From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[yodelwithyu]

So…I’m not doing so well. I thought that by sheer willpower and my own words in my head, I would push through day to day. I stopped crying. Once in a while, the tears spring up, and I don’t let them fall. But it not just about that, is it?

 

My mother stayed home from work today, and she rarely does that, so I thought maybe she was ill. Turns out, she didn’t want to leave me alone today. She said that I haven’t actually spoken in four days, left my room for two, and yesterday, she saw that I was sitting on my bed in the same position, starting out the window for about six hours. I had no idea. Days and hours seem to drag by. The thing is, this was supposed to be a trip home to be there for my mom through a transition, and then later turned into the more semi-permanent getting away from exMM thing. But now she is taking care of me. I cannot and will not do this to her. I have to get better.

 

I hate HATE that reading back on this whole thread, it looks like my life is just full of drama for the last decade. I mean, what is this, The Bold and the Beautiful?? I hate being the victim, and fought hard to not be for many years. And look at me now—pity party, table for one.

 

I did figure out (in all my silence, I suppose) that a lot of what is triggering me is that now I look back on things that were said and done in the bedroom, which were all new for me, seem to have taken on new meanings in light of his lies. He holds a lot of firsts for me sexually, and being a little inexperienced, I just went with it. This is making me feel really used and dirty and ashamed, much like after the assault. So now I just have to take it for what it is and realize people you love can be cruel and demeaning too. Easier said than done.

 

I have been looking into online counseling as EyeOfTheStorm suggested. Any of you have any tips on a good place or site? I need to deal with my health and older issues again if I am going to get through this. I don’t even know if you are allowed to link websites? I don’t have PM privileges.

[yodelwithyu]

That email is a manipulative tactic. By writing it, he wants to turn the situation into a tragic romantic scene in which he is a lovable guy who is caught in a difficult situation, forcing him to be apart from the one he loves. Bullocks!! He wants to feel like he is a "good guy in a bad situation." Basically he wants, he wants, he wants. It's all about him.

 

GrapeOfWrath, I just wanted to tell you that what you said has really stuck with me and made a difference. Especially when it come to his second email. I remind myself of this every day. It was very well put by you.

[eye of the storm]

practicalities first. Egg timers. Love them. I have 1 in the bedroom, 1 in the living room and 1 in the kitchen. Only the kitchen one is used for cooking. The one in the bedroom and living room are for when I am zoning. I cannot allow myself to just sit/read/stare/watch tv for hours on end so I set the timer. I am allowed to do whatever for X amount of time, then when it goes off, I have to move. If you need to veg out, fine allow yourself the time to do it. But you cannot do it for days on end. FORCE yourself to set the timer and when it goes off, get in the shower, do a load of laundry, wash some dishes, go for a walk....something that affirms that you are still alive.

 

The monster in your head is trying to kill you. Fight him. The monster is using your thoughts to defeat you. Fight him. You have to decide what is more important, you or him. If he is more important, then continue to let thoughts of him consume you until there is nothing left...but Im curious what he did to become that valuable, that worthy of your life. If you are more important, then fight. Get angry. Get up.

 

Name a big pillow after the guy and then beat the crap out of it. Kick it, hit it on a hard surface, punch it till you cant move your arms anymore...Anger is not always an unhealthy emotion. Get angry.

 

Anger becomes destructive and turns us bitter only when we hang on to it past its usefulness. Like a fire in a firepit keeps you warm and helps keep animals away but a forest fire destroys homes and habitat. They are both fire, what is the difference? One is controlled and only used when needed. The other is out of control and has no purpose.

 

You are going to beat this. Get up, eat a meal, take a shower, take a walk. Force yourself to continue living. It will get easier. It just takes time.

 

As to recommendations, google beatingtheblues. it is a UK site. Or contact your health care provider or insurance company. If you have a doctor that is prescribing you anti-depressants, they should be able to find you a tele-behavioral health specialist.

 

You can do this. Get up.

[Adoraxx]

The monster in your head is trying to kill you. Fight him. The monster is using your thoughts to defeat you. Fight him. You have to decide what is more important, you or him. If he is more important, then continue to let thoughts of him consume you until there is nothing left...but Im curious what he did to become that valuable, that worthy of your life. If you are more important, then fight. Get angry. Get up.

 

Thank you so much for what you wrote, Eye of the storm .

THANKS I needed that too.

 

Adoraxx

[eye of the storm]

Adoraxx, depression for me was like having an enemy inside my own head. It knew my thoughts, it knew my weaknesses, it knew what I was planning.

 

It would whisper that therapy wouldn't work, the anti-depressants would be ineffective, that I wasn't that sick...it lied. It always lies.

 

But even when you know something lies, when you hear it constantly...you start to believe it. That is what it wants.

 

You have to fight. You have to stay focused. You have to use every weapon you can get your hand on. You have to be willing to have help.

 

When you stop feeding the monster, it weakens. Then you fight harder. Wash rinse repeat. Starve it, weaken it, fight it.

 

We are all powerful beings. Able to accomplish astonishing things. Do not be afraid of that power. Use it.

 

You can do it.

[Adoraxx]

Adoraxx, depression for me was like having an enemy inside my own head. It knew my thoughts, it knew my weaknesses, it knew what I was planning.

 

It would whisper that therapy wouldn't work, the anti-depressants would be ineffective, that I wasn't that sick...it lied. It always lies.

 

But even when you know something lies, when you hear it constantly...you start to believe it. That is what it wants.

 

You have to fight. You have to stay focused. You have to use every weapon you can get your hand on. You have to be willing to have help.

 

When you stop feeding the monster, it weakens. Then you fight harder. Wash rinse repeat. Starve it, weaken it, fight it.

 

We are all powerful beings. Able to accomplish astonishing things. Do not be afraid of that power. Use it.

 

You can do it.

 

It's exactly as you describe. I have been feeling very depressed lately and I try to keep busy but even then I'm thinking about the xMM, I'm thinking so MUCH about him that I feel like I'm going crazy, wondering what it is that I did wrong THIS time and so on...

But your post really hit home with me and I'm going to fight against this. I don't want the monster and I want to get rid of it

 

(((( Hugs ))))

[yodelwithyu]

The monster in your head is trying to kill you. Fight him. The monster is using your thoughts to defeat you. Fight him. You have to decide what is more important, you or him. If he is more important, then continue to let thoughts of him consume you until there is nothing left...but Im curious what he did to become that valuable, that worthy of your life. If you are more important, then fight. Get angry. Get up.

 

Not that much, actually. It was me. The way I opened up my heart to him before I knew his reality, the person I was becoming. So I think I associate that with him. And I am frightened by how vulnerable that left me. Also, yes, I AM overwhelmed with thoughts of him, but lately I think my old demons are doing more of the consuming.

 

I call my depression (had it long before him) My Dark Passenger (THANKS Dexter!!) LOL.

 

EyeOfTheStorm...you are something else!! Thanks for being you and being here.

[eye of the storm]

Not that much, actually. It was me. The way I opened up my heart to him before I knew his reality, the person I was becoming. So I think I associate that with him. And I am frightened by how vulnerable that left me. Also, yes, I AM overwhelmed with thoughts of him, but lately I think my old demons are doing more of the consuming. It was.. Key word WAS

 

I call my depression (had it long before him) My Dark Passenger (THANKS Dexter!!) LOL. Good for you, name it, look at it, punch it in the face!

Scar tissue may not be pretty, but it is tough. My surgeon told me he would have to cut below my old incision because scar tissue is harder to get thru.

 

Even an injury can make you stronger. If you chose to.

 

I have alot of scars on my arm. They hurt to look at. They hurt my kids to look at. But when I feel weak, I stare at them, I stroke them, I remember that I did not die. I survived. I am stronger. They remind me that life gets better if you just give it a chance. And they prompt me to offer a hand to someone else that was where I was.

 

I had to learn to forgive myself. I had to accept I was worthy. I had to understand that the mistakes I made, the behavior I accepted (for decades) was in the past. I would learn from it, I would grow from it, I would still be standing in the end.

 

You will too You both will. You may not think you are fighting hard. But that is ok. You are fighting. In the beginning the punches you throw are tentative and soft...but you will find your feet and the punches will be stronger harder and more directed.

 

You have the ability!

[yodelwithyu]

Ugh. I am so mad at myself. I didn't break traditional NC, but I feel like I crossed parameters I had set for myself. For a while since he emailed, I have been wondering if I have figured out the password to the new email account he created to write to me. Both to see how well I knew his mind and how clever I am (we both loved wordplay and riddles). I know this is really stupid. Also, since his last email, in which he stated that he anxiously checks that email to see if I have written, I have been saying over and over in my head "Oh really? The email you probably only check every three or four days when you can get to a library by yourself? Because you are SOOO anxious?"

 

Curiosity got the better of me, and I wanted to see if I had guessed the password correctly by what he had for a username. And I wanted to know how desperately he checks that email. So I logged on. My password guess was correct and I saw from the activity monitor that he only checks every few days. There were emails to himself that all had attachments (paperclip icon). I didn't read anything or look at the emails, and I didn't want to.

 

It felt a little good to be in his space, and that scares me. I really hope he doesn't go into activity and sees a log in from my country. I never wanted him to have anything from me ever again. And if he notices that, I just fed his stupid ego =/

 

Anyway, just thought I would update as I feel very disappointed in myself.

[Adoraxx]

Most people don't know about the account activity button I would say... do you think he knows? But normally when you log in from another country, you get some kind of warning in the account. Anyway, I hope he won't see it.

 

At least now you know that he is lying about checking the account 'desperately'!!

[yodelwithyu]

Lol, Adoraxx, I already knew this was going to be the case, and I have to say I was not as disappointed as I could have been. YAY me! He never said he checked it desperately, but rather was so anxious WHEN checking it, that he hoped I had written. Whatever. His words are useless anyway. Any other time in life, I would have told you HELL NO exMM has no idea about things like checking activity, but the fact that his password was what it was, maybe he was hoping that I would do what I just did.

 

On another note, after posting it here, I did feel some of the weight lift of. Like yeah, I logged in, because I CAN B*TCH!! Now for the day when I say I forgot you, because I CAN B*TCH!! Haha.

[NewLeaf512]

So…I’m not doing so well. I thought that by sheer willpower and my own words in my head, I would push through day to day. I stopped crying. Once in a while, the tears spring up, and I don’t let them fall. But it not just about that, is it?

 

My mother stayed home from work today, and she rarely does that, so I thought maybe she was ill. Turns out, she didn’t want to leave me alone today. She said that I haven’t actually spoken in four days, left my room for two, and yesterday, she saw that I was sitting on my bed in the same position, starting out the window for about six hours. I had no idea. Days and hours seem to drag by. The thing is, this was supposed to be a trip home to be there for my mom through a transition, and then later turned into the more semi-permanent getting away from exMM thing. But now she is taking care of me. I cannot and will not do this to her. I have to get better.

 

I hate HATE that reading back on this whole thread, it looks like my life is just full of drama for the last decade. I mean, what is this, The Bold and the Beautiful?? I hate being the victim, and fought hard to not be for many years. And look at me now—pity party, table for one.

 

I did figure out (in all my silence, I suppose) that a lot of what is triggering me is that now I look back on things that were said and done in the bedroom, which were all new for me, seem to have taken on new meanings in light of his lies. He holds a lot of firsts for me sexually, and being a little inexperienced, I just went with it. This is making me feel really used and dirty and ashamed, much like after the assault. So now I just have to take it for what it is and realize people you love can be cruel and demeaning too. Easier said than done.

 

I have been looking into online counseling as EyeOfTheStorm suggested. Any of you have any tips on a good place or site? I need to deal with my health and older issues again if I am going to get through this. I don’t even know if you are allowed to link websites? I don’t have PM privileges.

 

Hi Yodel.

 

What do you think of free online therapeutic communities?

[eye of the storm]

One step back. It's ok. Reset.

 

When we screw up, we forgive ourselves, learn what we did wrong and how to not do it again, then move on.

 

Beating yourself up over a slip is one way we stay locked.

 

You screwed up, it's ok, welcome to the club (we have cookies).

[yodelwithyu]

Hi Yodel.

 

What do you think of free online therapeutic communities?

 

Hey Newleaf! Good to hear from you. I actually haven't tried any yet. I have, in the past, spoken to crisis hotlines. I did earlier this year too when I felt like being in the situation was making me lose my mind. I am looking for a licensed online therapist at the moment as a lot of my older issues have come up. I don't just need to talk my feelings out (which I do here, thank goodness!), but I need a little professional guidance because I can recognize the downward spiral.

 

I don't have PMs, so I guess I will just say it here. I read your whole back story (not A...life) and it made me cry. You have been through so much and you are still here. Do you know how incredible and inspirational that is? Most people wouldn't have survived half of what you have been through. Right now, you may not feel like you are standing tall, but that is ok. You are crawling on your knees, but you know what? You are still moving forward. You are still writing here. You are still living. It is amazing. You just have to remind yourself that sometimes it is not the exIdiot bringing you down, but it is a culmination of everything that has happened to you. It is hard for anyone not to let everything add up once in a while. You keep doing what you have to do. You are awe-inspiring to us all. Also, I saw this and thought of you: https://38.media.tumblr.com/26faf8552d4a267e2a3bc82f76e30494/tumblr_mt4oi3cy9I1su8ikpo1_400.gif I hope it makes you smile!

[yodelwithyu]

You screwed up, it's ok, welcome to the club (we have cookies).

 

WHAT? Just cookies? No coffee? What a sham!

[Dela]

WHAT? Just cookies? No coffee? What a sham!

 

Can i join? i ll bring coffee (lol)

 

hi Yodel. how ru feeling today? i read your story... it breaks my heart for what u re going thru i d cry for all of us who are in this ****, because i know how much it hurts.

i know u mentioned in my post that it s a blessing that i can talk to my mom about it. ae u considering talking to ur mom also? they can be good friends in these situations.

 

Hugs

[eye of the storm]

haha of course we have coffee. I make a killer espresso if anyone is interested

[yodelwithyu]

Can i join? i ll bring coffee (lol)

 

hi Yodel. how ru feeling today? i read your story... it breaks my heart for what u re going thru i d cry for all of us who are in this ****, because i know how much it hurts.

i know u mentioned in my post that it s a blessing that i can talk to my mom about it. ae u considering talking to ur mom also? they can be good friends in these situations.

 

Hugs

 

Hey Dela, unfortunately for you, you are already part of the club! No need for invitation.

 

As for my mom, there are two reasons I can't tell her. The first is that our family was torn apart by my dad's womanizing. The main OW later became his wife, but it was a really traumatic and long process from beginning to end. My mom was a 21 year old with 2 kids and no option (back then) for divorce. So I could never ever tell her. In my culture and religion (I'm a non-practicing Muslim from a third world country with a very liberal family) you don't really talk about casual relationships, as in until you are ready to get married. So she wouldn't have really known about him before I found out he was married.

 

The second reason is that she will be so so hurt that I was suffering by myself the entire time and never told her. It will scare her. She will worry that I will go through painful/scary situations the future and not tell her. I can't put her through that. And she is one of my best friends, so it is hard to keep from her, but what is done is done.

 

How are YOU feeling today?

[Dela]

Hey Dela, unfortunately for you, you are already part of the club! No need for invitation.

 

As for my mom, there are two reasons I can't tell her. The first is that our family was torn apart by my dad's womanizing. The main OW later became his wife, but it was a really traumatic and long process from beginning to end. My mom was a 21 year old with 2 kids and no option (back then) for divorce. So I could never ever tell her. In my culture and religion (I'm a non-practicing Muslim from a third world country with a very liberal family) you don't really talk about casual relationships, as in until you are ready to get married. So she wouldn't have really known about him before I found out he was married.

 

The second reason is that she will be so so hurt that I was suffering by myself the entire time and never told her. It will scare her. She will worry that I will go through painful/scary situations the future and not tell her. I can't put her through that. And she is one of my best friends, so it is hard to keep from her, but what is done is done.

 

How are YOU feeling today?

 

 

good evening ( it s evening here ).

i understand now why u can t talk to ur mom. although my mom is ok now, she was not very pleased that her only child was seeing a MM lol

but i had to tell my family because i was pregnant and well, they asked WITH WHO?

 

i m not very well, just day 6 here... 1 week tomorrow... haven t contacted, texted, called, anything (except when he called on friday, we had NC)

i m wondering so many things, but mostly (and i know, it s lame and stupid), will he come back (divorced), what s happening there, how is he, are they fixing, divorcing, in agony before they do actually divorce??

i ve noticed that many, even is they want/will divorce, it takes some time until they r actually ready. it s not so easy when there are kids involved...

[NewLeaf512]

Hey Newleaf! Good to hear from you. I actually haven't tried any yet. I have, in the past, spoken to crisis hotlines. I did earlier this year too when I felt like being in the situation was making me lose my mind. I am looking for a licensed online therapist at the moment as a lot of my older issues have come up. I don't just need to talk my feelings out (which I do here, thank goodness!), but I need a little professional guidance because I can recognize the downward spiral.

 

I don't have PMs, so I guess I will just say it here. I read your whole back story (not A...life) and it made me cry. You have been through so much and you are still here. Do you know how incredible and inspirational that is? Most people wouldn't have survived half of what you have been through. Right now, you may not feel like you are standing tall, but that is ok. You are crawling on your knees, but you know what? You are still moving forward. You are still writing here. You are still living. It is amazing. You just have to remind yourself that sometimes it is not the exIdiot bringing you down, but it is a culmination of everything that has happened to you. It is hard for anyone not to let everything add up once in a while. You keep doing what you have to do. You are awe-inspiring to us all. Also, I saw this and thought of you: https://38.media.tumblr.com/26faf8552d4a267e2a3bc82f76e30494/tumblr_mt4oi3cy9I1su8ikpo1_400.gif I hope it makes you smile!

 

Wow I'm speechless. Thank you. I don't feel inspirational I feel like a failure. What keeps me going is my responsibility to my friend.

 

You will have PM soon when you post more. Sometimes if it isn't therapy day I use some online therapeutic groups as a touchstone. It helps.

 

Sending hugs

[NewLeaf512]

yodel

 

 

where are you

[autumnnight]

Yodel,

 

Even though our situations are/were different, the more you share of your pain, the more I can relate. The email from your former MM...wow, I think my ex could have written that.

 

Stay the course. Cry when you need to. Scream when you need to.

 

BUT...and this will suck....get rid of reminders. Delete pictures. Get rid of anything you can go back to and reminisce over. Yeah...I know the thought of that sends sickness and panic through your brain. And after your recycle bin is emptied, you'll probably have to put your head between your knees.

 

But it will help the process. Also, if you are emotional, schedule a time to break down. Set a timer. It sounds dumb, but it kind of contains the tears so they don't come out when the lady at the drive through asks, "is there anything else?"

[yodelwithyu]

yodel

 

 

where are you

 

Hey NewLeaf. Had a bad couple of days. Had another hospital visit. Though I still have all these images in my head of him at all times, this whole mess has brought out demons I had long laid to rest before. So I know everything I am going through is not just about him. Also, It seems that I was having a few bad days as intuition leading up to the newest email. This one actually sent from his real email address:

 

"Hi,

 

I'm unsure if my emails from [underground email address] are going to your spam, or are being ignored. I feel compelled to keep reaching out to you. I didn't want you to think that today's date was lost on me. I just want you to know that you're still thought of everyday. I hope all is well.

 

Love, MM"

 

That cold man is not the one I fell in love with. And YAY for me, because the date (our month anniversary) WAS lost on me. Will write more of an update when I have a little more strength. Love and hugs to you all.

[NewLeaf512]

Hey NewLeaf. Had a bad couple of days. Had another hospital visit. Though I still have all these images in my head of him at all times, this whole mess has brought out demons I had long laid to rest before. So I know everything I am going through is not just about him. Also, It seems that I was having a few bad days as intuition leading up to the newest email. This one actually sent from his real email address:

 

"Hi,

 

I'm unsure if my emails from [underground email address] are going to your spam, or are being ignored. I feel compelled to keep reaching out to you. I didn't want you to think that today's date was lost on me. I just want you to know that you're still thought of everyday. I hope all is well.

 

Love, MM"

 

That cold man is not the one I fell in love with. And YAY for me, because the date (our month anniversary) WAS lost on me. Will write more of an update when I have a little more strength. Love and hugs to you all.

 

 

He's the idiot

[yodelwithyu]

So I don't know what happened in the last week. It's been so rough. I am feeling so so low tonight and I just want to take it out on him. I kept thinking that when I hit 30 days of NC, I will be so much stronger and write a post titled "What 30 days of NC has Taught Me" and here I am at day 35 unable to even write proper updates on my original thread.

 

My family and I actually decided that I should freeze my eggs as soon as possible, ie next menstrual cycle, so in the last few days I have been mentally preparing for that. My dad was supposed to come with me, so I thought he was arranging everything. Well, not so much. He had just blown the whole thing off even though my appointment is on the 20th (Asia, 19th Stateside). So in the last 3 hours I have organized my tickets and accommodation and all and will be flying out in about 15 hours. My mother can only take a few days off work and will come out to me for the actual procedure and I am so thankful for that. But I did think my dad was going to be there for part of it. And now he is not coming at all. And I didn't think that I would be so disappointed. I guess I am a little scared, and it is not a small deal to be in a city by yourself and pump yourself full of hormones and go to the hospital every other day. For once, I actually feel like I need someone to be there. I've dealt with a lot of medical stuff by myself over the years, so I don't know why this feels different. I don't want to tell my mom I feel this way because she will feel worried and guilty. So I am telling you guys. I feel incredibly alone and sad and a little scared. I thought I was better than this. And it makes me want to yell and cry at exMM. Not sure why.