From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[wanderingxsoulz]

I relate to you on so many levels. Our A was only 5 months or so, but I've never felt this way about anyone, despite knowing he was M from the start. How could I feel so intensely for someone who's more of a fantasy, for someone I've known for only such a short while? But I did.

 

I broke it off because I was tired of feeling sad and alone all the time even though in my case, I never wanted him to leave his family. 3 months of NC but it hasn't stopped hurting. He was on my mind 24/7 during the A, and he's still on my mind 24/7 after the A.

 

It hurts a lot that he just let me go when I said I didn't want to see him anymore. The only reason why I'm being able to maintain NC is because he didn't even try to contact me, not because I'm disciplined or have self-control. I feel like I'm not even worth the effort, like I never mattered at all. He seems fine while I'm still hurting.

 

Not sure what's the point of anything anymore. Being with him hurts (but at least there were still happy times to look forward to during the rare times we got to see each other), living without him hurts.

 

I wish I could say the whole A never happened or that I never met him or that I could forget everything, but no, in some twisted way, I wouldn't change any of that. Sick, isn't it?

 

Stay strong. Don't feel bad for how you feel. To heal, you must first allow yourself to feel. Talk to your loved ones, it really helps. During the A, confiding in my closest friends was the only thing that kept me sane. After the A, I wrote about my feelings in a blog. It helps. I'm not ashamed about how I feel because like what you said, I know what I felt is real, even if the whole A was just a fantasy.

[NewLeaf512]

When do they stop being on your mind every minute of the day? I thought that was made up in the movies??? It is not always sad or angry, sometimes just images. But every minute to be sure. For me, anyway.

 

But right now, I just need to know how do you stop the thoughts that hurt so much they literally take your breath away?

 

These have been the longest 10/11 days of my life. I know, I know. One day at a time. Except every day feels like a week. Damn it.

 

 

It takes ages. I'm not there yet. We need a 12 step programme.

[USEDOW]

He was my soul mate. We had a psychic connection. We'd know how to meet if we wanted to often exactly the same time no phone necessary. The love was real and I'm a ghost. He is part of me now and I know he'll not forget me either. Although the sadness has overtaken all the happiness. I'm just sad. .

[Lois_Griffin]

Can you tell your family you met a wonderful man, found out he was married and broke up with him and your grieving...

With all due respect, that's a complete oxymoron.

 

A 'wonderful' man won't LIE to you and CON you into a fake relationship knowing full well she'd be devastated when she eventually learned the truth. Who the hell gave this fraud permission to deceive this woman in this type of fashion?

 

There is nothing wonderful about this deceitful, manipulative, self-serving, lying, cheating, opportunistic jerkoff.

 

I cant WAIT until you find your anger, OP.

[yodelwithyu]

So I was going to just post a couple of updates on my original thead, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/548830-dying-inside-out But right before I did, I saw an email from him. So I thought I might just post the updates and NC breakage in a new post. He broke it 48 hours ago, and I have to say, I think I am back to being numb and shutting down. But first, the updates:

 

The panic and f**kery come in the strangest of ways. I had been staying home (not leaving my room) healing, but I had to fly out today for medical reasons. I’m in a third world country, and so all my doctors are in a neighboring 1.5/second world country. Getting ready and leaving the house was tough, and I felt the anxiety building. By the time I was supposed to board the flight, I could hardly breathe. I stopped halfway into the walkway and couldn't get on the flight. I could hardly breathe and my head was spinning while my feet were cemented to the jetway. I suppose since all my traveling this year has been to him or from him. And the last flight I was in I was devastated. Anyway, I had to get off, had my luggage offloaded and went home with no explanation. My dad was in aviation and a bunch of people who used to work for him witnessed this meltdown. I have no idea who I am?? I have never been so weak and crazy in my life. I really just can’t accept that this is me. How does this **** happen? Do they grind us down so hard that there is nothing, really nothing left? God, just when I was feeling just a tiny bit better.

 

Anyway, I got on the flight the next day heavily medicated. My dad was already there waiting for me. We had a nice dinner and then we decided to watch a movie. Have any of you watched Sicario? Because two really severe things happened to me. One, could they have said Arizona or Phoenix ANY more times? It is where MM is from. I mean, damn, there is like 20 minutes of the movie where one guy is wearing a shirt that SAYS Arizona. Every time it was like a rubber band snapping against my skin. HOW BLOODY DUMB. The name of a state/city. It is truly ridiculous. The next is actually frightening and disheartening. For some reason, though the movie really has nothing to do with my past, it started triggering a lot of PTSD images/symptoms that I have worked years to get rid of. Needless to say, I left the movie before another breakdown.

 

Then, I get back to the hotel and get back on wifi. Amongst all the other notifications, A quick gmail notification for an email from MM. WHAT. THE. EFFFF. Admittedly, I had hoped he would write so I could just see I had ever meant anything (not to re-connect). But after 14 days passed, I kind of stopped thinking it was going to happen. For those who are going to tell me to be strong, don’t worry, I am not dying to write to him. There is one line that is bugging me, in which he says “You have to know that you didn't go through all of this for no reason.” I want to scream at him and ask him what the hell DID I go through it for? So his wife could pick up from me the things he liked and then make their marriage perfect?? I went through all of this to show him how to be good human being? Did I go through this so that I can be truly frightened by the fact that I can love so deeply and that I have the capability to feel completely destroyed? That I can be so weak and fragile and self-loathing? WHAT DID I GO THROUGH IT FOR??????

 

I kind of want to post his “letter” here just for opinions and suggestions, but then I feel like I am betraying him/taking away his privacy. What a joke right? I think I am going to do it to prove a point to myself. Here:

 

 

“Hi Yodel,

 

I've wanted to write to you for quite some time now, but never knew what I'd say. Part of me was afraid that you wouldn't respond. That you had grown bitter and angry with me over the last 16 days. I miss you so much and I think about you everyday. All day I see and hear little reminders that make me think of you. Everytime someone says "right now". Every Sam Smith song I hear. Whenever I have free time when I'm driving and I think that this would be great talking time. I could go on and on, but you get the point. You have to know that you didn't go through all of this for no reason. I know I put you through something that was pretty unforgiveable, and for that I'm truly sorry. You'll never understand just how bad I feel about what I've done, just like I'll probably never fully comprehend what I've done to you. I feel like a part of me is missing not talking to you. I still want to know how your tests went in [name of country] and how your mom is

doing, but now I've lost that. I think of hundreds of things I want to tell you everyday, but of course I can't think of most of those now. So for now I'll tell you the most prominent feelings that I've had, and will always have. I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry.

 

 

P.S. - I couldn't get into the other email, but I have a feeling you know that already. I just want to know if that's on purpose, or if I messed up with the username/password. If it is on purpose, I ask that you reconsider, because part of me wants to read those journal entries, even though I'm a little frightened by what I think I'll find. Also, you have pictures in there that I don't have a copy of.

 

 

Love always,

MM ”

 

 

 

Opinions?

 

 

Here are some of the reasons I won’t reply:

1. I am not going to break NC. I have to move on. I can’t go back to anything else with him.

2. I don’t see real remorse or pain in those words.

3. I don’t see anything new.

4. He made a new email address, and am sure used a public computer. So effectively making me back into a dirty little secret. No thanks, I don’t need a wuss for a man.

5. He took too long. Sorry, but he did. Where was he the last 16 days? People who are desperate can’t help themselves.

6. Of course, there are all the lies that I found out about shortly after leaving. Which fill me with anger and disgust.

 

Having said all of that, my heart still hurts and misses the man he made himself out to be. I’m still crying myself to sleep every night and having a hard time (obviously) controlling the anxiety. I had no idea that one person could take up so much space in your heart and mind. I miss him so much it actually feels like I am going crazy, because I just can’t find my anger, even after all the things I found out at the end. The images just won’t stop. And now there are images of his words added in. I must have read it at least 20 times.

 

Help. With anything. Seriously, it can’t go on like this. I’m back to square one.

Edited September 30, 2015 by yodelwithyu

[yodelwithyu]

AutumnNight, Wandering, NewLeaf, Used and Lois, I am sorry I have not responded, the last 4 days have been a little crazy.

 

Thank you all so much for your advice and love. I need it now more than ever.

Edited September 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited due to thread merge ~ V

[eye of the storm]

Breath. Just breath. Everything will be fine if you just keep breathing.

 

You are not back to square one. Not even close.

 

I know the email is imprinted on you brain. But still delete it.

 

That email was all about him. His feelings, his wants, his emotions. And like everything else he has done, it is to his benefit and to control you.

 

He wants you to give him more space in your head, email passwords, pictures.

 

You have already given him too much. Nothing else.

 

You are strong. This is the dark before the dawn. You can do this.

 

Just keep breathing.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Breath. Just breath. Everything will be fine if you just keep breathing.

 

You are not back to square one. Not even close.

 

I know the email is imprinted on you brain. But still delete it.

 

That email was all about him. His feelings, his wants, his emotions. And like everything else he has done, it is to his benefit and to control you.

 

He wants you to give him more space in your head, email passwords, pictures.

 

You have already given him too much. Nothing else.

 

You are strong. This is the dark before the dawn. You can do this.

 

Just keep breathing.

 

 

 

Read above lovey, and know in your heart that all that horse manure written in his email to you is an enormous festering pile of just that......

 

As difficult as it must be for you, it is probably shrewd to view this selfish attempt to infiltrate your armour and mess with your recovery with the contempt it deserves.

 

After all, he's shown you that he is not capable of respecting your privacy, your need for peace, or your desire for change.

 

Wishing you strength and tenacity.

 

Cuckoo

[cif]

What stood out to me the most was during his drive saying this would be a great time to call you... seriously when he's bored. Ukh.

 

Stay strong.

[Doublegold]

"What stood out to me the most was during his drive saying this would be a great time to call you... seriously when he's bored. Ukh.

 

 

 

 

What you wrote made a light bulb go off as far as why they carry on like they do with others. It's like they can't stand to be alone, even for a moment. So they fill the hours and days with whatever it takes to not 'just be'. That seems to point to so much self loathing.

 

 

Yodel--hang on, hang on and hang on to your sanity with every pulse of strength you have left.

 

 

NC

 

• 
  

[Grapesofwrath]

That email is a manipulative tactic. By writing it, he wants to turn the situation into a tragic romantic scene in which he is a lovable guy who is caught in a difficult situation, forcing him to be apart from the one he loves. Bullocks!! He wants to feel like he is a "good guy in a bad situation." Basically he wants, he wants, he wants. It's all about him. He is a married man who knowingly entered into an A with the expressed purpose of betraying his wife and getting his own needs met at the expense of another. He is not a victim of tragic romantic circumstance.

 

It hurts at first, but keep the NC. The peace will come. He's right about one thing: you didn't go through this for no reason. You went through it to learn how strong you are. You went through it to gain wisdom and understand yourself more deeply. You went through it so you will know what to look out for in the future and how to back better choices about the men you allow in your life. Use it to learn, grow, and deepen your wisdom.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Grapesofwrath

[Adoraxx]

What stood out to me the most was during his drive saying this would be a great time to call you... seriously when he's bored. Ukh.

 

Stay strong.

 

Yes, exactly!! That's what stood out for me too!!! You know what, Yodel? My xMM would tell me things like "I miss you" and "think about you" and "think about us much" too and it confused me so much because at the same time he would make NO effort whatsoever to come see me!!! AND on top of that, he would simply stop logging into our email account and wouldn't even check for a reply from me!!

 

So one day I called him and asked him WHAT it is that he is thinking??

He said: "Uhhh I don't know really" and that he DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS.

 

I told him that it's pretty weird that he tells me he misses me, yet he doesn't come see me, doesn't continue emailing.

And this is what he said: "Yes, but I ONLY miss you sometimes. When I'm alone, I miss you - but when I'm not alone, I don't miss you at all." WTF?? So do you see what this means and it has been said on this forum more often:

 

He will only contact you when he is bored!!!!

He only 'misses' you when he is bored and has nothing else to do!!!

Hence his stupid comment about him being in the car and wanting to call you.

 

Oh, and my xMM said too that he wants to know how I'm doing. Which is not true! They don't care about HOW WE ARE DOING, but all they care about is that they can still have a foot inside the door... they just want to check if we're still 'there' , pining away for them... I'm sure it gives them some sense of control.

 

Anyway, It's always easier to see the truth in someone else's situation but this is what stood out for me about what you wrote

 

Hugs

[yodelwithyu]

Hi All,

 

Thanks for the replies and support. I literally cannot even think or function right now between him and the medical stuff. Thank God for my family. Just wanted to write a quick note and say thanks. Also, though it doesn't change much because he would still be fitting me in between passengers, the whole driving thing is because he is a ride-share driver at the moment. But yes, he used to be guilty of calling me to and from work until I got sick of it.

 

I am back to being a little numb, thinking about what an A-hole he is. Though its taking everything I have, I am not going to write back. Or scream back, I should say. I really don't know how to thank you guys. Traveling back to the homeland tomorrow with my dad, and after sleeping for a day or two, hopefully I can write a proper update. Coming here and being able to read your opinions and stories makes this a lot more bearable and not as lonely. (((((HUGS)))))

 

On another note, now that I look at it, the title of my post is so damn melodramatic. It is not like that at the moment, and now its just an eyesore and an embarrassment.

[yodelwithyu]

I keep saying I will update soon, and then I just can’t find the words. The last few days after my last post have been a blur, like all the other days since he told me he was married, if I am being honest. I feel like a real price of work even saying this, but because of a not so great diagnosis I just received, I have been able to cry freely at home the last few days. I mean, I am devastated and frightened by it, but it is still him, and us, and me, and them in the forefront of my mind. I think I have gotten some relief from being able to let it out, but again, I feel like a fraud. I oscillate between completely numb and silent to raw and hysterical.

 

Though I know I won’t break NC, I still feel compelled to ask him questions or accuse him of all the things I found out he lied to me about. And as pathetic as it sounds, because he did break NC, I want to know how far he would go for someone he supposedly loves. Isn’t that sad? Still seeking validation from someone I KNOW to be a liar and manipulator, whose words actually should have no value? I guess what I am trying to say is, that it still takes effort to make communication, even if you are lying through your teeth. I still want him to make the effort to cal or message from his actual email or phone, even though I won’t answer or pick up. How is it possible to simultaneous be disgusted by someone, and then miss them, and (gross,) still have hundreds of images in your head of kissing them or cuddling?

 

The thing I am struggling with the most is actually that this whole thing has actually brought a lot of my past PTSD symptoms out again. I have spent a lot of time in therapy and within myself over the years be better, and it all feels like it is crashing down. My nightmares have increased again (not about them, just in general) and the night terrors have returned with a vengeance. Let’s not get started on the paranoia and being easily startled. The last two nights I have slept in my mom’s room. How is it possible that a failed relationship with selfish man-child can bring this out after so many years? Has anyone who has been through trauma experienced this? I mean, there is no comparison with the two and I feel so stupid. I doing everything in my power to fight the feeling and symptoms, but nothing seems to stop the momentum.

[eye of the storm]

Yodel, you will be fine. Keep that thought in the front of your mind. You will be fine.

 

As to the rest, write him a letter. On paper. Tell him every thought, every feeling, ask all your questions. Get it all out there. When you are done. Crumple it into the absolutely smallest ball you can squeeze it in to...then burn it.

 

Do not break NC.

 

Your feelings being all over the map is normal. Your brain and your feelings are taking turns trying to get you thru this and they have totally different paths. It's ok. Don't fight it. Keep moving forward. Eventually the paths will converge and you will stabilize.

 

As to the PTSD...get back into therapy. But don't waste your time in therapy talking about him. Spend your time and money on you.

 

I totally understand the symptoms coming back. I don't even notice mine coming back but when I am under pressure or upset about something, others see my "ticks". My friends help me manage the more damaging of them and just ignore the others.

 

You can do this. Just keep moving forward.

[yodelwithyu]

Thanks EyeOfTheStorm, for your encouraging words. I am rapidly approaching the point where I know I will need to get back into therapy. The problem is that there really are no options in this country, so I would have to go back Stateside or find another country to live in temporarily. I think that really, I will be forced to go back to the States and mostly I am ok with that, minus the fact that it will eliminate the oceans between me and xMM and that I will not have my family there.

 

As for letters, I had been writing him letters all the time since he told me he was married, but in my journal. At some point, after one of the times I tried to break up with him, I created an email address where I would write to him all the thing I grew tired of actually telling him. For some reason, writing and hitting send actually helped. This the the email address he was talking about in his NC breaking email. I had told him the password when I left (I figured he could get some insight, and also know what to look for if I actually finish my book), but then shortly after changed it when he hadn't bothered to read anything for a week, coinciding with the fact that I found out the extent of his lies and betrayal to me.

 

I have since switched back to the journal, because writing to that email seems like defeat. Stupid and strange, I know. But I have written to him or about him every day since I left. I guess you can say I am the Noah to his Ally (The Notebook), writing him letters every day that he will never see. Barf.

[eye of the storm]

Why don't you try something else. You have been writing to him but not actually sending them to him (which is good and healthy) Try writing to your "therapist". Dr. Newstart.

 

My therapist told me a couple of times I already knew what I needed to do, I just didn't do it. Change is hard. We get caught up in repeating behaviors, thoughts, feelings and don't realize that we are 100% able to change our destiny. We are able to write our futures. We just need the courage to actually do it.

 

It is so easy to go on auto pilot and just keep doing the same old. But the same old is not always healthy.

 

In regards to not having access to a local therapist. There are websites where you can access one thru a type of telemedicine. You video chat or just talk thru emails. It is an option. I don't visit my therapist much anymore (she moved a few states away) but when I need a tune up I just email her.

 

For me anti-depressants were also a God-send. They assisted in my therapy. They helped stop the screaming in my head so I could concentrate on learning new behaviors. Then I was weaned off of them very gradually so the behaviors were not stressed to much in the beginning.

 

Biofeedback helped with my night terrors.

 

Sigh, you are going thru something very difficult. And I am so sorry. But, you are more than capable of handling it. You have the inner strength. Right now there is a monster in your head, it knows your thoughts, it lies to you, it wants you to destroy yourself. But it can be beat. It takes time, it takes concentration, it takes determination, and it takes forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself for your mistakes. That alone takes alot of the power from the monster. Forgive yourself, set up your defenses, and then attack. This is a completely winnable war.

 

You are a warrior and you will be victorious.

[bathtub-row]

I knew he'd contact you eventually. Personally, I would respond to him, saying something along these lines:

 

"You're right, you'll never know what you've done to me. Please do not ever contact me again if you intend to keep me as your dirty little secret."

[yodelwithyu]

Thanks EyeOfTheStorm, I will look into the telemedicine. Sounds like a great option for me at the moment! As for anti-depressants, I have been on them for a long time after all the trauma. Maybe its time to re-evlauate the dose or type?

 

Hey BathtubRow, good to hear from you again! I was going to reply that while I want to tell him something along the lines of what you just said, but I really don't want to break NC. I wouldn't lower myself to write to a new email address he created and checks from the freaking library. Plus, I just don't want to open that can of worms. I wish I could just say that him not getting a response from me and wondering why is the only reason, but it is not. He is so deeply ingrained in my head and heart at the moment, I just can't let him back in. So anyway, I still feel that way even though I woke up to this right now:

 

"I know I really don't have the right to ask you for much, but could you please send me the login for [journal email]. You know I miss you and its all I have left. Even if your response is no, at least please respond. I get so anxious every time I check this email hoping to here from you.

 

Love you,

ExMM"

 

I'm just...UGH. I want to again scream at him. Really? If you are that anxious, grow a pair of balls and call me. If you are still too scared to use your phone, (HAH) then buy a freaking phone card and use a public phone. And maybe you shouldn't have deleted everything just because you sent a few pictures to MY email the moment I got on the plane, if you still wanted to hold on to them, d***head. You didn't even ask how I was or say that you were worried about me. EFFFF OFF.

 

How can I be so angry and cry at the same time??? SMH.

Edited October 6, 2015 by yodelwithyu
Punctuation and censoring swear word ;)

[bathtub-row]

It's one of the most hurtful and confusing things in the world. I'm just sorry you're going through this. You're probably right about not breaking the silence, and you're definitely right to expect more from him.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what was the diagnosis you got that was so upsetting? It's ok if you don't want to say. I'm just curious.

[yodelwithyu]

The diagnosis was that at age 33, I have the ovaries of someone 7-10 years older than me. It's called Premature Ovarian Failure. Sometimes the cause is unknown, and other times it is caused by autoimmune disease. And you got it, I tested positive for (unspecified) autoimmune disease. Now I have to go through a bunch of differential diagnoses to figure out of my past health complications are related.

 

I am pretty ok with the autoimmune stuff for now, because a lot of it can be managed. The fertility stuff not so much. I have polycyclic ovaries and endometriosis, I knew it might be a problem, but now, I am on a super tight timeline. I was considering freezing my eggs anyway because I wasn't sure when I would be ready to have kids, and now it seems that that might not really be that successful. It just feels like something that is my right and choice as a woman is being taken away.

 

Here is the kicker: I have been sexually active since about 18, and have never gotten pregnant or had a scare. A few weeks after I finding out exMM was married (and a couple of weeks before he was caught), I had a pregnancy scare that turned out to be a very early missed miscarriage. We had been using protection, but there were a couple of times where (TMI Alert) I felt that semen had leaked from side of the condom because he stayed in too long and kept thrusting. We were careful about it after I told him I thought it was leaking out, but obviously those few times were enough come to find out month later. He totally manned up, and even though he never wants kids, said he would support my decision and come clean to his wife. For all the lies he did tell me, this was not one of them, I really believe it. Anyway, I do think that the grief of losing something I didn't know I had or wanted, before it was too late, also bound me to him in a way I have never shared with anyone. I think it made it harder to let go initially. I am so pissed that it had to be with him. It was hard enough, but to share it with this man who lied and broke my heart? It still makes me cry.

 

When it rains it pours right? I am going to do everything in my power to take control of my fertility, but it is still scary nonetheless.

Edited October 6, 2015 by yodelwithyu
Typo

[Poppy47]

Hi Yodel,

My daughter had POF at 28. I would say it changed her forever. She has one child and really wanted more.

 

All my best wishes to you.

 

Poppy.

[eye of the storm]

...As for anti-depressants, I have been on them for a long time after all the trauma. Maybe its time to re-evaluate the dose or type? It just might be, I went thru like 7 types before I found one that worked for me. My opinion (Im not a doctor but I stay in Holiday Inns sometimes lol) is that anti-depressants are a tool that should be used in conjunction with therapy, not as a replacement for therapy. And I worry that you were put on them as a lifetime requirement. I would, discuss their usage with your doctor. I was on them for 2 years and we very gradually weaned me off over a 6 month period. Please do not take this as my advice to stop them. I firmly believe they helped save my sanity.

 

...

How can I be so angry and cry at the same time??? SMH. That is an easy one, you are sad and angry. lol totally natural. healthy

 

I went thru a very long angry spell. I kinda remember it like holding coals in my hand. It hurt, but it kept me warm. I carefully tended the fire, holding it close, sleeping with it, protecting it, using it as both a shield and as a weapon. I needed that fire, that anger. It served a purpose. But I held it too long. Part of me knew it was time to let go of the anger and move on but it had become part of me. It protected me. Like building walls around you for defense, eventually those walls become your prison.

 

You can get thru this. You will get thru this.

[yodelwithyu]

Poppy47, lots of love to your daughter and you. Thanks for the well wishes!

 

EyeOfTheStorm, unfortunately, my medications do seem to be for the long run. I too, went through about 6-9 different combinations over the years. At one point I did wean off for about a year and a half and it was not pretty! LOL regarding Holiday Inn!!

 

Though it is hellish, actually the health stuff is taking precedence for now, and that in a twisted way is good. I'm not going to spend more time thinking of him than myself and my health right now. I mean the minute by minute images of him are still here, but I am sad about and focusing on tackling the health stuff and not him and his stupid, selfish, cold emails that break NC.

[eye of the storm]

Good for you!!!!!!

 

Keep it up.