From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster

[NewLeaf512]

So I don't know what happened in the last week. It's been so rough. I am feeling so so low tonight and I just want to take it out on him. I kept thinking that when I hit 30 days of NC, I will be so much stronger and write a post titled "What 30 days of NC has Taught Me" and here I am at day 35 unable to even write proper updates on my original thread.

 

My family and I actually decided that I should freeze my eggs as soon as possible, ie next menstrual cycle, so in the last few days I have been mentally preparing for that. My dad was supposed to come with me, so I thought he was arranging everything. Well, not so much. He had just blown the whole thing off even though my appointment is on the 20th (Asia, 19th Stateside). So in the last 3 hours I have organized my tickets and accommodation and all and will be flying out in about 15 hours. My mother can only take a few days off work and will come out to me for the actual procedure and I am so thankful for that. But I did think my dad was going to be there for part of it. And now he is not coming at all. And I didn't think that I would be so disappointed. I guess I am a little scared, and it is not a small deal to be in a city by yourself and pump yourself full of hormones and go to the hospital every other day. For once, I actually feel like I need someone to be there. I've dealt with a lot of medical stuff by myself over the years, so I don't know why this feels different. I don't want to tell my mom I feel this way because she will feel worried and guilty. So I am telling you guys. I feel incredibly alone and sad and a little scared. I thought I was better than this. And it makes me want to yell and cry at exMM. Not sure why.

 

Honey I am glad you're back as was starting to worry. Freeze eggs just in case xxxxxxxx

[eye of the storm]

Yodel, you are not alone. We may not be there with you, but you are not alone.

 

Keep moving forward. you will get thru this. It just takes time.

[yodelwithyu]

So I decided that my post today will only be about me and nothing to do with the one we shall not name.

 

I have no idea why the night before I left I was so upset by my dad blowing this whole thing off. I feel much better about it now. And I have always loved time by myself, especially when traveling.

 

I had my first round of tests and started hormone therapy yesterday. I have to say, I really liked my doctor, even though he is the first male GYN I have ever had. I was super awkward especially because for fertility stuff you have to go in on the second day of shark week. Before he took his own transvaginal ultrasound, he looked a the one from 3 weeks ago and said that he was not sure we would even be able to get more than 10 eggs at the end of this. He did, however, say that the other hormone levels were good. So he doesn't think I am having ovarian failure in the traditional sense. It is just my egg function that is rapidly declining, as well as my ovaries almost halving in size in 1 year. But, my AMH was low last year, and was even lower yesterday. So his opinion is that I will not be able to produce eggs at all sooner than later, and I will most likely have early menopause, but just not as early as POF. I know I should be thankful for not maybe not getting menopause before 40, but I'm kind of like "Meh, if I am not producing eggs/ovulating why do I have to have lady times still and have cramps and all that???" Lol.

 

There were a couple of extra follicles when he did his own internal exam, and he was really pleased about it, as was I. And all the diagnosis confusion aside, my eggs are becoming an endangered species regardless, so I am happy to have the opportunity and the means to freeze my eggs. I feel blessed that my family is emotionally and financially supportive. As always, mom is the former and dad is the latter. I am beyond lucky to have both of them. And I am glad that they both separately thought I should do this for the October cycle. They have barely spoken in the last 20 years (except for major incidents or something like graduations) and have not agreed on anything in much MUCH longer. So I almost fell of my chair when they both suggested it, and took it to be a sign.

 

I felt nauseous yesterday and thought maybe it was the cycle or something I ate, but then I had a headache and was vomiting this evening as well. Not that big of a deal. It just the hormone shots, I guess. But other than that, I feel great about being here and about this process.

 

Thanks for being on this journey with me.

[yodelwithyu]

Yodel, you are not alone. We may not be there with you, but you are not alone.

 

Don't I know it! I am glad I finally stopped lurking and reached out. And so many of you extended your hand in return. You have been huge in this for me EyeOfTheStorm. I cannot thank you enough. And you guys are here with me, always.

[eye of the storm]

Your parents agreed on your treatments because you are way more important than their petty squabbles and they both know it.

 

Be aware that hormone treatments can cause your emotions to really roller-costar. Huge highs massive lows. Be conscious that they are temporary.

 

You are doing great.

[yodelwithyu]

Your parents agreed on your treatments because you are way more important than their petty squabbles and they both know it.

 

Be aware that hormone treatments can cause your emotions to really roller-costar. Huge highs massive lows. Be conscious that they are temporary.

 

You are doing great.

 

I am very concerned about this, but I will write about it tomorrow as it has to do with someone else.

[yodelwithyu]

And SOMEONE please help me figure out a way to change the title of my thread. While it was apt then (I mean, I did end up in the hospital with a panic attack and tachycardia--ewww), but I had no idea that threads can become so long, and become a means to update in the long term. I started new thread but it got merged with this one by the moderator. So...yeah. Gross title.

[yodelwithyu]

Be aware that hormone treatments can cause your emotions to really roller-costar. Huge highs massive lows. Be conscious that they are temporary.

 

Here we go folks! Lets see where my emotional roller coaster within an emotional roller coaster takes me in the next few days. As of tonight, feeling very up and down, rapid cycling. Actually missing exMM, which I have been pushing down and replacing with anger, disgust and all that other good stuff. I don't want to miss him. Or at least let myself feel like I actually am.

 

You know, I've ALWAYS hated roller coasters (real ones). Guess what exMM and his W loooooove and used to plan vacations around? Roller coasters. Go figure.

 

Just letting you guys know ahead of time if I am all over the place for the next 2/3 weeks, please forgive me. Timing could not be worse to be getting injected with hormones, but MY future, MY security and MY peace of mind outweighs any ANY stupid thing to do with exMM that might come about because I feel extra emotional.

 

Anyone else craving cake? Just kidding. Kind of.

[Dancewithme]

Always craving cake. Cake brings me joy!

 

Anyway, hang in there. We are all here pulling for you, and sending virtual hugs.

[eye of the storm]

Cupcakes are my favorite type of cake!

[yodelwithyu]

I'm a red velvet girl. And like my cake in the form of cakepops. Deduce what you will =p

[lemondrop21]

Yodel, it's great to see you making little jokes and making this post about something other than xMM, I think that's a very good sign even if it doesn't feel that way now! Thank you for posting this too on a personal note, I have started to think about egg freezing in the next couple of years and it's interesting to read about your journey. Hang in there and best of luck with all of it, I know you'll get through it and be so glad you did in the end. Sending you a great big hug!

[yodelwithyu]

Really Adele? Really? Gahhhhhh. I can't even.

 

I swear if that b*tchboy doesn't think of my ass each and every one of the bazillion times this will play on the radio in the next few months...I hope he gets a stab every time. Knowing him, he will think it makes me think of him. Which, let's be honest, it does. But he should be "sorry for breaking my heart." And I am (not) saying "hello from the other side."

 

On another note, did you know that my mom had a mini intervention (around the same time I was staring into space for 6 hours at a time) because I wasn't listening to music for the first month I was back? That is when she said she REALLY knew something was wrong, because literally not a single day has passed in the last 20 years when I am not listening to music, or music is playing in the background of whatever I am doing. NOT ONE. And a whole month went by and I couldn't bring myself to listen to anything. Because he was even in the happy ones.

[yodelwithyu]

Feeling mostly good today. No nausea, but really fatigued. And a little bloated. And emotional for sure. LOL.

 

Actually I went to a local garment district and this one store had this rather ugly shirt that said "can't even" and I laughed, because I say it all the time. Then I remembered how exMM used to love it, and then promptly started crying. I turned into this kid for a few minutes: http://cdn.makeagif.com/media/8-27-2015/cR3P9X.gif

 

I'm good now though. Retail therapy for the win!

[yodelwithyu]

After forty-one days, just when I started letting my guard down to focus on myself, it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I didn’t see it coming. Twenty-three hours ago, I called his phone. I don’t even know what I wanted to say. I was expecting voicemail. But he picked up after the first ring. He didn’t know it was me, because I called from Skype to phone, which usually just uses a random VOIP number. I couldn’t say anything. I just cried. I just listened to him say hello about sic to ten times and hung up. What the hell is wrong with me? Out of all of this, I thought I was good with NC. I had even written a stupid post about what was helping me then (before he ever wrote). His three emails went unanswered, and some of it helped to remind me that he didn’t even put enough effort considering that he did me the disservice of breaking NC.

 

The thing is, that I can forgive myself for slipping up. I don’t need to tell myself that it might have been the injected hormones and/or the two glasses of wine and/or the new Adele song. It could have been all three, but I don’t care. I am human and I faltered. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, and take it day by day. What I cannot forgive is that fact that I was upset by the fact that he seemed upbeat and happy answering the phone (not knowing it was me). More than that, for some reason, when I couldn’t speak, after the first few hellos, I thought he would figure it was me. And say my name. And he didn’t. He just kept saying hello like it was actually a bad line. It also bothered me that he hasn’t contacted me to see if it was me. It is like it didn’t even cross his mind. The tiny bit of solace I get is that if he IS wondering if it was me, then maybe he feels a little confused. But knowing the cake-eating, narcissistic mindsets that all the MMs have, it would have just been an ego boost.

 

For a few hours tonight I really really wanted to call him again and actually say something. So I guess I am back to almost the beginning. In fact, I was also thinking that next time he emails from one of his stupid library trips, I hope I’m awake and will call him right away, because at least I will know he is for sure alone. I DON’T WANT THIS. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY.

 

WHY do I care? I don’t even have anything left to say to him. And he has nothing to offer me. I wouldn’t want to be his BW, ever. And re-establishing contact would’t mean much as I am still eight thousand miles away. How can I degrade myself so much? Why can’t I love and respect myself more than this? I mean, I have been to embarrassed to even post here for the last few hours because I disappointed myself and feel like I let everyone who have been there for me, cheering me on, down too. How could I be so stupid?

 

I don’t recognize myself anymore, but I do know that this whole experience has changed me for good. How do I start accepting these new parts of myself? I know the grief doesn’t stay forever, but the insecurity, the paranoia, the neurosis? I have to accept them for now to completely heal. I just don’t know how. Any of you that have made it to the other side, did you go back to being who you used to be or accept a newer you? Any recovery stories would be great. Even if it took years.

[Eagle's-bargain]

After forty-one days, just when I started letting my guard down to focus on myself, it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. I didn’t see it coming. Twenty-three hours ago, I called his phone. I don’t even know what I wanted to say. I was expecting voicemail. But he picked up after the first ring. He didn’t know it was me, because I called from Skype to phone, which usually just uses a random VOIP number. I couldn’t say anything. I just cried. I just listened to him say hello about sic to ten times and hung up. What the hell is wrong with me? Out of all of this, I thought I was good with NC. I had even written a stupid post about what was helping me then (before he ever wrote). His three emails went unanswered, and some of it helped to remind me that he didn’t even put enough effort considering that he did me the disservice of breaking NC.

 

The thing is, that I can forgive myself for slipping up. I don’t need to tell myself that it might have been the injected hormones and/or the two glasses of wine and/or the new Adele song. It could have been all three, but I don’t care. I am human and I faltered. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, and take it day by day. What I cannot forgive is that fact that I was upset by the fact that he seemed upbeat and happy answering the phone (not knowing it was me). More than that, for some reason, when I couldn’t speak, after the first few hellos, I thought he would figure it was me. And say my name. And he didn’t. He just kept saying hello like it was actually a bad line. It also bothered me that he hasn’t contacted me to see if it was me. It is like it didn’t even cross his mind. The tiny bit of solace I get is that if he IS wondering if it was me, then maybe he feels a little confused. But knowing the cake-eating, narcissistic mindsets that all the MMs have, it would have just been an ego boost.

 

For a few hours tonight I really really wanted to call him again and actually say something. So I guess I am back to almost the beginning. In fact, I was also thinking that next time he emails from one of his stupid library trips, I hope I’m awake and will call him right away, because at least I will know he is for sure alone. I DON’T WANT THIS. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY.

 

WHY do I care? I don’t even have anything left to say to him. And he has nothing to offer me. I wouldn’t want to be his BW, ever. And re-establishing contact would’t mean much as I am still eight thousand miles away. How can I degrade myself so much? Why can’t I love and respect myself more than this? I mean, I have been to embarrassed to even post here for the last few hours because I disappointed myself and feel like I let everyone who have been there for me, cheering me on, down too. How could I be so stupid?

 

I don’t recognize myself anymore, but I do know that this whole experience has changed me for good. How do I start accepting these new parts of myself? I know the grief doesn’t stay forever, but the insecurity, the paranoia, the neurosis? I have to accept them for now to completely heal. I just don’t know how. Any of you that have made it to the other side, did you go back to being who you used to be or accept a newer you? Any recovery stories would be great. Even if it took years.

 

First off, I've been drinking, alot.

 

I recently got out of a relationship where I had to call the police on my GF. We had some problems, and I gave her (and myself) a second chance probationary period. When she came over uninvited all emotional I told her to leave, she didn't. I said I would call the police. She didn't believe me. Obviously if you read my signature, you'll "get" the callous nature of my character in matters like these (most stems from my own affair with a MW). Anyhow, if I call the police on someone "It's over". I don't negotiate with "terrorists" sort of speak.

 

Anyhow, she sent me an email (she broke NC).

It said how she saw me from a distance the other day (I must have been oblivious or drinking). Then she said she wasn't angry at me etc and hopes I can learn to trust people, etc. Sure she might have been baiting me to reply. But I already knew better.

 

This is how I feel about "delayed" apologies, and apologies in general. I should note, apologizing is not wrong, and people should apologize when they're wrong, not when they get caught.

 

If I apologize to my ex-AP at this point, I'm basically doing it for me. Why? Because she hasn't asked me to apologize, and even if she did, it's more about her wanting to hear me say I'm "sorry." At some point people break NC because they want to break NC for their reasons.

 

You may feel lonely or worse, like you lost the "love" of your life. Worse, you might find trusting a new love difficult because the depth isn't the same. That's mostly because people in those positions have experience that tells them to be careful. And yes, that experience can, in my opinion, hinder "love's" progression.

 

When you lose so many times to people you love, imagine how it changes your viewpoint on what "love" is. We're shown in movies and books and even religion that "love" is not something you lose unless someone dies.

 

For me? My "recovery" was a combination of a few things. I avoided intimate relationships for almost a 6-9 months, that includes sex. I boozed like there was no tomorrow, not as hardcore as I do now (that's mostly due to overseas work), and I came to the realization that she made a decision to leave me to save herself. Is that callous of her? I think so considering I felt abused when she back-pedaled.

 

The problem an OM/OW has is that if one is chosen over the BS (betrayed spouse), then we have to fully realize the fallout. Most relationships, in my opinion never survive the fallout. Most never. Those that actually do are because two parties are willing to go "all in". People are scared and they don't want to lose. Worse, people don't want to get hurt for going all in. They settle for "less" or as my ex-AP and MW said, she's just using me like she uses the sun and that - suddenly - her husband is the right man for her. Really? Can I really believe that? No, and I shouldn't.

 

But you know what I believe? No matter what happens at this point, for example, if she came back into my life: I CANNOT forget she decided to go back when I was all in. You can only leave your hand out there, if someone refuses to take it that's their choice, and that's when you must withdraw your hand (and love). That's what I did. Even if she came back into my life there is the fact that over the last three or four years she's been with her husband (probably, I don't keep tabs*).

 

Remember me in when you think about that: you're most definitely not alone. I struggled hard because I felt like "that woman" got me. We were friends, real down to earth friends before being lovers - and typing that word "lovers" actually gives me goosebumps - but it ended, and bad. In the end all she asked was if we could still be friends. I could not have things half-way. I said no. And now I am going next door to get a beer before coming back to the office.

 

 

 

*I did for a time. Then I stopped. It took about 6 months to a year. I had to think rationally about the outcome of the relationship, where "it" would go if we were together and if we realistically could handle the fallout. I was all in, she wasn't. Unlike her, I'm still alone, and she well, while I don't care, probably lives alone somewhere in her mind and heart (possibly with ice too). I eventually removed myself from the internet, it takes a considerable amount of work to "find" me on the net, and even if you did there isn't much there anyhow. That took 3 years. I felt that if I was on the internet, she would seek me out. Thankfully, only linkedin is necessary for me at this point.

[Popsicle]

Don't worry about it, doll. ((hugs)) Almost everyone backslides once or twice, it almost seems like a right of passage.

 

But, what you will notice, which I think you've already started to, is that you don't feel good like you think you will after you slip, you feel worse after you slip.

 

Eventually you realize that it's not even worth it and it's better to continue on with your life and leave it all in the past.

[MIKEB1950]

Guide to life after going NC

Posted 22nd May 2011 at 7:36 AM by betterdeal

Updated 22nd May 2011 at 7:43 AM by betterdeal

 

you will find it under Journals Best Entries

[Eagle's-bargain]

Eventually you realize that it's not even worth it and it's better to continue on with your life and leave it all in the past.

 

I hope you don't mind if I keep the cold inside, rather than out.

 

But it is better to carry one's regret after one whittles it down to its true form, then, only then one can keep it as one's own.

 

Popsicle, if you lived in the neighborhood I'd be buying the first round.

[yodelwithyu]

Thanks for sharing your story EaglesBargain. I am so sorry you went/are going through such a tough time. It really is sad to see how a lot of us got screwed in different ways. I DO feel like I lost THAT person who got me, but I know it is not true. He just acted to be a certain person. I didn't know he was married, but he obviously was just playing a part. Any part. When someone can just be anyone else, of course they will be who you want them to me. So it sucks for me, because I really really loved that guy (who didn't exist, YAY). I don't want to let him back in my life as a friend or boyfriend, but I just want to yell and cry and scream. I know, I know, what does it matter, he probably doesn't care, so I should waste my words or my breath. But all these things have been drowning me since his third NC breaker. And writing here or writing in my journal or talking to someone else about it isn't helping.

 

I did read the guide to NC, but reread it after your post, MIKEB. It is always a good reminder.

 

((((((Popsicle)))))) Thanks. I am still feeling very unhinged at the moment, but just dealing with a moment at a time. I hate to say it, but I do think that I will end up actually talking (read yelling) at him one more time. I know myself. If I can just make it a week and a half for the medical stuff to be over, then at least I will know I can make a clear headed decision.

 

I think part of it is that I have been pushing everything down so hard that its all just bubbled up at the same time. But I have been stopping myself from crying, and I think I just need to let it out. I know no good can come from it, but I am just being realistic, as I have to be on these hormones for a few more days, and it not like they are just going wear right off after the egg collection. And I can tell that the mood swings are playing a huge part. Whatever. It is what it is at the moment.

[Robert]

Moderator's note:

 

To avoid confusion for the posters that have been following this thread, the title has been changed from "Dying Inside and Out" to "From Unwitting OW to Open Relationship to Disaster", per the thread-starter's request.

 

Thank you,

~6

[Eagle's-bargain]

Thanks for sharing your story EaglesBargain. I am so sorry you went/are going through such a tough time. It really is sad to see how a lot of us got screwed in different ways. I DO feel like I lost THAT person who got me, but I know it is not true. He just acted to be a certain person. I didn't know he was married, but he obviously was just playing a part. Any part. When someone can just be anyone else, of course they will be who you want them to me. So it sucks for me, because I really really loved that guy (who didn't exist, YAY). I don't want to let him back in my life as a friend or boyfriend, but I just want to yell and cry and scream. I know, I know, what does it matter, he probably doesn't care, so I should waste my words or my breath. But all these things have been drowning me since his third NC breaker. And writing here or writing in my journal or talking to someone else about it isn't helping.

 

I did read the guide to NC, but reread it after your post, MIKEB. It is always a good reminder.

 

You're welcome.

Try to look at your situation like an investigation, if it helps.

First look at all the data, and try your best to recuse your ideals and feelings from participating. Once you look at all the data, then try to plot courses with the data, you'll come to a conclusion that the situation is not good and will not end well. Courses are potential outcomes. It's best to really weight the risk versus reward. It's hard, I know.

 

We're here with you because we've never left.

 

I posted about my "truth" here: it's the fifth post. Other people have wonderful advice too, but it really depends on your approach, equipment and skills.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/528045-truths

[eye of the storm]

Yodel, life is a journey. In a perfect world we would only move forward. But the world isn't perfect. Neither are we. So we occasionally turn around and go backwards. But, here is the great thing, you know it isn't healthy, you understand it will not make you happy and at peace. So, you will go back less and less. Eventually you will not go back at all. You will have filled your life with so many good things...so many things that bring you joy and peace that you won't even remember where you left him. He will be that far in your past. He will just be a lesson learned.

 

Remember when you back track, forgive yourself, and get back on the path moving forward.

 

We are with you.

[yodelwithyu]

So it has been a few days since my last update. I was in a really bad place with all the hormones and emotions. Not like when I first started here, but it was getting bad. So I called and talked to him, against my better judgement and your advice. So I needed a couple of days to process and also, if I am being honest, at first I was afraid to let a lot of you down. What was said/not said wasn’t really even important I think, because I have long since understood that my words don’t really matter to a pathological cake eater. I said a few things I needed to get off my chest, like having found out what a liar he actually is. But mostly, I just point blank told him that he promised a clean break and he was really harming me mentally by continuing to break NC, especially so coldly and idiotically. I mean how selfish do you have to be. At least pretend to care if you said you loved someone, tool. I cried, he cried (whenever I think or say he cried, I always replaced it with lied in my head) and nothing was resolved. The conversation had to be cut short, and I knew if I didn’t let him have his last say, then he would keep contacting me. So I said to him find a time when you are free for our last conversation and email me. I am not going to call/text/email. You do it, and I will call if and when I am free. I can put a block on all emails originating from his State, but I cannot change my emails/phone numbers as I am a freelancer and all my contacts have been the same forever since I travel a lot.

 

IN ANY CASE, I have to say that I am not sure what I will feel next week or next month, but I feel better now than I did 4/5/6 days ago. And even if it is temporary, I was not being able to function properly again, and needed to get my sh*t together as I was going through this whole egg freezing thing by myself in a different country than mine. What I noticed it that afterwards, even though he hasn’t emailed, I am ok. I still have this constant, dull pain, but it is not a desperate pain like it used to be. I didn’t find myself thinking that I would go through what I used to just to talk to him. EyeOfTheStorm, it is true. We go back for less and less. I know I am only a few days out, and I might just have stepped in quicksand, but for now, I am pretty surprised that I am not back to square 1.5 again. Obviously I have wondered why he hasn’t bothered setting up a time to end that conversation, including him traveling with his W, delaying the inevitable or being caught having contact with me, then falling off the face off the planet. And you know what? I am not feeling hysterical or crazy or falling apart thinking that we might never talk again. The only part of that which would bother me is the hurt to MY ego, that I was the one who ended up ignoring him. Sounds immature, I know, but small victories. So that is that. We may have one more conversation or we may not. 8000 miles won’t let us get back to a PA, but I have no intention of going back to an EA, because that is what hurt the most while we were together. Anyway, I guess we all get to that point somehow.

 

Ok, so now for my other updates for those following the egg freezing bit. I had my last shot about 2 hours ago. It was the “trigger shot” and I have my procedure in about 33 hours! My mom is flying in tonight, and should be here in the next 2 hours. As much as I love this city, I am pretty done with this process. Because my ovaries like to act sh*tty, I had almost a double dose of the hormones, and had two extra days of those and the shots to stop ovulation. But the upside it, that there are many more follicles than the doctor was expecting, considering my initial scans/AMH. It is not as much as other people my age, but I'm happy, and so is he. Needless to say I have been very bloated and actually super fatigued (which I was not expecting). But, like I have said before, I feel very lucky to have this opportunity.

 

So all in all, though it has been a bumpy week or so, I currently feel eggscellent. See what I did there?? Haha. Will be in touch in a couple of days I think, as will be busy with mom and the procedure/recovery. Xoxo.

Edited October 29, 2015 by yodelwithyu

[minimariah]

yodel!

 

i read your entire thread and i feel for you, sweetheart. i'm so sorry you got hurt this way & you seem like such a sweet person and i'm glad that you keep pushing forward... no matter what

wishing you the best of luck.