From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[Dylon]

Hey Yodel, I hear how you are blaming yourself for many things, especially that you were "tricked". If someone lied to us, we are to blamed that we didn't figure it out and always know? You have to shift the blame to him for the lies. You weren't looking for a relationship or to have an affair. I think it was very clear from all your posts. He created a situation, a false one. Try not to internalize things that happened and somehow think you created your own hurt. It didn't happen that way, right? It's clear! Take care of yourself today!

[yodelwithyu]

Dear B,

 

I really needed you today, just like I needed you this day a year ago. I needed someone that day. Anyone. I wish I could still write you my letters. I mean, sometimes I still do, but you just don’t get them because they never get sent. And I am not writing them to you anyway. I am writing them to the love of my life, a person I had apparently made up in my head.

 

I look back now, and today was the day that everything changed. Yes, the few days leading up to it changed many things, but this was the day. Amidst all the turmoil of what you had done and who you really were, I found out that I lost a baby we made together. A miracle baby, considering the odds of being safe, as well as me having fertility issues. That day I found out our baby died. But you weren’t there, because you were with your wife, who I had just found out about. I just I couldn’t see it; that you had never been mine. There was never a we or us. So I should I have thought to myself that MY baby died, and I didn’t even know I had one inside me. But I thought of it as ours. You came up a name for her, because before I had told you that if I ever had kids, I wanted daughters. Why would you do that? This was the day everything changed. Because my baby died. And part of me died with it. Maybe the part that had the strength to tell you and your wife to leave me alone. The strength not to get pulled into your mess. But a part of me was gone forever, and for so long I’ve it was you, but it wasn’t.

 

I just couldn’t see it until now why I held on so tightly to you, and why I accepted the arrangement you came up with just days later of an open relationship. I shared with you something I had never shared with anyone, and will never, as there is only ever the first time that you are pregnant—and I thought it meant something. That we meant something. That I meant something. I was already on my own then, but I was just too blind to see it. You said it had never happened to you before either, but now I am not sure. And then it DID happen, and your wife got pregnant a few months later. An accident after sixteen years together. An accident that had never happened before, even as teenagers, but did when you said you weren’t even sleeping together. What I fool I was. You must look back and have a good laugh at all the lies I believed. Including this one, that you didn’t tell me until December. I wonder how you were able to tell me I was so intelligent all the time when I believed so many of your lies. Were you just compartmentalizing or just facetious?

 

The thing is B, that even in that scenario, you had a choice. With her. You and her got to decide together, not that I didn’t know what your decision was going to be, the end the pregnancy. I am so angry at you. Not because she got pregnant, but because she got a choice. She was able to make a decision on what she wanted. I was never afforded that opportunity, just as I wasn’t offered the opportunity to make an informed choice about entering into a relationship with you. So I am angry at you. And I am so hurt. And I am so sad. I know it wasn’t actually you fault I lost the baby, but I should have never even been in that situation. This time last year, I should have been single, because if you had a shred of humanity in you, you wouldn’t have pursued me like you did. And then I wouldn’t have been in that situation at all. Because we would have never been together. That is on you.

 

So there you have it. I have figured out why I changed and what happened to me, to make me desperate enough to want even just a little bit of you. To make myself front and center, ready to get more messed up than ever. But that doesn’t absolve you of anything. I know what changed, but I still don’t know how to fix it. I am still here mourning on my own, just like I mourned completely alone last year, while you probably have no idea what today is. Because you weren’t there. You never were.

 

Regrettably still yours,

F

[yodelwithyu]

^^ I didn’t know where to put this. I wrote it in my journal and it still felt like it wasn’t said. So I am saying it here. This is the last of my bad first anniversaries. The next one to look forward to is the last day I saw him, and I really hope at that time, I can look as a win, and therefore, celebrate.

 

Unfortunately, I am starting my net round of egg freezing day after tomorrow. The timing could not be worse from a hurting point of view, but as I have said before, I am on a schedule. Hopefully I won’t be a colossal mess with regards to posting in the next month, but no guarantees, sorry!

Edited April 16, 2016 by yodelwithyu

[bathtub-row]

What this jerk did to you was unconscionable. Just reading what you wrote makes me wish he'd get pushed off a cliff. Someday you're going to find it in your heart to see and feel things more clearly. I would personally never forgive someone for lying to me in the way that he did to you. He couldn't be charming enough, handsome enough, or anything enough. Something in me would shut off because I'd know I could never trust that person again. Not ever.

 

He never deserved you and I think he was always aware of that. Hence, the lies.

[OWAmy]

Oh no I did not realise that you had lost a baby together. It all makes sense to me now why you are finding this 'extra' difficult to move on from.

 

The "last of your bad memories". This is how things are for me - the first year anniversaries of bad or good-at-the-time are always hard.

 

All the best with your egg freezing. This is a very positive action and taking control of your future :-))

 

xx

[jenkins95]

Yodel, I have tears streaming down my face reading that.

 

I'm pretty speechless right now. I've read a lot of your story on other posts and threads, but this post is so raw. It really lays bare your hurt.

 

Just want to let you know that we care for you and we are here (((yodel))). That must have taken so much out of you writing that, but I'm so glad you did.

[Girlfromcali]

Heart wrenching. I feel such pain reading that..

 

I'm so sorry it happened to you.

[Adoraxx]

Sending many big hugs your way, Yodel (((((((((((((((((( Yodel )))))))))))))))

[Onlywhenitrains]

Yodel, I just wanted to send hugs your way! Be strong!

[The Aftermath]

Dear B,

 

I really needed you today, just like I needed you this day a year ago. I needed someone that day. Anyone. I wish I could still write you my letters. I mean, sometimes I still do, but you just don’t get them because they never get sent. And I am not writing them to you anyway. I am writing them to the love of my life, a person I had apparently made up in my head.

 

I look back now, and today was the day that everything changed. Yes, the few days leading up to it changed many things, but this was the day. Amidst all the turmoil of what you had done and who you really were, I found out that I lost a baby we made together. A miracle baby, considering the odds of being safe, as well as me having fertility issues. That day I found out our baby died. But you weren’t there, because you were with your wife, who I had just found out about. I just I couldn’t see it; that you had never been mine. There was never a we or us. So I should I have thought to myself that MY baby died, and I didn’t even know I had one inside me. But I thought of it as ours. You came up a name for her, because before I had told you that if I ever had kids, I wanted daughters. Why would you do that? This was the day everything changed. Because my baby died. And part of me died with it. Maybe the part that had the strength to tell you and your wife to leave me alone. The strength not to get pulled into your mess. But a part of me was gone forever, and for so long I’ve it was you, but it wasn’t.

 

I just couldn’t see it until now why I held on so tightly to you, and why I accepted the arrangement you came up with just days later of an open relationship. I shared with you something I had never shared with anyone, and will never, as there is only ever the first time that you are pregnant—and I thought it meant something. That we meant something. That I meant something. I was already on my own then, but I was just too blind to see it. You said it had never happened to you before either, but now I am not sure. And then it DID happen, and your wife got pregnant a few months later. An accident after sixteen years together. An accident that had never happened before, even as teenagers, but did when you said you weren’t even sleeping together. What I fool I was. You must look back and have a good laugh at all the lies I believed. Including this one, that you didn’t tell me until December. I wonder how you were able to tell me I was so intelligent all the time when I believed so many of your lies. Were you just compartmentalizing or just facetious?

 

The thing is B, that even in that scenario, you had a choice. With her. You and her got to decide together, not that I didn’t know what your decision was going to be, the end the pregnancy. I am so angry at you. Not because she got pregnant, but because she got a choice. She was able to make a decision on what she wanted. I was never afforded that opportunity, just as I wasn’t offered the opportunity to make an informed choice about entering into a relationship with you. So I am angry at you. And I am so hurt. And I am so sad. I know it wasn’t actually you fault I lost the baby, but I should have never even been in that situation. This time last year, I should have been single, because if you had a shred of humanity in you, you wouldn’t have pursued me like you did. And then I wouldn’t have been in that situation at all. Because we would have never been together. That is on you.

 

So there you have it. I have figured out why I changed and what happened to me, to make me desperate enough to want even just a little bit of you. To make myself front and center, ready to get more messed up than ever. But that doesn’t absolve you of anything. I know what changed, but I still don’t know how to fix it. I am still here mourning on my own, just like I mourned completely alone last year, while you probably have no idea what today is. Because you weren’t there. You never were.

 

Regrettably still yours,

F

 

I am fighting off tears right now after reading your post. I can only imagine the pain you are going through right now and I am so sorry for your loss. Feel free to PM me at any time if you ever need a shoulder to cry on.

[ShatteredLady]

I've had a really hard time reading your thread. It wasn't until last night that I read the bulk of it, in tears! Your reactions, your thoughts, your feelings, your physical responses...oh my goodness! So very much like me. That's why it's so hard for me to read.

 

I used to be easy-going & confident. My life experiences have turned me into an insecure 'crazy lady'. I've been truly shocked by my feelings being on a forum.

 

There's a member who frequently makes me cry & feel like utter crap. I try to tell myself that it must satisfy something within him to do this to me, telling me I'm sick, shouldn't write etc. I don't know. Why on earth does a complete stranger do this to me? Why do I react? No idea.

 

It's strange how emotionally invested I become. Maybe he's correct & I should leave.

 

I will say that I've made a REAL FRIEND from being here & I will never regret becoming a member. I believe we will be there for eachother in life. We email regularly & share our lives.

 

I didn't really have much to say. I just wanted you to know that I truly feel so many of the things you've said. I'm so sorry. I do agree with what someone posted...I think I'm like you...I've been through so much more than 'just' an A & I think that's why I'm finding it so hard to live & move through all of this. In time.

 

Huge hugs.

[yodelwithyu]

Thank you all so much for being here, to even just to read. Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes when it feels like I am drawing in a sea of sadness, the words of internet strangers and ACQUAINTANCES can give me the little bit of air that I need to just breathe.

 

Just a little update, I will not be starting my egg freezing this month due a complication found today (nothing serious), and while it sucks to have been away from mom for so long only to have to come back again soon, I think it is a blessing in disguise. I feel very raw at the moment. Everything hurts. I don’t think that the hormones and the reminder of what I am actually doing after what I have lost would have been a good idea. Everything happens for a reason, and I am actually feeling a little relieved. The did put me on the pill, which I hope doesn’t make me THAT much more emotional? I don’t know. I haven’t really been on the pill for very long, and that too was over a decade ago, I think.

 

So you will get hormoney Yodel next month when I do my process.

 

It really means a lot. Some of your words. Some days I wonder how insane I must be to still be hurt and sad, and I have to remind myself that is wasn’t just about love that was lost. Many other things burned in the fire too.

 

Sending lots of hugs back and a pinch of love,

Y

[yodelwithyu]

There's a member who frequently makes me cry & feel like utter crap. I try to tell myself that it must satisfy something within him to do this to me, telling me I'm sick, shouldn't write etc. I don't know. Why on earth does a complete stranger do this to me? Why do I react? No idea.

 

UM, this is NOT ok! Can't you block and ignore?? You must. Thank for your words and your hugs, I've really been needing them. I just want you to know that I always hope for the best outcome for you whenever I read your posts. I know I don't write it down, but I hope you find peace soon.

 

Xoxo.

[Ms. Faust]

And totally got sidetracked with life and trying to limit my internet time.

 

I don't really have much to add, other than to say I hope you are well.

[jenkins95]

yodel, how are you doing today? Know that we are thinking of you - and we are missing your posts. Come back soon! J

[jenkins95]

There's a member who frequently makes me cry & feel like utter crap. I try to tell myself that it must satisfy something within him to do this to me, telling me I'm sick, shouldn't write etc. I don't know. Why on earth does a complete stranger do this to me? Why do I react? No idea.

 

It's strange how emotionally invested I become. Maybe he's correct & I should leave.

 

SL, I agree with yodel. this is shocking and unacceptable. Do you think he does this deliberately and with malice or do you think that it is more carelessness than malice and that he's oblivious to the effect his posts have on you?

 

Either way, please try to protect yourself from this hurt. You are a very valuable member here and you make such a difference to so many of us - myself included. I for one am always delighted to see your posts appearing on any particular thread because you always add intelligence, wisdom, warmth, honesty and great advice. Your contributions enhance any thread. DO NOT GO AWAY! Please!

[Poppy47]

SL

 

Does he PM you? YOu can "ignore" him. I had an abusive PM from a woman because I hadn't replied to her email when she expected. She is on my "ignore" list.

It shouldn't happen to you.

 

Poppy

[2016forme]

Dear LS,

 

First of all, thank you to everyone that share their stories and give advice. It has kept me strong on many occasions. I have been lurking since May, not yet able to post. I am 8 days into NC, and have been trying to type out my story for background before I ask for help or advice, but I keep having anxiety attacks rehashing everything. I guess at this point I am so desperate for help, that I will quickly state that I didn’t know he was married until I was in love (or whatever people will call it) with him. Within a few weeks of me finding out, he got caught. We met once after he told me and before he got caught, and to date it is the biggest regret of my life, and I have so very many. After she found out, they fought and then they decided on an open marriage at his stubbornness not to let me go. Eventually it became too hard for both her and me. I was never expecting to end up with him or replace his W…because I just didn’t. I was just trying to see if I could make the arrangement work, because I wanted even the slightest bit of him as I could. I have never even imagined being part of anything like this. It has been such a hard journey from May until today.

 

I know that people will say he is a cake eater and a liar and a cheat, and I know this. I understand that he probably doesn’t even know what love is. But I do. I loved the man I thought he was, and I loved who I was when I was with him and the way it felt to be with him (before everything). So it’s hard to just say he didn’t love me, so I should move on. My feelings were real, even if they were for a fake person.

 

My two friends that know about this are on two different continents from me and each other. I literally had to leave the country to guarantee getting away from this mess and came home to family. They know nothing. I spent my three travel days crying. For the last five days I have been home, I haven’t allowed myself to cry, because they don’t know anything. But as each day passes, I am unable to control it. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep (because I have nightmares about them and what I have done) and though I am trying, every day I am able to speak less and less. I feel like I’m dying on the inside and I can’t tell anyone. I also feel like I am not allowing myself to grieve because of my guilt for BW.

 

I have no idea who I am. I am so lost. I honestly wish I could disappear. I feel like I am nothing. I feel like a fraud. I am so alone, and I know it will get better eventually, but I am scared I might not make it until then. The panic attacks I have been suffering from have been getting worse and worse. Please, someone say something to help me. There is so much anger, agony, shame and loss cycling through me almost every minute that I feel like I am losing my mind. The anguish I feel at this moment makes it hard to breathe. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not solely because of this. Some pretty terrible things happened to me in the last ten years and I survived. But I feel like this is pushing me over the edge. Why do we struggle just to make it another day so that someone else can take your faith and dignity away?

 

Through all of this, I still want him to break NC, not to re-establish contact, but just to know that I mattered. That I wasn’t just a whore. At least then I can try to start forgiving myself.

 

Yodel

 

Hello Yodel, I am so sorry that you are feeling a lot of anguish, anxiety and depression over the current situation. I have to admit that at least you told the truth by admitting that you didn't know your man was married. Why did he keep stringing you along if he already knew this? ! I'm glad you are not like the other woman, you know the kind who holds on to her married man hoping that one day he will muster up the courage to leave his wife. Even if that happens, reality strikes and the infatuation that was there is gone with the wind.

 

I know that this is going to be hard on you. Try to learn to forgive yourself first. This won't happen overnight, it takes time to heal.

 

Pamper yourself, go shopping, go to the spa, get a manicure, get a pedicure, surround yourself with people who love you. Get counseling if you must.

 

I do hope that your friends will be very supportive of you moving forward with your life. I know you can pick yourself up and try again. This may even mean not being involved in another relationship for a while. And that's perfectly normal.

 

I hope you are able to fully recover from the disaster. I hope that married man realizes that he lost a true gem from you. Hugs to you! Good luck.

[yodelwithyu]

"We talk about the mechanism of injury, about where it all started, but the truth is, it's sort of a myth. We can't boil every injury down to one single blow. What hurts us is cumulative. It happens over time. We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn't mean we can fix it. You can't heal every wound, and that's okay. I have to believe it's okay. I have to believe that even if something seems like it cannot be fixed, it doesn't mean it's broken."

-April Kepner, Grey's Anatomy

[yodelwithyu]

Everything hurts today. Why am I still hurting?? I checked and I am on day seventy-five. Why does it still hurt so much? It hit me like a ton a bricks today and I stayed home so I could cry it out. I cried so hard I didn’t even sound human anymore. I heaved and howled and whimpered like a bloody animal. Over what? Someone who didn’t think I was worth the truth even. Over someone who is probably one of the most duplicitous people I have ever met.

 

I used to tell him everything because he was the only person I could tell everything to. And now I have everything to say, and the only person I want to say it to is my nobody.

 

I am not going to lie, today I wanted to break NC, and I wanted him to want me back like I want him. Enough. Too much. Enough to make a change. How pathetic am I? I am mourning the loss of my best friend who wasn’t even a friend to begin with. I just had to remind myself that if he wanted me, he would have gotten in touch. So I didn’t contact him. Instead, I caved and I checked his secret email account, my way of breaking NC without actually contacting him, and guess what? He wasn’t even been in there since December. That account has a couple of emails from the day I sent the NC letter, and they haven't been read. It has been two and a half months since I sent the NC letter, and I don’t even cross his mind enough that he would check that email. Even if just to look at a picture of me, all of which he had saved there.

 

That is how little I mattered. And I was such a fool to let him have my heart. And now what? I am just waking around with an empty chest and a smile that isn’t actually mine.

 

I am way out of his league morally, aesthetically, even financially. I know that sounds vain and f**ked up, but it is true. The thing is, those things never crossed my when we were together. But I have to remind myself of this so I can pull my head out of my ass. Why can’t the fact that he has always been a lying sack of sh*t be enough for me to just stop?

 

I just want it to stop. Why won’t it stop?? Please make it stop.

Edited April 24, 2016 by yodelwithyu

[jenkins95]

(((Yodel)))

 

I understand your pain. Take care of yourself today. Try to treat yourself - have a nice bath and try to eat properly. Tire yourself out and try to have a good long sleep tonight. As the MM, I completely relate to the rollercoaster of emotions that you experience over the long days. We are there with you yodel.

 

Also as the MM, I can almost guarantee that he hurts too, even if you don't see it and even if he leaves no clue or trace to you that he even exists. My xOW may think of me exactly the way you do if your MM, because like him I am silent. I want everyone in my story to be better and the only way that that seems possible is to completely leave xOW alone. Cruel to be kind and all that. Perhaps he didn't check the emails simply because he doesn't dare, maybe he's afraid of what he may find? My xOW's FB page is just a click away for me, but i don't check it, i don't dare. I don't know what it would do to me. Maybe he can only cope if he completely distances himself from everything he associates with you because he still has so many feelings for you. But inside his head is another matter. I would be amazed if he does not hurt, and think of you very often - many many times every day. He's just doing the only thing he feels he can - staying away.

 

I'm well past day 100 but am going through a tough patch - I understand exactly how you feel. It's a long, winding journey. Unpredictable and non-linear. I have felt reasonably good at times and often rock bottom the next day. I never want to go through anything like this ever again - actually i don't think i could. I don't think i could survive it twice. But yodel, if we stay strong, the path does eventually and gradually move on the right direction. We do see evidence of it here all the time. It's just dreadful when you are in the middle of it. It will take months, it may take years, but we will get there yodel - together.

 

Stay strong, you are a lovely person. You have us, you are never alone on that path.

 

J

Edited April 24, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Hey yodel, how are you doing today? Please come back and update us! I know things were really rough yesterday. Do you feel even a tiny but better today? I often find Sundays are the most difficult days to get through.

 

We are here.

[Grapesofwrath]

Yodel: For me, it helps to try to go a layer deeper. You ask all the right questions: Why mourn the loss of a "best friend" who was never really a friend to begin with? Why does this hurt so much? I think of this a lot. I've come to the following conclusion...(please forgive the psychobabble)

 

I think affairs are powerful because they involve so much projection. The nature of the A means there are many gaps in our picture of the MM. We fill in those gaps using our imagination, often in a way that is idealized. We idealize who they are. We idealize the relationship we have. We idealize the relationship we would have if we were together. Consequently, it seems so much better than anything we have ever had. (it seems that way because it's idealized.) It hurts to lose this thing that is "the best" we've had. What's worse is that once we realize that this best thing never really existed, that hurts more because we are left with nothing. And we can start to doubt that great love can ever exist in our lives. It's total existential devastation: Can we ever experience a great love?

 

In addition, the nature of affairs creates this constant dynamic of craving and competition. We can never get enough. This keeps us on the hook. It's completely self-sabotaging. This really messes with your mind.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to breathe. Keep breathing. Journal, if that's your thing. Let time do its magic. There is something in this world for you that is so much better than this. Just lay this down. Lay your burden down. Dragging this grief around is exhausting.

[yodelwithyu]

Hey yodel, how are you doing today? Please come back and update us! I know things were really rough yesterday. Do you feel even a tiny but better today? I often find Sundays are the most difficult days to get through.

 

We are here.

 

Thanks. I do feel a little less in crisis today. Somedays it is just nice to be able to cry and be vulnerable here you know? But sometimes I wonder if with everything compounded over the last decade, I am just too far gone? How much IC and anti-depressants can one take? How many time can one rebuild life?

 

Ugh. Debbie Downer mode tonight. Will update when I am a little less dark and twisty.

[yodelwithyu]

Yodel: For me, it helps to try to go a layer deeper. You ask all the right questions: Why mourn the loss of a "best friend" who was never really a friend to begin with? Why does this hurt so much? I think of this a lot. I've come to the following conclusion...(please forgive the psychobabble)

 

I think affairs are powerful because they involve so much projection. The nature of the A means there are many gaps in our picture of the MM. We fill in those gaps using our imagination, often in a way that is idealized. We idealize who they are. We idealize the relationship we have. We idealize the relationship we would have if we were together. Consequently, it seems so much better than anything we have ever had. (it seems that way because it's idealized.) It hurts to lose this thing that is "the best" we've had. What's worse is that once we realize that this best thing never really existed, that hurts more because we are left with nothing. And we can start to doubt that great love can ever exist in our lives. It's total existential devastation: Can we ever experience a great love?

 

In addition, the nature of affairs creates this constant dynamic of craving and competition. We can never get enough. This keeps us on the hook. It's completely self-sabotaging. This really messes with your mind.

 

The only thing I can suggest is to breathe. Keep breathing. Journal, if that's your thing. Let time do its magic. There is something in this world for you that is so much better than this. Just lay this down. Lay your burden down. Dragging this grief around is exhausting.

 

Good to see you again Grapes! I agree with so much that you posted, and thanks for taking the time. I will reply when I am not in the state of mind as evidenced by my last post/reply to Jenkins.

 

But you are right. Breathe and lay it down. Currently, I am laying down with it, as I am just tired, but one day soon, I will rise and leave it laying where it is.

 

Many hugs to you, and I hope you are doing well yourself!