From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[lemondrop21]

DAMN that was a long ass post I made last night! The quote is so long!

 

What I want is impossible. To actually explore the connection/love I have without scattering the ashes of the marriage, without the pressure on a new relationship because of said ashes if the marriage crumbles, and for him and I to make decisions on our own. But that is not to be. There aren't two of us in this "relationship," there are three. To be quite honest, I really do wish the three of us could talk it out. Get rid of all the lies, secrets and then just move forward. Bring all the dirt into the light and see what, if anything, shines.

 

I see how the scenarios look like what they want, but I was just kind of playing versions of what will happen in the next few days in my head. At this point, all I really want is not to be an OW or a dirty secret as I am not built for this. I want to live honestly, even if we are just talking. If that means he comes clean, great, we will go from there. If that means I walk away because he didn't come clean, great, he really is just one of those MMs. In the end, everyone involved in this relationship should get a say and a fair chance so that there is nothing left unsaid and no stone left unturned. Hell, I would invite his mom to the conversation too, if I could. There HAS to be a better way than for people to make decisions for each other behind each other's backs in secrecy and shame. It is what is it. Let us own it and move forward, otherwise we (they) will always be stuck in the same dysfunctions and same what ifs.

So is the plan that on Monday, you will give him some sort of ultimatum: come clean to his wife, or you walk? Or has he already said that he plans to come clean on Monday?

[MidnightBlue1980]

DAMN that was a long ass post I made last night! The quote is so long!

 

What I want is impossible. To actually explore the connection/love I have without scattering the ashes of the marriage, without the pressure on a new relationship because of said ashes if the marriage crumbles, and for him and I to make decisions on our own. But that is not to be. There aren't two of us in this "relationship," there are three. To be quite honest, I really do wish the three of us could talk it out. Get rid of all the lies, secrets and then just move forward. Bring all the dirt into the light and see what, if anything, shines.

 

I see how the scenarios look like what they want, but I was just kind of playing versions of what will happen in the next few days in my head. At this point, all I really want is not to be an OW or a dirty secret as I am not built for this. I want to live honestly, even if we are just talking. If that means he comes clean, great, we will go from there. If that means I walk away because he didn't come clean, great, he really is just one of those MMs. In the end, everyone involved in this relationship should get a say and a fair chance so that there is nothing left unsaid and no stone left unturned. Hell, I would invite his mom to the conversation too, if I could. There HAS to be a better way than for people to make decisions for each other behind each other's backs in secrecy and shame. It is what is it. Let us own it and move forward, otherwise we (they) will always be stuck in the same dysfunctions and same what ifs.

 

Yeah. I guess everyone wants that - well, I do not want a conversation with MM's W, she knows who I am and spoke to my H, so that is where you and I differ I guess. I did notice at the beginning of your thread you said you were part of their open marriage for a while. Not sure if you read my threads, but my H also had an A and we tried an open marriage for several months. Same as in your situation, it was a huge flaming disaster. Both of our A's ended - I ended mine and the OW ended his, basically because he would not leave me. I was ready to drive him to her place but he really just wanted both. Watching my H go through his A in real time was amazing as I knew exactly what MM was doing - and it's not good. I don't want to lump all MM together but at least in my situation both MM and H were very happy to be married and have someone on the side and neither had any intention of leaving. When the A's ended, it was definitely harder on the women. H was sad for a little while but he bounced back.

 

For you, I assume you are single. I just hope you get a fast conclusion to this and are able to move on in whichever direction you take.

[yodelwithyu]

So is the plan that on Monday, you will give him some sort of ultimatum: come clean to his wife, or you walk? Or has he already said that he plans to come clean on Monday?

 

No ultimatums given from my end. I have never conducted relationships that way, and won't start now. In my opinion, I am taking away my OWN options by setting an ultimatum. I will not threaten someone to do the right thing. If he really doesn't know in his heart that I will not stand by while he makes a mockery of her and her rights, then I guess that speaks for itself. I have spent, and given him enough time to get his act together, but I have reached my limit. If I go on any longer being a secret and an interloper, I will NEVER be able to look at myself in the mirror again. Enough. So if he doesn't start by treating her like a human being, rather than a prisoner, I am out. And he doesn't get a heads up or a say in that.

 

The plan was for him to come clean and have talks sometime between Tuesday and Sunday, as she requested he take those days off to match with her days off. He asked my opinion, and I stated that if he IS indeed going to have these difficult conversations, that he should do so while she is off work and can take time to herself instead of having to deal with this devastation and then have to show up to work. So he decided to try and do it during this time. He goes back to work on his Sunday afternoon, already Monday for me, so that is why Monday.

 

The other thing that makes me feel like everything is going to be ok is that I am not a hysterical mess while they are having days off together and he and I are not in touch. It is the first time since the NC (when I left) that we have not been in touch more than twenty four hours. I requested that he not text me while he is with her (not just this week...since we got back in touch) because it makes me feel even grosser than usual (as she knew about me before I left) and, frankly, it hurts. So I told him only to text if he could talk these four/five days. We spoke early morning today for a short while about nothing really, because I had chambers and did not want to be distracted/tired for my patients.

Edited January 30, 2016 by yodelwithyu
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[Grammie]

The timeline is confusing me...do you mean this coming week or do you mean he has had off the last week and he still has not talked to his wife about his secret life and told her about all his lies? And how exactly will you know if he really had the talk? As you know, he has had no problems living to her (and you) so why are you trusting him about something this huge?

 

I hope for your sake you really are done being the OW, but I have a little bit of wondering if you won't still continue since you have continued as the OW, even though you said you can't. Spending 1-7 hours a day on the phone is obsessive and I'm wondering who has all the free time, while married, to be on the phone...so either he isn't going to work or he is sneaking to another part of the house while his wife sleeps to talk to you...which I'm surprised that doesn't give you even more qualms about being the OW. I can't imagine the phone bills, as you said you are 8000 miles away!

 

I wish peace for you...and I wish you would also not allow his choices to define your way forward. Why can't you just stop being the OW right now and tell him to not contact you u til/if he ever gets divorced? Why the waiting if you really are done being the OW?

[yodelwithyu]

The timeline is confusing me...do you mean this coming week or do you mean he has had off the last week and he still has not talked to his wife about his secret life and told her about all his lies? And how exactly will you know if he really had the talk? As you know, he has had no problems living to her (and you) so why are you trusting him about something this huge?

 

I hope for your sake you really are done being the OW, but I have a little bit of wondering if you won't still continue since you have continued as the OW, even though you said you can't. Spending 1-7 hours a day on the phone is obsessive and I'm wondering who has all the free time, while married, to be on the phone...so either he isn't going to work or he is sneaking to another part of the house while his wife sleeps to talk to you...which I'm surprised that doesn't give you even more qualms about being the OW. I can't imagine the phone bills, as you said you are 8000 miles away!

 

I wish peace for you...and I wish you would also not allow his choices to define your way forward. Why can't you just stop being the OW right now and tell him to not contact you u til/if he ever gets divorced? Why the waiting if you really are done being the OW?

 

He had off a few days this week, and we have only spoken briefly twice. Once on his father's death anniversary and the other day when I didn't want to get into it as I had training/actual patients that need 100% of my focus. So I am unsure where he is at in his conversations. I am using the quiet time to deal with my own feelings without being clouded by his progress/drama.

 

If you have read most of my thread, you will see that I never knew I was the OW, ended it, then he came back with the open marriage deal (verified by the W), but I couldn't even handle that and moved back to my home country indefinitely. Yes, I have been in touch with him recently for the last two months after not replying to his emails/phone calls for two and a half months. I think the first was to actually work though everything that happened and why. I felt traumatized. The second, we have been talking about how/if to move forward and all of that. I understand that it can take some time to accept and do things that might change your life as you know it. So I am done being the OW, and done giving him time to figure things out. He asked for a chance to make things right, and I am giving it to him. I have no intention to continue as an OW, as in reality, I haven’t been the “traditional affair OW” (I was an unwitting OW then an open marriage OW) until these last two months of phone contact as an emotional affair. At the end of the day, I am clearly still attached to him, and he asked to try and set things right and that is why I am waiting to end it, but not an arbitrary amount of time as an excuse.

 

As for trusting him to have that talk, first of all, he probably knows that I would want some verification. I thought I would too, but in the end, I decided without telling him that if there is not a drastic change in circumstance, I don’t need proof that the conversation took place or not, because little to no change is proof in itself that nothing happened. And it is an automatic exit sign.

 

One to seven hours a day on the phone I guess can seem obsessive. I know it feels crazy at times. But we aren’t just arguing or talking about the situation or things like that. We literally talk[ed] about EVERYTHING. Ourselves, childhoods, pop culture, family, news, hobbies, the meaning of every little thing and a boatload of asinine topics. I have never had that before in life. I didn’t even know it was a thing to be able to talk for that long for countless months. Again, mentioned in my thread, I was/am taking some time off due to health/PTSD (recently started woking/training part time for a psychiatrist) and exMM currently has a job where some days he has a ton of down time between clients. Even when he had eight/ten hour days at work at his old job, he found time in the evening most nights for 2-4 hours. And so when he wasn’t at work, he would actually walk around his neighborhood while talking to me, not in a corner of his house. This is before AND after I found out he was married and she found out he was cheating. Him finding that much time for me was also a huge reason why I was so blind-sighted when he told me he was married. I hope I have answered your questions/assumptions. I guess we have a weird situation and a weird bond. Maybe it IS obsession. It is what it is.

 

Thanks for your well wishes. I don’t plan on letting his choices affect mine moving forward. I planned on making informed choices, which is what I am doing in the next couple of days. As noted in another post, if we end things, which I am about 98% sure we are, I will lay his sh*t bare if he ever dares even contact me to say just to “hi” without legal separation/divorce papers in the future.

[yodelwithyu]

I can't imagine the phone bills, as you said you are 8000 miles away!

 

Sorry, forgot to answer this. Facetime/Facetime Audio, Skype, Viber, Whatsapp and hundreds of other apps are free to use. They utilize the internet. So no phone bills. Maybe data overage on his side, I'm mostly on wifi.

Edited January 31, 2016 by yodelwithyu

[yodelwithyu]

I just wanted to get something off my chest before I actually have an update and this will get pushed to the side. Genders can be switched out from OW to OM and W for H and I am speaking about scenarios with no kids.

 

I honestly think people who haven’t experienced being an unwitting OW don’t realize how difficult and messed up it can be. It is a total mind**ck. Complete malfunction of logic, love, brain, heart. When you find out the person you are in love with is married, you are a betrayed. But you are automatically a betrayer/abettor if your first instinct and capability is not to completely cut off contact immediately. So a GF/W (I know that M is a different category of commitment) can want to give out chances or make sense of the situation, while the GF who is actually an OW is just supposed to turn off her feelings and walk away? It doesn’t work like that. But then they also don’t get the right to grieve or give out chances to fight for something. The unwitting OWs are subhuman. If they are truly in love, their world just fell apart too. They feel cheated on/with also. But they are not allowed to say “cheated on” because is it unfair to the W who was ACTUALLY cheated on because she was there first, right? So the newly renamed OWs are meant to pick up all the pieces of everything and just vanish and heal because they aren’t supposed to want thy neighbor’s H?

 

I don’t know about others, but one day I was quite deliriously in love, which for me is goes hand in hand with being committed, and the next day I was automatically a malicious, skanky OW because I couldn’t turn off my feelings “someone else’s man” and didn’t ghost him. I felt betrayed AND I felt disgust towards myself that I couldn’t stop loving him. Most GFs/Ws don’t stop loving their men for cheating overnight and as we have seen on these boards, many choose to reconcile. But I was expected to just stop caring and NC, even though hours prior I was in love and committed and so wildly happy. Fair enough, BSs have vows and history and law. That doesn’t make us less hurt. In MY life as I knew it, the W was the new person thrust upon ME. But of course, my love is not real love. It is and can always only be limerence or chemicals, right? Even though I knew I loved him before I knew he was married, it cannot be real or worth anything because someone was in his life before me.

 

As hard as it was, in September, I walked away as not to destroy someone else’s relationship and did not fight for my own. Because God forbid, that as an OW, I should ever utter the words “I want you to just be with me.” It is very real and it is a fact, yet saying those words actually makes me a home wrecker. Even if I didn’t know I was the OW before our relationship has progressed to where it did. It is as if I am less than human and have no needs and am supposed to turn of my feelings because someone exists that I didn’t know about. Where is the justice in that? I built a relationship from the ground up as well. The W and I were both building a life with someone lying and living in fantasy land with both of us. I didn’t chose to be an OW just as she didn’t chose to be a BW. But we aren’t allowed to have to same feelings or rights.

 

Why if I love someone, do I just have to drop everything and disappear with a sh*t eating grin, especially when there are no children involved, when that is not expected of the W ever? I don’t necessarily mean in my equation, because disparity of time together is so great. But even in cases where the W and the OW have been around for about the same time. Legally, yes, I know why. But then the argument of history, time and all that goes out the window. Why fight for a cheater or lair? I don’t know, why is the W fighting and then everyone is all, “oh, it is hard, but I hope you make it through.” Commitment doesn’t just come from a piece of paper. It comes from the heart also.

 

Of course I didn’t have as much time and history with exMM or any legal commitment like his W does. But I lost the right to love or fight for a man who I connected with completely on an intellectual, sexual and emotional level, for someone I didn’t know even existed. Just because I am not a W doesn’t mean that I didn’t go through the utter shock of finding out I am not the only one. I went through all the stages of trauma and grief too, including bargaining, which would be the most obvious one throughout the rest of the relationship, considering the “open” situation. The loss of trust in myself and others. As if that is not hard enough to handle, I get all the OW pain too. The shame, the breadcrumbs and the guilt. Half a relationship, at best. I am still left questioning both realities and making sense of how everything i knew about people and myself got obliterated.

 

I still trigger like someone who was cheated on. Insecurity, rage, desolation and panic all come in waves all the time. And I still have to settle for breadcrumbs too. Having to be ok with less than I deserve in my shameful little corner, and then be grateful that I am not being stoned for being an adulteress by having/expressing feelings.

A committed and in love unwitting OW gets the all pain of a betrayed partner, and the all shame of a home wrecker. How very dehumanizing.

[yodelwithyu]

PS. I know that one should walk away from a cake-eating cheater and a lair regardless, but that is not what the post is about. It is about the dichotomy, love and angst of being a single unwitting OW in love with an MM with no kids. Sorry for the rant. I just think people sometimes forget the some of us didn’t walk into someone else’s life knowingly, and then are expected to walk out silently, though we fell in love long before we knew we were doing anything wrong.

 

PPS. Note I said unwitting OW is a betrayed partner. Not spouse.

 

PPPS. The post is also not about making excuses to stick around, DON’T WORRY!!! I guess it was a little insight into why I did then, and why I have so far.

 

PPPPS. Sorry for some of the repetition. I really am not a morning person.

[OWAmy]

Your pain is evident from your posts. Whats happening now is you're playing out the standard affair dynamic between single OW and MM. It doesn't matter how you got here - the innocence of how it started on your part is now irrelevant.

 

Do it your own way to get the closure you need. You're obviously intelligent and I don't see this messing up your life long term!

 

X

[yodelwithyu]

He didn’t come clean. He showed me everything I needed to know.

 

I am doing NC right this time. He is blocked on everything. I don’t have the strength tonight to delete everything. I know I should, and I will. I can barely get my hands to stop shaking to write this.

 

I sent an NC letter. He is not expecting it, but there is nothing I can do about that. I told him that if he ever contacted me without legal proof of being single, I would tell his wife everything I know, including things that have nothing to do with us that might be deal breakers. I just wanted to give myself an extra layer of protection from him even wanting to contact me. I hope he doesn’t try and call my bluff. He should know better, because we are both poker players, and I rarely bluff. If he contacts me, I will go ahead and do what I said. But I don’t want to. She should never hear any of those things from me, or anyone else, but him. I feel like if he breaks NC, and then I tell her everything, he will be in damage control and leave me alone. Especially because she will be watching. Also, hopefully, he will be so mad, that he will hate me and never want to contact me again.

 

I hurt.

 

I know I shouldn’t. But I do.

[Ms. Faust]

But you are automatically a betrayer/abettor if your first instinct and capability is not to completely cut off contact immediately. So a GF/W (I know that M is a different category of commitment) can want to give out chances or make sense of the situation, while the GF who is actually an OW is just supposed to turn off her feelings and walk away? It doesn’t work like that. But then they also don’t get the right to grieve or give out chances to fight for something. The unwitting OWs are subhuman. If they are truly in love, their world just fell apart too. They feel cheated on/with also. But they are not allowed to say “cheated on” because is it unfair to the W who was ACTUALLY cheated on because she was there first, right? So the newly renamed OWs are meant to pick up all the pieces of everything and just vanish and heal because they aren’t supposed to want thy neighbor’s H?

 

[/b]

 

I can think of two experiences in my life where someone committed such an a grievous affront to my life (at the time) that the feelings of love and devotion that I had to that person was turned off like a water spigot. The first time was the hardest, and I honestly think my reaction set the course for how I would always be if someone was that way to me.

 

He was my first love, I loved him so much. But he cheated with me and he cheated on me, and he lied to my face over, and over, and over, including hooking up with a girl right in front of me. So one night after all that nonsense went down (and we had sex ) we were outside talking on the patio while he smoked a cigarette. I got up to go inside and he said as I was walking in "I love you."

 

I looked at his sexy, puppy dog eyes, and I realized... Wow... this guy is full of so much sh*t he can't even fake it. And anything.... anything that I felt for him was gone in that minute. In fact, it was replaced with repulsion and rage. And I slammed the patio door in his face, lol. Went straight to bed. He came in 5 minutes later, gathered the rest of his clothes, and walked out. That was the end of our relationship. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was so significant.

 

I don't think I am alone in having experienced something like this. Sometimes people will do things to someone else, and it will turn off those feelings quite suddenly. So when someone doesn't react that way, it may be beyond one's comprehension.

 

It's beyond my comprehension how you were able to continue to have feelings after he lied to you. Probably the same way how you may not understand how I callously shut someone out that I proclaimed so much love for. Probably the same way neither of us may understand how anyone will stay with an abuser, or a deviant. It boils down to our experiences and how we are able to handle things. I have mucho sympathy for the unwitting "other woman" but once she finds out the truth and she continues I do feel the pain that is subsequently involved is self inflicted.

 

That being said, I do think of the unwitting OW as being cheated on. There is enough pain and grief to go around for everyone, and I see nothing "unfair" about it. This isn't a game, or a competition.

 

I don't think ghosting is necessary. My idea of ghosting is very suddenly ceasing communication with no explanation. I think everyone is duea reason, so I believe an explicit NC letter would always be appropriate. The residual feelings is, unfortunately, something the unwitting OW would need to work on.

 

As for the guy in my story who I once loved so much... we're Facebook friends now, lololol. He is happily married and is a local celebrity. It's all in the past, and even those feelings of resentment that I had for him are now long gone.

 

It is hard for me to imagine that they mattered once.

[yodelwithyu]

It's beyond my comprehension how you were able to continue to have feelings after he lied to you. Probably the same way how you may not understand how I callously shut someone out that I proclaimed so much love for. Probably the same way neither of us may understand how anyone will stay with an abuser, or a deviant. It boils down to our experiences and how we are able to handle things. I have mucho sympathy for the unwitting "other woman" but once she finds out the truth and she continues I do feel the pain that is subsequently involved is self inflicted.

 

That being said, I do think of the unwitting OW as being cheated on. There is enough pain and grief to go around for everyone, and I see nothing "unfair" about it. This isn't a game, or a competition.

 

I don't think ghosting is necessary. My idea of ghosting is very suddenly ceasing communication with no explanation. I think everyone is duea reason, so I believe an explicit NC letter would always be appropriate. The residual feelings is, unfortunately, something the unwitting OW would need to work on.

 

Ms. Faust, thanks for sharing your story. It actually made me smile. I like reading your posts on other’s threads and am glad you wrote on mine.

 

It is beyond my comprehension too, how I continue[d] to have feelings for him. I am guilty of giving people too many chances, but I reach a point when someone has let me down enough that I have patio door moments too. I think it is natural. And yes, everything I signed up for after finding out, including the really really stupid open relationship thing, was self inflicted. I just don’t understand any of this, really. I have no idea how to begin trusting myself again. I mean there weren’t even twenty-four hours between the time I admitted to myself that I was in love and thought “Sh*t, this is what it feels like. To be crazy in love, to be free, to let someone in and really see me. Could this be why it never worked out with anyone else?” I didn’t tell him that yet, though. Instead, he told me he was married. You would think that would be enough of a shock compared to what I felt the night before to get my head on straight, but apparently not.

 

I didn’t ghost him. I sent an NC email. I just said I couldn’t do it anymore, and that we had a good last conversation on the phone which ended with I love yous. So it was time to let go now, without dragging it on and making it into a tragic love story, which he proved to me it actually wasn’t.

[yodelwithyu]

Well, it has just gone past forty-nine hours of NC 2.0. I haven’t broken down yet. I have been mostly numb, with intermittent bouts of the air being sucked out of my lungs. I don’t think I will be as bad as last time though. Hopefully. Sleep and appetite have vanished, but I am keeping myself hydrated and distracted and force feeding calories.

 

Actually not even twelve hours after sending the NC letter, I got offered a job in a different country by my new boss. I am not sure I am qualified for the job, and am pretty sure I can’t work the hours required due to health reasons, and the pay is pretty sh*t, but I feel like it is a sign. Or at last a good excuse for an adventure and distraction. I don’t want to leave my mom here alone at this juncture, but I think this might be what I need to get over the initial bad bit of breaking up and NC. Also, I am no good to her like this.

 

I have to be quite honest. I know I have been numb because I am in denial. I get that I am the on who ended it, but I am still in denial. I didn’t do it to play games or illicit a response, but I think somewhere in my heart, though my head knows different, I feel he will fight for me. But I know that is not true. I have set a hard line he will not cross. However, the pathetic part is that if he does “fight for me,” it will just be a “ F it, tell her if you have to, I can’t live without you in my life” type scenario. Not even an “I have made a decision” kind of fight for me. So then it is worthless and I don’t need that in my life. I think it was unsaid before, but hell, if you love someone, obviously you want them to yourselves. So it is all or nothing. But honestly, I am just holding out hope that I write him off all together.

 

I am sure as soon as the denial does wear off, I will be quite a mess. And posting here without a doubt. But I will try to tone down the crazy and the drama in those posts, unlike before.

 

I mentioned in my last post that I give people to many chances. For the most part, that is a good thing. But I think the bigger problem is that even though I claim to be a realist, when it comes to people, I am an optimist. Of course the world is full of good people and bad, and all those in between, but all I really have learned is that good or bad, people will let you down. I have looked into the kindest eyes of someone who has loved me, yet been profoundly disappointed by them. More so, I have looked into the eyes of pure evil, of a man that stalked and sexually assaulted me. Yet I am still not completely jaded. Why the hell not? My life would be so much easier if I was. As I have said, most people will disappoint, even when they don’t mean to. So to still have that light inside me, to believe in people, and to hope that they have good inside and will do right, is my biggest fault. It is actually stupidity.

 

And stupid is why I am in this mess in the first place.

[yodelwithyu]

I can feel some of the denial wearing off and the withdrawal kicking in. Seems like the tears are fighting to fall today. Is this really me? I have never felt so pathetic and small in my life. Not even the first time we broke up and NC, while I was blubbering all over the place here.

[nugget_718]

I can feel some of the denial wearing off and the withdrawal kicking in. Seems like the tears are fighting to fall today. Is this really me? I have never felt so pathetic and small in my life. Not even the first time we broke up and NC, while I was blubbering all over the place here.

 

Hang in there Yodel. NC gets easier the 2nd time around. I have followed your story because mine is almost the same as yours. The only difference is we were gf/bf albeit long distance, 5 years ago, broke up, got back together, then broke up for good in 2013. We reconnected again April of last year, became intimate then last December he dropped the news that he got married a week before we reconnected. WTF!!! I've heard all the clichéd reason why he got married but they all sound yada yada, yada to me.

 

 

I know exactly how you feel, about the rug pulled out from under you, then going through the stages of loss till you can't handle that loss and you settle for crumbs just to have them in your life. But you never have them to begin with. And that is so hard to come to terms to. You will have a roller coaster of feelings and that is normal too but it does wore off as the day goes by. You will feel small, pathetic, stupid...insert any degrading term you can think of...and they will come in waves and even tsunami of emotions...but like other good feelings, they will pass with time. Use the distance to heal you. Use your time alone to reflect on your life; what you want and how you can learn from the mistakes that you made being in the relationship with your MM. You said your are very optimistic when it comes to people and you feel that you give way too many chances but do not think for a second that that is a weakness or stupidity. I am the same way...I tend to look for the good in people and they are friends until they show me otherwise. Weakness can also be your strength. You don't want to turn into a cynic.

[OWAmy]

NC is easier the second time around. Mine was a very final NC though - I stated that however his life panned out I never wanted anything further to do with him. I couldn't have done that 'come to me when you are officially single and ready to start afresh'. I'd seen enough to know that I did not want to be with a man like that. If you had stuck around longer then I don't doubt that you would also have come to a similar conclusion. But not a good enough reason to stick around longer.

 

I too have been through a lot in my life, but unlike what you describe in your latest post, regrettably mine have been self inflicted - some poor choices.

 

I guess we can let our disappointing experiences in love define us or we can use them as a springboard, learn from them and with the lesson learnt let them be the making of us.

 

I would not change who you are from what you have described.

[yodelwithyu]

Hang in there Yodel. NC gets easier the 2nd time around. I have followed your story because mine is almost the same as yours.

 

Thank for sharing your story Nugget (lol, sounds like a lovey dovey nickname). I tried to go back and see your posts, but the whole story of after you found out he was married is only in bits. But it helps to know I am not alone, and that someone can relate. But I can’t believe he got married AFTER you two were together again and didn’t tell you. Man. There are some messed up people in this world.

 

NC is easier the second time around. Mine was a very final NC though - I stated that however his life panned out I never wanted anything further to do with him. I couldn't have done that 'come to me when you are officially single and ready to start afresh'. I'd seen enough to know that I did not want to be with a man like that. If you had stuck around longer then I don't doubt that you would also have come to a similar conclusion. But not a good enough reason to stick around longer.

 

I too have been through a lot in my life, but unlike what you describe in your latest post, regrettably mine have been self inflicted - some poor choices.

 

OWAmy, I feel that my NC is a lot more final this time too, which is why it is not the same hard as the first time, but much more acute when it hits. Also, yes, in some sick way, I think I would like to have him in my life if he was single in some capacity, not necessarily as lovers or spouses (I would be a total liar and delusional if I said otherwise), but I didn’t mean “get in touch when legally single and you and I can start over.” I meant more like “if you dare even try and talk to be while you are still with your wife, I will lay your sh*t bare and she can finally know what she is dealing with.” But I wouldn’t do that to her if he contacted me if he wasn’t with her anymore, which is why I said legal proof. No need for her to go through that if she is not even with him and my knee jerk reaction is to tell her everything. Also, I didn’t mean I will even write back. It was literally meant as a stay away the F away from me if you can’t be an honest or good person or I will burn the house down and then some.

 

Perhaps the hardest part of this has been that so much of it was self inflicted. Almost everything else bad that has happened in my life was out of my control. I could only control how I reacted or dealt with it—not always the best, but whatever. But this was a mess entirely of my own making from the day he came clean to me. How I signed on to any of this crap, I will never know. So I suspect true moving on will happen when I am ready understand and forgive myself. Not him, though. He can stuff forgiveness where the sun don’t shine. And no, I don’t mean his heart of darkness.

 

________

 

As for the second time around, I really do hope it is easier. Yesterday got really really dark. I was actually have very crazy self-destructive thoughts. But something good-ish actually happened. Instead of reaching for my alprazolam or lorazepam (prescribed for over ten years), which makes me feel slightly better sometimes when I am spinning out, I took a diazepam in hopes to get some sleep. I didn’t sleep, because I didn’t even take the equivalent dose as an alprazolam, but I felt SO much better. I couldn’t believe it! I don’t think the other two anxiolytics have done anything like that for me ever. So I feel a little less afraid of the pain/anxiety (if that makes any sense…like the fear of pain being worse than the actual pain) than I was before and that has made me feel like I can ride it out a little better. Now I know if I get really bad, I can get some relief, which I wasn’t getting very much of with either of the other two. I suspect due to tolerance. Though I still remember that when first prescribed, I never felt such distinct relief. I can’t believe I just wrote an ode to diazepam. Please NO ONE take this as any sort of advice or something. My new boss is a psychiatrist and my grandmother is a doctor.

 

Also, I do realize if I had kept NC the first time, I wouldn’t be going through this again, but the last two months actually gave me a lot more closure than I had before. We had never even discussed a lot of the things we did this time around. It gave me more of an insight into him actually being like all the other MMs. Even more cowardly in some ways, in fact. We said things outright like what life would be like if it was just us, and that he might need to live single for a while to find out why he is the way he is, but nothing came of it. So there you have it. Also, everything I needed to know about being an actual secret OW, I found out this time, engaging in an EA with him. Never gonna happen, even if I am wading knee deep in the Nile. I realize I set back my healing many many months, but I feel like this time period has given me much more clarity and finality, which I did not have when I left in September. If he had come back sometime in the future, and I didn’t know all of this, he might have set me back years. Also, he might have actually held me back from moving on, or gotten in the way of a relationship, which, as I have stated is not going to happen while I am in this country.

 

You don't want to turn into a cynic.

I would not change who you are from what you have described.

 

As for changing who I am and becoming a cynic, I still wish I had become one. It still hurts so much when people let me down and I still choke on the smoke whenever someone blows out one of my inner hope candles. You know, it NEVER crossed my mind that he was married? And when I asked if he had a girlfriend or anything, I believed him when he said no. I didn’t realize I had to ASK if someone was married, so he skated on that technicality. What a douche he is, and what an idiot I was.

 

________

 

I do also have to keep reminding myself that I have been on so many hormones since October, that I might have had an epic rollercoaster ride, even if my life were rainbows and butterflies and red velvet cakes at the moment. I will also tell myself it was the hormones that helped pen some of my ridiculously frantic, ill-written posts, rather than just being an emotional lunatic who was a little too liberal with the caps lock.

[yodelwithyu]

OMG. Why am I so verbose??? I'm so sorry! I think I can fill maybe two thirds of the book I am actually writing with just my posts on this thread

[nugget_718]

Thank for sharing your story Nugget (lol, sounds like a lovey dovey nickname). I tried to go back and see your posts, but the whole story of after you found out he was married is only in bits. But it helps to know I am not alone, and that someone can relate. But I can’t believe he got married AFTER you two were together again and didn’t tell you. Man. There are some messed up people in this world.

 

 

I have not posted my story yet Yodel. Don't know if I am going to. The girl that he married was an ex-gf who he was on and off with for 15 years. He says he married her not for love but because it was what she deserved after her sacrifices for him and his family and it was expected of him. He had moved a lot due to the nature of his job and she'd always followed him. Even uprooted her child (she's a single mom) from her country of birth and live in a totally different country and culture when she was 10 yrs old. 2 years ago he had moved again to a different country and guess who followed him like a lost puppy dog...that's right...her. While here I am, the gf at that time who would not do anything for him (his words); not even initiate a call or lift a finger to text first much more consider moving for him. All true but there were reasons for all those. Anyway, I didn't want to hijack your thread so if you want to hear the story I can PM you.

[yodelwithyu]

"I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?"

-Kylo Ren

[lemondrop21]

Hi yodel,

Just wanted to let you know I read your updates and I'm cheering you on. Hang in there and let us know how you're dong when you get the chance.

 

I've very impressed with your NC letter and with threatening to tell his w everything. That seems like it will make things very final. Good for you.

[yodelwithyu]

Hi yodel,

Just wanted to let you know I read your updates and I'm cheering you on. Hang in there and let us know how you're dong when you get the chance.

 

I've very impressed with your NC letter and with threatening to tell his w everything. That seems like it will make things very final. Good for you.

 

Hey LemonDrop. I am not going to lie. I was pretty impressed with myself for the hard line I drew. I could have just as easily said "get in touch with me when you have told her everything and we can go from there." But that would have left me nowhere. In limbo and sharing still, like during the open times. And truth be told, having him back in my life while I was home this time was actually making my life better than it had been here since forever, save a few days here and there. But I just couldn't be the OW. The first month we were in touch we talked about what went wrong. The second month we were in touch, he talked about how, when and why to come clean. And suddenly, I was out of time.

 

I could have also done the "you tell her or I will," but as I have said, ultimatums are not my style.

 

It still sucks though, doesn't it? Because I knew by doing this, I would never hear from him again. Because I never meant that much. And that will keep me from breaking NC I think, because otherwise I will ALWAYS know that I didn't matter enough.

 

Hope you are doing alright.

[yodelwithyu]

Just checking in. I am almost at day twelve, and I feel weird. Mostly I have been feeling numb except for some times when it hits me like when a cold wind suddenly hits your and makes it hard to breathe. But for the most part, I haven’t cried that much. Or felt that much. I am scared it is because I am in some sort of denial.

 

Last time I went NC, he had started emailing on day sixteen. When we got back in touch again, he mentioned that he had waited too long and should not have waited that many days. Maybe I will feel like it is really over or the real beginning of NC will be when he does’t get in touch by day sixteen. Maybe it will start to hurt then. I hope not. Strangely, I was in Thailand for day sixteen last time and will be here for that day this time too (had to get out of town for a bit this week).

 

Also, I had sent some stuff to that email address he had created to email me last time he broke NC, but he hasn’t even bothered checking it since I broke it. That is how blasé he seems about the situation. So there you have it.

 

I just feel strange. I don’t feel like myself. But I am not like falling apart or anything. I just thought I was being normalish, just a little quiet. But even my dad, who is literally the most self involved robot asked me what was going on. Because I haven’t been shopping. Lol. And that IS strange. I mean, I shop for fun. But also believe in retail therapy as a distraction. Even if I am just buying presents. So I guess not shopping much at all in Thailand is a huge red flag to my dad.

 

I just feel f**ked up somehow. Something is not right. Anyway, at least I haven’t felt like breaking NC. So there is that.

[yodelwithyu]

Well, day sixteen came and went without anything to report, and I am so glad. Nothing more broke inside me than what was already broken. No extra tears were shed.

 

I cried a little on the two nights after I last posted and wondered if I triggered or was just feeling release. There are little moments here and there where the thoughts become too painful to bear, but on the whole I am still quiet. Maybe the whole two months of whatever we went through really did help me move on some or get the dose of reality I needed. I really hope so. But hope is scary. And somehow I doubt that the storm has passed. But I still hope that it doesn’t get back to what it was like last time with NC. In fact, I am not sure entirely of the day count, I had to check. That is good. I am also starting to feel much more acute anger than I did last time. This is also good. I didn’t get angry enough before. Or ever. When I start feeling like a human again, I hope what I feel mostly is anger, not sadness.

 

I am so tired, though. So very tired.

[yodelwithyu]

I forgot to say…I am not saying I am never thinking of him. I think of him always. Now I even dream about him more. I am just not going through what I did last time. I am not falling apart.

 

But I do feel like I want to disappear every day. I wish it would stop. I literally keep saying/seeing those words in my head without wanting to.

 

“I wish I could disappear.”