can see her in person to tell her about how I feel. That's what I want to do. Summer break won't be here until June and that's a long while off. So how can I move quickly enough to show her my feelings when I won't be able to go home until June?

 

I completely understand why this is deceptive on my part, seeing how I'm not showing her my true self. As our friendship grew, we started to talk about stuff that's happened in our past dealing with friends, boyfriends, and girlfriends and how those relationships worked out. She's told me about guy friends she's had and how she soon found out that the main reason they were in the friendship with her was because they had more intimate feelings for her than that of just a friend. I know the reality of it all shows that I fall in this category, but her friendship is truly dear to me, and I don't want her to think that my feelings for her are what's keeping me in this friendship.

 

Well, it doesn't seem like she's been flirting with me. I know that when we hang out we tend to have a good time, and we get along pretty well with each other. But then again, I don't really think I flirt with her all that much either. I just tend to be really nice and friendly. Sometimes she says I tend to be too nice. I know I've stopped overdoing it so much though.

 

We do talk a lot through e-mail, telling each other about all the crazy things that go on in each of our lives. I remember when we were talking about relationships and how she always ends up with loser guys that don't treat her right, and how I'm not getting anywhere with girls for the same basic reason that "nice guys finish last" because all the nice girls tend to go for the losers. When I asked why this was, or why girls tend to go for those types of guys, this is what her responce was:

 

"oh and about nice guys finishing last, it's mostly

 

true. all the genuinely nice guys are either taken by

 

bitches or never seem to find an equally nice girl.

 

if you were refering to me as the nice, intellectual

 

girl being attracted to and dating jerks, i guess

 

that's true too. actually, i'm the bitch in the

 

relationships. i'll admit it. i'm the one that is the

 

jerk and is controlling and mean. but yeah, look at tony. i was with him for 2 years and he was probably lying and cheating the whole time. on datability scale,

 

i do know you and would say you rank pretty high.

 

you're ambitious, you're trying to acheive your dream

 

the best you know how, you're funny and fun, you are

 

smart... what's not to like? maybe you're too nice.

 

that's all i can think of."

 

I know that what she said could have just been in the name of friendship, but I can never tell.

 

But anyway, I guess all I can do is wait until I go back to Cincinnati to say something to her. Let me know what you think.

 

Thanks again,

 

David.

[clia]

"But if Kelly decides to approach me about what Erin asked her, (which she probably won't) I don't know how I'm going to react."

 

If she approaches you, I think you should tell her how you feel. You don't have to get all sappy or anything, just be straightforward and say that you mentioned to Erin that you wouldn't mind dating Kelly. But, I highly doubt she'll bring it up. IMO, if she does bring it up, it's because she's interested in dating you. If she's not, then she'll completely ignore it because she probably doesn't want to hear it.

 

"I do feel like I should wait till I can see her in person

 

to tell her about how I feel. That's what I want to do. Summer break won't be here until June and that's a long while off. So how can I move quickly enough to show her my feelings when I won't be able to go home until June?"

 

Actually, June is only about 2 months off. Nine short weeks. In the grand scheme of it all, that's not very long. (Especially since I assume you have finals coming up!) Like I said before, I don't think you should bring this up until you see her in person and are able to spend more time together. (i.e., don't bring it up the day you get home!)

 

"I completely understand why this is deceptive on my part, seeing how I'm not showing her my true self."

 

I don't think it's deceptive at all, at least not yet. I mean, I know you've known her for years, but you said you really just started being friends in December, only 3 months ago. Sometimes it takes some time to sort out your feelings.

 

"She's told me about guy friends she's had and how she soon found out that the main reason they were in the friendship with her was because they had more intimate feelings for her than that of just a friend. I know the reality of it all shows that I fall in this category, but her friendship is truly dear to me, and I don't want her to think that my feelings for her are what's keeping me in this friendship."

 

She might have been giving you a warning by saying that. Sometimes we women take roundabout ways of getting our message across. You say that your feelings for her aren't what's keeping you in the friendship, but if you find out this summer that she doesn't want to date you, will you still want to be friends with her? Will you be able to? Sounds like you have a lot of feelings for her. If you're friends, she's eventually going to be dating other people and doing things in her life that don't include you, which could be painful for you. I don't know...

 

"Well, it doesn't seem like she's been flirting with me. I know that when we hang out we tend to have a good time, and we get along pretty well with each other. But then again, I don't really think I flirt with her all that much either. I

 

just tend to be really nice and friendly. Sometimes she says I tend to be too nice. I know I've stopped overdoing it so much though."

 

Hmmm...no flirting. Friends do tend to have a good time together and get along pretty well. That's why they're friends! So this is great--you know what she likes. She doesn't want a guy who is too nice! If you establish yourself as that 'nice guy' you will never get anywhere with her. You need to stop being so nice and accommodating. I'm not saying to be a jerk, but don't answer her e-mails right away, don't return her phone calls right away. In short, don't portray the image that you would drop everything for her. I know it sounds crappy, but it's behavior like this that gets girls interested. Don't talk to her for hours on the phone or IM with her for hours. Tell her you're busy (you are, right?) and you have plans to do...whatever. She'll wonder what you're up to, trust me. Tell her how much fun you had going out with your friends. Maybe you should even casually date a couple of other girls this summer and let her see you with them. I mean, she knows what she's missing, right? This sounds sneaky, but it does work. You can't let yourself get too wrapped up in her, or you are only going to get hurt.

 

"if you were refering to me as the nice, intellectual

 

girl being attracted to and dating jerks, i guess that's true too. actually, i'm the bitch in the relationships. i'll admit it. i'm the one that is the jerk and is controlling and mean. but yeah, look at tony. i was with him for 2 years and he was probably lying and cheating the whole time."

 

So she admits to being the bitch in relationships. Interesting. This could be another warning to you to STAY AWAY. Of course, this is just my outside opinion, but she could be trying to bring herself down in your eyes so that you don't become interested. (Too late, huh?)

 

"on datability scale, i do know you and would say you rank pretty high. you're ambitious, you're trying to acheive

 

your dream the best you know how, you're funny and fun,

 

you are smart... what's not to like? maybe you're

 

too nice. that's all i can think of."

 

Well, she obviously admires certain qualities in you. That's a good thing.

 

"I know that what she said could have just been in the name of friendship, but I can never tell."

 

I think that what she said was completely in the name of friendship. I can't see anything in that message that indicates to me that she's interested in you for more than that. Sorry.

 

I think you just need to wait until you get back to Cincinnati if you do, in fact, decide to say something. She's given you fair warning that she doesn't think it's cool when her guy friends express their feelings for her, so be careful. But like I said, stop being so darn nice to her. You can still be sort of nice, but don't go overboard, please. She's told you what kind of guy she likes. You don't have to be a loser or jerk, but you can be like that just a little bit, to get her interest. And try not to devote too much time thinking about it over the next 9 weeks. Stay busy and date other girls!

 

Sorry so long. Hope that helps.

[David]

Thank you both for the valuable advice again. I know now that waiting is the right thing. I think it'll be hard though to get the thought of her out of my mind. I thought about Kelly a lot before she came down for spring break.

 

I have a problem dealing with dating others before I go home for summer break. It's not that getting to know others is a problem for me, actually I think it would be pretty good experience. But, when I tend to get involved with someone, I always end up becoming friends with them before a relationship ever happens. I've only had two girlfriends my whole life, and in between those relationships I never dated. I've never been that type of person to just randomly pick out someone I'd be attracted to and just ask them out. I know I'm too picky. And I know I'm not the type of person who goes to clubs or anything to meet people. I'm pretty much an introvert at heart. So how can I get out of this habit? I think that if I start dating more and taling to , I'll learn to be more open with my feelings. And in the long run, I'll probably be able to approach situations like the one I have with Kelly with more confidence.

 

Thanks again,

 

David