From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[jenkins95]

I forgot to say…I am not saying I am never thinking of him. I think of him always. Now I even dream about him more. I am just not going through what I did last time. I am not falling apart.

 

But I do feel like I want to disappear every day. I wish it would stop. I literally keep saying/seeing those words in my head without wanting to.

 

“I wish I could disappear.”

 

You are doing GREAT!!!!!

 

Such a critical time - every day will feel terrible at the moment and you will go through moments of significant weakness. Get past day 100 and you WILL feel a difference. I have noticed that day 100 is considered quite a significant target in NC. Most posters report that they feel noticeably better by then - lots of ups and downs getting there, and even at 100, there's still a long, long way to go, but think of it there on the horizon. I know it seems like forever from now until then, but......one day at a time!

 

You got past what for you is a significant target of 16 days. Next target - one full month......before you know it, the magical 100 will be ahead of you.

 

Keep posting - we're with you! you are doing an amazing job! Take care of yourself yodel

[lemondrop21]

Hey yodel,

Good to hear an update from you, I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering how you were doing. To be honest I had worried a little that you were back in the A since you hadn't posted. Despite your NC letter, we all know how these things have their ways of re-starting. But, it sounds like you have done everything in your power to stop it and it's sticking. Congratulations!

 

It sounds like you might be in the "denial" stage but it's hard to tell since you have done NC before. I know you're familiar with the stages of grief. For me, when we first broke up (6 weeks ago) and were LC, I didn't cry for maybe 5 or 6 days because of shock, or denial, or whatever.

 

There's a part of me that was still going back to denial on some days, and I suppose that may continue for a while although I hope it doesn't. I was very surprised that he hadn't contacted me on day 17... 18... 19... and then I got the text on Day 20. I'm glad you've gotten to Day 16 and I do think yours will wait quite awhile to contact you, if he does try, due to the seriousness of the NC letter... but he still may try once he thinks you've cooled off enough.

 

Just try and focus on all your reasons for ending it. If you didn't mean enough to him for him to be with you in a legitimate relationship, there was no reason to waste one more day on this. You absolutely did the right thing.

[RRM321]

But I do. I loved the man I thought he was, and I loved who I was when I was with him and the way it felt to be with him (before everything).... My feelings were real, even if they were for a fake person.

 

I have no idea who I am. I am so lost.

 

I apologize for not yet reading the whole thread. This simply stood out for me from your original post.

 

He's not who you thought he was, and the way you felt with him will always be available inside you to feel with someone else. Now that you know it's not real - how do you feel about having been lied to and strung along?

 

Yes, you are lost but, no so far from home. Who were you before this started? What did you believe and of what character? You're still that person if you'd like to return there, albeit a little wiser for the trip.

 

You don't own their drama, it really is as simple as choice.

[yodelwithyu]

I know it seems like forever from now until then, but......one day at a time!

 

You got past what for you is a significant target of 16 days. Next target - one full month......before you know it, the magical 100 will be ahead of you.

 

Thanks Jenkins. I don’t know if I looked at day sixteen as a target, but I think I was more afraid that it would be a trigger. At this point, I am happy with any days of NC. I do look forward to day one hundred. Last time I went NC, I made it to about day eighty-five with one slip up from me, and about an email every two weeks from exMM. So I guess it wasn’t really NC, more like LC. But what frightened me was that I didn’t really feel much relief at all until we were back in touch. But it is different this time. I was so definitive in my letter, and this were so much clearer this time around, that if I broke NC, I would really just have to admit that I don’t love or respect myself at all. I don’t want to be that person. I want to love myself. I feel like I haven’t in so long. I was just starting to when I met him, and then the whole mess started and I felt worse about myself than I have since experiencing a trauma seven years ago.

 

To be honest I had worried a little that you were back in the A since you hadn't posted. Despite your NC letter, we all know how these things have their ways of re-starting. But, it sounds like you have done everything in your power to stop it and it's sticking. Congratulations!

 

I'm glad you've gotten to Day 16 and I do think yours will wait quite awhile to contact you, if he does try, due to the seriousness of the NC letter... but he still may try once he thinks you've cooled off enough.

 

Just try and focus on all your reasons for ending it. If you didn't mean enough to him for him to be with you in a legitimate relationship, there was no reason to waste one more day on this. You absolutely did the right thing.

 

Hey Lemon, I just replied to your thread. I figured that some people might think I had fallen back, which is also why I updated. I think if I ever break NC, I will post immediately, because I feel accountable here…on an anonymous forum, WTH. I have also thought maybe he might contact me when he thinks I cool off (literally those words went through my head), but I also think he knows that the letter didn’t come from a place of anger. It came from a sense of defeat, devastation and a huge dose of reality. He didn’t know that our last conversation was going to be our last. I didn’t either, and then near the end of the conversation, I did. We didn’t fight, and nothing bad was happening. So we ended with lots of I love yous as I hadn’t said it in a while, and I let that be that. He knew I was sad, of course, as I was profoundly disappointed in him for not coming clean. Anyway, as I mentioned above, really, I am serious about my condition about contacting his wife if he contacts me without proof of being single. Or I guess if you really think about it, he could have proof he came clean and contact me so I would have no reason to tell her. In any case, it would require real effort on his part, and I am not even saying I would want to be with him if he does all that. But I cannot and will not degrade myself to even talk to him if he can’t prove anything is different or that I actually mean anything. I absolutely know I did the right thing. But it still hurts and I still feel not like myself.

 

Now that you know it's not real - how do you feel about having been lied to and strung along?

 

Yes, you are lost but, no so far from home. Who were you before this started? What did you believe and of what character? You're still that person if you'd like to return there, albeit a little wiser for the trip.

 

RRM, unfortunately, I have had a little bit of a rough ride for the last decade or so, and was just coming into feeling happy and like myself when I met exMM. Perhaps that is why I felt even more lost, because I cannot believe I would be a person who would agree to date someone in an open marriage because I was already in love with him. I don’t recognize who I became, but it was significant because I had felt so lost for a long time before that too. I just got all scrambled up. I don’t know. I still feel like I am looking at a stranger in the mirror sometimes. Pretty pathetic, right? As for how I felt/feel about the lying and stringing along, pathetic also about sums it up. Plus some anger and some disgust. Towards him and myself.

[RRM321]

RRM, unfortunately, I have had a little bit of a rough ride for the last decade or so, and was just coming into feeling happy and like myself when I met exMM. Perhaps that is why I felt even more lost, because I cannot believe I would be a person who would agree to date someone in an open marriage because I was already in love with him. I don’t recognize who I became, but it was significant because I had felt so lost for a long time before that too. I just got all scrambled up. I don’t know. I still feel like I am looking at a stranger in the mirror sometimes. Pretty pathetic, right? As for how I felt/feel about the lying and stringing along, pathetic also about sums it up. Plus some anger and some disgust. Towards him and myself.

 

 

When you are missing and want something bad enough you will project it onto the first likable and amenable character that allows you to do so. It's literally the psychological equivalent of tossing a coin into a fountain.

 

Unfortunately, the people who typically allow you to do this have no reservations when it comes to using or manipulating people, or at the very least are junkies for the ego boost.

 

Pay closer attention to the people you get involved with and keep the word: "Reciprocation" foremost in your mind. This is not about exchanging an equal number of greeting cards. It's about who is the initiator, plus when and why they initiate. Who has control, and how do they use it?

Edited March 2, 2016 by RRM321

[yodelwithyu]

When you are missing and want something bad enough you will project it onto the first likable and amenable character that allows you to do so. It's literally the psychological equivalent of tossing a coin into a fountain.

 

Unfortunately, the people who typically allow you to do this have no reservations when it comes to using or manipulating people, or at the very least are junkies for the ego boost.

 

Pay closer attention to the people you get involved with and keep the word: "Reciprocation" foremost in your mind. This is not about exchanging an equal number of greeting cards. It's about who is the initiator, plus when and why they initiate. Who has control, and how do they use it?

 

He was not the first likable OR amenable person I came across at that time. Also, except for the man who assaulted me and exMM, I have mostly really good people around me. Except for some socialite sh*ithead types who I never let get close. My rough times had to do with trauma and health. Not letting a**holes into my life. But still, I guess I have to keep my eyes wider open after all of this. Which sucks also.

[yodelwithyu]

I want to sleep. I am not falling apart or anxious, so why are there images and thoughts in my head all the time? Like a creep. Medication helps, but I still can’t sleep. And I can’t take more.

 

Maybe that is why I think I love him. Because when he was next to me, I slept soundly for the first time in forever. Until I found out he sleeps next to someone else every night he was not with me. And now I am here. And the images won’t stop. I want it to stop and I want to be able to sleep.

[jenkins95]

I want to sleep. I am not falling apart or anxious, so why are there images and thoughts in my head all the time? Like a creep. Medication helps, but I still can’t sleep. And I can’t take more.

 

Maybe that is why I think I love him. Because when he was next to me, I slept soundly for the first time in forever. Until I found out he sleeps next to someone else every night he was not with me. And now I am here. And the images won’t stop. I want it to stop and I want to be able to sleep.

 

Yodel

 

Day 22, right? Very tough days. Have you ever seen the film "Trainspotting"? If so, think of the scene when Renton is in his bedroom suffering like hell, several days into his attempt to kick heroin. If you haven't seen it, please watch it - it's very effective. That's where you are now. That's why you feel like s***. That's why you can't sleep. That's why your mind won't give you a moment's peace.

 

Stick with it. Renton eventually got better in that film. And so will you.

 

I think it will be hell for many days - but imagine that 100 day target ahead of you. I think it is highly unlikely if you stick to strict NC, that you won't feel a LOT better buy then. The statistics themselves support this. Not fully recovered of course, but the pain will be just about bearable, you will able to function and to know that you are on the right road.

 

Keep going - and keep coming to us.

(((hug)))

[yodelwithyu]

Yodel

 

Day 22, right? Very tough days.

 

Keep going - and keep coming to us.

(((hug)))

 

Actually, I checked and it is now day twenty four. I'm not really keeping track like that, and have to check on an app. Which is really good. But I also think it is because the days are blending together, which is not so good.

 

Did I say that the anniversary of the day we met passed? And I was just like this. Maybe a little sadder but only at times. I am relying a little too heavily on medication right now, but I am so afraid of feeling like I did in September. I can't do that again. If I feel like that I know I will break NC. So medicated and sedated for now it is.

 

Thank you for being here Jenkins. For all of us. It helps to have someone care when feel I am not worthy of it.

[jenkins95]

Yodel, yes I'm here It's an honour to be here for you and others to try to show you that people care, just as the support I get from all you guys means so much to me and has made a big difference to me and continues to do so every day.

 

So a key date just passed - the anniversary of your first meeting. Well no wonder you are feeling extra low - that's a very common trigger. Get it well behind you and you will have navigated an important and significant bump in the road. Stay brave and strong - the road will get less bumpy eventually.

 

Try to have a good sleep and I hope you feel a little better tomorrow. Make sure you stay in control of your meds - hopefully you won't need them for much longer.

 

...... And never, ever think that you are not worthy of other people's care. You are a sensitive, lovely precious human being with feelings and who is hurting right now. You mean a lot to us and we want to see you get better.

 

Please post again soon - we're here for you.

Edited March 3, 2016 by jenkins95

[yodelwithyu]

So a key date just passed - the anniversary of your first meeting. Well no wonder you are feeling extra low - that's a very common trigger.

 

Actually, the date was even before day sixteen. But it went without incident. Part of why I thought/think I may be in some denial shock nonsense.

 

Full disclosure: two more major triggers coming up really soon and another round fertility things in between them. It is going to be quite a ride.

[RRM321]

Through all of this, I still want him to break NC, not to re-establish contact, but just to know that I mattered. That I wasn’t just a whore. At least then I can try to start forgiving myself.

 

I don't think I'd characterize a person solely on the basis of encounters they've had with one individual MM, regardless of whatever the MM himself may think.

 

If you make a habit of bedding other women's husbands, then by all means talk down to your self. Otherwise, just step it up and go find someone who's fully available to you.

 

When you get right down to it - married men aren't much of a challenge, more often they are the ones hunting you. Over time a lot of marriages become less exciting than clandestine sex and that makes the WM easy prey. If you really want to feel better about your self step up your game and hunt the big game.

[yodelwithyu]

I don't think I'd characterize a person solely on the basis of encounters they've had with one individual MM, regardless of whatever the MM himself may think.

 

If you make a habit of bedding other women's husbands, then by all means talk down to your self. Otherwise, just step it up and go find someone who's fully available to you.

 

When you get right down to it - married men aren't much of a challenge, more often they are the ones hunting you. Over time a lot of marriages become less exciting than clandestine sex and that makes the WM easy prey. If you really want to feel better about your self step up your game and hunt the big game.

 

Most of what I talk down to myself is that I didn't have the strength or integrity to walk away from the guy I was in love when I found out he was married and such a lair. And even after all the times he let me down when we were working out the kinks of his makeshift open marriage. For the record, this guy did hunt me. He made himself so available to me that even in hindsight, I can't think of more than one or two small clues that he was with someone else. He made all the effort and the time and just kept coming after me, even though he knew I was falling in love and he knew that he was married and I could only ever get hurt. But as he told me AND his wife, he fell in love with me and couldn't stop himself. That is a pretty sh*tty way to love someone.

[yodelwithyu]

What if you

Could wish me away?

What if you

Spoke those words today?

 

I wonder if you'd miss me?

When I'm gone.

It's come to this, release me.

I'll leave before the dawn.

 

But for tonight,

I'll stay here with you.

Yes, for tonight,

I'll lay here with you.

 

But when the sun

Hits your eyes,

Through your window,

There'll be nothing you can do.

 

 

I miss you, B. I can’t tell anyone. And I can’t tell you. So tonight I will just pretend that you loved me like I loved you. And that you think of me like I think of you. And when I wake up tomorrow, hopefully it will be a little better than is it right now.

[lemondrop21]

What if you

Could wish me away?

What if you

Spoke those words today?

 

I wonder if you'd miss me?

When I'm gone.

It's come to this, release me.

I'll leave before the dawn.

 

But for tonight,

I'll stay here with you.

Yes, for tonight,

I'll lay here with you.

 

But when the sun

Hits your eyes,

Through your window,

There'll be nothing you can do.

 

 

I miss you, B. I can’t tell anyone. And I can’t tell you. So tonight I will just pretend that you loved me like I loved you. And that you think of me like I think of you. And when I wake up tomorrow, hopefully it will be a little better than is it right now.

 

This is very touching and beautiful, yodel. And I do believe with all my heart that he is missing you just as much as you are missing him right now. But you are doing what's best for you, you are claiming back your dignity and your pride and if there is any goodness in him then he wants you to have those things too. Unfortunately he was a broken man who couldn't give you everything you deserve, so you've had to walk away in order to give yourself what you deserve.

 

Thank you for sharing your poems, thoughts and ramblings with those of us who are going through similar times. We're all thinking of you.

[jenkins95]

This is very touching and beautiful, yodel. And I do believe with all my heart that he is missing you just as much as you are missing him right now. But you are doing what's best for you, you are claiming back your dignity and your pride and if there is any goodness in him then he wants you to have those things too. Unfortunately he was a broken man who couldn't give you everything you deserve, so you've had to walk away in order to give yourself what you deserve.

 

Thank you for sharing your poems, thoughts and ramblings with those of us who are going through similar times. We're all thinking of you.

 

Agree 100% with lemon's lovely words. And as an MM, I can almost guarantee he's missing you, even if he gives no clue. If he's maintaining NC he is trying to protect you both in the only way he has left. Stick to it yodel. We're here

[bathtub-row]

I think a couple of the things that got me past my feelings for xMM is realizing that trusting him would come very hard, and the thought that no matter how hard he chased me, no matter what he said or did, he was willing to break my heart because other things and other people were more important to him than I was. And, in a sane world, that should never be ok with me.

 

I watched how he lied to and deceived his wife. I watch how he shelters his reputation at his company, I listen to the complete BS that sometimes comes out of his mouth. He still wants to talk to me and be my friend but it always falls flat because I just don't have the trust nor the hope I once had. The bottom line is, I'm not impressed with his behavior, and I'm not impressed with how he treated me. He may be God in his little kingdom but I no longer see him that way and I no longer excuse what he did.

 

Someday, you'll remove the rose-colored glasses and probably wonder why you ever thought your xMM was so great. Hard to believe now but it's true.

Edited March 6, 2016 by bathtub-row

[yodelwithyu]

So clearly from my last post, it is obvious that sadness is creeping in. Two nights was a bad night as well. I cried a lot more than I have since I started NC this time. It wasn’t the breathless hyperventilating type cry, nor was it the ugly cry. But just the crying that happens when you are so profoundly unhappy and the tears keep coming even when you are thinking of something else. But in the end I reached for the trusty meds (makes me nervous to rely on them so much) and eventually I fell asleep. I also have moments of clarity about things I knew before, such as how would I ever trust him, and it feels different than before, but it only last a few seconds. But it is welcomed relief, no matter how fleeting.

 

Thank for your comment about my poems and ramblings Lemon. For some reason that really really meant a lot to me. Though in this case, I had posted the lyrics to a song by Joshua Radin, because it echoed the words that were going through my head…that maybe in the light of day the next I could face the truth, but for that night I would pretend. Sometimes I just want to post what is on my mind at that very moment, because it doesn’t get more real than that.

 

Lemon and Jenkins, I know this is going to sound…I don’t know. I am sure he misses me too. And that in his own f**ked up he loved me, and loves me still. But that is not good enough. I don’t care. If he missed and loved me the way I do him, he would fight for me, as I fought myself for him. So if his missing and love is not enough to be a better man to both his W and me, then it doesn’t register and it doesn’t make me feel any better, and I could give zero damns. I don’t mean to sound bratty or anything, but it is the truth. He has basically cheated how whole relationship, she has cheated on him (and never came clean not knowing he knew already), they have no kids, they had such a lack of relationship that when he was with me for days and hours, I had no idea he was married because they never even saw each other, it seems. So really, I am not even talking about making the choice for one over the other, but the chance to come clean and be authentic and see where the chips fall. He has done it before and then proposed and open marriage, so why was it to difficult this time? But I am not even worth that, so I don’t care if he misses me or loved me at all.

 

Another truth is that he IS a serial cheater and a liar. So I know he is no prize. I do have rose colored glasses on, Bathtub, but not about him. About the way we interacted. Emotionally, conversationally, and, of course, sexually. It is clearer to me this time about how scummy he can be, as he had confessed to yet another woman he had cheated with for a long time. But “obviously” the difference was that he never loved her, even after that long. So there are still the rose colored glasses about some things, but I don’t think I have ever put him on a pedestal thinking he is the best thing since sliced bread. Our conversations though, yeah…they were high up there.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I know that he is stuck in his marriage and I am free to date. As soon as I leave this country, that is exactly what I will try to do or just you know, travel to new places and learn new things. I actually liked being single, not from a dating standpoint, but more so from a freedom and individuality standpoint. In fact, when I first met him, I was enjoying this exact thing, but truly and happily for the first time in my adult life without being bogged down by trauma or responsibilities. I look forward to that again. I have no problem being single, I actually kind of like not being in a relationship sometimes. But just sucks to be single and in love with someone when you know they don’t go to bed alone and can just hold someone else’s hand tight when they need to. I know that everyone says a marriage is forever changed or “tainted” by affairs, while OWs are free to start over, but as a single OW who didn’t know she was one, and then became one, I feel forever tainted too. I look forward to feeling like I was right before I met him, but now I am scared to trust, understandably. I hate to say it, and I never thought I would be THAT person. But I am also scared to love so fully and openly again. Not because I think everyone will cheat, but relationships break down for a myriad of reasons, and I don’t think I can survive losing my heart like that again.

 

“We don’t even ask happiness, just a little less pain.”

―Charles Bukowski

[jenkins95]

Sorry to hear how horribly you've been treated and used yodel.

 

(((Yodel)))

 

We are here for you. J

[yodelwithyu]

Sorry to hear how horribly you've been treated and used yodel.

 

(((Yodel)))

 

We are here for you. J

 

Oh NOOO! I didn't mean for this post to come off like that! It is almost as if you read the actual pity party angerball post I am currently writing. I have said this before; except for everything to do with him being married (HAH), he actually didn't treat me badly ever. And never misbehaved and even took my lunatic rants without ever really losing it. And he did make many many changes to accommodate me and was thoughtful. BUT, the whole tricking me into a relationship and dragging me into his mess is inherently treating someone horribly. So save your hugs and condolences for the next post. It ain't pretty!

 

But I still like your hugs and presence regardless. (((Jenks)))

 

PS. Work through what you have to, however you have to. Please don't get scared and run away!

[yodelwithyu]

So a year ago today, at this very hour, I was sitting in the corner of a hotel room where I had crumpled after the man I was madly in love told me he was married. I stayed there for hours. Sometimes crying, sometimes shaking and sometimes catatonic. You know those scenes in movies where they do a time lapse from daytime to sunset to nighttime back to sunrise? Yeah…that totally happened. Two or three days later I woke up in the ER because I hadn’t slept or eaten those days, partied, drank and chain-smoked (two and a half years after quitting) entire time and was so stressed that when the paramedics arrived, my heart rate was at 235.

 

I can’t believe that I have been struggling with this for a year of my life now. That the man I loved is just a d*ickhead and I am just a weak and broken person. I am angry at myself that I will never get that time back. I am disappointed that it wasn’t enough for me to find my anger and cast him out of my life for good. But we live and we learn, I guess. I slept most of the day. But I am mostly ok. My chest is tight and it hurts on and off. No tears though. I used to rapid cycle through all the stages of grief on most days during the first NC, minus acceptance. Lately I am still cycling through, however, acceptance sometimes makes an appearance. Even is only for a few seconds. But to me that is progress and I am thankful.

 

There was this line from Grey’s Anatomy that had been playing in my head over and over about exMM two days ago (bolded below). Then I read the whole quote and somehow it still applied minus the whole mother/daughter/doctor/waking up five years later thing (LOL so pretty much all of it). But today, as I am recalling what I put myself though for the last year, it is actually more about myself, I think.

 

“You're happy? You're happy now? The Meredith I knew was a force of nature. Passionate, focused, a fighter. What happened to you? You've gone soft! Stammering about a boyfriend and say that you're waiting to be inspired. You're waiting for inspiration? Are you kidding me? I have a disease for which there is no cure, I think that would be inspiration enough! Listen to me, Meredith. Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy. But not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life. I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after 5 years and discover that you are no more than ordinary! What happened to you?”

 

Oh, and I had to check the app, but I am thirty two days sober of B.

[jenkins95]

Yodel! For once....... I'm speechless !

 

Another Jenks hug for you (((yodel)))

 

You're amazing.

[yodelwithyu]

You're amazing.

 

I don't feel so amazing today. Acceptance can also come with tears right? When I left work, I didn't even make it out of the elevator before the tears started falling. I cried a little when I got home and then slept a little. Now I just feel a little empty. How long can I possibly keep numbing myself with medication and sleep before I am considered dependent?

 

I remember when I started this thread, I titled it “Dying Inside and Out.” After a while, that made me cringe. A lot. So I asked the moderators to change it. But the truth is, that is how it felt then. That is how I had felt on and off since I found out he was married and more prominently after NC part one. I don’t feel that way most the time this time round. But that is because certain parts of me have died.

[yodelwithyu]

I feel empty. And too exhausted to feel anger. Or anything else, for that matter.

[yodelwithyu]

I didn't realize that it had been so many days since I had last posted. Just updating to say I have not fallen back in or anything. I know a lot of us sometimes think that when an OW thread hasn't been updated in a while that the A has resumed. It has not.

 

I'm not doing great, and have also been trying to stay away from LS a little. Awomansworth's thread was a huge trigger for me. More than that, there have been so many new threads about sexual assault with the R word in the title. I have not been in a good place and am not dealing with things in the right way, but too tired to write more at the moment. But just posting to say I have not been in the A, thereby making MIA, in case anyone was curious.